Ah yes. Christmas season on PEI. Snow is in the air, our anally retentive Province has opened the doors for shopping on Sunday, and our beautiful trolley-busses are sporting festive holidays boughs. Ding-ding! All aboard the shit-mobile! Meanwhile, amidst our piles of final assignments and exams and papers and labs, us students are left to ponder how big of an explosion we would have to concoct before they cancelled the remainder of classes and delayed exams for 30 or 40 years. There’s a somewhat joyous concept to consider over the festive season. By the way, just for curiosity’s sake, how damn long does it take to build a friggin Nutri-Science Building anyway? Like holy slack-ass construction Batman!
Well, on Monday Islanders had their chance to vote for a system of Proportional Representation. Did they go for it? Well, It’s Sunday evening, so my opinion is purely speculative, but my guess is: No. Part of the reason for this is because no one knows what the hell is going on, another being that old Patty Binns, a man with the foresight of a carrot, raised the bar of democracy to 60%, presumably to protect us poor voters from being represented by any party other than his own. Of course he doesn’t even have to do a damn thing if it passes anyway. But the main reason it didn’t pass, of course, is because Islanders just don’t like change. “Well yeah, no shit Ryan.” That’s why no one knows how to sort their garbage yet and why we didn’t get a 911 system until 2000. Islanders cherish their backwards and antiquated voting process: you go to the polls, you cast your ballot, your get your pint of rum and you go home. This opinion has been enunciated clearly in the letters to the editor in The Guardian over the past few weeks. These morons would have you believe that the proposed system is equivalent to that of Communist China, which is like comparing my 89-year-old grandmother to 50 Cent. Mind you, the proposed system was likely the stupidest version of Proportional Representation I have ever seen, but the fact remains that somewhere along the line we are going to need electoral change here on PEI. For example, while the rest of the country is going nuts about the Sponsorship Scandal, freaking out that the Liberals gave money and jobs to their friends, Islanders are sitting around thinking: “Yeah...on PEI, that’s called good politics.” Still, some argue that Political Patronage is a thing of the past here on the Island. Oh sure. And if you believe that I have a Little Christo’s Factory and some Polar Food stock to sell you. I’m sure it’s not coincidence that after Catherine Callbeck won a landslide in 1993 that my road was paved for the first time since 1961, nor is it by mere happenstance that every damn mailbox on our road has been blown to shit by Conservative plow operators since Binns took over in ‘96. Binnsy, by the way, has decided to stick around to run in the next Provincial election. Well good. I was wondering who was going to continue funding ridiculous business ventures and driving our economy into the ground. Ahwell. In the era of the quasi-democratic 60%+1, you get what you ask for. Or at least what Binns tells you to ask for.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#32)
Well, good old Air Canada has decided to discontinue serving complimentary snacks on their flights. Fine! Keep your damn sesame snacks. It’s not enough that we have to pay $200 to get off this damn island on those Dash 8 Puddle Jumpers, (which, by the way, are not the best plane to fly, take-off, or land in, during rain, wind, snow, or basically in any flight that the plane has to actually leave the ground) but now I get to starve in-flight too. This whole flying experience pisses me off. It doesn’t make it any better that flight attendants talk to me as if I was a 3 year old with ADD and smiles, while her eyes suggest that they would much rather stab me with a fork than get me another water. And when flights are over, no one ever seems to be in any kind of rush to get off the damn plane. Suddenly seemingly simple tasks, such as picking up a briefcase and walking, take the average air traveler upwards of 4 and a half months. (The wait was so long on a recent flight that a friend and I took the time to compose an entire song entitled “Pick up your shit, and get off the plane.”) Of course, I guess it’s not only Air Canada that has recently “sucked ass” in its customer service. CanJet, in addition to allowing 3.4 square inches for legroom, also provides perhaps the most unprofessional flight crews in the industry and aircraft that are about as comfortable as a refurbished Soviet bomber.
The al-Qaeda came out last week to justify bombings last summer (which is stupid to try to justify to your average mentally sane person in the first place) by telling the world that one of the most severe enemies of Islam is, you guessed it, Queen Elizabeth II. Yes, Osama has apparently fingered Queen Elizabeth as one of the “severest enemies of Islam.” Yep. An 80 year old woman is a “severe threat” to the entire Islamic community. I think I speak for everyone when I say: “You are out of your mind.” What the hell has she done to Islam? I’m pretty sure all she does is drive around and wave at people. The Queen is about as much of a threat to Islam as Lamb Chops is. And she’s dead.
Yay! Ricky Martin is back! Wonderful. Does anyone else give a crap? I thought we were done of this nonsense. And the ridiculously obnoxious pop/dance is really improved by the incredibly imaginative lyrics of this genius: “Shake your bon-bon, Shake your bon-bon, Shake your bon-bon, Up in the Himalayas, C’mon I wanna lay ya.” The complex videos with that moronic hack Enrique macking it up with famous teenage girls are pretty classy too. “You can run, you can hide but you can't escape my love”? Stalker much? Real healthy there freakshow. Frig off.
Canadians came out and celebrated Remembrance Day this past week in honour of veterans who have fought for our country in conflicts around the world. I am always touched by the thunderous applause for the increasingly aging and increasing small number of veterans as they march through Charlottetown. Sadly, this year also marked the first time that there were no World War I veterans at Ottawa’s Remembrance Day ceremonies. Not only is this a shocking reality check to see that the young men who fought and won at Vimy and Passchendaele and the Somme are all but gone, but it is also a compelling reminder of why it is important for us to remember those heroes who gave much of themselves for us.
Apparently, however, some people are dumbasses about the whole Remembrance Day thing. Myron’s, as a shining example for ethical businesses everywhere, deemed it tasteful to erect a display in their window complete with GI Joe action figures in US Marines combat gear and with Desert Storm camo. One of the figures was in police riot gear. What the hell is he supposed to represent? The Souris Wharf conflict? I’m sorry, I know people think that it’s the thought that counts and all that crap, but I take the remembrance of fallen Canadians very seriously, and I don’t think it is something to be taken lightly or to make fun of. Veterans didn’t fight and die for their contribution to our country to be trivialized and no one has the right to disrespect their honour.
Lest we forget.
Have a good one!
The al-Qaeda came out last week to justify bombings last summer (which is stupid to try to justify to your average mentally sane person in the first place) by telling the world that one of the most severe enemies of Islam is, you guessed it, Queen Elizabeth II. Yes, Osama has apparently fingered Queen Elizabeth as one of the “severest enemies of Islam.” Yep. An 80 year old woman is a “severe threat” to the entire Islamic community. I think I speak for everyone when I say: “You are out of your mind.” What the hell has she done to Islam? I’m pretty sure all she does is drive around and wave at people. The Queen is about as much of a threat to Islam as Lamb Chops is. And she’s dead.
Yay! Ricky Martin is back! Wonderful. Does anyone else give a crap? I thought we were done of this nonsense. And the ridiculously obnoxious pop/dance is really improved by the incredibly imaginative lyrics of this genius: “Shake your bon-bon, Shake your bon-bon, Shake your bon-bon, Up in the Himalayas, C’mon I wanna lay ya.” The complex videos with that moronic hack Enrique macking it up with famous teenage girls are pretty classy too. “You can run, you can hide but you can't escape my love”? Stalker much? Real healthy there freakshow. Frig off.
Canadians came out and celebrated Remembrance Day this past week in honour of veterans who have fought for our country in conflicts around the world. I am always touched by the thunderous applause for the increasingly aging and increasing small number of veterans as they march through Charlottetown. Sadly, this year also marked the first time that there were no World War I veterans at Ottawa’s Remembrance Day ceremonies. Not only is this a shocking reality check to see that the young men who fought and won at Vimy and Passchendaele and the Somme are all but gone, but it is also a compelling reminder of why it is important for us to remember those heroes who gave much of themselves for us.
Apparently, however, some people are dumbasses about the whole Remembrance Day thing. Myron’s, as a shining example for ethical businesses everywhere, deemed it tasteful to erect a display in their window complete with GI Joe action figures in US Marines combat gear and with Desert Storm camo. One of the figures was in police riot gear. What the hell is he supposed to represent? The Souris Wharf conflict? I’m sorry, I know people think that it’s the thought that counts and all that crap, but I take the remembrance of fallen Canadians very seriously, and I don’t think it is something to be taken lightly or to make fun of. Veterans didn’t fight and die for their contribution to our country to be trivialized and no one has the right to disrespect their honour.
Lest we forget.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#31)
Well, it’s that time of the school year again, when midterms finish and finals appear as an impending, yet distant nightmare, and students turn from their studies to what they do best: drinking and making idiots of themselves. There is no better example of this than the behavior at last Friday’s Halloween Pub at The Wave. Among the sell-out crowd was Carlton Banks of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Body Break’s Hal Johnson and JoAnne McLeod, a disproportionate number of bumblebees and bowling pins, and at least two Shaun Coadys. Other than the Ron Burgundy wannabe who I saw throwing up quite violently, fun was had by all. I think the festive mood was best described by one student who, in the crowd, cheerily told Sponge Bob Square Pants “If you push me one more time I am going to smash in your face.” Nice.
The Guardian conducted a Web Poll last week asking Islanders if they thought a roundabout traffic circle or a ‘T’ intersection with traffic lights should be constructed at the Peter Pan intersection. Come on now. Installing a traffic circle anywhere in Charlottetown is like jumping off Robertson Library into snow banks, fun to watch, but also very very stupid. A traffic circle would cause many accidents, and within half a week would end up killing, by my estimates, everyone on PEI. You see, conducting a motor vehicle on a traffic circle requires that the driver a) has at least marginal motor vehicle operating capabilities, b) can merge with traffic, and c) uses a signal light, all of which Islanders have consistently indicated they are grossly incapable of. Having said that I’m sure everyone is just tickled pink with the idea of installing a tenth set of lights on University Avenue, but thankfully, a compelling solution dealing with this very problem was brought up in The Guardian just a few weeks ago. Some genius wrote in to tell Islanders that we should try to save energy by removing a bunch of stop signs from intersections around Charlottetown. That’s awesome! This is easily the smartest thing I have heard in years. We just rip up some stop signs and maybe some traffic lights downtown and suddenly no one has to stop anymore. I’m not exactly clear on how removing traffic controls is supposed to save energy, but who cares?
Gilles Duceppe of the Bloc Québéçois told the world last week that he thinks Québec should have its own army and spy service if it separates from Canada. “Do we need nuclear submarines? We say no. Maybe multifunctional boats to transport troops.” Multifunctional boats? Whoa. Critics agree that this proposed Québec military already sounds better than Canada’s current force. Duceppe continued to say that the Québec Army would be able to take over existing Canadian Forces bases. Hold the phone there Gilles. So, you’ll secede completely from Canada and be totally autonomous, except you want to still use the Canadian Dollar, Canadian Passports, and use our old Army Bases? Uh, can’t see it. If you leave, you’re gone. You don’t get our money or passports or NAFTA or our old Sea Kings. OK, maybe you can have the Sea Kings. A Québec Spy Service though? I can’t see that being all that successful. In my experience with Québec tourists they do not integrate all that well with local populations. Sure, many of them can speak impeccable English, and I’m sure spies could be trained to adopt local customs, but there’s something about the way they look at non-Quebeckers as if we bathe in our own feces that would blow their cover. Although Duceppe argued that a Québec Army would have no trouble recruiting, I again would have to disagree. Québec has lost every major war it has ever fought in, and ever since has bitched about joining with Canada in any international conflict, World War I, World War II, etc. It is worth noting that the Québecois are descendants of the French, and as was once said about their ancestors, “Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion,” is much the same for them. Check you stats Duceppe. I’ll bet your sovereigntists would be much happier sitting at home smoking cigarettes and complaining about Canada than running around spying on their cultural inferiors.
And finally the Notorious BIG released a song last week with some of his best rapper buddies and apparently is not at all discouraged by the fact that he still dead.
Have a good one!
The Guardian conducted a Web Poll last week asking Islanders if they thought a roundabout traffic circle or a ‘T’ intersection with traffic lights should be constructed at the Peter Pan intersection. Come on now. Installing a traffic circle anywhere in Charlottetown is like jumping off Robertson Library into snow banks, fun to watch, but also very very stupid. A traffic circle would cause many accidents, and within half a week would end up killing, by my estimates, everyone on PEI. You see, conducting a motor vehicle on a traffic circle requires that the driver a) has at least marginal motor vehicle operating capabilities, b) can merge with traffic, and c) uses a signal light, all of which Islanders have consistently indicated they are grossly incapable of. Having said that I’m sure everyone is just tickled pink with the idea of installing a tenth set of lights on University Avenue, but thankfully, a compelling solution dealing with this very problem was brought up in The Guardian just a few weeks ago. Some genius wrote in to tell Islanders that we should try to save energy by removing a bunch of stop signs from intersections around Charlottetown. That’s awesome! This is easily the smartest thing I have heard in years. We just rip up some stop signs and maybe some traffic lights downtown and suddenly no one has to stop anymore. I’m not exactly clear on how removing traffic controls is supposed to save energy, but who cares?
