How’s this for a morning line-up with Paul and Anne? Mariah Carey, Ryan Cabrerra, and Kalan Porter. I am not making this up. I don’t even know how the hell Mariah Carey is singing again. Didn’t her record company pay her off with like $8 million a few years ago to never record a CD for them again? Of course this is after she had went clinically insane, but still, her music remains as mediocre as it ever was. She has, however, apparently tried to educate herself in the ways of the world, a marked improvement I must say, and one made most evident by her comments after she had heard that King Hussad of Jordan had died. “I love Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes of our time.” Classic. And for God’s sake Paul, stop incessantly playing Nickelback’s 'Photograph'. Words cannot express my hatred for this song. I mean I’m used to you ruining good songs by playing them every 7 minutes, but this was a bad song to begin with, and if you keep playing it every morning at 9:07, I’m going to have to kick you in the nuts.
Eminem continues to play the role of a cutting edge musician, with his new song 'When I’m Gone'. This is a follow up to his earlier hits, such as the incredibly politically correct 'Christopher Reeve', the grammatically impeccable 'No one’s Iller than Me', and 'Shake That', whose video features naked Olsen Twin puppets, dancing prostitots, and that never-gets-old gag: Eminem puking on Michael Jackson. With linguistic talent second only to that contained in the legendary Chapter I album of The Moffatts, he continues his poetic prose with his newest song, skillfully creating a conversation between his daughter in the audience and himself from the stage:
Daughter: “Mommy’s wrists are bleeding.”
Eminem: “How’d you get to Sweden?”
Honest to God. You can’t just change the setting of the song just so it rhymes with “wrists are bleeding”. With the exception of Lou Bega and Remy Shand, Eminem is perhaps the worst singer in the history of mankind.
Well, perpetual whiner Steve Moore was back in the news again last week. Levying civil charges against Todd Bertuzzi for his infamous hit during a Colorado-Vancouver game. Ok, let’s set aside the fact that Bertuzzi has already been punished by the NHL, the IIHF and by the courts for his hit. Let’s set aside the fact that it happened years ago, the fact that Bertuzzi has said sorry, that the media has ripped his reputation apart and that he’s lost hundreds of thousands of dollars in lost salary because of Moore. Hello! Moore! It’s the Olympics! Bertuzzi is trying to win a gold medal for our country, so whatever problem you have with him, for God’s sake, wait until the games are over just so your selfish lust for an extended 15 minutes of fame doesn’t screw up our chances at defending our country’s legacy. You and your pain-in-ass antics owes us at least that much. Jerkass.
American defenceman Angela Ruggeiro criticized the Canadians Women’s Hockey team for “running up the score” against other teams after a 16-0 rout over the host Italian squad. “There was no need for that. They’re trying to pad their stats,” she said. And you know she’s right, Canada’s team should definitely stop scoring so many goals. Just score one or two and then skate around and toy with the other team for the remaining 40 minutes. In fact, everyone in the Olympics should stop being so damn competitive. It’s not like the point of the games is to do the best you can or to win or anything. If you get too far ahead in speed skating, slow down! You should let the other guy catch up so he doesn’t feel bad about himself. Or if you’re winning the biathlon just fall down once or twice or miss a few shots to even up the field a bit. Or, if you’re American snowboarder Lindsey Jacobellis and are way ahead in a race and you’re a sure bet for the gold medal, show off with a fancy jump, fall on your face, and let the Swiss win. When is the last time you saw an American intentionally slow down or impede their game because a wave of compassion and pity for their competitors swept over them? Never? Yeah that’s what I thought.
To use basketball as an example, you don’t exactly see the American Dream Team trying to ease it up a bit to keep the score close in Summer Olympics. Even against teams like Uruguay, Angola and Lithuania I seem to remember them actually trying to score as many points as possible against their opponents! Imagine! Ruggeiro, just because your country isn’t as good as another does not mean that they have to stop being good and wait for you to catch up. But of course, in their ultimate wisdom, the Americans went out against the Swedes in their next game and to show us Canadians what a great and compassionate team they are, refused to run up the score against Sweden, and, in a remarkable show of self-restraint, lost the game. Good show! Now that’s sportsmanship, keeping the score so close that you actually lose the game.
I’m sure at least some of you are thinking I shouldn’t be such a jerk to the loser Americans, you know, just like everyone else they trained for 4 years to get where they are now, only to see it all swept away by the underdog Swedes. Yeah, that’s too bad. Does anyone remember in Nagano in 1998 when American Sandra Whyte made fun of Danielle Goyette’s father, Henri-Paul, who had died two days before? How about at the last Olympics when American referee Stacey Livingston assessed 11 penalties against Canada, with only 4 against the US? No? Well I do. And how about in Salt Lake City when the Americans had a Canadian flag on the floor of their dressing room? How’s that for Olympic spirit? How’s that for sportsmanship? So do I feel bad for the American squad? No. Not one bit. They are still the same cheating losers they’ve always been.
Oh and Ruggeiro, way to go 0 for 2 in the shoot-out. Loser.
Have a good one!
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