In a stunning ceremony last week, the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (North Korea) released official government policy stating that long-haired men are immoral and that long-hair goes against the spirit of socialism. A new public announcement campaign now runs commercials entitled: "Let us trim our hair in accordance with socialist lifestyle." Yes. Let us trim our hair you wacky communist bastardy. Apparently the enlightened totalitarian regime of North Korea has discovered, through legitimate scientific sources of course, that long hair consumes nutrients and deprives the brain of much-needed energy. Now, I’m no Science Student, in fact, the only thing that I remember from high school biology is that ducks are arachnids, (Just kidding. They’re molluscs.) but I’m pretty sure that hair is made up mostly of dead cells and that it takes very little ‘brain energy.’ But you know, this theory could go a long way to explain the mental deficiencies of people like Billy Ray Cyrus and Ozzy Osbourne and Kenny G. While I would more likely attribute Ozzy’s lack of brain activity to years of his ‘recreational activities’ and Kenny G’s to multiple school-yard beatings as a child, who am I to argue with the science geniuses of North Korea? Either way, I say those old commies can’t be all that bad. Maybe it’s time we shook hands and got over all this nonsense about nuclear warheads and human rights violations and adopt some of their ideas. Hell, maybe we too should outlaw men’s long hair in North America and see what we can do about getting Michael Bolton executed.
His majesty Ralph Klein of Alberta has approved an initiative that will give tax-breaks for people who join fitness centres in the province, saying: "I think it’s a wonderful idea because I happen to belong to a gym." Yeah right Ralph. Klein has up to now been an exceptional role model for others in his province and right across this country, most notably in tearing apart the health care system, belittling easterners and in wandering into homeless shelters in a drunken stupor and calling the men there out-of-work slobs. No word yet on if people will also be offered tax breaks for joining AA.
Lock the door! The Hazelbrook disposal site is on fire again! Just in case you thought that things like the Springfield tire fire on The Simpsons only happened on TV, The Guardian reported last week that the infamous garbage pit in Hazelbrook is, indeed, once again aflame. Before the fire was extinguished, it had burned through December and into January, but one man reportedly said that he had smelled smoke as early as summer 2004 and saw smoke in September but "figured it was just steam." The heart-stopping drama seized the community once again last week when one eye-witness confirmed that he had seen actual flames coming up from the pit. "I think that’s the first time they had real flames." Well congratulations. Next week - "Hazelbrook: Shallow Gene Pool or Tainted Water?" Morons.
It was like a very bad dream. "Studios are going to make another remake!...of Footloose!...starring Britney Spears!" I don’t know whether to kick off my Sunday shoes or to run into on-coming traffic. Now typically I would assume that movie producers would have the common decency to only re-create those movies that contained the semblance of a logical plot and would try to improve on the original casting by hiring capable actors. I mean you don’t see them planning a remake of Battlefield Earth with Clay Aiken. These plans for Footloose, however, do not seem to follow my logic. Spears would not know acting if it punched her in the face and a story about a community that outlaws dancing on the basis that it is morally and physically dangerous was not plausible in 1984 and is not plausible now. That is, unless you live in Hazelbrook (‘Home of Burning Garbage’).
I received quite a few comments last week saying that my remarks about a student who was injured after jumping off Robertson Library were insensitive and cruel. I tried to explain that in my humble opinion, that anyone who does stupid stuff deserves what they get. One of my friends then reminded me of a time we went sledding a few years back when a member of our group, intent on inspiring excitement, came up with the brilliant idea of laying down on the hill and creating a human ramp by placing a sled on an angle and resting it on his head. Slope and angles, however, were not his strong suit, and so when someone came barreling down the hill, they hit the human ramp, which was not-so-conveniently placed at a 90̊ angle, at great speed, hit the ramp and stopped dead, thus transferring all the inertia in to the human ramp, delivering crushing pain to his head. To add insult to injury, after writhing around in pain on the ground for awhile (he later found out that the collision had torn many of the muscles in his chest) the human ramp decided it was time to go, jumped in his car, slid through the ice on the driveway, and drove directly into the ditch. If memory serves me correct his name was Ryan Gallant. Oops.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#20)
It would seem that when snow starts falling from the sky here on PEI drivers everywhere randomly lapse into a collective state of dementia and irrationality, almost instantly forgetting how to operate a motor vehicle and how to perform the simplest of tasks, namely using a turn signal. It is my theory that with each 10 centimetres of snow, the average Island driver drops about 34 IQ points. Except for hockey Moms driving mini-vans and SUVs. They drop at least double that.