Gilles Duceppe of the Bloc Québéçois told the world last week that he thinks Québec should have its own army and spy service if it separates from Canada. “Do we need nuclear submarines? We say no. Maybe multifunctional boats to transport troops.” Multifunctional boats? Whoa. Critics agree that this proposed Québec military already sounds better than Canada’s current force. Duceppe continued to say that the Québec Army would be able to take over existing Canadian Forces bases. Hold the phone there Gilles. So, you’ll secede completely from Canada and be totally autonomous, except you want to still use the Canadian Dollar, Canadian Passports, and use our old Army Bases? Uh, can’t see it. If you leave, you’re gone. You don’t get our money or passports or NAFTA or our old Sea Kings. OK, maybe you can have the Sea Kings. A Québec Spy Service though? I can’t see that being all that successful. In my experience with Québec tourists they do not integrate all that well with local populations. Sure, many of them can speak impeccable English, and I’m sure spies could be trained to adopt local customs, but there’s something about the way they look at non-Quebeckers as if we bathe in our own feces that would blow their cover. Although Duceppe argued that a Québec Army would have no trouble recruiting, I again would have to disagree. Québec has lost every major war it has ever fought in, and ever since has bitched about joining with Canada in any international conflict, World War I, World War II, etc. It is worth noting that the Québecois are descendants of the French, and as was once said about their ancestors, “Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion,” is much the same for them. Check you stats Duceppe. I’ll bet your sovereigntists would be much happier sitting at home smoking cigarettes and complaining about Canada than running around spying on their cultural inferiors.
And finally the Notorious BIG released a song last week with some of his best rapper buddies and apparently is not at all discouraged by the fact that he still dead.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#30)
Myron’s has certainly learned its lesson and has classed up the joint after being put out of business for six months this year. Not only has it performed the business-savvy maneuver of re-hiring the managers that took the whole place under to begin with, but it has also reverted to more tasteful entertainment, such as the Mr. Naturally Hard Body Pageant that will be going on over the next few weeks. Mr. Naturally Hard Body. Oh wow. Sounds like yet another reason to frequent the pristine sanitary premises of Moron’s. Now 17 year olds will become increasingly torn between feeding their heroine addictions at the Velvet or dancing the night away at the infamous Foam Parties at Myron’s, which in my opinion must be at least one of the top ten ways to catch the Chinese Chicken Flu.
Sylvester Stallone has heeded the calls of his tens of fans and has announced his intention to make another Rocky movie. Well thank god. That plotline has certainly not been beaten to death yet. The 59-year-old actor will once again return as Rocky Balboa, this time as a boxer reluctant to return to the ring. Well no kidding. When you’re pushing 60 you can only take so many cracks to the face before you’re laid-up in a hospital like one of the Lindros brothers. Stallone has said that Rocky will reluctantly return to the ring not to win, but only to compete. Well, what a great message for today’s geriatrics. “You can try all you want, but you sure as hell can’t win.” Good one Stallone. Idiot.
Here’s another brainwave from the wonderful City of Summerside. (Actual slogan: “Garden of the Gulf,” which wouldn’t be that bad of a slogan, except for the fact that the Gulf of St. Lawrence happens to be on PEI’s North Shore. “Hey morons! Other side!”). Yes, all-around genius and general pain in the ass Mayor Basil Stewart suggested last weekend during a meeting of Atlantic Mayors that we make a bid for the 2016 Olympics. Splendid. I wonder why no one has thought up this little jewel of ingenuity before. After a quick look at other potential bids I would have to say our major competitors would be Tokyo, New York, or New Delhi, not only because they actually have a hope in hell of actually effectively running Olympic-sized events and of being able to construct facilities and host a couple million people, but probably also because the combined population of these three cities is roughly 23,000 times that of Summerside.
But you know, when you’ve been mayor of a city like Summerside for 20-odd years, maybe you know a bit more about our region that some smart ass University student like me, so let’s consider his proposal for a minute. I mean Summerside already has a stellar ad campaign going that they could present to the IOC: “…downtown Summerside, bring the family, downtown Summerside, we need University…” and so on. Of course, if we did, by chance, win the Games of the XXXI Olympiad, Charlottetown could help out a lot by driving people around in our fleet of trolley busses. In fact, if the new residence is done by then we could probably even host some athletes right here on campus! We could hold darts and competitive shuffleboard events at the Legion, run track and field down at the CDP. Hell, we could even drag some benches up from the Soccer Field and let them use our existing beach volleyball facility. Plus I’m pretty sure the Engineering Department has a Ping Pong table we could probably borrow.
Now to raise the 10 or 12 billion we’d need to put on the Olympics: we’d likely have to organize a golf tournament or two and so we’d have to get the support of all PEI’s celebrities; Lori Kane, Brad Richards, Paul and Anne, Lucille Poulin, that lady who does that cooking show on Channel 10. If we’re really lucky, maybe we can get Steroid Ben to come race against a stock car again. And I’m sure those geniuses at Meteor Creek could probably throw together some kind of propane Olympic torch.
So I guess you were right Basil, we definitely could hold the Olympics, and you are definitely not the stupidest person I know. Now maybe if you and your city could get half a clue you could figure out that no one likes your stupid Lobster Carnival, and that we have about as much chance of bringing the Olympics to Atlantic Canada as you do in getting a University of Summerside. ZING!
Have a good one!
Sylvester Stallone has heeded the calls of his tens of fans and has announced his intention to make another Rocky movie. Well thank god. That plotline has certainly not been beaten to death yet. The 59-year-old actor will once again return as Rocky Balboa, this time as a boxer reluctant to return to the ring. Well no kidding. When you’re pushing 60 you can only take so many cracks to the face before you’re laid-up in a hospital like one of the Lindros brothers. Stallone has said that Rocky will reluctantly return to the ring not to win, but only to compete. Well, what a great message for today’s geriatrics. “You can try all you want, but you sure as hell can’t win.” Good one Stallone. Idiot.
Here’s another brainwave from the wonderful City of Summerside. (Actual slogan: “Garden of the Gulf,” which wouldn’t be that bad of a slogan, except for the fact that the Gulf of St. Lawrence happens to be on PEI’s North Shore. “Hey morons! Other side!”). Yes, all-around genius and general pain in the ass Mayor Basil Stewart suggested last weekend during a meeting of Atlantic Mayors that we make a bid for the 2016 Olympics. Splendid. I wonder why no one has thought up this little jewel of ingenuity before. After a quick look at other potential bids I would have to say our major competitors would be Tokyo, New York, or New Delhi, not only because they actually have a hope in hell of actually effectively running Olympic-sized events and of being able to construct facilities and host a couple million people, but probably also because the combined population of these three cities is roughly 23,000 times that of Summerside.
But you know, when you’ve been mayor of a city like Summerside for 20-odd years, maybe you know a bit more about our region that some smart ass University student like me, so let’s consider his proposal for a minute. I mean Summerside already has a stellar ad campaign going that they could present to the IOC: “…downtown Summerside, bring the family, downtown Summerside, we need University…” and so on. Of course, if we did, by chance, win the Games of the XXXI Olympiad, Charlottetown could help out a lot by driving people around in our fleet of trolley busses. In fact, if the new residence is done by then we could probably even host some athletes right here on campus! We could hold darts and competitive shuffleboard events at the Legion, run track and field down at the CDP. Hell, we could even drag some benches up from the Soccer Field and let them use our existing beach volleyball facility. Plus I’m pretty sure the Engineering Department has a Ping Pong table we could probably borrow.
Now to raise the 10 or 12 billion we’d need to put on the Olympics: we’d likely have to organize a golf tournament or two and so we’d have to get the support of all PEI’s celebrities; Lori Kane, Brad Richards, Paul and Anne, Lucille Poulin, that lady who does that cooking show on Channel 10. If we’re really lucky, maybe we can get Steroid Ben to come race against a stock car again. And I’m sure those geniuses at Meteor Creek could probably throw together some kind of propane Olympic torch.
So I guess you were right Basil, we definitely could hold the Olympics, and you are definitely not the stupidest person I know. Now maybe if you and your city could get half a clue you could figure out that no one likes your stupid Lobster Carnival, and that we have about as much chance of bringing the Olympics to Atlantic Canada as you do in getting a University of Summerside. ZING!
Have a good one!
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#29)
Do the Pussycat Dolls not piss anyone else off? “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me? Don’t cha? Don’t cha?” Uh, no. Not really. Shut up. That’s actually quite disturbing. And gifted lyricist 50 Cent is once again back on the charts with the remix of ‘Outta Control’ with Mobb Deep (From the poetically entitled album “The Massacre”). Mr. Cent discusses in this song his difficulties with alcohol and vice (“…drink till the burn is gone, hit the dancefloor like a scene from soft porn…”) and shows how tough he is by threatening violence and displaying his fearlessness (…I'm known for Gat poppin’, when I got problems, I don't run, I just gun you all up…”), but at the end of the day, he emphasizes his belief in strong parental and family values (“…But we ain't come here to start no drama, we just lookin’ for our future baby mamas…”) Wonderful. Who the hell is this guy? I mean, I’m sorry, but I still do not understand how someone lacking core essentials, such as the ability to communicate in a spoken language or to string together words to form complete, coherent sentences, can somehow be recognized as a great rapper. I mean listen to k-os or Kanye or Kyprios or even Will Smith for god’s sake, and you can at least piece together the point they’re trying to convey. 50 Cent seems intent on focusing on three key issues 1. Gettin’ hoes up in da club, 2. Living in da hood, and 3. Shooting bruthas, doing drugs, and just being a general asshole. Not since Vanilla Ice (“…quick to the point to the point no faking, I'm cooking MC's like a pound of bacon…”) have posers pulled off an attempt at rap, or at art in general, so badly. Well I be hatin’ 50 Cent, that shit is whack. In da club. Word.
Ah yes, Week 6 at UPEI. You can see the desperation on the faces of every student you pass in the hallway. Oh sure, everyone still smiles at each other and greets them with the generic “What’s up?” (Usually the greeter does not give a damn what’s up and just has nothing better to say.) But if you look into our eyes you can tell that each and every one of us is quite literally well on our way to clinical insanity, if not there already. First years, who were only weeks ago blissfully ignorant and aimlessly wandering around campus without a care in the world have now caught a glimpse of what it is to be a University student, and as mid-terms approach, are scared shitless. They now run from class to class eyes wide open in fear, hair unkempt, and papers flying everywhere. Second and third years, who by now accustomed to their collective impending doom are either burrowed away in some yellow cubicle, studying obsessively, or are sitting around laughing it up with friends, knowing all the while that they should be studying, or, at the very least, researching for that 20 page paper due at 4:00. Fourth year students march across campus with a certain purpose, as if they are very important people and are headed to do something very important, like address the United Nations or assassinate Osama bin Laden or something. But they too meet those they pass with an uneasy half smile and a vacant look on their face that tells you that inside they are shitting their proverbial pants. They are haunted by the notion that this year really matters, that every waking moment should be spent studying, that these upcoming exams will determine whether they will get into med school or law school or in a corner office somewhere or if they will end up a hopeless loser or a bum on the street, or even worse, like Paul Allen or something. Of course when we find ourselves freaking about school this much, we should all remember that the life of a University student is not all that bad, that soon we will be paying mortgages and sitting in some office or cubicle 8 hours a day and going to parent-teacher interviews and driving mini-vans and drinking Diet Pepsi. Life is full of tests and challenges and all that nonsense, so try not to freak out too much about that next paper or lab or mid-term. It will all be ok. Of course Science students are by now thinking “Ryan, you are the stupidest person I know. If I do not pass my exam I will die.” Well maybe you should stop wasting your time reading the damn Cadre then. Moron.
Have a good one!
Ah yes, Week 6 at UPEI. You can see the desperation on the faces of every student you pass in the hallway. Oh sure, everyone still smiles at each other and greets them with the generic “What’s up?” (Usually the greeter does not give a damn what’s up and just has nothing better to say.) But if you look into our eyes you can tell that each and every one of us is quite literally well on our way to clinical insanity, if not there already. First years, who were only weeks ago blissfully ignorant and aimlessly wandering around campus without a care in the world have now caught a glimpse of what it is to be a University student, and as mid-terms approach, are scared shitless. They now run from class to class eyes wide open in fear, hair unkempt, and papers flying everywhere. Second and third years, who by now accustomed to their collective impending doom are either burrowed away in some yellow cubicle, studying obsessively, or are sitting around laughing it up with friends, knowing all the while that they should be studying, or, at the very least, researching for that 20 page paper due at 4:00. Fourth year students march across campus with a certain purpose, as if they are very important people and are headed to do something very important, like address the United Nations or assassinate Osama bin Laden or something. But they too meet those they pass with an uneasy half smile and a vacant look on their face that tells you that inside they are shitting their proverbial pants. They are haunted by the notion that this year really matters, that every waking moment should be spent studying, that these upcoming exams will determine whether they will get into med school or law school or in a corner office somewhere or if they will end up a hopeless loser or a bum on the street, or even worse, like Paul Allen or something. Of course when we find ourselves freaking about school this much, we should all remember that the life of a University student is not all that bad, that soon we will be paying mortgages and sitting in some office or cubicle 8 hours a day and going to parent-teacher interviews and driving mini-vans and drinking Diet Pepsi. Life is full of tests and challenges and all that nonsense, so try not to freak out too much about that next paper or lab or mid-term. It will all be ok. Of course Science students are by now thinking “Ryan, you are the stupidest person I know. If I do not pass my exam I will die.” Well maybe you should stop wasting your time reading the damn Cadre then. Moron.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#28)
An era came to an end on September 25th when Subway Restaurants finished phasing out their stamp coupons. Now, instead of stamps, in return for enduring the long line, paying for obscenely expensive subs and reeking of Subway for the rest of the day you get...nothing. No free cookies on Friday, no super value meal on Wednesday. Personally, I’ve been pissed at Subway since they switched from Pepsi to Coke, but really, this is ridiculous. Eat Fresh? Kiss my ass Jared.
