While writing papers last week, (and by writing papers I mean talking on MSN and updating my Facebook), my procrastination was interrupted by a phenomenal new website designed for the hippest people in town. Yes, brownscourt.com has hit the web. This wonderful little website has vowed to allow anyone and everyone to post any shit they want with complete access and anonymity, taking the full brunt of any legal ramifications, one presumes. Words cannot express how flattered I was to be featured as the topic of the very first post to this new site. It is such an honour to be recognized by such an innovative and essential part of our community. And not be out-shined, the first post: ‘ryan g. doesnt know shit’ [sic] was quite an amazing piece of work. So amazing, in fact, that I decided a complete replication of the article was warranted, and so here it is (with my own accompanying commentary, of course):
Note: I apologize for the incredibly terrible spelling and grammar. Everything appears as it was originally published online.
“Anybody ever read the SU president’s blog in the Cadre? Dude doesnt know jack shit.”
As you correctly noted, my rant is published in The Cadre. Although I apparently do not know “jack shit,” I at least know that this form of publication would be what we in the English language commonly refer to as a ‘newspaper article.’ ‘Blogs’ appear online, and are not always, (but, having visited brownscourt.com, are apparently sometimes), written by people who "don't know jack shit". Further Note: As I am not exactly sure who this phenom of an author is, and assuming that the author is a male, given the fact that he referred to me as a “F***ing woman” at one point, will be referred to as Mr. Jack Shit for the remainder of this article.
“Why doesnt US invade North Korea?” Well, since the last invasion hasnt sparked that much love on the president… I dont think invading another country is the thing to do right away.”
I see that along the inability to spell half of the words in the English language, you are also unfamiliar with sarcasm. That’s terrible! Here’s an early Christmas gift from me to you, Jack: www.dictionary.com. Check it out sometime.
“As for your brilliant breakdown of magic 93…just because you dont like the damn music makes you a f***in expert or what? I’m not a Timberlake fan, but he is out there making millions while you are in uni making shitty columns for school papers.”
Sigh. You had to bring up Magic 93. So I hate Magic 93, get over it. I’ve explained many times where this irrational hatred of Paul and Anne comes from. So sue me. A little angst never hurt anyone. Anyways, what’s your beef with Timberlake? While you seem to think I am a huge Justin-basher, he hasn’t been mentioned in any of my rants since February 2004, and that was for ripping off Janet Jackson’s bra at the Superbowl. Get with the times kid. Do you have a little obsession with Mr. Sexy Back or something? And holy frig, if you’re referencing my articles from three years ago, are you maybe a little obsessed with the rant too? That’s kind of scary, Mr. Shit. But yes, I get your point, many of the people I satirize in my rant are richer and better looking and more talented than me. What a travesty. And yes, I am sitting here like a damn fool writing my rant for The Cadre and not making millions of dollars. In fact, I’m not making any damn money for them at all. Imagine. But you’re the moron sitting around writing blogs devoted to bashing my rants and my bullshit opinions. Your rant is about how my rants about other people are stupid. Look in a mirror, there moron. And how do you have this much time on your hands? If it’s because you skipped out on English 101 all semester, that would explain a whole hell of a lot.
“About the whole “music is blood…” ordeal: Shakespeare said shit close to that or even more wacked out and they call him a literary genious.”
I’m gonna have to stop you there, cowboy. The direct quote from the band ‘Dead Celebrity Status’ was: “Music is blood, blood is oxygen, breathe it in.” Um… no. Pretty sure Shakespeare didn’t say shit like that. You see, he was at least aware of the technical aspects of the English language, and was likely at least vaguely aware of what a proper metaphor was. And I have absolutely no issue with them saying “Music is Blood” or “Music is Oxygen” or “Music is Crack Cocaine” or whatever, because bands say stupid shit like that all the time. My problem is with the dumb-ass bands trying to make themselves seem more profound or emotionally thoughtful by referring to mundane and morbid objects or making lame attempts at dark poetry. But yes, you’re probably right, Dead Celebrity Status is definitely in line to follow Shakespeare into artistic infamy. Idiot.
“Im sure is isnt as easy as putting on eye shadow or getting tatoos to be musicians, otherwise I may as well say f*** this, prick my skin, and go get myself a record deal from Sony rapping about how I just lost my girl to a chimney sweep named Moe. What makes the shit legit is that the phrase “lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off” is pretty much true. Think about it.”
I have no opinion on this paragraph. Maybe if it made sense and I could actually understand what you were trying to say, I would be offended, but I honestly have no sweet clue how you manage to communicate on a day-to-day basis. And I agree; it takes more than eye shadow or tattoos to be a musician. And it takes more than breast implants and eating disorders and metaphors and references to death, blood, and suicide. So yeah, I don’t know why you decided to agree with me on that point, but sure. And the chimney sweep named Moe was a nice touch.
Anyways, Jack Shit, I guess my point is that there are many ways to contribute to a campus community, and whether you agree or not that my rant is a part of this university, your rant about my rants is in itself a recognition that it is, and I was not kidding when I said I was honoured to be mentioned on your special little website. Imitation, they say, is the sincerest form of flattery. I would suggest two things, however. First, that you maybe show some more respect towards the women on campus, mostly because they deserve it, but also because they constitute 65% of the student population, and could kick your ass. And secondly, that if you’re trying to make a contribution to this community with your website, try and recognize the hundreds of students who have gone above and beyond to build and maintain this community before you came along. Be it through any organization, group, program, initiative, article, protest, ceremony, or whatever, I know many who have been tirelessly involved in innumerable things here at UPEI and have done them all to the very best of their ability. I am most comfortable in criticizing stupid articles like your own, because I am fairly confident that without any like contribution, you have no leg to stand on in terms of critiquing the work of those around you. So Merry Christmas to you, Mr. Shit, and have a wonderful New Year’s in Brown’s Court.
And if you’re going to keep ranting in competition with mine, I suggest you catch up first. This is number 44. Good luck.
Have a good one, and Happy Holidays!
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#43)
What the hell is with this weather? In the past week I’ve seen hailstorms, torrential rain on sunny days, green sheet lightening and some crazy-ass fog. It’s ridiculous. But don’t worry. For all of you who blame the irregular weather patterns on Global Warming, have no fear, our savior is here. Yes, the Tories have decided not to put up with these Global Warming shenanigans any more, and have pledged to slash green-house gas emissions by 45-65% ...by the year 2050! 2050? Great! By then I’ll only be... well, dead. Morons. Someone needs to tell these people to get their shit together.
For those of you who don’t read The Guardian on a daily basis for it’s wealth of information on the local deaths and riveting tutorials on Contract Bridge, the paper has over-hauled their old design. But don’t worry, their proud tradition of printing dumb-ass stories and making themselves look like complete idiots continues. On October 13th, for example, there was a front-page story about the new high-tech PEI Licenses. Accompanying it in front-page, full colour 5x7 detail was a teenage girl holding up her shiny new license, complete with her name, her address, birthday, height, everything. Brilliant. What Privacy Act? It’s a wonder those geniuses over at The Guardian aren’t awarded a few more Pulitzer Prizes every now and then.
You know what pisses me off? (“Yes, Ryan, we know, we know. A lot of things piss you off.” Shut up.) It pisses me off that people don’t go out anymore. And sure, maybe I just got a little too attached to the Wednesday night Peake’s phenomenon this past summer, but nowadays, no one seems to want to go out. At all. Ever. And they all have stupid excuses. “Oh, I have a test next Tuesday.” “Ok... You know this is Friday right?” Now schoolwork aside, what pisses me off even more, are the people who figure they can’t go out or do schoolwork or anything because they have to watch a damn TV show. They have this dumb-ass idea that they have to be on the couch, at the same time every week, and they adjust their schedule accordingly. This is ridiculous. Watching some TV now and then never killed anyone, but putting your whole damn life on hold so that you can watch some stupid fictional life of some moron living their fictional life and interacting with other morons is bullshit. Tape it, rip it off the internet for frig’s sake, maybe even miss an episode. It’ll be on a friggin DVD in a few months anyway. Heaven forbid you try and live your own life once in a while.
Global National reported last week that the Tim Horton’s that will be opening in Afghanistan to bring a taste of home to Canadian soldiers is going to cost Canadians four million dollars. In the article they stated that operating the franchise coffee shop will cost an additional two to five million a year. Who cares how much it costs? The merits of any war being fought in the region now aside, we have sent thousands of young men and women across the world to fight a war. We will almost certainly watch some of them come back in flag-draped coffins, and Global thinks we should be pissed that they’re getting some coffee? Who gives a shit? It’s only $4 million. Down the street they’re spending 4.5 million to put in a few traffic lights at the Peter Pan corner. Build the soldiers a damn Disney Land for all I care, they do a job that most of us don’t have the balls to do, let them drink as much damn coffee as they want. They deserve it infinitely times more than some bureaucrat or dumb ass news anchor. Yes, I was referring to you Kevin Newman. Jackass.
There was a huge uproar last week when the Minister of Foreign Affairs, Peter MacKay allegedly called Liberal MP Belinda Stronach “a dog.” A little history here for those of you who don’t know; Belinda and Peter used to be a couple, in the romantic sense, back when Ms. Stronach had just broken onto the political scene as a member of the Conservatives. In 2004 she dumped MacKay by, get this, joining the Liberals, and she kind of neglected to tell MacKay this was all going down until about an hour or two before news of her desertion was made public. More recently, Stronach has been accused of being involved in an affair with former Toronto Maple Leafs enforcer Tie Domi, which, in turn, led to the break-up of his marriage. Now if any other woman was caught doing shit like this, MacKay may have called her any number of names; a dog, a home-wrecker, a skank-dragon. He could have said Fuddle Duddle for all we know. Does it really matter? Well the critics think so. They’ve been throwing conniption fits from here to Vancouver, screaming “this is an insult to all women everywhere.” Why? He didn’t call ‘every woman everywhere’ a dog. He just called Belinda a dog. Get a life. And sure, maybe Parliament is not the best place for this type of insult to be thrown about (not like they aren’t every other day anyway), but seriously, we’ve all seen break-ups worse than this in High School. You know, someone screws up, a few names get thrown around, maybe MacKay and Domi have a little tussle in the playground, and everyone goes home scarred for life. People need to stop pretending like this is some huge travesty that is beyond the means of comprehensibility. We’ve all been through shit like this. It’s just another story about a pretty girl and a guy with a broken heart. One journalist recognized Belinda for what she is and called her a bitch. As a result, he was ripped to shreds by other members of the media who said he should never get another job anywhere ever again. Overkill much? Here’s a couple quotes in reaction to his comments: “I find it shocking that people would use him now that he has displayed such horrible language around women.” Around women? What is this? 1877? “What he has done is absolutely unforgivable. It hurts women everywhere, and there is no place for that kind of language and that kind of attitude in our society today.” Screw off. Listen, she’s a rich drama queen, she dumped a boyfriend without telling him, deserted her whole political party in exchange for a patronage cabinet post, broke up a marriage, and says that her being accused of adultery is an impediment to other women who want to run for political office. Belinda IS a bitch. Chrétien was a bastard. I’m an asshole. Get over it.
Have a good one!
For those of you who don’t read The Guardian on a daily basis for it’s wealth of information on the local deaths and riveting tutorials on Contract Bridge, the paper has over-hauled their old design. But don’t worry, their proud tradition of printing dumb-ass stories and making themselves look like complete idiots continues. On October 13th, for example, there was a front-page story about the new high-tech PEI Licenses. Accompanying it in front-page, full colour 5x7 detail was a teenage girl holding up her shiny new license, complete with her name, her address, birthday, height, everything. Brilliant. What Privacy Act? It’s a wonder those geniuses over at The Guardian aren’t awarded a few more Pulitzer Prizes every now and then.
You know what pisses me off? (“Yes, Ryan, we know, we know. A lot of things piss you off.” Shut up.) It pisses me off that people don’t go out anymore. And sure, maybe I just got a little too attached to the Wednesday night Peake’s phenomenon this past summer, but nowadays, no one seems to want to go out. At all. Ever. And they all have stupid excuses. “Oh, I have a test next Tuesday.” “Ok... You know this is Friday right?” Now schoolwork aside, what pisses me off even more, are the people who figure they can’t go out or do schoolwork or anything because they have to watch a damn TV show. They have this dumb-ass idea that they have to be on the couch, at the same time every week, and they adjust their schedule accordingly. This is ridiculous. Watching some TV now and then never killed anyone, but putting your whole damn life on hold so that you can watch some stupid fictional life of some moron living their fictional life and interacting with other morons is bullshit. Tape it, rip it off the internet for frig’s sake, maybe even miss an episode. It’ll be on a friggin DVD in a few months anyway. Heaven forbid you try and live your own life once in a while.
Global National reported last week that the Tim Horton’s that will be opening in Afghanistan to bring a taste of home to Canadian soldiers is going to cost Canadians four million dollars. In the article they stated that operating the franchise coffee shop will cost an additional two to five million a year. Who cares how much it costs? The merits of any war being fought in the region now aside, we have sent thousands of young men and women across the world to fight a war. We will almost certainly watch some of them come back in flag-draped coffins, and Global thinks we should be pissed that they’re getting some coffee? Who gives a shit? It’s only $4 million. Down the street they’re spending 4.5 million to put in a few traffic lights at the Peter Pan corner. Build the soldiers a damn Disney Land for all I care, they do a job that most of us don’t have the balls to do, let them drink as much damn coffee as they want. They deserve it infinitely times more than some bureaucrat or dumb ass news anchor. Yes, I was referring to you Kevin Newman. Jackass.