Speaking of which, why do non-students who use the Sports Centre and CARI facility get to park wherever the hell they want on campus? We students, who pay upwards of two left arms to come to UPEI and have to deal with the UPEI Parking Gestapo every damn day, and after paying $80 parking fees, are still not guaranteed parking places anywhere within the same time zone as our classes. A large reason for this is because the CARI facility and UPEI Administration figured it would be a good idea to take out a few existing parking lots and build a massive 300-space parking lot that goes, for the most part, unused, as it is closed off to students during the day. I would like to meet the brainwave who came up with this stellar idea. It wouldn’t even bother me that much if the CARI lot was put to good use, like maybe as a parking area for people that utilize the facility. But nooo. It seems that they would rather park along the road and in the no-parking areas in front of the Sports Centre, impeding traffic and taking away spots for students who have night courses.
Now, you would think that, given the near-orgasmic joy that Security seems to get out of towing student cars away, they would simply explode into psychotic fits of senseless euphoria at the sight of so many vehicles violating every known parking regulation at UPEI. So what do they do? Not a damn thing. Whether they are just making another coffee run to Tim Horton’s or are too busy not answering the phone, it seems that Security only gets their kicks out of penalizing people who least deserve it and can least afford it.
Proof that PEI drivers do not have a monopoly in snow-induced stupidity, a UPEI student was hospitalized last week after jumping off the roof of Robertson Library into a pile of snow that just happened to be located over piles of concrete bricks. Nice one genius. In addition to losing a great deal of his dignity, this student came away from the jump/fall with a few broken vertebrae, thus requiring a plough to create a path in the middle of a storm so as to enable an ambulance to get to him. For once, I truly am sorry. I do feel your pain and hope that your recovery is a rapid and complete one. Just don’t expect to win any Brightness Awards for 2005.
Hold the phone! Jenny from the block wants a name change! No more J.Lo! Riiight. So you use your fame and fortune to shamelessly parade around in your own corpulence while insisting you’re still as ghetto as everyone else and then decide you don’t want people to call you by the nickname that you made up for yourself anymore? Listen dear: you’re about as ghetto as my family out in Rustico. Besides, hasn’t anyone ever told you that it’s not cool to make up nicknames for yourself? You may be able to push around your little husband Marc Anthony, but the general public is not at your mercy. When you swim in a talent pool as shallow as your own and when your 15 minutes as Jenny or J.Lo or Bennifer or whoever are quickly ticking away you should remember that the entertainment world is a fickle place. I would suggest that you stop ordering people around before they get tired of your antics. Sure, maybe they’ll stop calling you J.Lo; but instead they may start calling you what they’ve been calling good old Marc Anthony for years: Done.
The number one cause of migraines and road rage seems poised to rear its ugly head again. Yes, you guessed it: The Backstreet Boys have announced that they will release another album sometime this year. Does this not seem wrong to anyone else? First of all, nothing about these guys denotes anything “backstreet” and the oldest “boy” is now probably closer to his first pension cheque than to his brush with puberty. Now that their original hardcore fans are now pushing 30, I think a name change, if not death by packs of rabid wolves, would be the very least they could do to improve their image. It seems a more apt name for them would now be The Suburban White-Trash Middle-Aged Yuppies That Should’ve Been Put Out of Their Misery a Good Ten Years Ago.
Oh, but don’t get me wrong, if you have no problem letting 12 and 13 year old girls worship 48 year-old alcoholics, you’re entitled to your own opinion, just as long as you realize that I’m right and that your opinion is totally wrong. And I know I am going to get at least 94 emails saying, “Ryan, you idiot, the oldest Backstreet Boy is Kevin ‘Kevy-Kev’ Richardson and he was born on October 3rd, 1972 and he’s only 32 and he had green eyes and he loves Elton John and his favorite dessert is Reese’s Pieces Sundaes.” Yes. These types of people scare the hell out of me. Just don’t expect to see many people waiting in line for tickets other than prostitots and 26-year-old fans still living somewhere back in 1995. Well, them and Paul Allen.