Relief came on international front last week as Canada and Denmark agreed to sit down and talk about who possesses sovereignty over Hans Island in the Arctic. Tempers had been rising in both countries since Canada’s Defence Minister Bill Graham landed on the disputed island in July with Canadian Forces troops to plant a Canadian flag. In retaliation the Danes sent a warship to sail around the island for awhile and to erect a Danish flag on the island. “We put one up before but it blew down.” was their reasoning. World leaders were shocked and the US Military reportedly went to DEFCON 5 when they heard that the great military powers of Canada and Denmark were having a dispute, especially after hearing that at least two Canadian submarines were almost operational. “Thank God that’s over.” Was reportedly the reaction of Saddam Hussein from his jail cell upon hearing the news. Hans Island, by the way, is 1.3 square kilometres and is entirely uninhabited. Oh yeah. And the North Koreans are giving up their nuclear weapons program. Riiight.
Elections were held for the German Bundestag last Sunday, and no one seems to know who won. Both leading parties were considerably shy of the 307 needed for a majority. Negotiations have been on-going with other parties in attempts of establishing some sort of governing coalition, but the two major party leaders have going postal on each other all week, everyone refuses to even talk to the Left Party (successor of the old East German Communists), and one of the coalitions has been dubbed “The Jamaican Coalition.” Oh those crazy Germans. They’re not that good at this democracy stuff. Or at taking over the world.
Residents of Newark, New Jersey became mildly concerned last week when it was reported that three mice infected with the Bubonic Plague had gone missing from a University of Medicine and Dentistry laboratory, prompting University Officials to spring into action and do...absolutely nothing. According to them the mice posed a “scant” threat to the general public and besides, since they had already been missing for about two weeks, they were “probably already dead anyway.” Now, I have a great respect for the research community, don’t get me wrong. But in my opinion, it’s pretty stupid to handle test subjects so haphazardly that they go missing for two weeks without you noticing, especially when these subjects happen to be infected with the BUBONIC PLAGUE. Yeah, it only killed like 137 million people back in the day. No worries. Morons.
Speaking of incompetence, the Charlottetown Police asked the public to be on the lookout last week after a 12-gauge camouflaged shotgun went missing from the gun cabinet at the Charlottetown Canadian Tire. When? “Oh, sometime between the 10th and the 19th.” (Apparently Canadian Tire does not have the best shoplifting detection system). According to a report in the always non-biased and über-professional Guardian, there are only two people in the entire store that had access to the cabinet. Do you think these two people should be possible suspects? Of course not. “I think they just noticed it was missing.” Constable Gary Clow was quoted as saying. Hey went on to ask the public to keep an eye out for the gun. Thanks Gary. And sure, I’ll get right out there on the street tonight and do you job for you. Jerks.
Have a good one!
Relief came on international front last week as Canada and Denmark agreed to sit down and talk about who possesses sovereignty over Hans Island in the Arctic. Tempers had been rising in both countries since Canada’s Defence Minister Bill Graham landed on the disputed island in July with Canadian Forces troops to plant a Canadian flag. In retaliation the Danes sent a warship to sail around the island for awhile and to erect a Danish flag on the island. “We put one up before but it blew down.” was their reasoning. World leaders were shocked and the US Military reportedly went to DEFCON 5 when they heard that the great military powers of Canada and Denmark were having a dispute, especially after hearing that at least two Canadian submarines were almost operational. “Thank God that’s over.” Was reportedly the reaction of Saddam Hussein from his jail cell upon hearing the news. Hans Island, by the way, is 1.3 square kilometres and is entirely uninhabited. Oh yeah. And the North Koreans are giving up their nuclear weapons program. Riiight.
Elections were held for the German Bundestag last Sunday, and no one seems to know who won. Both leading parties were considerably shy of the 307 needed for a majority. Negotiations have been on-going with other parties in attempts of establishing some sort of governing coalition, but the two major party leaders have going postal on each other all week, everyone refuses to even talk to the Left Party (successor of the old East German Communists), and one of the coalitions has been dubbed “The Jamaican Coalition.” Oh those crazy Germans. They’re not that good at this democracy stuff. Or at taking over the world.
Residents of Newark, New Jersey became mildly concerned last week when it was reported that three mice infected with the Bubonic Plague had gone missing from a University of Medicine and Dentistry laboratory, prompting University Officials to spring into action and do...absolutely nothing. According to them the mice posed a “scant” threat to the general public and besides, since they had already been missing for about two weeks, they were “probably already dead anyway.” Now, I have a great respect for the research community, don’t get me wrong. But in my opinion, it’s pretty stupid to handle test subjects so haphazardly that they go missing for two weeks without you noticing, especially when these subjects happen to be infected with the BUBONIC PLAGUE. Yeah, it only killed like 137 million people back in the day. No worries. Morons.
Speaking of incompetence, the Charlottetown Police asked the public to be on the lookout last week after a 12-gauge camouflaged shotgun went missing from the gun cabinet at the Charlottetown Canadian Tire. When? “Oh, sometime between the 10th and the 19th.” (Apparently Canadian Tire does not have the best shoplifting detection system). According to a report in the always non-biased and über-professional Guardian, there are only two people in the entire store that had access to the cabinet. Do you think these two people should be possible suspects? Of course not. “I think they just noticed it was missing.” Constable Gary Clow was quoted as saying. Hey went on to ask the public to keep an eye out for the gun. Thanks Gary. And sure, I’ll get right out there on the street tonight and do you job for you. Jerks.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#27)
Yes, its that time of year again. Time for tuition fees, student fees, sports fees, parking fees, admin fees, and residence fees. Time for new roommates, new friends, new classes, new profs and new things to piss you off. Time for togas and 2-4s and a good drink-on to forget about all the money and time that you don’t have. And of course, time for reading my column in The Cadre and then sending me e-mails about how much you hate me and my stupid opinions.
Well the geniuses in the email protest community have done it again. September 1st was deemed as "Stick it to Them" Day, which was, as I was told in about 3,086 e-mails, aimed at getting everyone to stop buying gas for a day, the theory being that if no one bought gas for an entire day, the big oil companies would freak out, collapse under pressure, and be forced to drop oil prices. Despite the fact that this scheme is fundamentally flawed, substantially delusional and that the people who conceived it are evidently complete idiots, the protest went off without a hitch. That is of course except the small fact that gas prices went up 36 cents that day. Wow, what awesome power those fearless email vigilantes wield. Morons.
It seems the NHL and the NHLPA finally got their asses in gear, signing a CBA after their bickering led to the cancellation of the 2004-05 NHL Season. Following the ratification of the agreement, teams around the NHL scrambled to sign new players from the massive pool of unrestricted free agents. Pittsburgh signed John LeClair, Mario Lemieux, Zigmund Palffy, Sidney Crosby and Sergei Gonchar, Edmonton signed Mike Peca and Chris Pronger, and Atlanta signed Bobby Holik, Marian Hossa and Greg de Vries. Meanwhile, continuing in their tradition of being very well-intentioned, yet also very stupid, the Toronto Maple Leafs signed Eric "Concussion" Lindros, who is about a headache and a half away from eating through a straw and Aki "The Pylon" Berg. Oh wait, this just in. Toronto has just signed Mariusz Czerkawski. Great. Whoever the hell that is.
On a brighter note, another one of our Canadian teams has had considerable success with signings in the off-season. The Ottawa Senators, have been able to sign Dany Heatley, the young phenom from Atlanta and have replaced Patrick "The Choker" Lalime with Dominik "The Dominator" Hasek, the only drawback of this, being, of course, that everyone hates the Ottawa Senators.
An era ended last week as Rainbow Valley closed its doors forever. There was extensive uproar from the public about turning the forty-acre park into nature trails for the National Park, but for me the closure is a more positive move. I was always kind of weirded out by The Witch’s Cave and the whiplash-inducing Bushwacker. And what the hell was up with that weird-looking robot fisherman from the "Dark Ride"? (Original name by the way). I will, however, miss harassing Mrs. Owl and asking why she already had a baby at the age of 14, or being yelled at by Rainbow Valley staff telling us we’re not supposed to get of the boats and walk around on the islands in the pond. Oh the joys of being a delinquent pubescent boy let loose at Rainbow Valley.
So, once again, welcome back to another (or perhaps first) year at the U of PEI. A particular welcome back to the worst-maintained, yet most-spirited building on campus. Yes, Marion Hall, who we had all thought had seen its last days as a residence, has proved us all wrong, and, back from the dead, will carry on the tradition of holding some of the loudest and most random parties this side of Tignish.
And so, as the year goes on, remember to work hard, and to have fun; to embrace the good times, learn from the bad, and whenever possible, to raise a glass in celebration of another semester in the company of friends.
Have a good one!
Well the geniuses in the email protest community have done it again. September 1st was deemed as "Stick it to Them" Day, which was, as I was told in about 3,086 e-mails, aimed at getting everyone to stop buying gas for a day, the theory being that if no one bought gas for an entire day, the big oil companies would freak out, collapse under pressure, and be forced to drop oil prices. Despite the fact that this scheme is fundamentally flawed, substantially delusional and that the people who conceived it are evidently complete idiots, the protest went off without a hitch. That is of course except the small fact that gas prices went up 36 cents that day. Wow, what awesome power those fearless email vigilantes wield. Morons.
It seems the NHL and the NHLPA finally got their asses in gear, signing a CBA after their bickering led to the cancellation of the 2004-05 NHL Season. Following the ratification of the agreement, teams around the NHL scrambled to sign new players from the massive pool of unrestricted free agents. Pittsburgh signed John LeClair, Mario Lemieux, Zigmund Palffy, Sidney Crosby and Sergei Gonchar, Edmonton signed Mike Peca and Chris Pronger, and Atlanta signed Bobby Holik, Marian Hossa and Greg de Vries. Meanwhile, continuing in their tradition of being very well-intentioned, yet also very stupid, the Toronto Maple Leafs signed Eric "Concussion" Lindros, who is about a headache and a half away from eating through a straw and Aki "The Pylon" Berg. Oh wait, this just in. Toronto has just signed Mariusz Czerkawski. Great. Whoever the hell that is.
On a brighter note, another one of our Canadian teams has had considerable success with signings in the off-season. The Ottawa Senators, have been able to sign Dany Heatley, the young phenom from Atlanta and have replaced Patrick "The Choker" Lalime with Dominik "The Dominator" Hasek, the only drawback of this, being, of course, that everyone hates the Ottawa Senators.
An era ended last week as Rainbow Valley closed its doors forever. There was extensive uproar from the public about turning the forty-acre park into nature trails for the National Park, but for me the closure is a more positive move. I was always kind of weirded out by The Witch’s Cave and the whiplash-inducing Bushwacker. And what the hell was up with that weird-looking robot fisherman from the "Dark Ride"? (Original name by the way). I will, however, miss harassing Mrs. Owl and asking why she already had a baby at the age of 14, or being yelled at by Rainbow Valley staff telling us we’re not supposed to get of the boats and walk around on the islands in the pond. Oh the joys of being a delinquent pubescent boy let loose at Rainbow Valley.
So, once again, welcome back to another (or perhaps first) year at the U of PEI. A particular welcome back to the worst-maintained, yet most-spirited building on campus. Yes, Marion Hall, who we had all thought had seen its last days as a residence, has proved us all wrong, and, back from the dead, will carry on the tradition of holding some of the loudest and most random parties this side of Tignish.
And so, as the year goes on, remember to work hard, and to have fun; to embrace the good times, learn from the bad, and whenever possible, to raise a glass in celebration of another semester in the company of friends.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
...And now for something completely different: What I Learned This Year at University (#26)
Well, this is it. The last Cadre of the 2004-05 school year. For some of you this will be an emotional moment as you ponder this, your final year here at UPEI and how it has compared to your first 4 (or 5. or 6. or 8.) years here. For others it will be an opportunity to look at the past year of challenges faced and victories won. Of highs and lows and in-betweens. For still others you will be thinking “Shut the hell up Ryan. I hate you.”
Point taken.
What I learned this year at UPEI:
- I learned this year that the sole duty of some workers in Kelley Building seems to be standing outside and smoking 7 out of 8 hours every day.
- That being incredibly stupid is an asset, especially if you happen to work for Magic 93.
- That climbing over buildings instead of walking around them, while a time-saver, is also probably not the best idea, and when drunk, is at least twice as hazardous.
- I learned through word-of-mouth that jumping through windows at the Legion is neither as enjoyable nor as rewarding as it may at first seem.
- I learned that Backstreet’s back and that puking is not restricted to the sick.
- That renovating a building can take longer than it does to build another one twice its size, and that the most important part of a renovation project is to ensure that noise and inconvenience always takes precedence over doing actual work.
- I learned that high school students are at least 10x stupider than when I was there. And they’re getting worse. I learned that I can come up with at least a dozen ways to stop them from throwing snowballs at restaurants. I learned that most of these were illegal.
- I learned that acting as a sledding ramp does not work and can be tremendously painful.
- That many students feel that getting to class on time is more important than crossing University Avenue at the crosswalk, like a sane individual.
- That only through ignorance do we hate. I hate the French language.
- I learned that as much as I often resented Moron’s when it was open, since it closed I now have a pain in my stomach telling me that something inside me has died. Either that or I have an ulcer.