There was a huge uproar last week when the Minister of Foreign Affairs, Peter MacKay allegedly called Liberal MP Belinda Stronach “a dog.” A little history here for those of you who don’t know; Belinda and Peter used to be a couple, in the romantic sense, back when Ms. Stronach had just broken onto the political scene as a member of the Conservatives. In 2004 she dumped MacKay by, get this, joining the Liberals, and she kind of neglected to tell MacKay this was all going down until about an hour or two before news of her desertion was made public. More recently, Stronach has been accused of being involved in an affair with former Toronto Maple Leafs enforcer Tie Domi, which, in turn, led to the break-up of his marriage. Now if any other woman was caught doing shit like this, MacKay may have called her any number of names; a dog, a home-wrecker, a skank-dragon. He could have said Fuddle Duddle for all we know. Does it really matter? Well the critics think so. They’ve been throwing conniption fits from here to Vancouver, screaming “this is an insult to all women everywhere.” Why? He didn’t call ‘every woman everywhere’ a dog. He just called Belinda a dog. Get a life. And sure, maybe Parliament is not the best place for this type of insult to be thrown about (not like they aren’t every other day anyway), but seriously, we’ve all seen break-ups worse than this in High School. You know, someone screws up, a few names get thrown around, maybe MacKay and Domi have a little tussle in the playground, and everyone goes home scarred for life. People need to stop pretending like this is some huge travesty that is beyond the means of comprehensibility. We’ve all been through shit like this. It’s just another story about a pretty girl and a guy with a broken heart. One journalist recognized Belinda for what she is and called her a bitch. As a result, he was ripped to shreds by other members of the media who said he should never get another job anywhere ever again. Overkill much? Here’s a couple quotes in reaction to his comments: “I find it shocking that people would use him now that he has displayed such horrible language around women.” Around women? What is this? 1877? “What he has done is absolutely unforgivable. It hurts women everywhere, and there is no place for that kind of language and that kind of attitude in our society today.” Screw off. Listen, she’s a rich drama queen, she dumped a boyfriend without telling him, deserted her whole political party in exchange for a patronage cabinet post, broke up a marriage, and says that her being accused of adultery is an impediment to other women who want to run for political office. Belinda IS a bitch. Chrétien was a bastard. I’m an asshole. Get over it.
Have a good one!
Monday, October 23, 2006
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#42)
Well, my the Thanksgiving break was short-lived. No sooner had I finished off about 45 pounds of Thanksgiving turkey when I found myself smack-dab in the middle of mid-term season. For many of us, this means logging in hundreds of hours in the super-quiet room in the Library or in Kelley’s good old 24-hour computer lab, for others, it means memorizing stuff to the point that you forget where you are, who you are, and how the hell you got yourself into this nonsense in the first place. For still others, such as myself, the massive amount of work piled in front of us means fretting about it constantly, while simultaneously ignoring it completely. Yes, procrastination is upon us. This made for an incredibly unproductive weekend for me, with the days broken up by random 3-hour naps in the middle of the afternoon, constant web-surfing through emails and blogs and Facebook, not to mention endless searches for obscure and useless information that has nothing to do with anything. It got so bad at one point that I resorted to cleaning the house, at which point I dug out an old juicer that Mom and Dad had bought during a mid-eighties health craze, and started making juice out of all the fruit in the refrigerator. Needless to say, I am pretty much screwed, and yet, instead of doing actual work, here I am writing a damn rant.
Liberal leadership contender Michael Ignatieff got into a bit of hot water last week when he stated that Israel had committed war crimes during the Hezbollah-Israeli war this past July. There was an uproar following these comment, prompting a former co-chair of his campaign and Liberal MP Irwin Cotler’s wife to withdraw support. Prime Minister Stephen Harper weighed in on the debate as well, accusing all the Liberal leadership candidates as being ‘anti-Israeli’ and shaming them for not standing up for the Jewish community (which is really smart, seeing as Bob Rae’s wife and kids are Jewish). Jewish groups from across the country also expressed outrage at Ignatieff’s comments. Why? First of all, we’re talking about Israel here, a nation-state, not a religion. It is an undisputable fact that during the war Israel used cluster bombs and destroyed electrical, water, and sewage plants, as well as Beirut International Airport, thus making civilian evacuation extremely difficult. Under the Geneva Conventions, these could all be considered war crimes.
Now I wouldn’t even try to suggest that Hezbollah is not responsible for war crimes, indeed as a terrorist organization, they are engaged almost exclusively in illegal activity, but this in no way exonerates Israel. The Israeli attack was responsible for the deaths of many Lebanese civilians and for the destruction of non-military infrastructure, including schools and hospitals. I don’t have a problem with people trying to dispute these facts, they certainly have that right, but I definitely have a problem with the suggestion that anyone who questions Israel is somehow anti-Israeli or anti-Semitic. It pisses me off when the popular media implies that suggesting any wrong-doing on the part of Israel is somehow taboo or racist. This is endemic of the past decade, and especially in the period since September 11th, in which our society has begun to accept the destruction of non-military infrastructure and civilian lives in foreign wars simply if we feel that the attacker has “a good reason.” That’s bullshit. The Geneva Convention was put in place for a reason; so that the rules of war would apply to everyone. A war crime is a war crime no matter who you’re fighting, what colour your skin is, or what religion you are. They are war crimes because they recklessly and needlessly endanger the lives of innocent civilians and non-combatants, and in this regard there are no ‘if,’ ‘ands,’ or ‘buts’ about it. We need to start rationally considering the laws of war, rather than using real or apprehended threats as justification for writing blank cheques to political leaders so they can wage war and wreak destruction without recourse or criticism.
On an unrelated note, if Weapons of Mass Destruction were reason enough to invade Iraq, then why the hell isn’t the US headed to North Korea? I mean, you wouldn’t even search through caves and shit, they march their WMDs right down Main Street, Pyongyang. Just a thought.
So, I got stuck in a car that had Magic 93 on the radio during the Top 9 @ 9 last week, and I am getting pretty worried about music these days. I figured I’d try to make the best out of a bad situation and give the countdown a chance, seeing as I hadn’t heard in about 5 years. So, song number three was announced, and this random song comes on about sleep and psychosis and cockroaches laying dreams in some guys brain. Of all the crap that’s out there, THIS is number 3?!? I have no idea what the name of the song is and who sings it, but holy crap it was terrible. And I mean I’ve heard some pretty bad songs on Magic over the years; Blue, Tub-thumping, Don’t Cha, Sexy Back, but for the love of everything sacred, is the whole industry going to shit?
I thought we had done pretty well making it through the bubblegum pop nonsense of the late 90s and the brief Latin craze, all but this emo-screamo-faux-urban-grunge -think-you’re-profound-because-you-talk-about-suicide bullshit is ridiculous. Who the hell are these people? And I don’t know why these bands think that if they swear and wear eye shadow and get tattoos that they’re all suddenly become legit musicians. More baffling is why the hell all the 13-year-old prostitots accept their allusions of grandeur as “good music”. Some band named ‘Dead Celebrity Status’ was recently quoted as saying: “Music is blood, blood is oxygen, breathe it in.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? Sure, we could consider music essential and metaphorically refer to it as either oxygen or blood, but using both in hopes of sounding hardcore, also renders this analogy flawed, redundant AND incredibly stupid. Of course some 13-year-old boy going through some puberty rebellion is going to be like “Shit yeah! They talk about blood, they’re awesome!” No, they’re not. They’re just dumb asses.
And who the hell are these ‘Panic! At the Disco’ morons? I’ll tell you who they are, they’re a bunch of damn kids who were born between 1985 and 1987 and have therefore never been to a damn disco and wouldn’t even know what a roller rink is for frig’s sake. These geniuses have managed to write a few clever little ditties however, like: ‘Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off’ and ‘The Only Difference Between Martyrdom And Suicide Is Press Coverage.’ Brilliant. A thousand monkeys typing on type-writers for 4 billion years couldn’t come up with such bullshit. Their lyrics are equally ridiculous: ‘“What a beautiful wedding!” says a bridesmaid to a waiter. “And yes, but what a shame, the poor groom's bride is a whore.”’ Awesome. Good Charlotte is still impressive with their skillfully written lyrics: “Motivate me, I wanna get myself out of this bed.” Lofty goals boys, lofty goals. And Mario continues to swoon the ladies with his love ballads: “C'mon and braid my hair, back in my hood” and “Where did you come from, I wanna thank your Moms for bringin' you into this life, and makin’ you my type.” Wow. What depth of character. Idiots. Oh, for all you skank-a-trons out there, the Pussycat Dolls are looking for a new lead singer. Apparently lead vocalist Nicole Elikolani Prescovia Scherzinger wants to go solo. Wonderful. I cannot wait.
And finally, don’t drink the water or make out with randoms at Mount A or St.FX. The Norwalk virus has rendered hundreds of students at these campuses as useless as, well, they’ve always been kind of useless. It kind of makes up for all the snobbish uppity-bitch comments about UPEI that I’ve heard from Mt.A and St.FX jerks over the past few years, like “At least we go to a real school.” Yeah well, at least we know how to wash our hands and shower now and then. I think it was all summed up fairly well when one of my friends at Mt.A said last week: “It’s really bad because everyone’s touching everyone.” Indeed. ‘Welcome to Mount A: Everyone’s touching everyone.’ Wonderful.
Have a good one!
Liberal leadership contender Michael Ignatieff got into a bit of hot water last week when he stated that Israel had committed war crimes during the Hezbollah-Israeli war this past July. There was an uproar following these comment, prompting a former co-chair of his campaign and Liberal MP Irwin Cotler’s wife to withdraw support. Prime Minister Stephen Harper weighed in on the debate as well, accusing all the Liberal leadership candidates as being ‘anti-Israeli’ and shaming them for not standing up for the Jewish community (which is really smart, seeing as Bob Rae’s wife and kids are Jewish). Jewish groups from across the country also expressed outrage at Ignatieff’s comments. Why? First of all, we’re talking about Israel here, a nation-state, not a religion. It is an undisputable fact that during the war Israel used cluster bombs and destroyed electrical, water, and sewage plants, as well as Beirut International Airport, thus making civilian evacuation extremely difficult. Under the Geneva Conventions, these could all be considered war crimes.
Now I wouldn’t even try to suggest that Hezbollah is not responsible for war crimes, indeed as a terrorist organization, they are engaged almost exclusively in illegal activity, but this in no way exonerates Israel. The Israeli attack was responsible for the deaths of many Lebanese civilians and for the destruction of non-military infrastructure, including schools and hospitals. I don’t have a problem with people trying to dispute these facts, they certainly have that right, but I definitely have a problem with the suggestion that anyone who questions Israel is somehow anti-Israeli or anti-Semitic. It pisses me off when the popular media implies that suggesting any wrong-doing on the part of Israel is somehow taboo or racist. This is endemic of the past decade, and especially in the period since September 11th, in which our society has begun to accept the destruction of non-military infrastructure and civilian lives in foreign wars simply if we feel that the attacker has “a good reason.” That’s bullshit. The Geneva Convention was put in place for a reason; so that the rules of war would apply to everyone. A war crime is a war crime no matter who you’re fighting, what colour your skin is, or what religion you are. They are war crimes because they recklessly and needlessly endanger the lives of innocent civilians and non-combatants, and in this regard there are no ‘if,’ ‘ands,’ or ‘buts’ about it. We need to start rationally considering the laws of war, rather than using real or apprehended threats as justification for writing blank cheques to political leaders so they can wage war and wreak destruction without recourse or criticism.
On an unrelated note, if Weapons of Mass Destruction were reason enough to invade Iraq, then why the hell isn’t the US headed to North Korea? I mean, you wouldn’t even search through caves and shit, they march their WMDs right down Main Street, Pyongyang. Just a thought.
So, I got stuck in a car that had Magic 93 on the radio during the Top 9 @ 9 last week, and I am getting pretty worried about music these days. I figured I’d try to make the best out of a bad situation and give the countdown a chance, seeing as I hadn’t heard in about 5 years. So, song number three was announced, and this random song comes on about sleep and psychosis and cockroaches laying dreams in some guys brain. Of all the crap that’s out there, THIS is number 3?!? I have no idea what the name of the song is and who sings it, but holy crap it was terrible. And I mean I’ve heard some pretty bad songs on Magic over the years; Blue, Tub-thumping, Don’t Cha, Sexy Back, but for the love of everything sacred, is the whole industry going to shit?
I thought we had done pretty well making it through the bubblegum pop nonsense of the late 90s and the brief Latin craze, all but this emo-screamo-faux-urban-grunge -think-you’re-profound-because-you-talk-about-suicide bullshit is ridiculous. Who the hell are these people? And I don’t know why these bands think that if they swear and wear eye shadow and get tattoos that they’re all suddenly become legit musicians. More baffling is why the hell all the 13-year-old prostitots accept their allusions of grandeur as “good music”. Some band named ‘Dead Celebrity Status’ was recently quoted as saying: “Music is blood, blood is oxygen, breathe it in.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? Sure, we could consider music essential and metaphorically refer to it as either oxygen or blood, but using both in hopes of sounding hardcore, also renders this analogy flawed, redundant AND incredibly stupid. Of course some 13-year-old boy going through some puberty rebellion is going to be like “Shit yeah! They talk about blood, they’re awesome!” No, they’re not. They’re just dumb asses.
And who the hell are these ‘Panic! At the Disco’ morons? I’ll tell you who they are, they’re a bunch of damn kids who were born between 1985 and 1987 and have therefore never been to a damn disco and wouldn’t even know what a roller rink is for frig’s sake. These geniuses have managed to write a few clever little ditties however, like: ‘Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off’ and ‘The Only Difference Between Martyrdom And Suicide Is Press Coverage.’ Brilliant. A thousand monkeys typing on type-writers for 4 billion years couldn’t come up with such bullshit. Their lyrics are equally ridiculous: ‘“What a beautiful wedding!” says a bridesmaid to a waiter. “And yes, but what a shame, the poor groom's bride is a whore.”’ Awesome. Good Charlotte is still impressive with their skillfully written lyrics: “Motivate me, I wanna get myself out of this bed.” Lofty goals boys, lofty goals. And Mario continues to swoon the ladies with his love ballads: “C'mon and braid my hair, back in my hood” and “Where did you come from, I wanna thank your Moms for bringin' you into this life, and makin’ you my type.” Wow. What depth of character. Idiots. Oh, for all you skank-a-trons out there, the Pussycat Dolls are looking for a new lead singer. Apparently lead vocalist Nicole Elikolani Prescovia Scherzinger wants to go solo. Wonderful. I cannot wait.
And finally, don’t drink the water or make out with randoms at Mount A or St.FX. The Norwalk virus has rendered hundreds of students at these campuses as useless as, well, they’ve always been kind of useless. It kind of makes up for all the snobbish uppity-bitch comments about UPEI that I’ve heard from Mt.A and St.FX jerks over the past few years, like “At least we go to a real school.” Yeah well, at least we know how to wash our hands and shower now and then. I think it was all summed up fairly well when one of my friends at Mt.A said last week: “It’s really bad because everyone’s touching everyone.” Indeed. ‘Welcome to Mount A: Everyone’s touching everyone.’ Wonderful.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#41)
You wouldn’t normally think of a Pub Crawl as an educational experience, unless of course you’re doing research on how many juggidy-jugs you can drink before you pass-out on the floor of some random bathroom or about how much force is needed to jump through a plate glass window at the legion. The Big Ass Pub Crawl however, taught me a few things about the downtown night life that I wasn’t aware of before. See, I come from a time when downtown used to be the place to be, a time when people actually went to Myron’s. No seriously, people would actually pay to get into Moron’s, and on their own free will at that! You younger students probably think I’m crazy, but it’s the truth.
