(by Ryan Gallant and Adam Carragher)
...And suddenly, it’s that time of year again. Students, either out of celebration, sheer desperation, or just as an escape from the inevitable final exams, flock to the doors of their faithful pubs to meet with friends, to talk quietly (albeit incoherently) over a few drinks, or to drink to the point that they forget who they are, what they have been doing for the past few hours, and why they are making out with some random person in an abandoned alley adjacent to Myron’s. Whether you enjoy the occasional drink yourself, or would rather just watch other people make idiots of themselves, drinking is an integral part of a university student’s life, a way for the late-paper depressed and the final exam-stressed student to kick off his or her proverbial boots and to have a good time. Given our extensive experience in this particular field, we, Adam Carragher and Ryan Gallant, the authors that brought you such infamous articles as ‘The Bathroom Edition I & II’, have decided to write an article on alcohol and it’s effects on the average member of the UPEI student body. I think that Homer Simpson put it best when he declared, "Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems." And so to this, our wonderful friend, our despised enemy, we highlight the great things it has done, and the idiots that it brings out.
1) The Emotional Drunk: This is your average recent break-up, the lost dog or the failed course. This could be someone you’ve never spoken to in your life, but someone who, through the influence of alcohol, feels compelled to share his/her life story with you, a story most certainly racked with tragedy and with helpful doses of nostalgia. Contrary to what you may believe, this is when this person is the most honest. Most of what any emotional drunk says is the honest-to-God truth. Warning: It is not permissible to use these revelations against them on Monday. Just listen up and take notes. How to deal: A hug or a pat on the back and a sincere "Everything will be alright" usually does the trick. If you want, they can often use a shoulder to cry on as well.
2) The Socialite: He/she is everybody’s best friend. They could have been in one of your classes back in high school, or maybe you went to camp with them back when you were 7, but you are now their long lost buddy. Everyone gets a handshake (though anything other than a high five is often too elaborate for those inebriated), a hug, or even a kiss. Bathroom conversation, usually taboo (in the men’s washroom anyway), suddenly becomes a grand show of comradery. "Hey! You’re my neighbour’s friend from Biology 101's cousin!" "HEY! No I’m not! But who cares?!" High fives all around. These people make everyone’s night that much better, either by their stumbling around like a moron down Kent Street or around Brown’s Court with no known destination, other than to the next new best friend that they’re about to meet. How to deal: Just smile and nod, and let them have their fun.
3) The False Start: This is a trooper. Someone who has fought the battle well, but has ultimately lost. This is your typical chugger, someone who does not know the meaning of the phrase "cut off." For a minute there, this person is king of the world, running the race and winning. They’re social and interesting, perhaps a bit overambitious in terms of intake, but they seem alright. And then suddenly, it’s K.O., flat on their face and out for the night. By the time they wake up, often in a flower bed or a pizza box, everyone’s gone home, the party’s over, and the pounding of the previous night’s music has taken up residence in their head. Perhaps it was exclusive only to Bluefield, but these are the people who were found half in and half out of the tent, often with parts of their sneakers burnt, or was the guy who always wound up in the middle of some farmer’s field, missing some key articles of clothing. How to deal: Clothe the naked, feed the hungry. Shave an eyebrow? Optional.
4) Ten Feet Tall and Bullet-Proof (T.F.T.B.P.): Ever hear that song "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better?" Yeah, well so did this one, and they actually think that it applies directly to them. They can dance better, run faster and fight tougher than anyone on earth. They are obviously drop dead sexy and 10x more charming when they’re drunk, a fact that they enjoy showing off by throwing snowballs at cops or by telling hilarious jokes, often recounting the same ones 10-12 consecutive times. How to deal: They are the best there has ever been or ever will be at anything and everything in the world. Don’t bother telling them any different. They will not believe you.
And finally:
5) The Horny Bastard: This is your ass-grabber and the cheesy pick-up line user. They may have had a crush on you for awhile, or perhaps their alcohol-induced state has just changed their perception. They think you’re hot, and they don’t mind telling you this. Perhaps normally the shy and subdued type, this person often loses many of their inhibitions, with varying results. They often have interesting stories to hear about themselves the next day. How to deal: Tell them you’re not interested. Unless of course you are. If all else fails, a good punch in the face or a kick to the groin usually goes a long way to bringing them back to reality.
And so, as we leave our school for another year, perhaps this time forever, let us remember to embrace the good times, to learn from the bad, and whenever possible, to raise a glass in celebration of another year gone, another course earned, and another summer break in the company of friends.
Drink Responsibly.
Have a good one!