- I learned this year that the UPEI Student Union is corrupt and full of power-hungry individuals who care about nothing more than screwing with the lives of all students. Either that or someone has an over-active imagination.
- I learned that raising awareness about pedestrian safety by pretending to get hit by a car and laying on University Avenue for half an hour and getting hauled off by an ambulance pisses people off.
- I learned that complaining about tuition, parking, George W. Bush, the weather, etc. pisses people off.
- I learned that using an ‘R’ with a little circle around it as a representation of your signature pisses people off.
- I learned that no matter how well-intentioned your actions, no matter how hard you try, someone somewhere will get pissed off at you for not doing enough. Or for doing too much.
- I learned that I no longer care.
- I learned that I can go to a class for 3 hours a week for 4 months and not learn a damn thing.
- That an all-nighter and some quality bullshit often yields the best papers. That hard work pays off later; sometimes, procrastination pays off now; always.
- That “It is better to do little well than a great deal badly.” (Socrates). While this may be true, I learned that I am much better at the latter.
- I learned that it won’t be the failed exams or that book you didn’t read or the 8:30 classes that we’ll remember, but rather, Trivia Wednesdays and Fajita Fridays. Those random friends you made on that Pub Crawl. Those idiot car-parkers they made fun of in The Cadre. The night class they cancelled because everyone was too drunk. That jerk that kept on shutting off the lights in the bathroom, the crush in your class, or the people that just made you smile, like that kid that jumped off the Library.
And so, with all we’ve learned, and as we leave our school for another year, perhaps this time forever, let us remember to embrace the good times, to learn from the bad, and whenever possible, to raise a glass in celebration of another year gone, another course earned, and another summer break in the company of friends.
Have a good one!
Point taken.
What I learned this year at UPEI:
- I learned this year that the sole duty of some workers in Kelley Building seems to be standing outside and smoking 7 out of 8 hours every day.
- That being incredibly stupid is an asset, especially if you happen to work for Magic 93.
- That climbing over buildings instead of walking around them, while a time-saver, is also probably not the best idea, and when drunk, is at least twice as hazardous.
- I learned through word-of-mouth that jumping through windows at the Legion is neither as enjoyable nor as rewarding as it may at first seem.
- I learned that Backstreet’s back and that puking is not restricted to the sick.
- That renovating a building can take longer than it does to build another one twice its size, and that the most important part of a renovation project is to ensure that noise and inconvenience always takes precedence over doing actual work.
- I learned that high school students are at least 10x stupider than when I was there. And they’re getting worse. I learned that I can come up with at least a dozen ways to stop them from throwing snowballs at restaurants. I learned that most of these were illegal.
- I learned that acting as a sledding ramp does not work and can be tremendously painful.
- That many students feel that getting to class on time is more important than crossing University Avenue at the crosswalk, like a sane individual.
- That only through ignorance do we hate. I hate the French language.
- I learned that as much as I often resented Moron’s when it was open, since it closed I now have a pain in my stomach telling me that something inside me has died. Either that or I have an ulcer.
- I learned this year that the UPEI Student Union is corrupt and full of power-hungry individuals who care about nothing more than screwing with the lives of all students. Either that or someone has an over-active imagination.
- I learned that raising awareness about pedestrian safety by pretending to get hit by a car and laying on University Avenue for half an hour and getting hauled off by an ambulance pisses people off.
- I learned that complaining about tuition, parking, George W. Bush, the weather, etc. pisses people off.
- I learned that using an ‘R’ with a little circle around it as a representation of your signature pisses people off.
- I learned that no matter how well-intentioned your actions, no matter how hard you try, someone somewhere will get pissed off at you for not doing enough. Or for doing too much.
- I learned that I no longer care.
- I learned that I can go to a class for 3 hours a week for 4 months and not learn a damn thing.
- That an all-nighter and some quality bullshit often yields the best papers. That hard work pays off later; sometimes, procrastination pays off now; always.
- That “It is better to do little well than a great deal badly.” (Socrates). While this may be true, I learned that I am much better at the latter.
- I learned that it won’t be the failed exams or that book you didn’t read or the 8:30 classes that we’ll remember, but rather, Trivia Wednesdays and Fajita Fridays. Those random friends you made on that Pub Crawl. Those idiot car-parkers they made fun of in The Cadre. The night class they cancelled because everyone was too drunk. That jerk that kept on shutting off the lights in the bathroom, the crush in your class, or the people that just made you smile, like that kid that jumped off the Library.
And so, with all we’ve learned, and as we leave our school for another year, perhaps this time forever, let us remember to embrace the good times, to learn from the bad, and whenever possible, to raise a glass in celebration of another year gone, another course earned, and another summer break in the company of friends.
Have a good one!
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
...And now for something completely different…The Rants of a University Student (#25)
Armed rebels seized control of President Askar Akayev’s Headquarters in Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan last week, raising international fear of instability in the region. As a university student concerned about such issues, let me be the first to say: “What the hell Kyrgyzstan?”
Spring has sprung here on PEI and us students are right into the books, finishing up term papers and studying for the infamous final exams. Right on cue, Daylight Savings Time will kick in next Sunday to take away an hour of sleep and to give us that extra little kick in the junk that us students need so badly at this time of year. And to help out all that much more, construction workers have jumped into high-gear, banging around metal on the roof of the Library and hurling large chunks of concrete from the top floor of Duffy, just as if they had saved their loudest projects especially for our exam studying time. Ok, sure, I know renovations have to be done on Duffy, especially given the asbestos and the leaks and all that, but do they really have to start dragging new trailers onto campus and making massive trenches of mud during our busiest and most important time of year? Seriously, you don’t want to start pissing off students that are short on sleep, deep in work and that have potent chemicals readily available.
A bus driver from Charlottetown Rural was suspended last week after refusing to drive a bus that he said was too full. Upon inspection by the Vice Principal, she decided that it was not too full, as there were only 56 students on a bus she said was designed to hold 72 students, so she suspended him. Ok, this is the first clue that she is, with all due respect, an idiot. Having spent around 4000 hours on school busses between Kindergarten and Grade 12, I’m pretty damn sure that there is no way in hell that 72 high school students, plus kit-bags, musical instruments, ghetto-blasters, etc. are going to fit in a 24-seat bus safely. Someone’s ass is gonna be on the floor. This policy of punishing bus drivers for being concerned about the safety of the bus they’re driving is a dumbass move. There is no way that some administrator, who obviously has no idea what the hell she’s talking about, should be telling an experienced driver to do something that could very well be unsafe, a driver, who by the way, they pay something like 50 bucks a day to be responsible for the lives of all the children on his bus.
Speaking of high school punks, the owners of the Noodle House came out last week saying that they are thinking of selling their business after mobs of students from area schools have started pummeling the side of their restaurant with snowballs. I was shocked, first of all, to hear that the Noodle House is not run by the Mafia, as I’ve been told for years, and secondly, that kids could be this stupid. I always wondered why we were never allowed to leave school grounds back in junior high, and now I realize it was because little pukes like these do stuff like that. Now, no offence to any of you who may have once graced the hallowed halls of Queen Charlotte or Colonel Gray, but you don’t see Souris punks pummeling the Blue Fin at lunch or kids out at Bluefield launching attacks on Bobby Clow’s. Snowballs are for throwing at the faces of friends and at girls that you have crushes on, not for terrorizing restaurants owned by immigrants. Honestly, get a life.
Well, my little heart was broken into a billion little pieces last week. Yeah, it’s true; Moron’s has closed its doors and no one seems to know when they’ll open again. Sure, many feel a great deal of angst towards the city bar, with its crap techno music and 50 Cent remixes and incredibly over-crowded dance floor. Having entered the premises about a month ago, I was confronted by one angry (and rather inebriated) such student who let me know how pissed off she was with the crowdedness, saying “I got a damn photo survey for your Cadre! How much does Myron’s suck!?!” And most of us would have to agree. We’ve all visited the less-than pristine bathrooms, seen the broken bottles, and experienced the occasional rough night and rougher morning that often accompany a trip to Moron’s. And we’ve all seen the fights. Hell, even I’ve been punched in the face a couple time, and I’m like the nicest guy in the history of ever. Perhaps the scariest thing I ever did was to try to survive a sober night at Myron’s while babysitting my ridiculously drunken friends. “No, no, leave her alo…no, put that down, that’s not yours…take that out of your mouth. Take it out. What the hell is she wearing? Frig it’s hot in here! And…oh my God what is that on the floor?”
Still though, I can’t help but thinking, if it weren’t for Moron’s, would there ever be the good old 2 a.m. Kent Street block parties? Where are we going to meet our long-lost buddies now if not in the line-up or on the stairs or in the bathrooms of Moron’s? Where are we going to get our pizza for pub-crawls? Where is everyone that’s back from school for Christmas or Thanksgiving going to meet up? We can’t just go straight to China Garden or Blossoms at 11:00 p.m. Velvet Underground? Sportspage? J.R.’s? Yeah, no thanks. Come on now. Love it or hate it, there’s a place in all of our hearts for Moron’s, a void that will not soon, or possibly ever be completely filled. Sigh. See you at the Wave!
Have a good one!
Spring has sprung here on PEI and us students are right into the books, finishing up term papers and studying for the infamous final exams. Right on cue, Daylight Savings Time will kick in next Sunday to take away an hour of sleep and to give us that extra little kick in the junk that us students need so badly at this time of year. And to help out all that much more, construction workers have jumped into high-gear, banging around metal on the roof of the Library and hurling large chunks of concrete from the top floor of Duffy, just as if they had saved their loudest projects especially for our exam studying time. Ok, sure, I know renovations have to be done on Duffy, especially given the asbestos and the leaks and all that, but do they really have to start dragging new trailers onto campus and making massive trenches of mud during our busiest and most important time of year? Seriously, you don’t want to start pissing off students that are short on sleep, deep in work and that have potent chemicals readily available.
A bus driver from Charlottetown Rural was suspended last week after refusing to drive a bus that he said was too full. Upon inspection by the Vice Principal, she decided that it was not too full, as there were only 56 students on a bus she said was designed to hold 72 students, so she suspended him. Ok, this is the first clue that she is, with all due respect, an idiot. Having spent around 4000 hours on school busses between Kindergarten and Grade 12, I’m pretty damn sure that there is no way in hell that 72 high school students, plus kit-bags, musical instruments, ghetto-blasters, etc. are going to fit in a 24-seat bus safely. Someone’s ass is gonna be on the floor. This policy of punishing bus drivers for being concerned about the safety of the bus they’re driving is a dumbass move. There is no way that some administrator, who obviously has no idea what the hell she’s talking about, should be telling an experienced driver to do something that could very well be unsafe, a driver, who by the way, they pay something like 50 bucks a day to be responsible for the lives of all the children on his bus.
Speaking of high school punks, the owners of the Noodle House came out last week saying that they are thinking of selling their business after mobs of students from area schools have started pummeling the side of their restaurant with snowballs. I was shocked, first of all, to hear that the Noodle House is not run by the Mafia, as I’ve been told for years, and secondly, that kids could be this stupid. I always wondered why we were never allowed to leave school grounds back in junior high, and now I realize it was because little pukes like these do stuff like that. Now, no offence to any of you who may have once graced the hallowed halls of Queen Charlotte or Colonel Gray, but you don’t see Souris punks pummeling the Blue Fin at lunch or kids out at Bluefield launching attacks on Bobby Clow’s. Snowballs are for throwing at the faces of friends and at girls that you have crushes on, not for terrorizing restaurants owned by immigrants. Honestly, get a life.
Well, my little heart was broken into a billion little pieces last week. Yeah, it’s true; Moron’s has closed its doors and no one seems to know when they’ll open again. Sure, many feel a great deal of angst towards the city bar, with its crap techno music and 50 Cent remixes and incredibly over-crowded dance floor. Having entered the premises about a month ago, I was confronted by one angry (and rather inebriated) such student who let me know how pissed off she was with the crowdedness, saying “I got a damn photo survey for your Cadre! How much does Myron’s suck!?!” And most of us would have to agree. We’ve all visited the less-than pristine bathrooms, seen the broken bottles, and experienced the occasional rough night and rougher morning that often accompany a trip to Moron’s. And we’ve all seen the fights. Hell, even I’ve been punched in the face a couple time, and I’m like the nicest guy in the history of ever. Perhaps the scariest thing I ever did was to try to survive a sober night at Myron’s while babysitting my ridiculously drunken friends. “No, no, leave her alo…no, put that down, that’s not yours…take that out of your mouth. Take it out. What the hell is she wearing? Frig it’s hot in here! And…oh my God what is that on the floor?”
Still though, I can’t help but thinking, if it weren’t for Moron’s, would there ever be the good old 2 a.m. Kent Street block parties? Where are we going to meet our long-lost buddies now if not in the line-up or on the stairs or in the bathrooms of Moron’s? Where are we going to get our pizza for pub-crawls? Where is everyone that’s back from school for Christmas or Thanksgiving going to meet up? We can’t just go straight to China Garden or Blossoms at 11:00 p.m. Velvet Underground? Sportspage? J.R.’s? Yeah, no thanks. Come on now. Love it or hate it, there’s a place in all of our hearts for Moron’s, a void that will not soon, or possibly ever be completely filled. Sigh. See you at the Wave!
Have a good one!
