Ah yes. Christmas season on PEI. Snow is in the air, our anally retentive Province has opened the doors for shopping on Sunday, and our beautiful trolley-busses are sporting festive holidays boughs. Ding-ding! All aboard the shit-mobile! Meanwhile, amidst our piles of final assignments and exams and papers and labs, us students are left to ponder how big of an explosion we would have to concoct before they cancelled the remainder of classes and delayed exams for 30 or 40 years. There’s a somewhat joyous concept to consider over the festive season. By the way, just for curiosity’s sake, how damn long does it take to build a friggin Nutri-Science Building anyway? Like holy slack-ass construction Batman!
Well, on Monday Islanders had their chance to vote for a system of Proportional Representation. Did they go for it? Well, It’s Sunday evening, so my opinion is purely speculative, but my guess is: No. Part of the reason for this is because no one knows what the hell is going on, another being that old Patty Binns, a man with the foresight of a carrot, raised the bar of democracy to 60%, presumably to protect us poor voters from being represented by any party other than his own. Of course he doesn’t even have to do a damn thing if it passes anyway. But the main reason it didn’t pass, of course, is because Islanders just don’t like change. “Well yeah, no shit Ryan.” That’s why no one knows how to sort their garbage yet and why we didn’t get a 911 system until 2000. Islanders cherish their backwards and antiquated voting process: you go to the polls, you cast your ballot, your get your pint of rum and you go home. This opinion has been enunciated clearly in the letters to the editor in The Guardian over the past few weeks. These morons would have you believe that the proposed system is equivalent to that of Communist China, which is like comparing my 89-year-old grandmother to 50 Cent. Mind you, the proposed system was likely the stupidest version of Proportional Representation I have ever seen, but the fact remains that somewhere along the line we are going to need electoral change here on PEI. For example, while the rest of the country is going nuts about the Sponsorship Scandal, freaking out that the Liberals gave money and jobs to their friends, Islanders are sitting around thinking: “Yeah...on PEI, that’s called good politics.” Still, some argue that Political Patronage is a thing of the past here on the Island. Oh sure. And if you believe that I have a Little Christo’s Factory and some Polar Food stock to sell you. I’m sure it’s not coincidence that after Catherine Callbeck won a landslide in 1993 that my road was paved for the first time since 1961, nor is it by mere happenstance that every damn mailbox on our road has been blown to shit by Conservative plow operators since Binns took over in ‘96. Binnsy, by the way, has decided to stick around to run in the next Provincial election. Well good. I was wondering who was going to continue funding ridiculous business ventures and driving our economy into the ground. Ahwell. In the era of the quasi-democratic 60%+1, you get what you ask for. Or at least what Binns tells you to ask for.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#32)
Well, good old Air Canada has decided to discontinue serving complimentary snacks on their flights. Fine! Keep your damn sesame snacks. It’s not enough that we have to pay $200 to get off this damn island on those Dash 8 Puddle Jumpers, (which, by the way, are not the best plane to fly, take-off, or land in, during rain, wind, snow, or basically in any flight that the plane has to actually leave the ground) but now I get to starve in-flight too. This whole flying experience pisses me off. It doesn’t make it any better that flight attendants talk to me as if I was a 3 year old with ADD and smiles, while her eyes suggest that they would much rather stab me with a fork than get me another water. And when flights are over, no one ever seems to be in any kind of rush to get off the damn plane. Suddenly seemingly simple tasks, such as picking up a briefcase and walking, take the average air traveler upwards of 4 and a half months. (The wait was so long on a recent flight that a friend and I took the time to compose an entire song entitled “Pick up your shit, and get off the plane.”) Of course, I guess it’s not only Air Canada that has recently “sucked ass” in its customer service. CanJet, in addition to allowing 3.4 square inches for legroom, also provides perhaps the most unprofessional flight crews in the industry and aircraft that are about as comfortable as a refurbished Soviet bomber.
The al-Qaeda came out last week to justify bombings last summer (which is stupid to try to justify to your average mentally sane person in the first place) by telling the world that one of the most severe enemies of Islam is, you guessed it, Queen Elizabeth II. Yes, Osama has apparently fingered Queen Elizabeth as one of the “severest enemies of Islam.” Yep. An 80 year old woman is a “severe threat” to the entire Islamic community. I think I speak for everyone when I say: “You are out of your mind.” What the hell has she done to Islam? I’m pretty sure all she does is drive around and wave at people. The Queen is about as much of a threat to Islam as Lamb Chops is. And she’s dead.
Yay! Ricky Martin is back! Wonderful. Does anyone else give a crap? I thought we were done of this nonsense. And the ridiculously obnoxious pop/dance is really improved by the incredibly imaginative lyrics of this genius: “Shake your bon-bon, Shake your bon-bon, Shake your bon-bon, Up in the Himalayas, C’mon I wanna lay ya.” The complex videos with that moronic hack Enrique macking it up with famous teenage girls are pretty classy too. “You can run, you can hide but you can't escape my love”? Stalker much? Real healthy there freakshow. Frig off.