Anyways, the Kent Street I encountered the night of the Pub Crawl was much different from the one I remember. I first noticed that, a) Kent Street is pretty damn sketchy. Random fights were breaking out here and there and there were some pretty some shady characters roaming around, not to mention a few too many prostitots to be out that time of the night. Of course back in the day Kent Street saw its share of rowdiness too, as, every now and then, the crowds from Moron’s, Melon’s, and Breaker’s would converge on Kent, along with a small fleet of cabs, 10 or 12 City Police vehicles and a couple RCMP cruisers shuttling patron after patron off to Sleepy Hollow. You didn’t, however, have to fear for your life, unless, of course, you had hit on some random girlfriend of a guy hopped up on E. Need more proof that Kent is becoming increasingly ridiculous? 3 words: Myron’s Chem-Free. Sketch. b) Source Security is absolutely and utterly useless. I came out of a bar that night to see some guy getting his head bashed in, and not like a few love-taps to the face, this was hospital-trip-in-an-ambulance kind of bashed in, and all the while some Source Security guard watched on from about, oh, 6 feet away. Not 3 minutes later me and another guy had to break up two other guys in the exact same place. Now, in case you’ve never seen me before, I am not exactly what you’d call the most buff guy on campus, and though I went to school in the Crick for 9 years, I am definitely not qualified to break up two drunken idiots arguing over some bar star or cigarettes or whatever. We intervened because these two guys were about to rip each other apart, and we were slightly concerned, which is more than I can say for Mr. Shit-for-brains security dude. Finally, c) The Dining Room of Piazza Joe’s is a ridiculous place to host a dance party. Call me crazy, but a place with slippery wet floors, broken beer bottles and a massive head-bashable fountain right in the centre of the room is not the best place on earth to have a couple hundred very drunk and very stumbly students rocking out. As a side-note, girls, please start wearing more practical footwear. I know you think the heels and the hours of pain are worth it to look a little bit taller, but honestly, I don’t think you’re really fooling anyone. “Hey look Ted, Mary grew 3 inches since yesterday.” “Wow, she is so hot now.” Here’s a little test, if the shoes are so uncomfortable that you have to take them off before the end of the night to walk home barefoot, or worse, around the glass-covered dance floor then those shoes are very very stupid. Go get your money back.
The Guardian reported last week that as a result of the collapse of a 35 or so year-old overpass in Laval, Québec last week, PEI’s Department of Transportation and Public Works has sprung into action, inspecting all 4 overpasses on PEI. Yep. All 4 of them. Thankfully each structure was given the stringent “two-tier” on-site inspection. The first test is a visual test, which consists of some guy looking at the overpass and noting if there are any “sagging beams or missing parts.” Missing parts eh? “Hmmm. This one seems to be missing a 7-tonne pillar. I wonder where that got off to now?” I was told that the second part of the test is an auditory test. Yes, and auditory test on an immovable structure made of tons of concrete. Wonderful. Why the hell does The Guardian feel it necessary to make Islanders look like the biggest morons on the face of the earth. Also last week, instead of using the front page to report on actual news, like Canadians in Afghanistan or North Korea’s nuclear testing, they had a story about some poet writing a poem about this lady peeling carrots somewhere up west. Honestly, what the hell is wrong with them?
Last week the U.S. House of Representatives was advised to invest in some new Coast Guard vessels for the Arctic, prompted by reports from scientists who suggested that global warming could result in a completely ice-free Arctic passage within decades. “We must conduct surveys of our nation's extended continental shelf in order to support our claims of sovereignty.” said advisor Mead Treadwell. Does no one else see anything wrong with this? So the Americans want to exert their control and sovereignty and superiority and yeah, blah blah blah. Same old. But the North-West passage may be ice-free within a matter of decades? Um. I think we should maybe get some priorities figured out here. Instead of working to combat global warming and the catastrophic results of having the Arctic ice melting, we’re going to buy a couple boats so we can sail around up there when it’s all thawed out? Brilliant.
In other news, in response to the tens of thousands of terrorists that row across Lake Superior to get into the US every year, the US Coast Guard has begun to patrol the Great Lakes on boats with mounted .30-calibre machine guns. This would be funny if it weren’t so sad. Everyone realizes the gravity of 9-11 and its fallout, but this is a bit of an illogical over-reaction. As an old proverb puts it: “Why are you out on your lawn wildly waving your arms?” “I’m keeping away all the tigers.” “There aren’t any tigers around here.” “See how well it works!?”
Finally, I would like to apologize for my previous rant in which I criticized the extravagant spending on the redesign of Peter Pan Corner. I had stated that I thought the $3.5 million was a bit excessive, but see, I didn’t realize that by “fix Peter Pan Corner” they actually meant “rip up everything within a 5-mile radius” and “push mud around randomly for a few weeks.” My bad.
Anyways, the Kent Street I encountered the night of the Pub Crawl was much different from the one I remember. I first noticed that, a) Kent Street is pretty damn sketchy. Random fights were breaking out here and there and there were some pretty some shady characters roaming around, not to mention a few too many prostitots to be out that time of the night. Of course back in the day Kent Street saw its share of rowdiness too, as, every now and then, the crowds from Moron’s, Melon’s, and Breaker’s would converge on Kent, along with a small fleet of cabs, 10 or 12 City Police vehicles and a couple RCMP cruisers shuttling patron after patron off to Sleepy Hollow. You didn’t, however, have to fear for your life, unless, of course, you had hit on some random girlfriend of a guy hopped up on E. Need more proof that Kent is becoming increasingly ridiculous? 3 words: Myron’s Chem-Free. Sketch. b) Source Security is absolutely and utterly useless. I came out of a bar that night to see some guy getting his head bashed in, and not like a few love-taps to the face, this was hospital-trip-in-an-ambulance kind of bashed in, and all the while some Source Security guard watched on from about, oh, 6 feet away. Not 3 minutes later me and another guy had to break up two other guys in the exact same place. Now, in case you’ve never seen me before, I am not exactly what you’d call the most buff guy on campus, and though I went to school in the Crick for 9 years, I am definitely not qualified to break up two drunken idiots arguing over some bar star or cigarettes or whatever. We intervened because these two guys were about to rip each other apart, and we were slightly concerned, which is more than I can say for Mr. Shit-for-brains security dude. Finally, c) The Dining Room of Piazza Joe’s is a ridiculous place to host a dance party. Call me crazy, but a place with slippery wet floors, broken beer bottles and a massive head-bashable fountain right in the centre of the room is not the best place on earth to have a couple hundred very drunk and very stumbly students rocking out. As a side-note, girls, please start wearing more practical footwear. I know you think the heels and the hours of pain are worth it to look a little bit taller, but honestly, I don’t think you’re really fooling anyone. “Hey look Ted, Mary grew 3 inches since yesterday.” “Wow, she is so hot now.” Here’s a little test, if the shoes are so uncomfortable that you have to take them off before the end of the night to walk home barefoot, or worse, around the glass-covered dance floor then those shoes are very very stupid. Go get your money back.
The Guardian reported last week that as a result of the collapse of a 35 or so year-old overpass in Laval, Québec last week, PEI’s Department of Transportation and Public Works has sprung into action, inspecting all 4 overpasses on PEI. Yep. All 4 of them. Thankfully each structure was given the stringent “two-tier” on-site inspection. The first test is a visual test, which consists of some guy looking at the overpass and noting if there are any “sagging beams or missing parts.” Missing parts eh? “Hmmm. This one seems to be missing a 7-tonne pillar. I wonder where that got off to now?” I was told that the second part of the test is an auditory test. Yes, and auditory test on an immovable structure made of tons of concrete. Wonderful. Why the hell does The Guardian feel it necessary to make Islanders look like the biggest morons on the face of the earth. Also last week, instead of using the front page to report on actual news, like Canadians in Afghanistan or North Korea’s nuclear testing, they had a story about some poet writing a poem about this lady peeling carrots somewhere up west. Honestly, what the hell is wrong with them?
Last week the U.S. House of Representatives was advised to invest in some new Coast Guard vessels for the Arctic, prompted by reports from scientists who suggested that global warming could result in a completely ice-free Arctic passage within decades. “We must conduct surveys of our nation's extended continental shelf in order to support our claims of sovereignty.” said advisor Mead Treadwell. Does no one else see anything wrong with this? So the Americans want to exert their control and sovereignty and superiority and yeah, blah blah blah. Same old. But the North-West passage may be ice-free within a matter of decades? Um. I think we should maybe get some priorities figured out here. Instead of working to combat global warming and the catastrophic results of having the Arctic ice melting, we’re going to buy a couple boats so we can sail around up there when it’s all thawed out? Brilliant.
In other news, in response to the tens of thousands of terrorists that row across Lake Superior to get into the US every year, the US Coast Guard has begun to patrol the Great Lakes on boats with mounted .30-calibre machine guns. This would be funny if it weren’t so sad. Everyone realizes the gravity of 9-11 and its fallout, but this is a bit of an illogical over-reaction. As an old proverb puts it: “Why are you out on your lawn wildly waving your arms?” “I’m keeping away all the tigers.” “There aren’t any tigers around here.” “See how well it works!?”
Finally, I would like to apologize for my previous rant in which I criticized the extravagant spending on the redesign of Peter Pan Corner. I had stated that I thought the $3.5 million was a bit excessive, but see, I didn’t realize that by “fix Peter Pan Corner” they actually meant “rip up everything within a 5-mile radius” and “push mud around randomly for a few weeks.” My bad.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
The Official Video of NSO 2006
The critics agree:
"This is the best thing i've ever seen."
-Maria
"I love Eugene ...I wish [Ryan] was like him all the time."
- Laur
"Your video made my day... It was awesome."
- Erica
Sunday, September 17, 2006
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#40)
Well, summer’s over. It’s again that time of year when you can feel the impending onslaught of the coming fall and winter. A time when the fresh scent of frost greets you in the morning, when school busses resume the transportation of young minds to and from their places of education and a time of year when, if you try camping in a tent, it feels like it’s about -367 degrees outside, and you are pretty sure that you are going to wake up dead. Unfortunately, camping last week, for me anyway, was not all that fun, as a few successive “welcome back” rounds of tequila at The Wave forced me to spend much of that night, and the balance of the following day, holding onto the floor for dear life. Oh it’s good to be back.
Now I don’t know who the came up with this brilliant plan, but someone apparently thought that it would be a good idea to wait through the entire four months of summer break so they could paint the Student Centre on the first day of school. Now I understand that there’s a lot of work to be done on campus in the summer, but perhaps it would make more sense to paint BEFORE 4,000 students return to campus. Oh, and paving the roads and pathways around campus on day one was definitely a good idea too. Not like it isn’t a huge inconvenience or an unflattering portrait of incompetence and disorganization to present to our students on the first day of school or anything. Speaking of pave and stuff, why the hell is it going to take $3.5 million and three months to re-design the Peter Pan corner? Now I know some engineering students may disagree with me here, but as far as I understand, all they really have to do is bulldoze some dirt around, put down some pave, and throw up some traffic lights. A million bucks, a couple 2-4s, and some friends and I could have that done by lunchtime tomorrow. And they’re only a million dollars over-budget. Even though they just started. Wonderful.
The elite forces of the Charlottetown City Police have once again displayed their superior abilities as a crime-fighting force. Now, I wouldn’t say that it would be incredibly stupid to deploy the entire City Police force for the Black Eyed Peas concert, especially given the ridiculous reactions of the citizens of the City. Maybe a little over-dramatic, but all-in-all, a pretty good precautionary measure. However, I would say that it would probably take a fairly severe bout of brain damage to come up with the brilliant plan of telling the whole world that, “Yeah, so our entire police force is going to be down at the CDP for 6 or 7 hours on September 3rd.” Good one. Idiots.
Of course the Dudley Do-Right antics of the City Police are matched only by the incredible ignorance of the residents of this city. When it was announced that the Black Eyed Peas would be at the CDP, the people of Charlottetown reacted with all the grace of an irate pack of rabid Balinese monkeys on crack cocaine. By the letters and horror-story scenarios sent to The Guardian, you would think that instead of a Black Eyed Peas concert, Charlottetown was playing host to a Hitler and the Third Reich tribute concert, complete with the 10th SS Panzer Division and live grenade launcher demonstrations aimed somewhere into the downtown core. One woman told the CBC that she was pissed that no one had come to ask her how she personally felt about the Black Eyed Peas coming to town. (“Well m’am,” someone should have told her, “no one really gives a shit.”) She continued, telling the CBC that this wasn’t just any old concert, “This concert is going to take 13 to 25 (year olds). A lot more alcohol, drugs, needles - whatever can take place at any concert.” Wow, what faith this society has in its young people. Yeah, those 13 year-old prostitots are definitely a huge threat to this city eh? And needles? When is the last time you saw heroine addicts scrambling in line to buy tickets to a concert? Pretty sure they’re saving up their cash for other things than Black Eyed Peas there dear. People need to lose a little bit of their anal retentiveness around here and calm the hell down. Maybe worry a little less about your pristine lawn, about your boat down at the yacht club, and whether or not we should have pop in cans, and worry a little more about whether criminals are going to break into your house while all the police are down at the CDP.
This was a busy summer for the airwaves on PEI, with a ton of changes in the realm of radio. Most notably were the end of the CHTN era and the beginning of Ocean and K-Rock. (By the way, if you are reading this and you are the new K-Rock 105.5 $10,000 Fugitive, you owe me.) With the popularity of the new stations however, there are some who can’t help but feel sorry for the old hapless and embattled Magic 93. They were there for years, pumping out the pop beats of a generation, and people are starting to miss, or at least feel sorry for Paul and Anne. I guess somewhere in everyone’s psyche there is a little twinge of guilt for switching over to a new station and some nostalgia of the Top 9 at 9 that pulls at our heart strings. Yeah? Well not mine. Paul and Anne and the whole Magic 93 fun bus can go straight to hell. I’ve had enough Great Lite Rock Hits to last four and a half lifetimes, and if I never hear a story about Paul Allen and his damn addiction to chocolate Easter bunnies again, it will be too soon. I don’t think anyone can understand how much I absolutely despise Magic 93. It took me roughly 3,800 hours of forced listenership on a School Bus and 12 years of Paula Cole and Shawn Colvin and Billie Myers to develop a hatred this severe. Good riddance I say. All the over-played songs that Magic killed are now avenged.