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
...And now for something completely different…The Rants of a University Student (#24)
Well top o’ the mornin’ to ya, and a Happy St. Patty’s Day. UPEI students flocked to the Wave in droves this past Thursday, filling it to capacity and showing their Irish pride in fine form. While the names of many student seemed to indicate that they were not, in fact, Irish, this did not seem to hinder them from celebrating in a traditional Irish fashion by singing, dancing, and drinking themselves into oblivion. The chugging of green beer led to many a drunken stupor, leaving a lasting effect here in campus, where at least one class was cut short due to “student extracurricular activity” and 8:30 Friday morning classes were sparsely attended, making for eerily empty classrooms.
Across the pond in Dublin, Ireland, the Irish celebrated St. Patty’s Day in a similar manner, starting off by getting a good drink-on in the morning, and ending off by having 714 people carted off to prison by dinnertime. The following day businesses reported that less then half their regular staff showed up for work, as the nation nursed a collective hangover. In what could very well be the understatement of the year, one pub manager described the crowd as being “Very, very, merry.”
In fact, with the violence and arrests that resulted from that “very merry” crowd, the entire day devoted to the drunken memory of Saint Patrick could have been a complete write-off, had it not been for the parades that had taken place during the day, with a special appearance by Boyzone star Keith Duffy. For those of you who do not recall Boyzone, they are the Irish boy-band that sang When the Going Gets Tough (The Tough Get Going), which, next to Mambo #5 and Who Let the Dogs Out, is quite possibly the worst song ever conceived by man. Boyzone were called “the most promising band of 1995” by a British music Magazine, which is quite a ringing endorsement, until you remember that the mainstream music scene in 1995 consisted of Cotton-Eyed Joe and The Macarena.
Unfortunately Boyzone’s most recent appearance in North America was in Phoenix, Arizona on July 31st, 1997, with no upcoming dates yet announced. But hardcore fans take solace in the fact that their US Fan Website states that “Once again, rumors of a summer USA visit are circulating the internet!” Cross your fingers!
A Newfoundland man who was convicted of driving under the influence last week blamed his inebriation on his consumption of liquor-filled chocolates, but for some reason the judge saw it necessary to penalize this candy-lover (and previously 3-time convicted drunk driver) for his victimless crime of having a sweet tooth. When stopped by the RCMP, his blood alcohol level was approximately double the legal limit, the accumulation of which, by my estimates, would have taken at least 168 liquor-filled chocolates, an amount of alcohol that would have left him feeling nauseous and disoriented, and an amount of chocolate, that by all estimates, would have left him feeling bloated and dead.
Well, a new chapter was added to Pat Binns and the Adventures of his $125,000,000 Deficit last week when the province decided to give $400,000 to Garden Province Meats after already blowing $275,000 in unsecured loans into the firm in September and helping buy $140,000 in new equipment. What is their friggin obsession with throwing money at bad business? When Polar Foods lost money despite making $150 million a year, the government insisted on stepping in and saving jobs, losing about $31 million in the process, and then putting 1,200 jobs in jeopardy anyway. But wait, good old Agriculture Minister Kevin MacAdam made a good point in backing up this government’s moves, saying “I feel bad, I really, really, really feel bad.” Wow Kevin, when you put it that way…
Newsflash! A news release out of Ottawa last week revealed, that among other things, people are not allowed to pack brass knuckles, nunchuks, tear gas, spear guns or gas torches in airline baggage. Well, why the hell not? I think they may be taking this terrorism stuff a bit too far. I mean how is having road flares or hatches or cricket bats in your carry-on baggage in any way detrimental to other passengers? Actually, who made up this list, and when was the last time some moron tried to get on a plane with this kind of stuff? Also, large quantities of homemade liquor-filled chocolates will no longer be permitted on any flights within Canada. Idiots. And listen. Those stupid “Jetsgone” jokes are not funny. Give it a rest.
Have a good one!
Across the pond in Dublin, Ireland, the Irish celebrated St. Patty’s Day in a similar manner, starting off by getting a good drink-on in the morning, and ending off by having 714 people carted off to prison by dinnertime. The following day businesses reported that less then half their regular staff showed up for work, as the nation nursed a collective hangover. In what could very well be the understatement of the year, one pub manager described the crowd as being “Very, very, merry.”
In fact, with the violence and arrests that resulted from that “very merry” crowd, the entire day devoted to the drunken memory of Saint Patrick could have been a complete write-off, had it not been for the parades that had taken place during the day, with a special appearance by Boyzone star Keith Duffy. For those of you who do not recall Boyzone, they are the Irish boy-band that sang When the Going Gets Tough (The Tough Get Going), which, next to Mambo #5 and Who Let the Dogs Out, is quite possibly the worst song ever conceived by man. Boyzone were called “the most promising band of 1995” by a British music Magazine, which is quite a ringing endorsement, until you remember that the mainstream music scene in 1995 consisted of Cotton-Eyed Joe and The Macarena.
Unfortunately Boyzone’s most recent appearance in North America was in Phoenix, Arizona on July 31st, 1997, with no upcoming dates yet announced. But hardcore fans take solace in the fact that their US Fan Website states that “Once again, rumors of a summer USA visit are circulating the internet!” Cross your fingers!
A Newfoundland man who was convicted of driving under the influence last week blamed his inebriation on his consumption of liquor-filled chocolates, but for some reason the judge saw it necessary to penalize this candy-lover (and previously 3-time convicted drunk driver) for his victimless crime of having a sweet tooth. When stopped by the RCMP, his blood alcohol level was approximately double the legal limit, the accumulation of which, by my estimates, would have taken at least 168 liquor-filled chocolates, an amount of alcohol that would have left him feeling nauseous and disoriented, and an amount of chocolate, that by all estimates, would have left him feeling bloated and dead.
Well, a new chapter was added to Pat Binns and the Adventures of his $125,000,000 Deficit last week when the province decided to give $400,000 to Garden Province Meats after already blowing $275,000 in unsecured loans into the firm in September and helping buy $140,000 in new equipment. What is their friggin obsession with throwing money at bad business? When Polar Foods lost money despite making $150 million a year, the government insisted on stepping in and saving jobs, losing about $31 million in the process, and then putting 1,200 jobs in jeopardy anyway. But wait, good old Agriculture Minister Kevin MacAdam made a good point in backing up this government’s moves, saying “I feel bad, I really, really, really feel bad.” Wow Kevin, when you put it that way…
Newsflash! A news release out of Ottawa last week revealed, that among other things, people are not allowed to pack brass knuckles, nunchuks, tear gas, spear guns or gas torches in airline baggage. Well, why the hell not? I think they may be taking this terrorism stuff a bit too far. I mean how is having road flares or hatches or cricket bats in your carry-on baggage in any way detrimental to other passengers? Actually, who made up this list, and when was the last time some moron tried to get on a plane with this kind of stuff? Also, large quantities of homemade liquor-filled chocolates will no longer be permitted on any flights within Canada. Idiots. And listen. Those stupid “Jetsgone” jokes are not funny. Give it a rest.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
…And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#23)
Well Paul Martin’s Liberals made a not-so decisive move recently, deciding to opt-out of the US Missile Defence System. Why the hell would they do that? Would it have something to do with the fact that the Chinese, with an army of 2.5 million people, are not exactly enthralled about the idea? Or maybe because it could spark an arms race which is nicely accented by the fact that North Korea has nuclear arms, are quitting disarmament talks, and are testing long-distance nukes? Not to mention that the American interceptor missiles, that is, the core function of the system, do not work. Some may see it as a drawback that the system, aimed at protecting the US against terrorists and ‘rogue states,’ costs billions of dollars and that will be worth absolute jack if terrorists are flying planes or carrying suitcase bombs.
Of course, there’s not a hell of a lot Canada’s military could do with a nuclear missile heading at us, other than to fling Sea King helicopters at them and hope they get in the way. But I honestly don’t see the need for a multi-billion dollar missile shield, especially in today’s world where the threat comes from terrorist factions, a threat, which in no way includes long-range ICBM capabilities. I’m not saying it’s a good idea to let the Canadian military to continue treading the line of mediocrity and uselessness, but seriously, no one’s gonna nuke us for minding our business, so why stir the water by pissing off all the crazies on the block?
Well, after months of negotiating and arguing and after a threatening resolution was passed by Charlottetown City Council, the NHL and NHLPA may have the issue that is going to force them to get something done. Yeah, that’s right, unless they get a deal done, Dominik Hasek is going to retire. Again. The 40-year-old Dominator made the threat last weekend while Gary Bettman was busy trying to sell the entire league off for a couple billion dollars and Bob Goodenow was off doing…well who the hell cares what he was doing. Hasek first retired in 2002 after winning the Stanley Cup with the Red Wings, but decided to return to the NHL after being charged in the Czech Republic for cross-checking a player in his local amateur league, sitting on him, and then hitting him in the back of the neck repeatedly with his stick. Hasek faced charges of up to $145 for his attack. Wow. That’s only $501,855 less than Bertuzzi got charged for hitting Moore. Poor Hasek. It’s a good thing he’s not Canadian or the NHL might have banned him from hockey too.
The protest ship The Farley Mowat belonging to the environmental group The Sea Shepard Conservation Society was detained by Transport Canada in Halifax last week after it was found that the ship was not environmentally sound for sea travel and that it did not meet oil pollution prevention standards. Calling the detainment political harassment, the captain left port with the Mowat on Friday en route to the Magdalene Islands to film the harp seal hunt. By Sunday, it was publicized that the Mowat, with 28 people from 10 countries on board, was stranded and taking on water in the Cabot Strait. It then had to be towed back to Halifax by the Canadian Coast Guard. At the cost of the taxpayer of course. This ridiculous story about a bunch of morons on the high seas is made even more idiotic by the fact that the group is represented by the always-suave Richard Dean Anderson of MacGyver. “MacGyver! The boat is sinking!” “Oh no! Quick, get me a fork, WD-40 and a cow!”
Legendary rapper and humanitarian 50 Cent has found his way back into the Much Music Top 30 Countdown this week with the romantically poignant ballad ‘Candy Shop.’ For those of you who have not heard it, a sampling of the poetic verse, seemingly directed at his one and only love, or at least his flavour of the week, reads “If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho.” and “In the hotel or in the back of the rental.” Listeners who are intellectually engaged and intrigued by the riveting lyrics, can visit 50’s website, which features a picture of him leveling an automatic rifle at the screen, which tastefully fires at the viewer as the page loads. Despite his gun-happy tendencies, I am rather quite amused by Mr. Cent’s attempts to prove how ‘gangsta’ he is, as I am with that of his good friend Lloyd Banks (author of the lyrically-rich ‘If You So Gangsta’). Some may think there is something wrong with promoting a lifestyle that results in the deaths of thousands of people every year, most notably among men within their own demographic, but hey, boys will be boys right?
Having said that, I am getting pretty sick of artists who insist on complaining all the time about how bad they have it and about how mentally strenuous it is to make millions of dollars for singing songs now and then. Does this not piss anyone else off? I mean J. Lo never shuts up about how real she is, i.e. ‘I’m Real,’ and ‘Jenny From the Block.’ I mean sure, she was born in the Bronx, but given the $1 billion insurance policy she took out on her own body, I doubt Jenny hangs around the block all that much anymore.
And who is this Lindsay Lohan character? I mean come on now, her voice is so digitally altered she may as well not sing at all and just dance around to an old remix of Cher or something. And talk about whiney. The very first single from her CD was Rumours, a song about how hard it is for her to deal with the overwhelming media attention everywhere she goes. Awwwww. Muffin. You know, if it’s so damn hard to deal with, then just shut the hell up and do something else. And not that I’m condemning your career direction or anything, but if you’re looking for an Amish-style peaceful life, dancing around in your underwear is not really the way to do it.
Have a good one!
Of course, there’s not a hell of a lot Canada’s military could do with a nuclear missile heading at us, other than to fling Sea King helicopters at them and hope they get in the way. But I honestly don’t see the need for a multi-billion dollar missile shield, especially in today’s world where the threat comes from terrorist factions, a threat, which in no way includes long-range ICBM capabilities. I’m not saying it’s a good idea to let the Canadian military to continue treading the line of mediocrity and uselessness, but seriously, no one’s gonna nuke us for minding our business, so why stir the water by pissing off all the crazies on the block?
Well, after months of negotiating and arguing and after a threatening resolution was passed by Charlottetown City Council, the NHL and NHLPA may have the issue that is going to force them to get something done. Yeah, that’s right, unless they get a deal done, Dominik Hasek is going to retire. Again. The 40-year-old Dominator made the threat last weekend while Gary Bettman was busy trying to sell the entire league off for a couple billion dollars and Bob Goodenow was off doing…well who the hell cares what he was doing. Hasek first retired in 2002 after winning the Stanley Cup with the Red Wings, but decided to return to the NHL after being charged in the Czech Republic for cross-checking a player in his local amateur league, sitting on him, and then hitting him in the back of the neck repeatedly with his stick. Hasek faced charges of up to $145 for his attack. Wow. That’s only $501,855 less than Bertuzzi got charged for hitting Moore. Poor Hasek. It’s a good thing he’s not Canadian or the NHL might have banned him from hockey too.
The protest ship The Farley Mowat belonging to the environmental group The Sea Shepard Conservation Society was detained by Transport Canada in Halifax last week after it was found that the ship was not environmentally sound for sea travel and that it did not meet oil pollution prevention standards. Calling the detainment political harassment, the captain left port with the Mowat on Friday en route to the Magdalene Islands to film the harp seal hunt. By Sunday, it was publicized that the Mowat, with 28 people from 10 countries on board, was stranded and taking on water in the Cabot Strait. It then had to be towed back to Halifax by the Canadian Coast Guard. At the cost of the taxpayer of course. This ridiculous story about a bunch of morons on the high seas is made even more idiotic by the fact that the group is represented by the always-suave Richard Dean Anderson of MacGyver. “MacGyver! The boat is sinking!” “Oh no! Quick, get me a fork, WD-40 and a cow!”