Canadians came out and celebrated Remembrance Day this past week in honour of veterans who have fought for our country in conflicts around the world. I am always touched by the thunderous applause for the increasingly aging and increasing small number of veterans as they march through Charlottetown. Sadly, this year also marked the first time that there were no World War I veterans at Ottawa’s Remembrance Day ceremonies. Not only is this a shocking reality check to see that the young men who fought and won at Vimy and Passchendaele and the Somme are all but gone, but it is also a compelling reminder of why it is important for us to remember those heroes who gave much of themselves for us.
Apparently, however, some people are dumbasses about the whole Remembrance Day thing. Myron’s, as a shining example for ethical businesses everywhere, deemed it tasteful to erect a display in their window complete with GI Joe action figures in US Marines combat gear and with Desert Storm camo. One of the figures was in police riot gear. What the hell is he supposed to represent? The Souris Wharf conflict? I’m sorry, I know people think that it’s the thought that counts and all that crap, but I take the remembrance of fallen Canadians very seriously, and I don’t think it is something to be taken lightly or to make fun of. Veterans didn’t fight and die for their contribution to our country to be trivialized and no one has the right to disrespect their honour.
Lest we forget.
Have a good one!
The al-Qaeda came out last week to justify bombings last summer (which is stupid to try to justify to your average mentally sane person in the first place) by telling the world that one of the most severe enemies of Islam is, you guessed it, Queen Elizabeth II. Yes, Osama has apparently fingered Queen Elizabeth as one of the “severest enemies of Islam.” Yep. An 80 year old woman is a “severe threat” to the entire Islamic community. I think I speak for everyone when I say: “You are out of your mind.” What the hell has she done to Islam? I’m pretty sure all she does is drive around and wave at people. The Queen is about as much of a threat to Islam as Lamb Chops is. And she’s dead.
Yay! Ricky Martin is back! Wonderful. Does anyone else give a crap? I thought we were done of this nonsense. And the ridiculously obnoxious pop/dance is really improved by the incredibly imaginative lyrics of this genius: “Shake your bon-bon, Shake your bon-bon, Shake your bon-bon, Up in the Himalayas, C’mon I wanna lay ya.” The complex videos with that moronic hack Enrique macking it up with famous teenage girls are pretty classy too. “You can run, you can hide but you can't escape my love”? Stalker much? Real healthy there freakshow. Frig off.
Canadians came out and celebrated Remembrance Day this past week in honour of veterans who have fought for our country in conflicts around the world. I am always touched by the thunderous applause for the increasingly aging and increasing small number of veterans as they march through Charlottetown. Sadly, this year also marked the first time that there were no World War I veterans at Ottawa’s Remembrance Day ceremonies. Not only is this a shocking reality check to see that the young men who fought and won at Vimy and Passchendaele and the Somme are all but gone, but it is also a compelling reminder of why it is important for us to remember those heroes who gave much of themselves for us.
Apparently, however, some people are dumbasses about the whole Remembrance Day thing. Myron’s, as a shining example for ethical businesses everywhere, deemed it tasteful to erect a display in their window complete with GI Joe action figures in US Marines combat gear and with Desert Storm camo. One of the figures was in police riot gear. What the hell is he supposed to represent? The Souris Wharf conflict? I’m sorry, I know people think that it’s the thought that counts and all that crap, but I take the remembrance of fallen Canadians very seriously, and I don’t think it is something to be taken lightly or to make fun of. Veterans didn’t fight and die for their contribution to our country to be trivialized and no one has the right to disrespect their honour.
Lest we forget.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#31)
Well, it’s that time of the school year again, when midterms finish and finals appear as an impending, yet distant nightmare, and students turn from their studies to what they do best: drinking and making idiots of themselves. There is no better example of this than the behavior at last Friday’s Halloween Pub at The Wave. Among the sell-out crowd was Carlton Banks of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Body Break’s Hal Johnson and JoAnne McLeod, a disproportionate number of bumblebees and bowling pins, and at least two Shaun Coadys. Other than the Ron Burgundy wannabe who I saw throwing up quite violently, fun was had by all. I think the festive mood was best described by one student who, in the crowd, cheerily told Sponge Bob Square Pants “If you push me one more time I am going to smash in your face.” Nice.
The Guardian conducted a Web Poll last week asking Islanders if they thought a roundabout traffic circle or a ‘T’ intersection with traffic lights should be constructed at the Peter Pan intersection. Come on now. Installing a traffic circle anywhere in Charlottetown is like jumping off Robertson Library into snow banks, fun to watch, but also very very stupid. A traffic circle would cause many accidents, and within half a week would end up killing, by my estimates, everyone on PEI. You see, conducting a motor vehicle on a traffic circle requires that the driver a) has at least marginal motor vehicle operating capabilities, b) can merge with traffic, and c) uses a signal light, all of which Islanders have consistently indicated they are grossly incapable of. Having said that I’m sure everyone is just tickled pink with the idea of installing a tenth set of lights on University Avenue, but thankfully, a compelling solution dealing with this very problem was brought up in The Guardian just a few weeks ago. Some genius wrote in to tell Islanders that we should try to save energy by removing a bunch of stop signs from intersections around Charlottetown. That’s awesome! This is easily the smartest thing I have heard in years. We just rip up some stop signs and maybe some traffic lights downtown and suddenly no one has to stop anymore. I’m not exactly clear on how removing traffic controls is supposed to save energy, but who cares?