Can someone explain to me why parts of Brown's Court have been re-named Island Dale Estates? I’m not even sure what to say about this one. Sure, I can deal with the “Island” part of the name. Ok, so we’re on an island. Not all that original, but whatever. I can even overlook the “Dale” part. Mind you, by definition, a “dale” is a low-lying area or valley, and Brown’s Court happens to be on the top of the highest hill in Charlottetown, but whatever, I don’t care. Seriously though, “Estates”? Honestly. If I were asked to make a list of 4 billion words to describe Brown’s Court beginning with the most appropriate, all the way down to words that don’t even remotely relate to the premises, “Estate” wouldn’t even be among those 4 billion words. It is more likely that I would resort to words in Swahili and Mandarin Chinese before “Estate” would even cross my mind. This is, remember, the same area that prompted one of my friends, after seeing it on New Year’s Eve, to exclaim: “Oh my God. Brown’s Court is like Rwanda!” Of course, as I've said before, there are far fewer drunken idiots in Rwanda.
Have a good one!
Now I don’t know who the came up with this brilliant plan, but someone apparently thought that it would be a good idea to wait through the entire four months of summer break so they could paint the Student Centre on the first day of school. Now I understand that there’s a lot of work to be done on campus in the summer, but perhaps it would make more sense to paint BEFORE 4,000 students return to campus. Oh, and paving the roads and pathways around campus on day one was definitely a good idea too. Not like it isn’t a huge inconvenience or an unflattering portrait of incompetence and disorganization to present to our students on the first day of school or anything. Speaking of pave and stuff, why the hell is it going to take $3.5 million and three months to re-design the Peter Pan corner? Now I know some engineering students may disagree with me here, but as far as I understand, all they really have to do is bulldoze some dirt around, put down some pave, and throw up some traffic lights. A million bucks, a couple 2-4s, and some friends and I could have that done by lunchtime tomorrow. And they’re only a million dollars over-budget. Even though they just started. Wonderful.
The elite forces of the Charlottetown City Police have once again displayed their superior abilities as a crime-fighting force. Now, I wouldn’t say that it would be incredibly stupid to deploy the entire City Police force for the Black Eyed Peas concert, especially given the ridiculous reactions of the citizens of the City. Maybe a little over-dramatic, but all-in-all, a pretty good precautionary measure. However, I would say that it would probably take a fairly severe bout of brain damage to come up with the brilliant plan of telling the whole world that, “Yeah, so our entire police force is going to be down at the CDP for 6 or 7 hours on September 3rd.” Good one. Idiots.
Of course the Dudley Do-Right antics of the City Police are matched only by the incredible ignorance of the residents of this city. When it was announced that the Black Eyed Peas would be at the CDP, the people of Charlottetown reacted with all the grace of an irate pack of rabid Balinese monkeys on crack cocaine. By the letters and horror-story scenarios sent to The Guardian, you would think that instead of a Black Eyed Peas concert, Charlottetown was playing host to a Hitler and the Third Reich tribute concert, complete with the 10th SS Panzer Division and live grenade launcher demonstrations aimed somewhere into the downtown core. One woman told the CBC that she was pissed that no one had come to ask her how she personally felt about the Black Eyed Peas coming to town. (“Well m’am,” someone should have told her, “no one really gives a shit.”) She continued, telling the CBC that this wasn’t just any old concert, “This concert is going to take 13 to 25 (year olds). A lot more alcohol, drugs, needles - whatever can take place at any concert.” Wow, what faith this society has in its young people. Yeah, those 13 year-old prostitots are definitely a huge threat to this city eh? And needles? When is the last time you saw heroine addicts scrambling in line to buy tickets to a concert? Pretty sure they’re saving up their cash for other things than Black Eyed Peas there dear. People need to lose a little bit of their anal retentiveness around here and calm the hell down. Maybe worry a little less about your pristine lawn, about your boat down at the yacht club, and whether or not we should have pop in cans, and worry a little more about whether criminals are going to break into your house while all the police are down at the CDP.
This was a busy summer for the airwaves on PEI, with a ton of changes in the realm of radio. Most notably were the end of the CHTN era and the beginning of Ocean and K-Rock. (By the way, if you are reading this and you are the new K-Rock 105.5 $10,000 Fugitive, you owe me.) With the popularity of the new stations however, there are some who can’t help but feel sorry for the old hapless and embattled Magic 93. They were there for years, pumping out the pop beats of a generation, and people are starting to miss, or at least feel sorry for Paul and Anne. I guess somewhere in everyone’s psyche there is a little twinge of guilt for switching over to a new station and some nostalgia of the Top 9 at 9 that pulls at our heart strings. Yeah? Well not mine. Paul and Anne and the whole Magic 93 fun bus can go straight to hell. I’ve had enough Great Lite Rock Hits to last four and a half lifetimes, and if I never hear a story about Paul Allen and his damn addiction to chocolate Easter bunnies again, it will be too soon. I don’t think anyone can understand how much I absolutely despise Magic 93. It took me roughly 3,800 hours of forced listenership on a School Bus and 12 years of Paula Cole and Shawn Colvin and Billie Myers to develop a hatred this severe. Good riddance I say. All the over-played songs that Magic killed are now avenged.
Can someone explain to me why parts of Brown's Court have been re-named Island Dale Estates? I’m not even sure what to say about this one. Sure, I can deal with the “Island” part of the name. Ok, so we’re on an island. Not all that original, but whatever. I can even overlook the “Dale” part. Mind you, by definition, a “dale” is a low-lying area or valley, and Brown’s Court happens to be on the top of the highest hill in Charlottetown, but whatever, I don’t care. Seriously though, “Estates”? Honestly. If I were asked to make a list of 4 billion words to describe Brown’s Court beginning with the most appropriate, all the way down to words that don’t even remotely relate to the premises, “Estate” wouldn’t even be among those 4 billion words. It is more likely that I would resort to words in Swahili and Mandarin Chinese before “Estate” would even cross my mind. This is, remember, the same area that prompted one of my friends, after seeing it on New Year’s Eve, to exclaim: “Oh my God. Brown’s Court is like Rwanda!” Of course, as I've said before, there are far fewer drunken idiots in Rwanda.
Have a good one!
Monday, March 20, 2006
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#39)
Well, the unthinkable happened last week. Yes, Canadian Tire did what every Canadian has been wanting to do for the past 7 years: putting the Canadian Tire couple to death. Figuratively of course, the actors who played them are still alive, but for all intents and purposes Ted and Gloria have been put out of their suburban-minivan-complete-ratchet-set misery after terrorizing the airwaves for 7 years. 7 years? Wow, that’s not beating the life out of a marketing ploy or anything. I never really understood how any marketing agency could come up with such a lame attempt at selling off screwdrivers and pressure washers. It was always like those damn condescending infomercials where their trying to sell some new-fangled spaghetti strainer, but they first have to show a few morons using an old-fashioned strainer, flailing around like rabid zombies, throwing pasta and boiling water all over the place. Yeah, Ted’s idiot neighbor would always show up: “Ted, help me, I need to drill a hole. Ted, help me, I need to see better out of my windshield so I don’t die. Ted, help me, I’m an incompetent moron.” See this is why men hated Ted. While every other man in Canada was fixing problems with duct tape and baler twine and fixing their car’s engine with a hammer and a butter knife, Ted was always working at something with his new tools with his eerily happy family and his RV and his boat and his cottage and his ATVs. The man made Inspector Gadget look about as technically inclined as Michael Bolton. To add insult to injury, the punch-line endings to the commercials were always stupid and were never funny.
Ted: “Look at these new windshield wipers!”
Idiot Neighbor: “You really should shave your beard!”
Together: “Hahaha!"
Ted: “Look how clean my boat is!”
Idiot Neighbor: “Ted, why do you still camp in tents when you already own an RV and a cottage?”
Together: “Hahaha!”
Ted: “I just realigned my tires and braking system so we don’t crash into trees the next time we go on a family adventure!”
Idiot Neighbor: “Wow. I should borrow that for my car so we don’t drive into any trees either!”
Ted: “Too bad, you’ll have to get your own. Only at Canadian Tire!”
Together: “Hahaha!”
Ted: “No seriously. Get your own.”
The worst all-time commercial was when Ted was proving how rugged he was by packing for a day on the trail with his ATV, but his wife took off on it before he got the chance. I half expected him to turn to the camera: “New, from Canadian Tire, the long-range assault sniper rifle.” Where the hell did they get the money to buy all that shit anyway? I mean once they got started I’m sure their income in Canadian Tire money alone was comparable to the economy of an emerging Eastern European country, but unless Ted was robbing banks on the side (with the Motomaster Vault-O-Matic no doubt), I don’t see how he was making enough cash to support his wife, deadbeat son, a few cars, the cottage, RV, boat, ATVs, etc., not to mention spending upwards of $200,000 a month at Canadian Tire. Ahwell. Love them or hate them, Ted and Gloria are gone now, but they will live on in Canadian Television infamy, along the old Norwich Union couple, (“It’s Patrick! He took out life insurance!”) The Canadian Legal Will Kit, and Hal Johnson and Joanne MacLeod.
In keeping with recent events in the Middle East of late a Canadian, who works for a U.S.-based humanitarian agency, was kidnapped by extremists from the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine (PFLP) in the Gaza Strip last week. The 57-year-old Ottawa man was taken at gunpoint, held in a basement, and was forced by his captors to record video for the media. As they went through his belongings, however, the kidnappers found Adam Budzanowski’s Canadian passport, and were immediately disappointed. They had thought they had kidnapped an American and therefore had leverage to negotiate an end to Israel’s attack on a West Bank prison. Obviously disheartened at the discovery, the kidnappers made sure Mr. Budzanowski was Canadian by asking about stores near his home in Ottawa before exclaiming, “We love Canada!” “Which is a wonderful thing to hear when you have guns pointed at you.” Budzanowski said later. Yeah, I’ll bet. What a bunch of morons.
PFLP 1: “All we have to do is kidnap some Americans and Brits so we can stop the Israeli attack on that prison!”
PFLP 2: “Yeah, because kidnapping people in the Middle East has certainly forced them to stop bombing us in the past!”
Can you imagine them when they found out he was Canadian?
PFLP 1: “Canadian? SHIT! What do we do now?”
PFLP 2: “Well, we could stop kidnapping people and instead turn our focus to instilling democracy and…
Nan: SLAP! “Say you’re sorry.”
Apparently one of the kidnappers even gave Mr. Budzanowski his phone number before they released him in case he ever needed help with anything. “Say hello to Canada!” Yeah. I’ll get right on that. Moron.
This brings me to another issue; it was brought to my attention this past week that some people on campus hate me because I, and I quote “Hate Americans.” This, first of all, is not true. On the individual level, most Americans I know are great people. My sister and her family, as I’ve said before, are American, and obviously if I ever said I hated all Americans, by association they would be part of that group. Granted, I do hate the government that is now in power in the states, and I hate Dubya as someone who is grossly incompetent, incredibly stupid, and is not exactly the person I would want to leave in charge of a pair of sharp scissors, let alone the largest nuclear arsenal in the world. I realize as well that many people share this sentiment, including a great number of Americans. At the same time, there are also many Canadians that I hate, Kalan Porter, Steve Moore, Theory of a Deadman, Stephen Harper, but I would never even attempt to group all Canadians in to a similar group, and it’s the same thing for Americans. Sure, there are some Americans that I hate, but I am not stupid enough to group all 300 or so million of them into a single homogeneous group. Mr. Dressup was American for God’s sake. In fact, I would guess that I hate at least one person from every country in the world, but most of the 6 billion people on earth aren’t that bad. The ones I’ve met so far anyway.
I think a more accurate thing to say would be that I hate stupidity and incompetence, and I’m sure that we can find plenty of people that fit this description, on both sides of the border: George Bush, Bad Drivers, Paul Allen, Kenny G, Steroid Ben, Lucille Poulin, Ron Popeil, that guy who does those Yoplait commercials, the Ottawa Senators, the KKK, the Burger King king, the 2000 Flushes guy, Richard Simmons, Lou Bega, Jared from Subway, the entire cast of “Touched by an Angel,” the list goes on…
Have a good one!
Ted: “Look at these new windshield wipers!”
Idiot Neighbor: “You really should shave your beard!”
Together: “Hahaha!"
Ted: “Look how clean my boat is!”
Idiot Neighbor: “Ted, why do you still camp in tents when you already own an RV and a cottage?”
Together: “Hahaha!”
Ted: “I just realigned my tires and braking system so we don’t crash into trees the next time we go on a family adventure!”
Idiot Neighbor: “Wow. I should borrow that for my car so we don’t drive into any trees either!”
Ted: “Too bad, you’ll have to get your own. Only at Canadian Tire!”
Together: “Hahaha!”
Ted: “No seriously. Get your own.”
The worst all-time commercial was when Ted was proving how rugged he was by packing for a day on the trail with his ATV, but his wife took off on it before he got the chance. I half expected him to turn to the camera: “New, from Canadian Tire, the long-range assault sniper rifle.” Where the hell did they get the money to buy all that shit anyway? I mean once they got started I’m sure their income in Canadian Tire money alone was comparable to the economy of an emerging Eastern European country, but unless Ted was robbing banks on the side (with the Motomaster Vault-O-Matic no doubt), I don’t see how he was making enough cash to support his wife, deadbeat son, a few cars, the cottage, RV, boat, ATVs, etc., not to mention spending upwards of $200,000 a month at Canadian Tire. Ahwell. Love them or hate them, Ted and Gloria are gone now, but they will live on in Canadian Television infamy, along the old Norwich Union couple, (“It’s Patrick! He took out life insurance!”) The Canadian Legal Will Kit, and Hal Johnson and Joanne MacLeod.
In keeping with recent events in the Middle East of late a Canadian, who works for a U.S.-based humanitarian agency, was kidnapped by extremists from the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine (PFLP) in the Gaza Strip last week. The 57-year-old Ottawa man was taken at gunpoint, held in a basement, and was forced by his captors to record video for the media. As they went through his belongings, however, the kidnappers found Adam Budzanowski’s Canadian passport, and were immediately disappointed. They had thought they had kidnapped an American and therefore had leverage to negotiate an end to Israel’s attack on a West Bank prison. Obviously disheartened at the discovery, the kidnappers made sure Mr. Budzanowski was Canadian by asking about stores near his home in Ottawa before exclaiming, “We love Canada!” “Which is a wonderful thing to hear when you have guns pointed at you.” Budzanowski said later. Yeah, I’ll bet. What a bunch of morons.