Legendary rapper and humanitarian 50 Cent has found his way back into the Much Music Top 30 Countdown this week with the romantically poignant ballad ‘Candy Shop.’ For those of you who have not heard it, a sampling of the poetic verse, seemingly directed at his one and only love, or at least his flavour of the week, reads “If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho.” and “In the hotel or in the back of the rental.” Listeners who are intellectually engaged and intrigued by the riveting lyrics, can visit 50’s website, which features a picture of him leveling an automatic rifle at the screen, which tastefully fires at the viewer as the page loads. Despite his gun-happy tendencies, I am rather quite amused by Mr. Cent’s attempts to prove how ‘gangsta’ he is, as I am with that of his good friend Lloyd Banks (author of the lyrically-rich ‘If You So Gangsta’). Some may think there is something wrong with promoting a lifestyle that results in the deaths of thousands of people every year, most notably among men within their own demographic, but hey, boys will be boys right?
Having said that, I am getting pretty sick of artists who insist on complaining all the time about how bad they have it and about how mentally strenuous it is to make millions of dollars for singing songs now and then. Does this not piss anyone else off? I mean J. Lo never shuts up about how real she is, i.e. ‘I’m Real,’ and ‘Jenny From the Block.’ I mean sure, she was born in the Bronx, but given the $1 billion insurance policy she took out on her own body, I doubt Jenny hangs around the block all that much anymore.
And who is this Lindsay Lohan character? I mean come on now, her voice is so digitally altered she may as well not sing at all and just dance around to an old remix of Cher or something. And talk about whiney. The very first single from her CD was Rumours, a song about how hard it is for her to deal with the overwhelming media attention everywhere she goes. Awwwww. Muffin. You know, if it’s so damn hard to deal with, then just shut the hell up and do something else. And not that I’m condemning your career direction or anything, but if you’re looking for an Amish-style peaceful life, dancing around in your underwear is not really the way to do it.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#22)
Well, clap your hands for the dancing morons. Yes, good old Gary “I left my self-respect in my other pants” Bettman and Bob “My head is way up my ass” Goodenow could not save the NHL season. I mean, come on, here are two guys that don’t have enough combined brain cells firing to figure out that the game they’re destroying is the same one that employs them. Nice one brainwave. The players don’t really have a valid argument to stand on either, I mean sure it’d be nice to have a few more bucks to gas-up your Hummer now and then, but if there’s no hockey, forget salary caps, there’s no salary, period. Idiots.
It’s not like the average salary is below the poverty line anyway. No player in the NHL makes under $180,000 a year. Yeah, good luck making that with a BA in Political Studies. I don’t know how much hockey you watch, but Aki Berg made $1.4 million last year. Aki Berg! He’s like a friggin pylon on skates. Jaromir Jagr made 11.3, which, if anyone’s counting, is roughly 100 times what our Prime Minister makes. I think its time to sit down, shut the hell up, and make some damn concessions. It’s pretty hard to collect $11.3 million in pogey.
Steve Moore, the Colorado Avalanche hockey player that was hospitalized after Vancouver Canuck Todd Bertuzzi sent him to the ice with a cheap shot was back in the news last week filing civil charges against Bertuzzi and others within the Canucks organization. OK Moore, we get it, you got hurt real bad in a hockey game and you want someone to pay for it. You’d think though, after Bertuzzi was banned from the NHL and the IIHF, was forced to pay over half a million dollars in fines (more than Moore would make in and entire year), was demonized by the media and in tears, publicly apologized to Moore and asked to speak with him personally, that Moore would have the common decency to give him a break. But no. Moore decided it’d be much more manly of him to deny Bertuzzi a personal audience with him and instead heap civil charges of assault, battery and negligence on Bertuzzi. Let me just say something here: Newsflash! Hockey is not for wusses. I should know, as a self-proclaimed wuss, I do not play the sport. Steve Moore knew damnwell when he elbowed Canuck captain Marcus Naslund in the face, giving him a concussion, that retribution was owed. When he wouldn’t face Bertuzzi man-to-man in a fight, Bertuzzi took him down. Granted, he took him down in an illegal and vicious manner, which was uncalled for, but this isn’t Peewee, Moore knew the rules, both written and unwritten. Although I don’t think Bertuzzi should’ve hammered Moore to the ice, I also don’t think Moore, a player-for-hire from the AHL, should’ve elbowed Vancouver;s finesse player Naslund in the face, nor should he be portrayed by the media as some innocent angel while Bertuzzi gets compared to Hitler and bin Laden. Participants in NHL hockey agree to certain inherent risks just by playing the sport. Alex Mogilny broke his femur, Ace Bailey fractured his skull, Clint Malachuk had his throat cut by an errant skate, Norman Lévillé suffered brain damage, Howie Morenz, perhaps one of the best ever players in the league, died at the age of 34, 6 weeks after breaking his leg in a freak accident on the ice. I’m not saying that violence is justified, but injuries do happen, intentional or otherwise, and Moore was under no illusions when he laced up his skates. Like flying or jumping off libraries or driving into oncoming traffic, these are the realities and risks that are associated with sport.
I think it was Toronto star Ace Bailey that said, after Eddie Shack hit him, fracturing his skull and ending his career “That’s alright Eddie, It’s all a part of the game.” So yeah Moore, it sucks you got hurt, but crying won’t change that. Try and get on with your life, and maybe salvage some dignity in the process. After the lawsuit was announced, Marcus Naslund came out and told the media that this move was nothing more than a money-grab for Moore, saying, “he’s suing everyone because he wasn’t a good enough hockey player to make a lucrative earning in the NHL.” Since I can describe Moore’s character no better, I will leave it at that.
And finally, for all you die-hard lovesick Valentine’s Day people, a man from Los Angeles, California landed in Manitoba hospital last week suffering from severe frostbite after attempting to walk from North Dakota to Winnipeg to see his girlfriend. The two had met online and the love-stricken man was so intent on meeting her that he decided to sneak across the Canadian border on foot. When asked for comment he said that he was unaware of what the weather conditions would be like. Hmmmm. Western Canada in February. What are the chances this guy voted Bush?
Have a good one!
It’s not like the average salary is below the poverty line anyway. No player in the NHL makes under $180,000 a year. Yeah, good luck making that with a BA in Political Studies. I don’t know how much hockey you watch, but Aki Berg made $1.4 million last year. Aki Berg! He’s like a friggin pylon on skates. Jaromir Jagr made 11.3, which, if anyone’s counting, is roughly 100 times what our Prime Minister makes. I think its time to sit down, shut the hell up, and make some damn concessions. It’s pretty hard to collect $11.3 million in pogey.
Steve Moore, the Colorado Avalanche hockey player that was hospitalized after Vancouver Canuck Todd Bertuzzi sent him to the ice with a cheap shot was back in the news last week filing civil charges against Bertuzzi and others within the Canucks organization. OK Moore, we get it, you got hurt real bad in a hockey game and you want someone to pay for it. You’d think though, after Bertuzzi was banned from the NHL and the IIHF, was forced to pay over half a million dollars in fines (more than Moore would make in and entire year), was demonized by the media and in tears, publicly apologized to Moore and asked to speak with him personally, that Moore would have the common decency to give him a break. But no. Moore decided it’d be much more manly of him to deny Bertuzzi a personal audience with him and instead heap civil charges of assault, battery and negligence on Bertuzzi. Let me just say something here: Newsflash! Hockey is not for wusses. I should know, as a self-proclaimed wuss, I do not play the sport. Steve Moore knew damnwell when he elbowed Canuck captain Marcus Naslund in the face, giving him a concussion, that retribution was owed. When he wouldn’t face Bertuzzi man-to-man in a fight, Bertuzzi took him down. Granted, he took him down in an illegal and vicious manner, which was uncalled for, but this isn’t Peewee, Moore knew the rules, both written and unwritten. Although I don’t think Bertuzzi should’ve hammered Moore to the ice, I also don’t think Moore, a player-for-hire from the AHL, should’ve elbowed Vancouver;s finesse player Naslund in the face, nor should he be portrayed by the media as some innocent angel while Bertuzzi gets compared to Hitler and bin Laden. Participants in NHL hockey agree to certain inherent risks just by playing the sport. Alex Mogilny broke his femur, Ace Bailey fractured his skull, Clint Malachuk had his throat cut by an errant skate, Norman Lévillé suffered brain damage, Howie Morenz, perhaps one of the best ever players in the league, died at the age of 34, 6 weeks after breaking his leg in a freak accident on the ice. I’m not saying that violence is justified, but injuries do happen, intentional or otherwise, and Moore was under no illusions when he laced up his skates. Like flying or jumping off libraries or driving into oncoming traffic, these are the realities and risks that are associated with sport.
I think it was Toronto star Ace Bailey that said, after Eddie Shack hit him, fracturing his skull and ending his career “That’s alright Eddie, It’s all a part of the game.” So yeah Moore, it sucks you got hurt, but crying won’t change that. Try and get on with your life, and maybe salvage some dignity in the process. After the lawsuit was announced, Marcus Naslund came out and told the media that this move was nothing more than a money-grab for Moore, saying, “he’s suing everyone because he wasn’t a good enough hockey player to make a lucrative earning in the NHL.” Since I can describe Moore’s character no better, I will leave it at that.
And finally, for all you die-hard lovesick Valentine’s Day people, a man from Los Angeles, California landed in Manitoba hospital last week suffering from severe frostbite after attempting to walk from North Dakota to Winnipeg to see his girlfriend. The two had met online and the love-stricken man was so intent on meeting her that he decided to sneak across the Canadian border on foot. When asked for comment he said that he was unaware of what the weather conditions would be like. Hmmmm. Western Canada in February. What are the chances this guy voted Bush?
Have a good one!
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#21)
In a stunning ceremony last week, the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (North Korea) released official government policy stating that long-haired men are immoral and that long-hair goes against the spirit of socialism. A new public announcement campaign now runs commercials entitled: "Let us trim our hair in accordance with socialist lifestyle." Yes. Let us trim our hair you wacky communist bastardy. Apparently the enlightened totalitarian regime of North Korea has discovered, through legitimate scientific sources of course, that long hair consumes nutrients and deprives the brain of much-needed energy. Now, I’m no Science Student, in fact, the only thing that I remember from high school biology is that ducks are arachnids, (Just kidding. They’re molluscs.) but I’m pretty sure that hair is made up mostly of dead cells and that it takes very little ‘brain energy.’ But you know, this theory could go a long way to explain the mental deficiencies of people like Billy Ray Cyrus and Ozzy Osbourne and Kenny G. While I would more likely attribute Ozzy’s lack of brain activity to years of his ‘recreational activities’ and Kenny G’s to multiple school-yard beatings as a child, who am I to argue with the science geniuses of North Korea? Either way, I say those old commies can’t be all that bad. Maybe it’s time we shook hands and got over all this nonsense about nuclear warheads and human rights violations and adopt some of their ideas. Hell, maybe we too should outlaw men’s long hair in North America and see what we can do about getting Michael Bolton executed.
His majesty Ralph Klein of Alberta has approved an initiative that will give tax-breaks for people who join fitness centres in the province, saying: "I think it’s a wonderful idea because I happen to belong to a gym." Yeah right Ralph. Klein has up to now been an exceptional role model for others in his province and right across this country, most notably in tearing apart the health care system, belittling easterners and in wandering into homeless shelters in a drunken stupor and calling the men there out-of-work slobs. No word yet on if people will also be offered tax breaks for joining AA.
Lock the door! The Hazelbrook disposal site is on fire again! Just in case you thought that things like the Springfield tire fire on The Simpsons only happened on TV, The Guardian reported last week that the infamous garbage pit in Hazelbrook is, indeed, once again aflame. Before the fire was extinguished, it had burned through December and into January, but one man reportedly said that he had smelled smoke as early as summer 2004 and saw smoke in September but "figured it was just steam." The heart-stopping drama seized the community once again last week when one eye-witness confirmed that he had seen actual flames coming up from the pit. "I think that’s the first time they had real flames." Well congratulations. Next week - "Hazelbrook: Shallow Gene Pool or Tainted Water?" Morons.
It was like a very bad dream. "Studios are going to make another remake!...of Footloose!...starring Britney Spears!" I don’t know whether to kick off my Sunday shoes or to run into on-coming traffic. Now typically I would assume that movie producers would have the common decency to only re-create those movies that contained the semblance of a logical plot and would try to improve on the original casting by hiring capable actors. I mean you don’t see them planning a remake of Battlefield Earth with Clay Aiken. These plans for Footloose, however, do not seem to follow my logic. Spears would not know acting if it punched her in the face and a story about a community that outlaws dancing on the basis that it is morally and physically dangerous was not plausible in 1984 and is not plausible now. That is, unless you live in Hazelbrook (‘Home of Burning Garbage’).