Gilles Duceppe of the Bloc Québéçois told the world last week that he thinks Québec should have its own army and spy service if it separates from Canada. “Do we need nuclear submarines? We say no. Maybe multifunctional boats to transport troops.” Multifunctional boats? Whoa. Critics agree that this proposed Québec military already sounds better than Canada’s current force. Duceppe continued to say that the Québec Army would be able to take over existing Canadian Forces bases. Hold the phone there Gilles. So, you’ll secede completely from Canada and be totally autonomous, except you want to still use the Canadian Dollar, Canadian Passports, and use our old Army Bases? Uh, can’t see it. If you leave, you’re gone. You don’t get our money or passports or NAFTA or our old Sea Kings. OK, maybe you can have the Sea Kings. A Québec Spy Service though? I can’t see that being all that successful. In my experience with Québec tourists they do not integrate all that well with local populations. Sure, many of them can speak impeccable English, and I’m sure spies could be trained to adopt local customs, but there’s something about the way they look at non-Quebeckers as if we bathe in our own feces that would blow their cover. Although Duceppe argued that a Québec Army would have no trouble recruiting, I again would have to disagree. Québec has lost every major war it has ever fought in, and ever since has bitched about joining with Canada in any international conflict, World War I, World War II, etc. It is worth noting that the Québecois are descendants of the French, and as was once said about their ancestors, “Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion,” is much the same for them. Check you stats Duceppe. I’ll bet your sovereigntists would be much happier sitting at home smoking cigarettes and complaining about Canada than running around spying on their cultural inferiors.
And finally the Notorious BIG released a song last week with some of his best rapper buddies and apparently is not at all discouraged by the fact that he still dead.
Have a good one!
The Guardian conducted a Web Poll last week asking Islanders if they thought a roundabout traffic circle or a ‘T’ intersection with traffic lights should be constructed at the Peter Pan intersection. Come on now. Installing a traffic circle anywhere in Charlottetown is like jumping off Robertson Library into snow banks, fun to watch, but also very very stupid. A traffic circle would cause many accidents, and within half a week would end up killing, by my estimates, everyone on PEI. You see, conducting a motor vehicle on a traffic circle requires that the driver a) has at least marginal motor vehicle operating capabilities, b) can merge with traffic, and c) uses a signal light, all of which Islanders have consistently indicated they are grossly incapable of. Having said that I’m sure everyone is just tickled pink with the idea of installing a tenth set of lights on University Avenue, but thankfully, a compelling solution dealing with this very problem was brought up in The Guardian just a few weeks ago. Some genius wrote in to tell Islanders that we should try to save energy by removing a bunch of stop signs from intersections around Charlottetown. That’s awesome! This is easily the smartest thing I have heard in years. We just rip up some stop signs and maybe some traffic lights downtown and suddenly no one has to stop anymore. I’m not exactly clear on how removing traffic controls is supposed to save energy, but who cares?
Gilles Duceppe of the Bloc Québéçois told the world last week that he thinks Québec should have its own army and spy service if it separates from Canada. “Do we need nuclear submarines? We say no. Maybe multifunctional boats to transport troops.” Multifunctional boats? Whoa. Critics agree that this proposed Québec military already sounds better than Canada’s current force. Duceppe continued to say that the Québec Army would be able to take over existing Canadian Forces bases. Hold the phone there Gilles. So, you’ll secede completely from Canada and be totally autonomous, except you want to still use the Canadian Dollar, Canadian Passports, and use our old Army Bases? Uh, can’t see it. If you leave, you’re gone. You don’t get our money or passports or NAFTA or our old Sea Kings. OK, maybe you can have the Sea Kings. A Québec Spy Service though? I can’t see that being all that successful. In my experience with Québec tourists they do not integrate all that well with local populations. Sure, many of them can speak impeccable English, and I’m sure spies could be trained to adopt local customs, but there’s something about the way they look at non-Quebeckers as if we bathe in our own feces that would blow their cover. Although Duceppe argued that a Québec Army would have no trouble recruiting, I again would have to disagree. Québec has lost every major war it has ever fought in, and ever since has bitched about joining with Canada in any international conflict, World War I, World War II, etc. It is worth noting that the Québecois are descendants of the French, and as was once said about their ancestors, “Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion,” is much the same for them. Check you stats Duceppe. I’ll bet your sovereigntists would be much happier sitting at home smoking cigarettes and complaining about Canada than running around spying on their cultural inferiors.
And finally the Notorious BIG released a song last week with some of his best rapper buddies and apparently is not at all discouraged by the fact that he still dead.
Have a good one!
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