PFLP 1: “All we have to do is kidnap some Americans and Brits so we can stop the Israeli attack on that prison!”
PFLP 2: “Yeah, because kidnapping people in the Middle East has certainly forced them to stop bombing us in the past!”
Can you imagine them when they found out he was Canadian?
PFLP 1: “Canadian? SHIT! What do we do now?”
PFLP 2: “Well, we could stop kidnapping people and instead turn our focus to instilling democracy and…
Nan: SLAP! “Say you’re sorry.”
Apparently one of the kidnappers even gave Mr. Budzanowski his phone number before they released him in case he ever needed help with anything. “Say hello to Canada!” Yeah. I’ll get right on that. Moron.
This brings me to another issue; it was brought to my attention this past week that some people on campus hate me because I, and I quote “Hate Americans.” This, first of all, is not true. On the individual level, most Americans I know are great people. My sister and her family, as I’ve said before, are American, and obviously if I ever said I hated all Americans, by association they would be part of that group. Granted, I do hate the government that is now in power in the states, and I hate Dubya as someone who is grossly incompetent, incredibly stupid, and is not exactly the person I would want to leave in charge of a pair of sharp scissors, let alone the largest nuclear arsenal in the world. I realize as well that many people share this sentiment, including a great number of Americans. At the same time, there are also many Canadians that I hate, Kalan Porter, Steve Moore, Theory of a Deadman, Stephen Harper, but I would never even attempt to group all Canadians in to a similar group, and it’s the same thing for Americans. Sure, there are some Americans that I hate, but I am not stupid enough to group all 300 or so million of them into a single homogeneous group. Mr. Dressup was American for God’s sake. In fact, I would guess that I hate at least one person from every country in the world, but most of the 6 billion people on earth aren’t that bad. The ones I’ve met so far anyway.
I think a more accurate thing to say would be that I hate stupidity and incompetence, and I’m sure that we can find plenty of people that fit this description, on both sides of the border: George Bush, Bad Drivers, Paul Allen, Kenny G, Steroid Ben, Lucille Poulin, Ron Popeil, that guy who does those Yoplait commercials, the Ottawa Senators, the KKK, the Burger King king, the 2000 Flushes guy, Richard Simmons, Lou Bega, Jared from Subway, the entire cast of “Touched by an Angel,” the list goes on…
Have a good one!
Sunday, March 05, 2006
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#38)
What the hell are people doing with Christmas decorations still up? It’s March for God’s sake. And I don’t care if you leave your lights on your house all year because you’re a lazy ass, but holy shit, after mid-January maybe you could stop turning them on? I swear, like 75% of the houses on my street still have some sort of decorations on their house. And call it illogical, call it an overreaction, or maybe call it the sign of an impending massive stress-related heart attack, but I actually became physically angry when I saw the number of houses that still had wreaths on their doors. How hard is it to take down a damn wreath? So why have the citizens of Charlottetown become such a bunch of slack asses? Well, if I recall correctly, fifteen years ago the city asked people to leave their lights up to give Charlottetown “a more festive look” for the 1991 Canada Games. Evidently everyone took this as a license to throw as much random shit on their houses as possible, and to leave it up until the 5th of never, or at least until another Juan rips it off their house. That or until I go insane and start going door-to-door and punching people in the face.
Adding to a list of randoms, which include Pierce Brosnan and McIver, Paul McCartney has become the latest celebrity to crawl out on PEI ice floes in the dead of winter to yell at Canadians about seals and hunting and global warming or whatever. Islanders, in typical fashion, reacted by reading The Guardian to hear every detail of what he did, what he bought/ate/said/touched (“Then he went into Roots. Then he bought a sweater. It said ‘Canada’ on it.”), the same thing that happens every time Lucille Poulin or Steroid Ben or Prince What’s-his-face and his wife show up. Of course the average Joe Blow doesn’t give a rat’s ass whether he’s here for the seals or for a drink at the Legion. All they want to know was if their brother’s wife’s cousin’s daughter was working at Cow’s (which is right next to Roots) when he bought the sweater. Through this unique and complex “Oh yeah she’s related to my third cousin’s bus driver” scheme, I am convinced that an Islander has been involved in every major world event since the beginning of time including Noah’s Ark, the French Revolution, and the Kennedy assassination (Lee Harvey Oswald’s mother stayed at Blue Jay Cottages once.)
Following the visit to the Gulf of St. Lawrence, Paul and his wife, Heather, appeared on Larry King Live and faced off against Newfoundland (or New Finland according to Larry) Premier Danny Williams. The problem with that, first of all, is Sir Paul had no idea what the hell he was talking about and looked about as comfortable on TV as he would be during a rectal exam. His loudmouth wife, on the other hand, was far too preoccupied with not shutting up that she didn’t allow any time for oxygen or reasonable thought to make it through her brain. Oh ok, the money the sealers make is inconsequential? Yeah, maybe for you and your husband’s $1.5 billion bank account. What? You think the guys who spend their winters freezing their asses off walking around on the ice killing adorable little seals are just doing it for kicks? By the way, who the hell do you think is buying all these furs? I think you’d be hard-pressed to see anyone in this part of the world who can afford that extravagance, let alone one who would be stupid enough to wear that shit. It’s on the runways of Milan and Paris and London that you find the yield of this hunt, so maybe you should go home and talk to your pop-star friends rather than preach to bunch of Islanders and Newfies who don’t really care what your point is anyway. My favorite part of the whole trip was when dear old Lady McCartney scoffed at Prime Minister Harper because he didn’t meet with them because he had meetings all day. Imagine! Well excuse us. We’re sorry that the Prime Minister of our country doesn’t drop everything he’s doing every time some two-bit celebrity and washed up rocker climbs out on the ice to harass seal pups.
Now I know already that people will be pissed off that I seem to be erring on the side of the seal hunters, but that’s not exactly the case. I am not going to stand here and defend the act of beating the life out of a seal pup, God knows I wouldn’t have the heart for that kind of stuff, but I also think it would be a tad bit inaccurate to suggest that the hunters themselves are having a blast out there and are beating seals for the fun of it. For them, it’s money in the bank and food on the table. I don’t endorse the seal hunt or its methods in the same way that I don’t endorse factory farms or slaughterhouses. My issue is mainly with the celebrities who come from around the world where there are many problems of their own I’m sure they could be solving, yet insist on getting pictures with the cute furry white baby seals (which have been illegal to hunt since the 80’s). If you want to advocate for humane treatment of animals, fine, but I don’t see any of them mucking around pig farms or chicken factory farms bitching about the conditions or about how they kill the animals. Today there are 5.9 million seals out there, almost 3 times the number there was in the 70’s, and that in itself is wreaking havoc on the cod fishery, not to say that that is a justifiable means, but it’s a hell of a lot more compelling than the McCartney’s arguments against the hunt: “Because they’re cute, because it’s mean and the money doesn’t really matter.” Well if the money doesn’t matter, then shell out the $20 million these families need to survive on. That way you can have peace of mind and these hunters can stop spending the dead of winter freezing their asses off. Actually, why even piss on our rug when in Britain, seals are culled on a regular basis to stop them from destroying fishnets. Maybe, try fighting the hunt back home before coming over here and telling us how to run our own country. Ah well. Live and let die.
Well the Olympics are over, and other than Team Canada’s Chokefest on ice, Canada’s Olympic Team, all-in-all, came out in good standing, poised to have the strength to actually win the games in 2010. With the exception of Jeremy Wotherspoon and Chris Pronger, who may as well just not come home, Canada’s athletes kicked a lot of ass and defied the typical Canadian pessimistic expectations. Stephen Harper was so impressed with the athletes in Turin that he released a special statement specifically to the men and women who contributed to Canada’s record medal haul. The official statement read: “Congratulations to Team Canada in Turin.” Wow. No wonder everyone was so keen on getting this brainwave into office. Idiot.
Have a good one!
Adding to a list of randoms, which include Pierce Brosnan and McIver, Paul McCartney has become the latest celebrity to crawl out on PEI ice floes in the dead of winter to yell at Canadians about seals and hunting and global warming or whatever. Islanders, in typical fashion, reacted by reading The Guardian to hear every detail of what he did, what he bought/ate/said/touched (“Then he went into Roots. Then he bought a sweater. It said ‘Canada’ on it.”), the same thing that happens every time Lucille Poulin or Steroid Ben or Prince What’s-his-face and his wife show up. Of course the average Joe Blow doesn’t give a rat’s ass whether he’s here for the seals or for a drink at the Legion. All they want to know was if their brother’s wife’s cousin’s daughter was working at Cow’s (which is right next to Roots) when he bought the sweater. Through this unique and complex “Oh yeah she’s related to my third cousin’s bus driver” scheme, I am convinced that an Islander has been involved in every major world event since the beginning of time including Noah’s Ark, the French Revolution, and the Kennedy assassination (Lee Harvey Oswald’s mother stayed at Blue Jay Cottages once.)
Following the visit to the Gulf of St. Lawrence, Paul and his wife, Heather, appeared on Larry King Live and faced off against Newfoundland (or New Finland according to Larry) Premier Danny Williams. The problem with that, first of all, is Sir Paul had no idea what the hell he was talking about and looked about as comfortable on TV as he would be during a rectal exam. His loudmouth wife, on the other hand, was far too preoccupied with not shutting up that she didn’t allow any time for oxygen or reasonable thought to make it through her brain. Oh ok, the money the sealers make is inconsequential? Yeah, maybe for you and your husband’s $1.5 billion bank account. What? You think the guys who spend their winters freezing their asses off walking around on the ice killing adorable little seals are just doing it for kicks? By the way, who the hell do you think is buying all these furs? I think you’d be hard-pressed to see anyone in this part of the world who can afford that extravagance, let alone one who would be stupid enough to wear that shit. It’s on the runways of Milan and Paris and London that you find the yield of this hunt, so maybe you should go home and talk to your pop-star friends rather than preach to bunch of Islanders and Newfies who don’t really care what your point is anyway. My favorite part of the whole trip was when dear old Lady McCartney scoffed at Prime Minister Harper because he didn’t meet with them because he had meetings all day. Imagine! Well excuse us. We’re sorry that the Prime Minister of our country doesn’t drop everything he’s doing every time some two-bit celebrity and washed up rocker climbs out on the ice to harass seal pups.
Now I know already that people will be pissed off that I seem to be erring on the side of the seal hunters, but that’s not exactly the case. I am not going to stand here and defend the act of beating the life out of a seal pup, God knows I wouldn’t have the heart for that kind of stuff, but I also think it would be a tad bit inaccurate to suggest that the hunters themselves are having a blast out there and are beating seals for the fun of it. For them, it’s money in the bank and food on the table. I don’t endorse the seal hunt or its methods in the same way that I don’t endorse factory farms or slaughterhouses. My issue is mainly with the celebrities who come from around the world where there are many problems of their own I’m sure they could be solving, yet insist on getting pictures with the cute furry white baby seals (which have been illegal to hunt since the 80’s). If you want to advocate for humane treatment of animals, fine, but I don’t see any of them mucking around pig farms or chicken factory farms bitching about the conditions or about how they kill the animals. Today there are 5.9 million seals out there, almost 3 times the number there was in the 70’s, and that in itself is wreaking havoc on the cod fishery, not to say that that is a justifiable means, but it’s a hell of a lot more compelling than the McCartney’s arguments against the hunt: “Because they’re cute, because it’s mean and the money doesn’t really matter.” Well if the money doesn’t matter, then shell out the $20 million these families need to survive on. That way you can have peace of mind and these hunters can stop spending the dead of winter freezing their asses off. Actually, why even piss on our rug when in Britain, seals are culled on a regular basis to stop them from destroying fishnets. Maybe, try fighting the hunt back home before coming over here and telling us how to run our own country. Ah well. Live and let die.
Well the Olympics are over, and other than Team Canada’s Chokefest on ice, Canada’s Olympic Team, all-in-all, came out in good standing, poised to have the strength to actually win the games in 2010. With the exception of Jeremy Wotherspoon and Chris Pronger, who may as well just not come home, Canada’s athletes kicked a lot of ass and defied the typical Canadian pessimistic expectations. Stephen Harper was so impressed with the athletes in Turin that he released a special statement specifically to the men and women who contributed to Canada’s record medal haul. The official statement read: “Congratulations to Team Canada in Turin.” Wow. No wonder everyone was so keen on getting this brainwave into office. Idiot.
Have a good one!
Sunday, February 19, 2006
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#37)
How’s this for a morning line-up with Paul and Anne? Mariah Carey, Ryan Cabrerra, and Kalan Porter. I am not making this up. I don’t even know how the hell Mariah Carey is singing again. Didn’t her record company pay her off with like $8 million a few years ago to never record a CD for them again? Of course this is after she had went clinically insane, but still, her music remains as mediocre as it ever was. She has, however, apparently tried to educate herself in the ways of the world, a marked improvement I must say, and one made most evident by her comments after she had heard that King Hussad of Jordan had died. “I love Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes of our time.” Classic. And for God’s sake Paul, stop incessantly playing Nickelback’s 'Photograph'. Words cannot express my hatred for this song. I mean I’m used to you ruining good songs by playing them every 7 minutes, but this was a bad song to begin with, and if you keep playing it every morning at 9:07, I’m going to have to kick you in the nuts.
Eminem continues to play the role of a cutting edge musician, with his new song 'When I’m Gone'. This is a follow up to his earlier hits, such as the incredibly politically correct 'Christopher Reeve', the grammatically impeccable 'No one’s Iller than Me', and 'Shake That', whose video features naked Olsen Twin puppets, dancing prostitots, and that never-gets-old gag: Eminem puking on Michael Jackson. With linguistic talent second only to that contained in the legendary Chapter I album of The Moffatts, he continues his poetic prose with his newest song, skillfully creating a conversation between his daughter in the audience and himself from the stage:
Daughter: “Mommy’s wrists are bleeding.”
Eminem: “How’d you get to Sweden?”
Honest to God. You can’t just change the setting of the song just so it rhymes with “wrists are bleeding”. With the exception of Lou Bega and Remy Shand, Eminem is perhaps the worst singer in the history of mankind.