I received quite a few comments last week saying that my remarks about a student who was injured after jumping off Robertson Library were insensitive and cruel. I tried to explain that in my humble opinion, that anyone who does stupid stuff deserves what they get. One of my friends then reminded me of a time we went sledding a few years back when a member of our group, intent on inspiring excitement, came up with the brilliant idea of laying down on the hill and creating a human ramp by placing a sled on an angle and resting it on his head. Slope and angles, however, were not his strong suit, and so when someone came barreling down the hill, they hit the human ramp, which was not-so-conveniently placed at a 90̊ angle, at great speed, hit the ramp and stopped dead, thus transferring all the inertia in to the human ramp, delivering crushing pain to his head. To add insult to injury, after writhing around in pain on the ground for awhile (he later found out that the collision had torn many of the muscles in his chest) the human ramp decided it was time to go, jumped in his car, slid through the ice on the driveway, and drove directly into the ditch. If memory serves me correct his name was Ryan Gallant. Oops.
Have a good one!
His majesty Ralph Klein of Alberta has approved an initiative that will give tax-breaks for people who join fitness centres in the province, saying: "I think it’s a wonderful idea because I happen to belong to a gym." Yeah right Ralph. Klein has up to now been an exceptional role model for others in his province and right across this country, most notably in tearing apart the health care system, belittling easterners and in wandering into homeless shelters in a drunken stupor and calling the men there out-of-work slobs. No word yet on if people will also be offered tax breaks for joining AA.
Lock the door! The Hazelbrook disposal site is on fire again! Just in case you thought that things like the Springfield tire fire on The Simpsons only happened on TV, The Guardian reported last week that the infamous garbage pit in Hazelbrook is, indeed, once again aflame. Before the fire was extinguished, it had burned through December and into January, but one man reportedly said that he had smelled smoke as early as summer 2004 and saw smoke in September but "figured it was just steam." The heart-stopping drama seized the community once again last week when one eye-witness confirmed that he had seen actual flames coming up from the pit. "I think that’s the first time they had real flames." Well congratulations. Next week - "Hazelbrook: Shallow Gene Pool or Tainted Water?" Morons.
It was like a very bad dream. "Studios are going to make another remake!...of Footloose!...starring Britney Spears!" I don’t know whether to kick off my Sunday shoes or to run into on-coming traffic. Now typically I would assume that movie producers would have the common decency to only re-create those movies that contained the semblance of a logical plot and would try to improve on the original casting by hiring capable actors. I mean you don’t see them planning a remake of Battlefield Earth with Clay Aiken. These plans for Footloose, however, do not seem to follow my logic. Spears would not know acting if it punched her in the face and a story about a community that outlaws dancing on the basis that it is morally and physically dangerous was not plausible in 1984 and is not plausible now. That is, unless you live in Hazelbrook (‘Home of Burning Garbage’).
I received quite a few comments last week saying that my remarks about a student who was injured after jumping off Robertson Library were insensitive and cruel. I tried to explain that in my humble opinion, that anyone who does stupid stuff deserves what they get. One of my friends then reminded me of a time we went sledding a few years back when a member of our group, intent on inspiring excitement, came up with the brilliant idea of laying down on the hill and creating a human ramp by placing a sled on an angle and resting it on his head. Slope and angles, however, were not his strong suit, and so when someone came barreling down the hill, they hit the human ramp, which was not-so-conveniently placed at a 90̊ angle, at great speed, hit the ramp and stopped dead, thus transferring all the inertia in to the human ramp, delivering crushing pain to his head. To add insult to injury, after writhing around in pain on the ground for awhile (he later found out that the collision had torn many of the muscles in his chest) the human ramp decided it was time to go, jumped in his car, slid through the ice on the driveway, and drove directly into the ditch. If memory serves me correct his name was Ryan Gallant. Oops.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#20)
It would seem that when snow starts falling from the sky here on PEI drivers everywhere randomly lapse into a collective state of dementia and irrationality, almost instantly forgetting how to operate a motor vehicle and how to perform the simplest of tasks, namely using a turn signal. It is my theory that with each 10 centimetres of snow, the average Island driver drops about 34 IQ points. Except for hockey Moms driving mini-vans and SUVs. They drop at least double that.
Speaking of which, why do non-students who use the Sports Centre and CARI facility get to park wherever the hell they want on campus? We students, who pay upwards of two left arms to come to UPEI and have to deal with the UPEI Parking Gestapo every damn day, and after paying $80 parking fees, are still not guaranteed parking places anywhere within the same time zone as our classes. A large reason for this is because the CARI facility and UPEI Administration figured it would be a good idea to take out a few existing parking lots and build a massive 300-space parking lot that goes, for the most part, unused, as it is closed off to students during the day. I would like to meet the brainwave who came up with this stellar idea. It wouldn’t even bother me that much if the CARI lot was put to good use, like maybe as a parking area for people that utilize the facility. But nooo. It seems that they would rather park along the road and in the no-parking areas in front of the Sports Centre, impeding traffic and taking away spots for students who have night courses.
Now, you would think that, given the near-orgasmic joy that Security seems to get out of towing student cars away, they would simply explode into psychotic fits of senseless euphoria at the sight of so many vehicles violating every known parking regulation at UPEI. So what do they do? Not a damn thing. Whether they are just making another coffee run to Tim Horton’s or are too busy not answering the phone, it seems that Security only gets their kicks out of penalizing people who least deserve it and can least afford it.
Proof that PEI drivers do not have a monopoly in snow-induced stupidity, a UPEI student was hospitalized last week after jumping off the roof of Robertson Library into a pile of snow that just happened to be located over piles of concrete bricks. Nice one genius. In addition to losing a great deal of his dignity, this student came away from the jump/fall with a few broken vertebrae, thus requiring a plough to create a path in the middle of a storm so as to enable an ambulance to get to him. For once, I truly am sorry. I do feel your pain and hope that your recovery is a rapid and complete one. Just don’t expect to win any Brightness Awards for 2005.
Hold the phone! Jenny from the block wants a name change! No more J.Lo! Riiight. So you use your fame and fortune to shamelessly parade around in your own corpulence while insisting you’re still as ghetto as everyone else and then decide you don’t want people to call you by the nickname that you made up for yourself anymore? Listen dear: you’re about as ghetto as my family out in Rustico. Besides, hasn’t anyone ever told you that it’s not cool to make up nicknames for yourself? You may be able to push around your little husband Marc Anthony, but the general public is not at your mercy. When you swim in a talent pool as shallow as your own and when your 15 minutes as Jenny or J.Lo or Bennifer or whoever are quickly ticking away you should remember that the entertainment world is a fickle place. I would suggest that you stop ordering people around before they get tired of your antics. Sure, maybe they’ll stop calling you J.Lo; but instead they may start calling you what they’ve been calling good old Marc Anthony for years: Done.
The number one cause of migraines and road rage seems poised to rear its ugly head again. Yes, you guessed it: The Backstreet Boys have announced that they will release another album sometime this year. Does this not seem wrong to anyone else? First of all, nothing about these guys denotes anything “backstreet” and the oldest “boy” is now probably closer to his first pension cheque than to his brush with puberty. Now that their original hardcore fans are now pushing 30, I think a name change, if not death by packs of rabid wolves, would be the very least they could do to improve their image. It seems a more apt name for them would now be The Suburban White-Trash Middle-Aged Yuppies That Should’ve Been Put Out of Their Misery a Good Ten Years Ago.
Oh, but don’t get me wrong, if you have no problem letting 12 and 13 year old girls worship 48 year-old alcoholics, you’re entitled to your own opinion, just as long as you realize that I’m right and that your opinion is totally wrong. And I know I am going to get at least 94 emails saying, “Ryan, you idiot, the oldest Backstreet Boy is Kevin ‘Kevy-Kev’ Richardson and he was born on October 3rd, 1972 and he’s only 32 and he had green eyes and he loves Elton John and his favorite dessert is Reese’s Pieces Sundaes.” Yes. These types of people scare the hell out of me. Just don’t expect to see many people waiting in line for tickets other than prostitots and 26-year-old fans still living somewhere back in 1995. Well, them and Paul Allen.
Have a good one!
Speaking of which, why do non-students who use the Sports Centre and CARI facility get to park wherever the hell they want on campus? We students, who pay upwards of two left arms to come to UPEI and have to deal with the UPEI Parking Gestapo every damn day, and after paying $80 parking fees, are still not guaranteed parking places anywhere within the same time zone as our classes. A large reason for this is because the CARI facility and UPEI Administration figured it would be a good idea to take out a few existing parking lots and build a massive 300-space parking lot that goes, for the most part, unused, as it is closed off to students during the day. I would like to meet the brainwave who came up with this stellar idea. It wouldn’t even bother me that much if the CARI lot was put to good use, like maybe as a parking area for people that utilize the facility. But nooo. It seems that they would rather park along the road and in the no-parking areas in front of the Sports Centre, impeding traffic and taking away spots for students who have night courses.
Now, you would think that, given the near-orgasmic joy that Security seems to get out of towing student cars away, they would simply explode into psychotic fits of senseless euphoria at the sight of so many vehicles violating every known parking regulation at UPEI. So what do they do? Not a damn thing. Whether they are just making another coffee run to Tim Horton’s or are too busy not answering the phone, it seems that Security only gets their kicks out of penalizing people who least deserve it and can least afford it.
Proof that PEI drivers do not have a monopoly in snow-induced stupidity, a UPEI student was hospitalized last week after jumping off the roof of Robertson Library into a pile of snow that just happened to be located over piles of concrete bricks. Nice one genius. In addition to losing a great deal of his dignity, this student came away from the jump/fall with a few broken vertebrae, thus requiring a plough to create a path in the middle of a storm so as to enable an ambulance to get to him. For once, I truly am sorry. I do feel your pain and hope that your recovery is a rapid and complete one. Just don’t expect to win any Brightness Awards for 2005.
Hold the phone! Jenny from the block wants a name change! No more J.Lo! Riiight. So you use your fame and fortune to shamelessly parade around in your own corpulence while insisting you’re still as ghetto as everyone else and then decide you don’t want people to call you by the nickname that you made up for yourself anymore? Listen dear: you’re about as ghetto as my family out in Rustico. Besides, hasn’t anyone ever told you that it’s not cool to make up nicknames for yourself? You may be able to push around your little husband Marc Anthony, but the general public is not at your mercy. When you swim in a talent pool as shallow as your own and when your 15 minutes as Jenny or J.Lo or Bennifer or whoever are quickly ticking away you should remember that the entertainment world is a fickle place. I would suggest that you stop ordering people around before they get tired of your antics. Sure, maybe they’ll stop calling you J.Lo; but instead they may start calling you what they’ve been calling good old Marc Anthony for years: Done.
The number one cause of migraines and road rage seems poised to rear its ugly head again. Yes, you guessed it: The Backstreet Boys have announced that they will release another album sometime this year. Does this not seem wrong to anyone else? First of all, nothing about these guys denotes anything “backstreet” and the oldest “boy” is now probably closer to his first pension cheque than to his brush with puberty. Now that their original hardcore fans are now pushing 30, I think a name change, if not death by packs of rabid wolves, would be the very least they could do to improve their image. It seems a more apt name for them would now be The Suburban White-Trash Middle-Aged Yuppies That Should’ve Been Put Out of Their Misery a Good Ten Years Ago.
Oh, but don’t get me wrong, if you have no problem letting 12 and 13 year old girls worship 48 year-old alcoholics, you’re entitled to your own opinion, just as long as you realize that I’m right and that your opinion is totally wrong. And I know I am going to get at least 94 emails saying, “Ryan, you idiot, the oldest Backstreet Boy is Kevin ‘Kevy-Kev’ Richardson and he was born on October 3rd, 1972 and he’s only 32 and he had green eyes and he loves Elton John and his favorite dessert is Reese’s Pieces Sundaes.” Yes. These types of people scare the hell out of me. Just don’t expect to see many people waiting in line for tickets other than prostitots and 26-year-old fans still living somewhere back in 1995. Well, them and Paul Allen.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#19)
Well student loans are back in season and once again and university students are being told, among other things, that they make way too much money. Riiight. Tuition has quadrupled in the last decade and students are trying to get more money to pay for it? Damned students. Yes, you’re right, we students are dirty little monsters hoarding our piles of part-time employment money under our beds while we throw away their precious loans on any filthy pleasure that strikes our fancy, like food. God forbid. Since when is living near the poverty line “too much money?”
The seemingly impossible occurred this past week when UPEI Administration decided to cancel classes at UPEI first thing in the morning. Weird. It is usually customary to wait until everyone is at school already, and THEN cancel classes so that students will be able to experience driving in the worst possible conditions. There is a rumour on campus that in the event of the impending apocalypse, the cancellation announcements on Magic 93 would sound something like this: Paul Allen: (in his infinite wisdom) “The world has come to and end…Classes will continue as scheduled at UPEI.”
I was shocked to hear, that last week, for the first time in human history, that the Eastern School District was closed for the day while the Western District remained open. Back in my day I recall trudging through driving snow, following behind ploughs, even having the bus ditched once or twice, but we never just up and cancelled school for no damn reason. Meanwhile, over in the Western District, anything more than a slight breeze blowing the Canadian flag above TOSH would incite the declaration of a disaster area and close the entire Western District for days on end. Times have changed I guess. Take THAT Westisle. Punks.
Once again the British Royal family has shown that they are way ahead of the intellectual curve, as Prince Harry decided it would be a fantastic idea to dress up as a Nazi for a costume party. Good one Harry. Pursuant to his actions, the European Union is now considering banning Nazi symbols. What? Already? You think you’d give them a chance to redeem themselves. Or, and this is just a suggestion here, maybe they could’ve banned them back when the Nazis were tearing across Europe and systematically murdering 8 million people. But I mean, come on, that was 60 years ago right? I guess Prince Harry thinks we should just get over it already. Dumbass.
