While writing papers last week, (and by writing papers I mean talking on MSN and updating my Facebook), my procrastination was interrupted by a phenomenal new website designed for the hippest people in town. Yes, brownscourt.com has hit the web. This wonderful little website has vowed to allow anyone and everyone to post any shit they want with complete access and anonymity, taking the full brunt of any legal ramifications, one presumes. Words cannot express how flattered I was to be featured as the topic of the very first post to this new site. It is such an honour to be recognized by such an innovative and essential part of our community. And not be out-shined, the first post: ‘ryan g. doesnt know shit’ [sic] was quite an amazing piece of work. So amazing, in fact, that I decided a complete replication of the article was warranted, and so here it is (with my own accompanying commentary, of course):
Note: I apologize for the incredibly terrible spelling and grammar. Everything appears as it was originally published online.
“Anybody ever read the SU president’s blog in the Cadre? Dude doesnt know jack shit.”
As you correctly noted, my rant is published in The Cadre. Although I apparently do not know “jack shit,” I at least know that this form of publication would be what we in the English language commonly refer to as a ‘newspaper article.’ ‘Blogs’ appear online, and are not always, (but, having visited brownscourt.com, are apparently sometimes), written by people who "don't know jack shit". Further Note: As I am not exactly sure who this phenom of an author is, and assuming that the author is a male, given the fact that he referred to me as a “F***ing woman” at one point, will be referred to as Mr. Jack Shit for the remainder of this article.
“Why doesnt US invade North Korea?” Well, since the last invasion hasnt sparked that much love on the president… I dont think invading another country is the thing to do right away.”
I see that along the inability to spell half of the words in the English language, you are also unfamiliar with sarcasm. That’s terrible! Here’s an early Christmas gift from me to you, Jack: www.dictionary.com. Check it out sometime.
“As for your brilliant breakdown of magic 93…just because you dont like the damn music makes you a f***in expert or what? I’m not a Timberlake fan, but he is out there making millions while you are in uni making shitty columns for school papers.”
Sigh. You had to bring up Magic 93. So I hate Magic 93, get over it. I’ve explained many times where this irrational hatred of Paul and Anne comes from. So sue me. A little angst never hurt anyone. Anyways, what’s your beef with Timberlake? While you seem to think I am a huge Justin-basher, he hasn’t been mentioned in any of my rants since February 2004, and that was for ripping off Janet Jackson’s bra at the Superbowl. Get with the times kid. Do you have a little obsession with Mr. Sexy Back or something? And holy frig, if you’re referencing my articles from three years ago, are you maybe a little obsessed with the rant too? That’s kind of scary, Mr. Shit. But yes, I get your point, many of the people I satirize in my rant are richer and better looking and more talented than me. What a travesty. And yes, I am sitting here like a damn fool writing my rant for The Cadre and not making millions of dollars. In fact, I’m not making any damn money for them at all. Imagine. But you’re the moron sitting around writing blogs devoted to bashing my rants and my bullshit opinions. Your rant is about how my rants about other people are stupid. Look in a mirror, there moron. And how do you have this much time on your hands? If it’s because you skipped out on English 101 all semester, that would explain a whole hell of a lot.
“About the whole “music is blood…” ordeal: Shakespeare said shit close to that or even more wacked out and they call him a literary genious.”
I’m gonna have to stop you there, cowboy. The direct quote from the band ‘Dead Celebrity Status’ was: “Music is blood, blood is oxygen, breathe it in.” Um… no. Pretty sure Shakespeare didn’t say shit like that. You see, he was at least aware of the technical aspects of the English language, and was likely at least vaguely aware of what a proper metaphor was. And I have absolutely no issue with them saying “Music is Blood” or “Music is Oxygen” or “Music is Crack Cocaine” or whatever, because bands say stupid shit like that all the time. My problem is with the dumb-ass bands trying to make themselves seem more profound or emotionally thoughtful by referring to mundane and morbid objects or making lame attempts at dark poetry. But yes, you’re probably right, Dead Celebrity Status is definitely in line to follow Shakespeare into artistic infamy. Idiot.
“Im sure is isnt as easy as putting on eye shadow or getting tatoos to be musicians, otherwise I may as well say f*** this, prick my skin, and go get myself a record deal from Sony rapping about how I just lost my girl to a chimney sweep named Moe. What makes the shit legit is that the phrase “lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off” is pretty much true. Think about it.”
I have no opinion on this paragraph. Maybe if it made sense and I could actually understand what you were trying to say, I would be offended, but I honestly have no sweet clue how you manage to communicate on a day-to-day basis. And I agree; it takes more than eye shadow or tattoos to be a musician. And it takes more than breast implants and eating disorders and metaphors and references to death, blood, and suicide. So yeah, I don’t know why you decided to agree with me on that point, but sure. And the chimney sweep named Moe was a nice touch.
Anyways, Jack Shit, I guess my point is that there are many ways to contribute to a campus community, and whether you agree or not that my rant is a part of this university, your rant about my rants is in itself a recognition that it is, and I was not kidding when I said I was honoured to be mentioned on your special little website. Imitation, they say, is the sincerest form of flattery. I would suggest two things, however. First, that you maybe show some more respect towards the women on campus, mostly because they deserve it, but also because they constitute 65% of the student population, and could kick your ass. And secondly, that if you’re trying to make a contribution to this community with your website, try and recognize the hundreds of students who have gone above and beyond to build and maintain this community before you came along. Be it through any organization, group, program, initiative, article, protest, ceremony, or whatever, I know many who have been tirelessly involved in innumerable things here at UPEI and have done them all to the very best of their ability. I am most comfortable in criticizing stupid articles like your own, because I am fairly confident that without any like contribution, you have no leg to stand on in terms of critiquing the work of those around you. So Merry Christmas to you, Mr. Shit, and have a wonderful New Year’s in Brown’s Court.
And if you’re going to keep ranting in competition with mine, I suggest you catch up first. This is number 44. Good luck.
Have a good one, and Happy Holidays!