Well, perpetual whiner Steve Moore was back in the news again last week. Levying civil charges against Todd Bertuzzi for his infamous hit during a Colorado-Vancouver game. Ok, let’s set aside the fact that Bertuzzi has already been punished by the NHL, the IIHF and by the courts for his hit. Let’s set aside the fact that it happened years ago, the fact that Bertuzzi has said sorry, that the media has ripped his reputation apart and that he’s lost hundreds of thousands of dollars in lost salary because of Moore. Hello! Moore! It’s the Olympics! Bertuzzi is trying to win a gold medal for our country, so whatever problem you have with him, for God’s sake, wait until the games are over just so your selfish lust for an extended 15 minutes of fame doesn’t screw up our chances at defending our country’s legacy. You and your pain-in-ass antics owes us at least that much. Jerkass.
American defenceman Angela Ruggeiro criticized the Canadians Women’s Hockey team for “running up the score” against other teams after a 16-0 rout over the host Italian squad. “There was no need for that. They’re trying to pad their stats,” she said. And you know she’s right, Canada’s team should definitely stop scoring so many goals. Just score one or two and then skate around and toy with the other team for the remaining 40 minutes. In fact, everyone in the Olympics should stop being so damn competitive. It’s not like the point of the games is to do the best you can or to win or anything. If you get too far ahead in speed skating, slow down! You should let the other guy catch up so he doesn’t feel bad about himself. Or if you’re winning the biathlon just fall down once or twice or miss a few shots to even up the field a bit. Or, if you’re American snowboarder Lindsey Jacobellis and are way ahead in a race and you’re a sure bet for the gold medal, show off with a fancy jump, fall on your face, and let the Swiss win. When is the last time you saw an American intentionally slow down or impede their game because a wave of compassion and pity for their competitors swept over them? Never? Yeah that’s what I thought.
To use basketball as an example, you don’t exactly see the American Dream Team trying to ease it up a bit to keep the score close in Summer Olympics. Even against teams like Uruguay, Angola and Lithuania I seem to remember them actually trying to score as many points as possible against their opponents! Imagine! Ruggeiro, just because your country isn’t as good as another does not mean that they have to stop being good and wait for you to catch up. But of course, in their ultimate wisdom, the Americans went out against the Swedes in their next game and to show us Canadians what a great and compassionate team they are, refused to run up the score against Sweden, and, in a remarkable show of self-restraint, lost the game. Good show! Now that’s sportsmanship, keeping the score so close that you actually lose the game.
I’m sure at least some of you are thinking I shouldn’t be such a jerk to the loser Americans, you know, just like everyone else they trained for 4 years to get where they are now, only to see it all swept away by the underdog Swedes. Yeah, that’s too bad. Does anyone remember in Nagano in 1998 when American Sandra Whyte made fun of Danielle Goyette’s father, Henri-Paul, who had died two days before? How about at the last Olympics when American referee Stacey Livingston assessed 11 penalties against Canada, with only 4 against the US? No? Well I do. And how about in Salt Lake City when the Americans had a Canadian flag on the floor of their dressing room? How’s that for Olympic spirit? How’s that for sportsmanship? So do I feel bad for the American squad? No. Not one bit. They are still the same cheating losers they’ve always been.
Oh and Ruggeiro, way to go 0 for 2 in the shoot-out. Loser.
Have a good one!
Eminem continues to play the role of a cutting edge musician, with his new song 'When I’m Gone'. This is a follow up to his earlier hits, such as the incredibly politically correct 'Christopher Reeve', the grammatically impeccable 'No one’s Iller than Me', and 'Shake That', whose video features naked Olsen Twin puppets, dancing prostitots, and that never-gets-old gag: Eminem puking on Michael Jackson. With linguistic talent second only to that contained in the legendary Chapter I album of The Moffatts, he continues his poetic prose with his newest song, skillfully creating a conversation between his daughter in the audience and himself from the stage:
Daughter: “Mommy’s wrists are bleeding.”
Eminem: “How’d you get to Sweden?”
Honest to God. You can’t just change the setting of the song just so it rhymes with “wrists are bleeding”. With the exception of Lou Bega and Remy Shand, Eminem is perhaps the worst singer in the history of mankind.
Well, perpetual whiner Steve Moore was back in the news again last week. Levying civil charges against Todd Bertuzzi for his infamous hit during a Colorado-Vancouver game. Ok, let’s set aside the fact that Bertuzzi has already been punished by the NHL, the IIHF and by the courts for his hit. Let’s set aside the fact that it happened years ago, the fact that Bertuzzi has said sorry, that the media has ripped his reputation apart and that he’s lost hundreds of thousands of dollars in lost salary because of Moore. Hello! Moore! It’s the Olympics! Bertuzzi is trying to win a gold medal for our country, so whatever problem you have with him, for God’s sake, wait until the games are over just so your selfish lust for an extended 15 minutes of fame doesn’t screw up our chances at defending our country’s legacy. You and your pain-in-ass antics owes us at least that much. Jerkass.
American defenceman Angela Ruggeiro criticized the Canadians Women’s Hockey team for “running up the score” against other teams after a 16-0 rout over the host Italian squad. “There was no need for that. They’re trying to pad their stats,” she said. And you know she’s right, Canada’s team should definitely stop scoring so many goals. Just score one or two and then skate around and toy with the other team for the remaining 40 minutes. In fact, everyone in the Olympics should stop being so damn competitive. It’s not like the point of the games is to do the best you can or to win or anything. If you get too far ahead in speed skating, slow down! You should let the other guy catch up so he doesn’t feel bad about himself. Or if you’re winning the biathlon just fall down once or twice or miss a few shots to even up the field a bit. Or, if you’re American snowboarder Lindsey Jacobellis and are way ahead in a race and you’re a sure bet for the gold medal, show off with a fancy jump, fall on your face, and let the Swiss win. When is the last time you saw an American intentionally slow down or impede their game because a wave of compassion and pity for their competitors swept over them? Never? Yeah that’s what I thought.
To use basketball as an example, you don’t exactly see the American Dream Team trying to ease it up a bit to keep the score close in Summer Olympics. Even against teams like Uruguay, Angola and Lithuania I seem to remember them actually trying to score as many points as possible against their opponents! Imagine! Ruggeiro, just because your country isn’t as good as another does not mean that they have to stop being good and wait for you to catch up. But of course, in their ultimate wisdom, the Americans went out against the Swedes in their next game and to show us Canadians what a great and compassionate team they are, refused to run up the score against Sweden, and, in a remarkable show of self-restraint, lost the game. Good show! Now that’s sportsmanship, keeping the score so close that you actually lose the game.
I’m sure at least some of you are thinking I shouldn’t be such a jerk to the loser Americans, you know, just like everyone else they trained for 4 years to get where they are now, only to see it all swept away by the underdog Swedes. Yeah, that’s too bad. Does anyone remember in Nagano in 1998 when American Sandra Whyte made fun of Danielle Goyette’s father, Henri-Paul, who had died two days before? How about at the last Olympics when American referee Stacey Livingston assessed 11 penalties against Canada, with only 4 against the US? No? Well I do. And how about in Salt Lake City when the Americans had a Canadian flag on the floor of their dressing room? How’s that for Olympic spirit? How’s that for sportsmanship? So do I feel bad for the American squad? No. Not one bit. They are still the same cheating losers they’ve always been.
Oh and Ruggeiro, way to go 0 for 2 in the shoot-out. Loser.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#36)
Well the attention of media from across Canada was attracted to UPEI last week as a developing issue on our campus, that could potentially affect every student at our University, caught the nation’s attention. Yes, for the first time in modern memory, UPEI actually closed school for an entire day. Despite this, the world kept turning, and elsewhere in the world other stories grabbed headlines as people got on with their lives following the long-fabled full-day UPEI cancellation. This is a comprehensive recap of other headlines from last week:
1. Headline: Man Killed After Stripping Naked
So apparently some guy, after driving his over the median into on-coming traffic and crashing his truck on the highway in Washington State, flew into a fit of rage, stripped off all his clothes and stood in the middle of the I-90, jumping up and down and waving at passing cars. After several minutes of this, in freezing temperatures no less, the 35-year-old was hit by a pick-up truck and died instantly. What the hell is wrong with people? Has our society devolved to the point whereby ripping off all your clothes and running into traffic is an acceptable expression of anger? Again, I wish the people who run across University Avenue in the middle of traffic and the cars that brake for them would learn from stories like this, but learning from this would of course require you not be a moron in the first place.
2. Headline: U.S. Fires On Car of Canadian Envoy
An American envoy of five armored Humvees opened fire on a Canadian diplomatic vehicle in Baghdad’s Green Zone last week. The US version of the story states that the Canadian vehicle, complete with Canadian flag, refused to stop when they repeatedly waved at it. Feeling threatened, “the American convoy vehicle defended itself by firing a three-round burst” at the front of the vehicle, “away from the passenger area.” The American government has stuck to this story despite the fact that the vehicle was driven by a Canadian soldier who was fully briefed and took a two-week course on the rules of the road in the Green Zone and that the Canadians were only going 20km an hour at the time of the incident. The official statement from the U.S. Military by Lt.-Col. Barry Johnson’s that “Clearly these warning shots weren’t aimed at the occupants,” seems questionable, as it is quite evident that a bullet did indeed pierce the passenger side of the vehicle, given the large bullet-shaped hole in the windshield. In contrast, on CNN, it was reported that unruly Canadians had tried to speed past the convoy. As reported in The Globe and Mail, in the minds of many in the Canadian Foreign Service, this has painted a picture of the U.S. soldiers as “trigger-happy Americans needlessly firing on a well-marked vehicle.” This is the second time in recent months that the conduct of American soldiers has been called into question by foreign diplomats. An Italian diplomat was killed when the vehicle he was driving in was shot at by American soldiers when, according to the U.S. Military investigation, it refused to slow down. What did the Italian investigation deem as the cause? The “stress and inexperience of the soldiers.” Surprise, surprise. While the American government has called the incident “regrettable,” they have not apologized for it. Niiice. Just once, the next time the Americans shoot down an Allied plane or drop bombs on their friends or shoot foreign service officials, I’d like to get Nan go make George say he’s sorry. Just once.
Nan: “Say you’re sorry.”
Bush: “It was regret…SLAP!
Nan: “Say you’re sorry.”
Bush: “We didn’t know that…SLAP!
Nan: “Say you’re sorry.”
3. Headline: Karate Experts to Fight Parrots
Yes, some Ninjas have been hired to fight any parrot that tries to mess up the 140 classic cars that are visiting Mount Cook in New Zealand this week. The 40 or so Karate experts will evidently take-on any Keas Parrot head-to-head if it tries to damage the vehicles with their sharp beaks. This may well be the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my life.
4. Headline: Child Groom of Wife, 37, Runs Away
In this story, an Atlanta-area 15-year-old boy ran away from his grandmother’s house, “without shoes, jacket or money,” just weeks before his 37-year-old wife was due to give birth to their baby. At hearing about his disappearance, the wife was reportedly “surprised and concerned.” Yeah. No shit.
5. Headline: Hussein’s Trial: New Judge, New Concerns
Well the Hussein trial took a bizarre turn last week, as a new judge, the third since the trial began on October 19th, kicked Saddam’s brother-in-law, Barzan al-Tikriti, out of the courtroom for yelling expletives at him. He then kicked out Barzan’s lawyer, and then when the other defence lawyers left in protest, he expelled all of them too. When he tried to appoint a new lawyer for Saddam, Hussein went berserk and had to be physically restrained as he protested this appointment, so the judge kicked him out too. No Saddam, no trial, court adjourned. This describes the events of only the third day that court has actually been in session since the trial began four months ago. Since then, seven people, SEVEN people, have been assassinated for their involvement in the trial. Let me ask one thing. Why the hell are we going through the song and dance of a trial for Saddam Hussein? This is the man that the Americans sought for decades, chasing him out of Kuwait, cleaning up his messes around the Middle East, and wringing their hands in fear about. Finally, old Bush Jr. decided to go in and find the old dictator. After killing tens of thousands of Iraqis in an effort to…well, free them, the Americans found Saddam under some Styrofoam brick. Did they shoot him then and there? Did they bomb the shit out of his hole and chalk him up as “collateral damage” as they did with the other 30,000 Iraqis that were killed in the process of finding that hole? Nope. He, of course, gets a fair trial. Riiight. Should we see if he’s actually guilty before mowing down 30,000 Iraqis to get to him? Guess not. And not only does he get a trial, he gets a farcical rendition of one, like he’s some kind of Middle Eastern Michael Jackson or something. Why? Does anyone think that the judge is going to be like: “Actually, we got the wrong guy. It was some guy in a Saddam suit the whole time. Turns out this Saddam Hussein actually runs a deli in suburban An Nasiriyah and helps bake cookies for the CWL.” CNN News: “…And the former Iraqi dictator has pledged to spend the rest of his life searching for the real Butcher of Baghdad.” No. They’re going to hang this man no matter who comes forward and speaks on his behalf, no matter how many lawyers and judges and witnesses get murdered in the process. And sure, I know we have to stand up for international justice and give him a fair trial and blah, blah, blah. But this isn’t a fair trial to begin with, and all this courtroom madness is doing is making Saddam seem a little more human and a little more like a martyr to the Islamic world. As I’ve said before, wouldn’t it have been a hell of a lot easier for American soldiers to treat Saddam like they did every other Iraqi they killed and just drop a grenade in his little hole? And Ka-boom! Abdullah’s your uncle.
Have a good one!
1. Headline: Man Killed After Stripping Naked
So apparently some guy, after driving his over the median into on-coming traffic and crashing his truck on the highway in Washington State, flew into a fit of rage, stripped off all his clothes and stood in the middle of the I-90, jumping up and down and waving at passing cars. After several minutes of this, in freezing temperatures no less, the 35-year-old was hit by a pick-up truck and died instantly. What the hell is wrong with people? Has our society devolved to the point whereby ripping off all your clothes and running into traffic is an acceptable expression of anger? Again, I wish the people who run across University Avenue in the middle of traffic and the cars that brake for them would learn from stories like this, but learning from this would of course require you not be a moron in the first place.