Well those in the upper echelons of the Bush administration celebrated their extended four years in the White House last week, re-iterating their lofty ideals of world peace and democracy by announcing that “America stands with the oppressed people on every continent, in Cuba and Burma and North Korea and Iran, and Zimbabwe.” Although Bush mentioned ‘every continent’ it is yet unclear what oppressed people he was talking about in North America. It is assumed he was not referring to the poverty stricken and destitute Americans who are still suffering from his first term in office. In his speech during his $40 million inauguration last Thursday, he also stated that “All those who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know: The United States will not ignore your oppression, or excuse your oppressors. When you stand for liberty, we stand with you.” Given the deaths of 100,000 Iraqi civilians since the beginning of “Operation Enduring Freedom,” the “oppressed” of the world are beginning to wonder if they really want the Americans standing with them. Never before has freedom been so aggressively forced on the “unfree” of the world.
Finally, Charlottetown City Council passed a resolution last week stating that the NHL and the NHLPA should get back to the bargaining table to resolve the current lockout. Oh no! Not the incredible power of the Charlottetown City Council! I can just imagine the meetings called after word reached both sides of the disputing factions, with Gary Bettman and Bob Goodenow wringing their hands in despair. “Oh no! We’ve pissed off Charlottetown,” and “Seeing as Charlottetown City Council has so much bearing on world events we’d better do what they say!” What can only be assumed to be a direct result of the Council meeting, negotiations re-opened soon after. Following this success, Charlottetown City Council now intends to tackle the issues of global terrorism and nuclear arms proliferation.
Have a good one!
The seemingly impossible occurred this past week when UPEI Administration decided to cancel classes at UPEI first thing in the morning. Weird. It is usually customary to wait until everyone is at school already, and THEN cancel classes so that students will be able to experience driving in the worst possible conditions. There is a rumour on campus that in the event of the impending apocalypse, the cancellation announcements on Magic 93 would sound something like this: Paul Allen: (in his infinite wisdom) “The world has come to and end…Classes will continue as scheduled at UPEI.”
I was shocked to hear, that last week, for the first time in human history, that the Eastern School District was closed for the day while the Western District remained open. Back in my day I recall trudging through driving snow, following behind ploughs, even having the bus ditched once or twice, but we never just up and cancelled school for no damn reason. Meanwhile, over in the Western District, anything more than a slight breeze blowing the Canadian flag above TOSH would incite the declaration of a disaster area and close the entire Western District for days on end. Times have changed I guess. Take THAT Westisle. Punks.
Once again the British Royal family has shown that they are way ahead of the intellectual curve, as Prince Harry decided it would be a fantastic idea to dress up as a Nazi for a costume party. Good one Harry. Pursuant to his actions, the European Union is now considering banning Nazi symbols. What? Already? You think you’d give them a chance to redeem themselves. Or, and this is just a suggestion here, maybe they could’ve banned them back when the Nazis were tearing across Europe and systematically murdering 8 million people. But I mean, come on, that was 60 years ago right? I guess Prince Harry thinks we should just get over it already. Dumbass.
Well those in the upper echelons of the Bush administration celebrated their extended four years in the White House last week, re-iterating their lofty ideals of world peace and democracy by announcing that “America stands with the oppressed people on every continent, in Cuba and Burma and North Korea and Iran, and Zimbabwe.” Although Bush mentioned ‘every continent’ it is yet unclear what oppressed people he was talking about in North America. It is assumed he was not referring to the poverty stricken and destitute Americans who are still suffering from his first term in office. In his speech during his $40 million inauguration last Thursday, he also stated that “All those who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know: The United States will not ignore your oppression, or excuse your oppressors. When you stand for liberty, we stand with you.” Given the deaths of 100,000 Iraqi civilians since the beginning of “Operation Enduring Freedom,” the “oppressed” of the world are beginning to wonder if they really want the Americans standing with them. Never before has freedom been so aggressively forced on the “unfree” of the world.
Finally, Charlottetown City Council passed a resolution last week stating that the NHL and the NHLPA should get back to the bargaining table to resolve the current lockout. Oh no! Not the incredible power of the Charlottetown City Council! I can just imagine the meetings called after word reached both sides of the disputing factions, with Gary Bettman and Bob Goodenow wringing their hands in despair. “Oh no! We’ve pissed off Charlottetown,” and “Seeing as Charlottetown City Council has so much bearing on world events we’d better do what they say!” What can only be assumed to be a direct result of the Council meeting, negotiations re-opened soon after. Following this success, Charlottetown City Council now intends to tackle the issues of global terrorism and nuclear arms proliferation.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#18)
So I think I’ve had just about as much as I can stand of people I don’t know and relatives I’ve never seen pretending that they care what is going on in my life. "How’s school going?" "Was Santa good to you?" Who the hell cares? Obviously you don’t know enough about me to formulate a half-sensible question, so don’t think I’ll be offended if you spare me your stupid-ass and redundant questions. Frig.
Well, the Russians certainly had their asses handed to them last week as Canada decimated those communist show-boaters in the final game of the IIHF World Junior Championships. Canada once again showed that while we may suck at a lot of other stuff (i.e. NBA basketball, running a military, Celine Dion, etc.), that we are still the world super-power when it comes to hockey. Canada dominated the opposition throughout the tournament out-scoring them 41-7 and capped the final game by demoralizing the Russians 6-1, winning for Canada its first World Juniors title in 8 years. "Eight years?" you say. "That doesn’t seem like much of a super-power to me." Well that may be true, if Canada did not also hold the Olympic, World Cup and World Champion titles now as well.
It was announced this past month that Tom Ridge, the first ever director of the Department of Homeland Security in the US, will be stepping down rather than sticking around for another kick at the can with the administration of Bush n’ friends. It has been said that Ridge’s most decisive accomplishment in the 3 years since he took the position was creating the Homeland Security Advisory System, a system that indicates, based on intelligence, what the level of threat is of a terrorist attack in the US. Wow. Good job Tommy! You may as well retire, few get to savour the glory of creating a national colour-coding scheme. And apparently it works. Not one foreign-sponsored terrorist attack has taken place on US soil since he took over the DHS. This could mean one of three things, 1) The "Elevated" (or "Yellow") level of Ridge’s precious scale means squat, 2) assigning pretty colours according to threat levels can truly unite the US, in fear if nothing else, or 3) bombing 3rd world countries into the Stone Age works.
Anne McRae showed up her counterpart Paul Allen last month by proving that he was not the only dumb ass on island radio. I swear, I could not make this up: "The temperature was minus 7 degrees this morning but has now apparently gone up...to minus 8." Niiice.
Alright, so 9/10ths of the people that live on this island are totally insane. I mean, driving around town on a regular day is bad enough with the lack of signal use, with seniors driving Queen Vics at .2 kph and high school punks revving souped-up Civics and Neons up and down the Ave. But try dumping 50+ cm. in the middle of Boxing Day and you’ll find the true meaning of semi-demonic morons. Inside the stores it went from bad to worse, and the peace and joy and love that people were preaching only the day before seemed to somehow get lost as they beat each other senseless with boxes to save 10% on wrapping paper and toaster ovens.
Well, in the midst of the recovery effort following the tsunami in Asia on December 26th, the world showed an out-pouring of support for the victims of the disaster, sending money and aid to the region by the billions. By last week foreign aid workers were scrounging the rubble, manning field hospitals and helping in any way they could in the stricken regions. I certainly salute the grand gestures of the western world over the past few weeks, but it also makes me wonder, where the hell do we go when the disaster’s over? Seriously, when CNN shuts off its cameras, how long will it take for us to stop caring? Last Friday, as the death toll in Asia was rising above 150,000, already notable news organizations...and the Guardian, were already turning to "more pressing" local issues. The front page Guardian, instead of pursuing the "old news" story of killer tsunamis, chose some guy in the Crick whose shed moved in a tidal surge and a picture of two guys in Stratford spraying hose water erratically on some outdoor rink. I mean come on, sure its hard to stay focussed on a disaster thousands of miles away when we could just as easily turn the page or switch the channel to Survivor, but this is a reality that millions of people live every day. I have heard many questions over the past week, "How can our government find $80 million to send to them when we have problems here?" "Why didn’t Asia just build a warning system?" It is an insult to compare shortfalls in healthcare or issues such as high tuition to the day-to-day lives of these people. And you’re saying, "Yeah, here goes Ryan again, that commie bleeding-heart liberal." But I am not just talking about the pain in Asia. I am talking about the people who lived in huts on those beaches before the waves hit. The people who weren’t even affected by the tsunami, and still have nothing. The millions of people in Africa who have died of AIDS, the thousands of people who will die today, who will die tomorrow and the next day of starvation and disease. What about Rwanda or Somalia? What about Sudan, where thousands have died in the past few months? How many people remember the earthquake in Bam, Iran in 2003 that killed 40,000 people? Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking the relief effort in Asia, nor would I trivialize an event as significant as September 11th, but thousands of people die needlessly every day. The out-pouring of aid in times of disaster seem oft more aimed at settling our guilt than actually fixing the problem. Getting off our asses to donate once every few years may placate out diluted conscience, but it doesn’t feed the hungry nor save the dying.
Well, the Russians certainly had their asses handed to them last week as Canada decimated those communist show-boaters in the final game of the IIHF World Junior Championships. Canada once again showed that while we may suck at a lot of other stuff (i.e. NBA basketball, running a military, Celine Dion, etc.), that we are still the world super-power when it comes to hockey. Canada dominated the opposition throughout the tournament out-scoring them 41-7 and capped the final game by demoralizing the Russians 6-1, winning for Canada its first World Juniors title in 8 years. "Eight years?" you say. "That doesn’t seem like much of a super-power to me." Well that may be true, if Canada did not also hold the Olympic, World Cup and World Champion titles now as well.
It was announced this past month that Tom Ridge, the first ever director of the Department of Homeland Security in the US, will be stepping down rather than sticking around for another kick at the can with the administration of Bush n’ friends. It has been said that Ridge’s most decisive accomplishment in the 3 years since he took the position was creating the Homeland Security Advisory System, a system that indicates, based on intelligence, what the level of threat is of a terrorist attack in the US. Wow. Good job Tommy! You may as well retire, few get to savour the glory of creating a national colour-coding scheme. And apparently it works. Not one foreign-sponsored terrorist attack has taken place on US soil since he took over the DHS. This could mean one of three things, 1) The "Elevated" (or "Yellow") level of Ridge’s precious scale means squat, 2) assigning pretty colours according to threat levels can truly unite the US, in fear if nothing else, or 3) bombing 3rd world countries into the Stone Age works.
Anne McRae showed up her counterpart Paul Allen last month by proving that he was not the only dumb ass on island radio. I swear, I could not make this up: "The temperature was minus 7 degrees this morning but has now apparently gone up...to minus 8." Niiice.
Alright, so 9/10ths of the people that live on this island are totally insane. I mean, driving around town on a regular day is bad enough with the lack of signal use, with seniors driving Queen Vics at .2 kph and high school punks revving souped-up Civics and Neons up and down the Ave. But try dumping 50+ cm. in the middle of Boxing Day and you’ll find the true meaning of semi-demonic morons. Inside the stores it went from bad to worse, and the peace and joy and love that people were preaching only the day before seemed to somehow get lost as they beat each other senseless with boxes to save 10% on wrapping paper and toaster ovens.
Well, in the midst of the recovery effort following the tsunami in Asia on December 26th, the world showed an out-pouring of support for the victims of the disaster, sending money and aid to the region by the billions. By last week foreign aid workers were scrounging the rubble, manning field hospitals and helping in any way they could in the stricken regions. I certainly salute the grand gestures of the western world over the past few weeks, but it also makes me wonder, where the hell do we go when the disaster’s over? Seriously, when CNN shuts off its cameras, how long will it take for us to stop caring? Last Friday, as the death toll in Asia was rising above 150,000, already notable news organizations...and the Guardian, were already turning to "more pressing" local issues. The front page Guardian, instead of pursuing the "old news" story of killer tsunamis, chose some guy in the Crick whose shed moved in a tidal surge and a picture of two guys in Stratford spraying hose water erratically on some outdoor rink. I mean come on, sure its hard to stay focussed on a disaster thousands of miles away when we could just as easily turn the page or switch the channel to Survivor, but this is a reality that millions of people live every day. I have heard many questions over the past week, "How can our government find $80 million to send to them when we have problems here?" "Why didn’t Asia just build a warning system?" It is an insult to compare shortfalls in healthcare or issues such as high tuition to the day-to-day lives of these people. And you’re saying, "Yeah, here goes Ryan again, that commie bleeding-heart liberal." But I am not just talking about the pain in Asia. I am talking about the people who lived in huts on those beaches before the waves hit. The people who weren’t even affected by the tsunami, and still have nothing. The millions of people in Africa who have died of AIDS, the thousands of people who will die today, who will die tomorrow and the next day of starvation and disease. What about Rwanda or Somalia? What about Sudan, where thousands have died in the past few months? How many people remember the earthquake in Bam, Iran in 2003 that killed 40,000 people? Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking the relief effort in Asia, nor would I trivialize an event as significant as September 11th, but thousands of people die needlessly every day. The out-pouring of aid in times of disaster seem oft more aimed at settling our guilt than actually fixing the problem. Getting off our asses to donate once every few years may placate out diluted conscience, but it doesn’t feed the hungry nor save the dying.
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