Have a good one!
Speaking of which, why do non-students who use the Sports Centre and CARI facility get to park wherever the hell they want on campus? We students, who pay upwards of two left arms to come to UPEI and have to deal with the UPEI Parking Gestapo every damn day, and after paying $80 parking fees, are still not guaranteed parking places anywhere within the same time zone as our classes. A large reason for this is because the CARI facility and UPEI Administration figured it would be a good idea to take out a few existing parking lots and build a massive 300-space parking lot that goes, for the most part, unused, as it is closed off to students during the day. I would like to meet the brainwave who came up with this stellar idea. It wouldn’t even bother me that much if the CARI lot was put to good use, like maybe as a parking area for people that utilize the facility. But nooo. It seems that they would rather park along the road and in the no-parking areas in front of the Sports Centre, impeding traffic and taking away spots for students who have night courses.
Now, you would think that, given the near-orgasmic joy that Security seems to get out of towing student cars away, they would simply explode into psychotic fits of senseless euphoria at the sight of so many vehicles violating every known parking regulation at UPEI. So what do they do? Not a damn thing. Whether they are just making another coffee run to Tim Horton’s or are too busy not answering the phone, it seems that Security only gets their kicks out of penalizing people who least deserve it and can least afford it.
Proof that PEI drivers do not have a monopoly in snow-induced stupidity, a UPEI student was hospitalized last week after jumping off the roof of Robertson Library into a pile of snow that just happened to be located over piles of concrete bricks. Nice one genius. In addition to losing a great deal of his dignity, this student came away from the jump/fall with a few broken vertebrae, thus requiring a plough to create a path in the middle of a storm so as to enable an ambulance to get to him. For once, I truly am sorry. I do feel your pain and hope that your recovery is a rapid and complete one. Just don’t expect to win any Brightness Awards for 2005.
Hold the phone! Jenny from the block wants a name change! No more J.Lo! Riiight. So you use your fame and fortune to shamelessly parade around in your own corpulence while insisting you’re still as ghetto as everyone else and then decide you don’t want people to call you by the nickname that you made up for yourself anymore? Listen dear: you’re about as ghetto as my family out in Rustico. Besides, hasn’t anyone ever told you that it’s not cool to make up nicknames for yourself? You may be able to push around your little husband Marc Anthony, but the general public is not at your mercy. When you swim in a talent pool as shallow as your own and when your 15 minutes as Jenny or J.Lo or Bennifer or whoever are quickly ticking away you should remember that the entertainment world is a fickle place. I would suggest that you stop ordering people around before they get tired of your antics. Sure, maybe they’ll stop calling you J.Lo; but instead they may start calling you what they’ve been calling good old Marc Anthony for years: Done.
The number one cause of migraines and road rage seems poised to rear its ugly head again. Yes, you guessed it: The Backstreet Boys have announced that they will release another album sometime this year. Does this not seem wrong to anyone else? First of all, nothing about these guys denotes anything “backstreet” and the oldest “boy” is now probably closer to his first pension cheque than to his brush with puberty. Now that their original hardcore fans are now pushing 30, I think a name change, if not death by packs of rabid wolves, would be the very least they could do to improve their image. It seems a more apt name for them would now be The Suburban White-Trash Middle-Aged Yuppies That Should’ve Been Put Out of Their Misery a Good Ten Years Ago.
Oh, but don’t get me wrong, if you have no problem letting 12 and 13 year old girls worship 48 year-old alcoholics, you’re entitled to your own opinion, just as long as you realize that I’m right and that your opinion is totally wrong. And I know I am going to get at least 94 emails saying, “Ryan, you idiot, the oldest Backstreet Boy is Kevin ‘Kevy-Kev’ Richardson and he was born on October 3rd, 1972 and he’s only 32 and he had green eyes and he loves Elton John and his favorite dessert is Reese’s Pieces Sundaes.” Yes. These types of people scare the hell out of me. Just don’t expect to see many people waiting in line for tickets other than prostitots and 26-year-old fans still living somewhere back in 1995. Well, them and Paul Allen.
Have a good one!
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