2. Headline: U.S. Fires On Car of Canadian Envoy
An American envoy of five armored Humvees opened fire on a Canadian diplomatic vehicle in Baghdad’s Green Zone last week. The US version of the story states that the Canadian vehicle, complete with Canadian flag, refused to stop when they repeatedly waved at it. Feeling threatened, “the American convoy vehicle defended itself by firing a three-round burst” at the front of the vehicle, “away from the passenger area.” The American government has stuck to this story despite the fact that the vehicle was driven by a Canadian soldier who was fully briefed and took a two-week course on the rules of the road in the Green Zone and that the Canadians were only going 20km an hour at the time of the incident. The official statement from the U.S. Military by Lt.-Col. Barry Johnson’s that “Clearly these warning shots weren’t aimed at the occupants,” seems questionable, as it is quite evident that a bullet did indeed pierce the passenger side of the vehicle, given the large bullet-shaped hole in the windshield. In contrast, on CNN, it was reported that unruly Canadians had tried to speed past the convoy. As reported in The Globe and Mail, in the minds of many in the Canadian Foreign Service, this has painted a picture of the U.S. soldiers as “trigger-happy Americans needlessly firing on a well-marked vehicle.” This is the second time in recent months that the conduct of American soldiers has been called into question by foreign diplomats. An Italian diplomat was killed when the vehicle he was driving in was shot at by American soldiers when, according to the U.S. Military investigation, it refused to slow down. What did the Italian investigation deem as the cause? The “stress and inexperience of the soldiers.” Surprise, surprise. While the American government has called the incident “regrettable,” they have not apologized for it. Niiice. Just once, the next time the Americans shoot down an Allied plane or drop bombs on their friends or shoot foreign service officials, I’d like to get Nan go make George say he’s sorry. Just once.
Nan: “Say you’re sorry.”
Bush: “It was regret…SLAP!
Nan: “Say you’re sorry.”
Bush: “We didn’t know that…SLAP!
Nan: “Say you’re sorry.”
3. Headline: Karate Experts to Fight Parrots
Yes, some Ninjas have been hired to fight any parrot that tries to mess up the 140 classic cars that are visiting Mount Cook in New Zealand this week. The 40 or so Karate experts will evidently take-on any Keas Parrot head-to-head if it tries to damage the vehicles with their sharp beaks. This may well be the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my life.
4. Headline: Child Groom of Wife, 37, Runs Away
In this story, an Atlanta-area 15-year-old boy ran away from his grandmother’s house, “without shoes, jacket or money,” just weeks before his 37-year-old wife was due to give birth to their baby. At hearing about his disappearance, the wife was reportedly “surprised and concerned.” Yeah. No shit.
5. Headline: Hussein’s Trial: New Judge, New Concerns
Well the Hussein trial took a bizarre turn last week, as a new judge, the third since the trial began on October 19th, kicked Saddam’s brother-in-law, Barzan al-Tikriti, out of the courtroom for yelling expletives at him. He then kicked out Barzan’s lawyer, and then when the other defence lawyers left in protest, he expelled all of them too. When he tried to appoint a new lawyer for Saddam, Hussein went berserk and had to be physically restrained as he protested this appointment, so the judge kicked him out too. No Saddam, no trial, court adjourned. This describes the events of only the third day that court has actually been in session since the trial began four months ago. Since then, seven people, SEVEN people, have been assassinated for their involvement in the trial. Let me ask one thing. Why the hell are we going through the song and dance of a trial for Saddam Hussein? This is the man that the Americans sought for decades, chasing him out of Kuwait, cleaning up his messes around the Middle East, and wringing their hands in fear about. Finally, old Bush Jr. decided to go in and find the old dictator. After killing tens of thousands of Iraqis in an effort to…well, free them, the Americans found Saddam under some Styrofoam brick. Did they shoot him then and there? Did they bomb the shit out of his hole and chalk him up as “collateral damage” as they did with the other 30,000 Iraqis that were killed in the process of finding that hole? Nope. He, of course, gets a fair trial. Riiight. Should we see if he’s actually guilty before mowing down 30,000 Iraqis to get to him? Guess not. And not only does he get a trial, he gets a farcical rendition of one, like he’s some kind of Middle Eastern Michael Jackson or something. Why? Does anyone think that the judge is going to be like: “Actually, we got the wrong guy. It was some guy in a Saddam suit the whole time. Turns out this Saddam Hussein actually runs a deli in suburban An Nasiriyah and helps bake cookies for the CWL.” CNN News: “…And the former Iraqi dictator has pledged to spend the rest of his life searching for the real Butcher of Baghdad.” No. They’re going to hang this man no matter who comes forward and speaks on his behalf, no matter how many lawyers and judges and witnesses get murdered in the process. And sure, I know we have to stand up for international justice and give him a fair trial and blah, blah, blah. But this isn’t a fair trial to begin with, and all this courtroom madness is doing is making Saddam seem a little more human and a little more like a martyr to the Islamic world. As I’ve said before, wouldn’t it have been a hell of a lot easier for American soldiers to treat Saddam like they did every other Iraqi they killed and just drop a grenade in his little hole? And Ka-boom! Abdullah’s your uncle.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
…And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#35)
If there is one thing in the world that pisses me off (and obviously, there are very few things that piss me off), it’s vandalism. This incredible angst just sort of crept up on me last week when I was told that people won’t live in downtown Charlottetown because they are scared of the graffiti down there. Now, admittedly, this is kind of stupid, and anyone who is scared of graffiti should be living in Stanley Bridge or something, but the fact remains that there is a disproportionate amount of graffiti downtown. People somehow find it necessary to scrawl stuff on walls to tell the world what is going on in their head. Why? Because nothing says ‘I love you’ like spray paint on a rock face along the Cobequid Pass? Because you’re Straight-Edge? OoOoOo. That’s special. Oh. You’re anti-establishment? Wonderful. You know what? No one cares. Plus, if you believe in something so strongly, you shouldn’t need the attention of the general public to be validated as a person. You should also possess the common sense to discern how truly useless graffiti is. Some random business guy is not going to walk down Queen Street on lunch and see "Down with the system!" or "Screw ‘The Man’" written on a wall and think "You know what? They are SO right! What a great idea!" and then quit their job and leave their wife and 2.5 kids in suburbia and go live in the woods and become a vegetarian and eat roots all day. So what’s the point? Keep your stupid opinions to yourself and if you want to complain about the world and share your ideas that no one cares about, write an article in a student newspaper or something.
Vandals have been busy all over this city in recent months, ripping cords out of ATM machines here on campus, kicking over gravestones, defacing election posters, trashing statues at churches, etc. etc. Over Christmas people even cut down lights at people’s houses and, in Nova Scotia, someone stole a lot-full of trees that a youth groups was selling for charity. What the hell is wrong with people? Like fine, if you want to rob banks, steal cars, jump off buildings, snort crack-cocaine all day, go ahead, whatever. It’s still damn stupid, but at least you’re getting money or high or adrenaline or some sort of rise out of it. Painting up a wall or kicking over gravestones? Frig right off. I’m generally not a big fan of capital punishment or prison torture, but these are definitely the types of people that we should bring it back for. And Paul Allen.
Speaking of capital punishment, the California government executed another death-row inmate last week. Now, I am not going to criticize the death penalty in the US, hell I’m not even going to point out that capital punishment is largely counter-productive. They’re an independent country, they can make their own laws, and God knows, judging by the number of high-intensity debates we had in Junior High about this issue that it will likely never be resolved anyway. I do, however, sort of balk at the idea of executing a 76-year-old man who is in a wheelchair and legally blind after he waited 23 years on death row. I mean, if the very point of capital punishment is to punish felons and have the families of victims placated, what is the point of having the families of victims wait around for 23 years and meanwhile spending money to keep some guy alive so you can kill him? In September, this old guy, Clarence Ray Allen, nearly died when his heart stopped, but prison officials were like: "Oh no you don’t!", revived him, and put him back in his cell. Niiice. That’s another four months of room and board to pay for, plus health costs for a 76-year-old blind guy in a wheel chair. This is almost as bad as the system that the Americans have set up in Iraq. Remember Abu Gharib prison? Yeah, the one where American soldiers were torturing Iraqi prisoners? Well it was back in the news last week when the Americans decided to make the prison a, and I quote: "highlight [of] the progress toward democratic governance and the rule of law, demonstrating the involvement of Iraq’s government in the effort to provide both security and justice for all Iraqis." Wow. That sounds like a pretty sweet plan. How did they do this? Well by releasing 500 prisoners of course! Were these prisoners found innocent? Nope. Had they served their full-term? Heck no! They just opened the gates and off they went. The prisoners who were released, 500 of a full 1300 releasees in an apparent American ‘catch & release’ program, were asked to renounce violence and to pledge to be "good citizens" in the new "democratic Iraq".
Guard: "Do you promise not to do anything BAD?"
(Prisoner nods head)
Guard: Now Abdul, are you SURE you won’t do anything bad again?"
(Prisoner shrugs)
Guard: (chuckles) "Oh ya little kidder. Get outta here."
I don’t know, it just seems a bit contradictory to me. People being imprisoned without charge? Executing seniors? Prisoners who, in any other situation would be referred to as potential terrorists, being spontaneously set free? Riiight.
So some idiot sent me an email the other day telling me that MSN is shutting down for good (they’re serious this time!) and that I had better damnwell send it to my entire contact list unless I wanted to be screwed royally. Here, word-for-word, is that email:
Hey it is Andy and john the directors of MSN, sorry for the interruption but msn is closing down. this is because too many inconsiderate people are taking up all the name (eg making up lots of different accounts for just one person), we only have 578 names left. If you would like to close your account, DO NOT SEND THIS MESSAGE ON. If you would like to keep your account, then SEND THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE ON YOUR CONTACT LIST. This is no joke, we will be shutting down the servers. Send it on, thanks. WHO EVER DOES NOT SEND THIS MESSEAGE, YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE CLOSED AND YOU WILL COST 10.00 A MONTH TO USE. SEND THIS TO EVERYONE ON YOUR CONTACT LIST. NOW YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO. PLEASE DO NOT FORWARD THIS or REPLAY. COPY THE WHOLE EMAIL. GO BACK TO YOUR INBOX AND CLICK ON NEW. AND PASTE
THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION
I am dead serious. Someone actually sent me this in fear of losing their MSN privileges. Listen there Andy and John, you idiots. Even if you are real people, do you think that people are going to believe that the entire MSN system is left in the hands of two dumbasses who can’t even spell words like ‘message’ and ‘reply’ and who don’t even have a simple grasp of the mechanics of the English language? Who the hell takes the time in their day to write this shit? There is absolutely no gratification to this, unless you’re the type of person that gets a rise out of having gullible idiots are sending this message on in perpetuity. Newsflash! You know those emails about some kid in Bolivia who got trampled by a herd of sheep and needs a billion dollars cash by this tomorrow or he’s done for? Yeah, didn’t happen. I mean I am impressed with the imaginative bullshit these people come up with, but even if there was some truth to any of these stories, sending an email to your contact list isn’t going to do a damn thing for them. It’s not going to propagate a miracle, it’s not going to force the Bolivian government to invest in Health Care or in better sheep fencing, and Bill Gates sure as hell is not going to give the kid a buck everytime some moron sends the email. Never mind that there is no accurate way of keeping track of how many times the email gets sent, it is just, plain and simple, a stupid idea.
Has anyone watched Family Feud in the past 7 or 8 years? That is the most obnoxious and seizure-inducing half-hour on television. It’s even worse than that stupid King Cole Cup of Cash draw. Are these people on crack? No matter what stupid answers these jerks come out with, the whole bunch of them go completely berserk, clapping their hands and shrieking. It’s like Tourette’s Syndrome on speed. "GOOD ANSWER! GOOD ANSWER!!!" No. No it wasn’t. You didn’t get shit. Shut the hell up. Where do they get these people? Unit 9? Utah? The Church of Scientology? And who the hell hired Al Borland as host? Yes, the infamous Richard Karn has replaced the massive Louie Anderson, a man whose voice could stun and kill a deaf ox at 50 yards, as host. Of course Karn isn’t much of an improvement. I think his only qualification was the fact that he was also a fat aging white guy. If my grandmother didn’t enjoy the show so much, I think I’d have to fly down to L.A. and punch Karn in the face. Him and the Golden Girls. And listen Dick; it’s SUR-vey, not SHUR-vey. Moron.
And finally, election time has come and gone in Canada once again. Well yippee-ay-oh-kay-eh. I am writing this before most people have cast their ballots, so obviously I can’t say for definite sure who our Prime Minister is as you are reading this, but my guess, judging by the "shoot ourselves in the face" campaign strategy of the Liberals, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that good old Stephen Harper is at the helm. And not that this scares me all that much, per se, it’s just that his stupidity during the campaign kinda weirded me out a bit. We need to give seniors tons of money because "seniors fought for us in two world wars for us…" Well Stevie, this is partly true, but seeing as there are only four guys alive in Canada that were actually enrolled in the military during World War I, I wouldn’t try to go ride that World War I wave too much. Sigh.
Have a good one!
Vandals have been busy all over this city in recent months, ripping cords out of ATM machines here on campus, kicking over gravestones, defacing election posters, trashing statues at churches, etc. etc. Over Christmas people even cut down lights at people’s houses and, in Nova Scotia, someone stole a lot-full of trees that a youth groups was selling for charity. What the hell is wrong with people? Like fine, if you want to rob banks, steal cars, jump off buildings, snort crack-cocaine all day, go ahead, whatever. It’s still damn stupid, but at least you’re getting money or high or adrenaline or some sort of rise out of it. Painting up a wall or kicking over gravestones? Frig right off. I’m generally not a big fan of capital punishment or prison torture, but these are definitely the types of people that we should bring it back for. And Paul Allen.
Speaking of capital punishment, the California government executed another death-row inmate last week. Now, I am not going to criticize the death penalty in the US, hell I’m not even going to point out that capital punishment is largely counter-productive. They’re an independent country, they can make their own laws, and God knows, judging by the number of high-intensity debates we had in Junior High about this issue that it will likely never be resolved anyway. I do, however, sort of balk at the idea of executing a 76-year-old man who is in a wheelchair and legally blind after he waited 23 years on death row. I mean, if the very point of capital punishment is to punish felons and have the families of victims placated, what is the point of having the families of victims wait around for 23 years and meanwhile spending money to keep some guy alive so you can kill him? In September, this old guy, Clarence Ray Allen, nearly died when his heart stopped, but prison officials were like: "Oh no you don’t!", revived him, and put him back in his cell. Niiice. That’s another four months of room and board to pay for, plus health costs for a 76-year-old blind guy in a wheel chair. This is almost as bad as the system that the Americans have set up in Iraq. Remember Abu Gharib prison? Yeah, the one where American soldiers were torturing Iraqi prisoners? Well it was back in the news last week when the Americans decided to make the prison a, and I quote: "highlight [of] the progress toward democratic governance and the rule of law, demonstrating the involvement of Iraq’s government in the effort to provide both security and justice for all Iraqis." Wow. That sounds like a pretty sweet plan. How did they do this? Well by releasing 500 prisoners of course! Were these prisoners found innocent? Nope. Had they served their full-term? Heck no! They just opened the gates and off they went. The prisoners who were released, 500 of a full 1300 releasees in an apparent American ‘catch & release’ program, were asked to renounce violence and to pledge to be "good citizens" in the new "democratic Iraq".
Guard: "Do you promise not to do anything BAD?"
(Prisoner nods head)
Guard: Now Abdul, are you SURE you won’t do anything bad again?"
(Prisoner shrugs)
Guard: (chuckles) "Oh ya little kidder. Get outta here."
I don’t know, it just seems a bit contradictory to me. People being imprisoned without charge? Executing seniors? Prisoners who, in any other situation would be referred to as potential terrorists, being spontaneously set free? Riiight.
So some idiot sent me an email the other day telling me that MSN is shutting down for good (they’re serious this time!) and that I had better damnwell send it to my entire contact list unless I wanted to be screwed royally. Here, word-for-word, is that email:
Hey it is Andy and john the directors of MSN, sorry for the interruption but msn is closing down. this is because too many inconsiderate people are taking up all the name (eg making up lots of different accounts for just one person), we only have 578 names left. If you would like to close your account, DO NOT SEND THIS MESSAGE ON. If you would like to keep your account, then SEND THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE ON YOUR CONTACT LIST. This is no joke, we will be shutting down the servers. Send it on, thanks. WHO EVER DOES NOT SEND THIS MESSEAGE, YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE CLOSED AND YOU WILL COST 10.00 A MONTH TO USE. SEND THIS TO EVERYONE ON YOUR CONTACT LIST. NOW YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO. PLEASE DO NOT FORWARD THIS or REPLAY. COPY THE WHOLE EMAIL. GO BACK TO YOUR INBOX AND CLICK ON NEW. AND PASTE
THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION
I am dead serious. Someone actually sent me this in fear of losing their MSN privileges. Listen there Andy and John, you idiots. Even if you are real people, do you think that people are going to believe that the entire MSN system is left in the hands of two dumbasses who can’t even spell words like ‘message’ and ‘reply’ and who don’t even have a simple grasp of the mechanics of the English language? Who the hell takes the time in their day to write this shit? There is absolutely no gratification to this, unless you’re the type of person that gets a rise out of having gullible idiots are sending this message on in perpetuity. Newsflash! You know those emails about some kid in Bolivia who got trampled by a herd of sheep and needs a billion dollars cash by this tomorrow or he’s done for? Yeah, didn’t happen. I mean I am impressed with the imaginative bullshit these people come up with, but even if there was some truth to any of these stories, sending an email to your contact list isn’t going to do a damn thing for them. It’s not going to propagate a miracle, it’s not going to force the Bolivian government to invest in Health Care or in better sheep fencing, and Bill Gates sure as hell is not going to give the kid a buck everytime some moron sends the email. Never mind that there is no accurate way of keeping track of how many times the email gets sent, it is just, plain and simple, a stupid idea.
Has anyone watched Family Feud in the past 7 or 8 years? That is the most obnoxious and seizure-inducing half-hour on television. It’s even worse than that stupid King Cole Cup of Cash draw. Are these people on crack? No matter what stupid answers these jerks come out with, the whole bunch of them go completely berserk, clapping their hands and shrieking. It’s like Tourette’s Syndrome on speed. "GOOD ANSWER! GOOD ANSWER!!!" No. No it wasn’t. You didn’t get shit. Shut the hell up. Where do they get these people? Unit 9? Utah? The Church of Scientology? And who the hell hired Al Borland as host? Yes, the infamous Richard Karn has replaced the massive Louie Anderson, a man whose voice could stun and kill a deaf ox at 50 yards, as host. Of course Karn isn’t much of an improvement. I think his only qualification was the fact that he was also a fat aging white guy. If my grandmother didn’t enjoy the show so much, I think I’d have to fly down to L.A. and punch Karn in the face. Him and the Golden Girls. And listen Dick; it’s SUR-vey, not SHUR-vey. Moron.
And finally, election time has come and gone in Canada once again. Well yippee-ay-oh-kay-eh. I am writing this before most people have cast their ballots, so obviously I can’t say for definite sure who our Prime Minister is as you are reading this, but my guess, judging by the "shoot ourselves in the face" campaign strategy of the Liberals, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that good old Stephen Harper is at the helm. And not that this scares me all that much, per se, it’s just that his stupidity during the campaign kinda weirded me out a bit. We need to give seniors tons of money because "seniors fought for us in two world wars for us…" Well Stevie, this is partly true, but seeing as there are only four guys alive in Canada that were actually enrolled in the military during World War I, I wouldn’t try to go ride that World War I wave too much. Sigh.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#34)
Well, the New Year came in with a bang this year, particularly for those of you who happen to live in the general area surrounding Brown’s Court and Queen Street. For anyone who was not present that evening, I think a friend of mine described it best when he said “Oh my God. Brown’s Court is like Rwanda!” This was almost entirely true, except for the fact that Rwanda is not filled with drunken idiots. Yes, the large hordes of youth who chose to ring in the New Year by hanging around Brown’s clearly drank responsibly, as indicated by the hundreds of broken beer bottles on the ground the next morning, and to act in a civilized and mature manner, insomuch as ripping the door off building 17, throwing a mattress in the hallway and somehow causing a ceiling leak can be considered as mature and responsible behavior. As always, the wonderful long arm of the law, personified by the elite Charlottetown Police Department, acted valiantly in controlling the situation as the officers in the sole squad car on the scene opted to stay in their car and do absolutely nothing. Wonderful.
Christmastime on PEI was once again a joyous occasion, a time for love and joy and trees and turkeys and for relatives to tell you how bad they had it when they were kids. I heard some Baby-Boomer going on about it the week before Christmas: “Kids today get the Gameboys and the iPods and those cell phones. We only got oranges and socks. And we were damn happy to get it.” Well aren’t you all just paragons of virtue and unfettered selflessness? How can my generation ever possibly meet the impossibly high standards of your oh-so-wonderful and possibly greatest generation of all time? Give it a rest. We don’t care about your damn oranges. It sort of loses its’ quaintness after you whine about it for 40 or 50 years. Hey, at least you didn’t have to fight and die for your own freedom like the two generations did before you. And at least your parent’s generation didn’t totally screw you over by depleting pension plans and social programs to the point that there was no money left by the time you got to retiring age even though you had to pay for it through the nose for your entire career like we’re going to have to do. Phht. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Other than whining, the other great Canadian Christmas tradition continued this year. The World Juniors, were held in Vancouver, as Canada beat the snot out of every team they faced, with only 6 goals scored against them.
Of course all of this could not have been done without the gracious aid of the American coaching staff, who, when tied with Canada late in the third thought “I know! We can pull our goalie!” Uh huh. Good one. Canada of course scored an empty netter, clinching first place and a bye to the semis. Even though the US needed the win, it was still probably the stupidest move in modern sport as a) their goalie was by far the best US player on the ice, and b) they were playing Canada, the World Cup, Olympic, and World Junior Champions, who, believe it or not, are pretty good at scoring on a net that has no goalie in it. No wait, I take that back. The stupidest move in sports was during last year’s semi final in the World Juniors, when the US was losing 4-2 to Russia, and, (surprise, surprise) pulled their goalie. Russia scored two empty-netters, and then after the Americans had the sense to put him back in, the Russians scored on the powerplay with one second left. Final score: USA 2 - Russia 7. God Bless America.
This year’s series culminated in a 5-0 Canadian win over the Soviets, who before the game predicted that mother Russia would “dominate” Canada. Riiight. The Russians were pretty peeved that a goal they scored went uncalled because no one saw it, with their coach arguing that they would’ve probably won had it been called. Um no. Then it would’ve been 5-1. Idiots. Some people felt that Russia was cheated in the non-call and that it could’ve changed the game, but for myself, I consider it payback for the 2003 Gold Medal game that we lost, where the Russian netminder hit the net off its moorings with 10 seconds to go in the game, a move that should have resulted in a penalty shot for Canada. Of course the Russians and Canadians put this all behind them, shook hands after the game, and drank Smirnoff and beer late into the night while making fun of the goalie pull-happy Americans.
Well I was informed after my last rant that some people were offended by my attack on the efforts of the Charlottetown Transit busses to decorate for the holidays. In that article I commented that the trolley-busses looked ridiculous by saying, and I quote “Ding ding! Here comes the shit-mobile.” Well, I am sorry for anyone that offended, but that is exactly what the bus looked like. I was not attempting any sort of attack on the bus system as a whole, indeed I am well aware that Charlottetown needs a transit system, I know the schedule is getting better, and that more and more people are using it. Hell, I wasn’t even all that pissed off when the first time I tried to get on the bus that it drove right past me. Jerks. My question is more me wanting to know why the hell we had to get busses that look like trolleys. For once, could we please just get something normal? Not something named after Anne or Confederation or potatoes or any of that nonsense, nothing to do with history or heritage or tradition: just normal damn busses. It would be more environmentally friendly, they wouldn’t have to use pine benches for god’s sake, and we could actually ride them with a bit of dignity. For some reason, one model that has been decided on for our fair city is one that is supposed to look like trolleys from 1608. What in the hell? 1608? This has absolutely no historical basis in Charlottetown. First of all, I’m pretty sure we didn’t have a mass transit system in 1608, seeing as our first transit system was developed in, yes, you guessed it, 2005. Secondly 1608 is about the same time that Samuel Champlain founded a little village called Quebec, while Black Plague and scurvy is still killing off the Brits, and John Smith is getting his ass saved by Pocahontas. Seeing as nothing was established anywhere near Charlottetown for another 111 years, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say we didn’t have a fleet of trolleys messing about the forest in 1608. Maybe a few Co-op cabs, but that’s about it.
Have a good one!
Christmastime on PEI was once again a joyous occasion, a time for love and joy and trees and turkeys and for relatives to tell you how bad they had it when they were kids. I heard some Baby-Boomer going on about it the week before Christmas: “Kids today get the Gameboys and the iPods and those cell phones. We only got oranges and socks. And we were damn happy to get it.” Well aren’t you all just paragons of virtue and unfettered selflessness? How can my generation ever possibly meet the impossibly high standards of your oh-so-wonderful and possibly greatest generation of all time? Give it a rest. We don’t care about your damn oranges. It sort of loses its’ quaintness after you whine about it for 40 or 50 years. Hey, at least you didn’t have to fight and die for your own freedom like the two generations did before you. And at least your parent’s generation didn’t totally screw you over by depleting pension plans and social programs to the point that there was no money left by the time you got to retiring age even though you had to pay for it through the nose for your entire career like we’re going to have to do. Phht. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Other than whining, the other great Canadian Christmas tradition continued this year. The World Juniors, were held in Vancouver, as Canada beat the snot out of every team they faced, with only 6 goals scored against them.
Of course all of this could not have been done without the gracious aid of the American coaching staff, who, when tied with Canada late in the third thought “I know! We can pull our goalie!” Uh huh. Good one. Canada of course scored an empty netter, clinching first place and a bye to the semis. Even though the US needed the win, it was still probably the stupidest move in modern sport as a) their goalie was by far the best US player on the ice, and b) they were playing Canada, the World Cup, Olympic, and World Junior Champions, who, believe it or not, are pretty good at scoring on a net that has no goalie in it. No wait, I take that back. The stupidest move in sports was during last year’s semi final in the World Juniors, when the US was losing 4-2 to Russia, and, (surprise, surprise) pulled their goalie. Russia scored two empty-netters, and then after the Americans had the sense to put him back in, the Russians scored on the powerplay with one second left. Final score: USA 2 - Russia 7. God Bless America.
This year’s series culminated in a 5-0 Canadian win over the Soviets, who before the game predicted that mother Russia would “dominate” Canada. Riiight. The Russians were pretty peeved that a goal they scored went uncalled because no one saw it, with their coach arguing that they would’ve probably won had it been called. Um no. Then it would’ve been 5-1. Idiots. Some people felt that Russia was cheated in the non-call and that it could’ve changed the game, but for myself, I consider it payback for the 2003 Gold Medal game that we lost, where the Russian netminder hit the net off its moorings with 10 seconds to go in the game, a move that should have resulted in a penalty shot for Canada. Of course the Russians and Canadians put this all behind them, shook hands after the game, and drank Smirnoff and beer late into the night while making fun of the goalie pull-happy Americans.
Well I was informed after my last rant that some people were offended by my attack on the efforts of the Charlottetown Transit busses to decorate for the holidays. In that article I commented that the trolley-busses looked ridiculous by saying, and I quote “Ding ding! Here comes the shit-mobile.” Well, I am sorry for anyone that offended, but that is exactly what the bus looked like. I was not attempting any sort of attack on the bus system as a whole, indeed I am well aware that Charlottetown needs a transit system, I know the schedule is getting better, and that more and more people are using it. Hell, I wasn’t even all that pissed off when the first time I tried to get on the bus that it drove right past me. Jerks. My question is more me wanting to know why the hell we had to get busses that look like trolleys. For once, could we please just get something normal? Not something named after Anne or Confederation or potatoes or any of that nonsense, nothing to do with history or heritage or tradition: just normal damn busses. It would be more environmentally friendly, they wouldn’t have to use pine benches for god’s sake, and we could actually ride them with a bit of dignity. For some reason, one model that has been decided on for our fair city is one that is supposed to look like trolleys from 1608. What in the hell? 1608? This has absolutely no historical basis in Charlottetown. First of all, I’m pretty sure we didn’t have a mass transit system in 1608, seeing as our first transit system was developed in, yes, you guessed it, 2005. Secondly 1608 is about the same time that Samuel Champlain founded a little village called Quebec, while Black Plague and scurvy is still killing off the Brits, and John Smith is getting his ass saved by Pocahontas. Seeing as nothing was established anywhere near Charlottetown for another 111 years, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say we didn’t have a fleet of trolleys messing about the forest in 1608. Maybe a few Co-op cabs, but that’s about it.
Have a good one!
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