...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#36)

Well the attention of media from across Canada was attracted to UPEI last week as a developing issue on our campus, that could potentially affect every student at our University, caught the nation’s attention. Yes, for the first time in modern memory, UPEI actually closed school for an entire day. Despite this, the world kept turning, and elsewhere in the world other stories grabbed headlines as people got on with their lives following the long-fabled full-day UPEI cancellation. This is a comprehensive recap of other headlines from last week:
1. Headline: Man Killed After Stripping Naked
So apparently some guy, after driving his over the median into on-coming traffic and crashing his truck on the highway in Washington State, flew into a fit of rage, stripped off all his clothes and stood in the middle of the I-90, jumping up and down and waving at passing cars. After several minutes of this, in freezing temperatures no less, the 35-year-old was hit by a pick-up truck and died instantly. What the hell is wrong with people? Has our society devolved to the point whereby ripping off all your clothes and running into traffic is an acceptable expression of anger? Again, I wish the people who run across University Avenue in the middle of traffic and the cars that brake for them would learn from stories like this, but learning from this would of course require you not be a moron in the first place.
2. Headline: U.S. Fires On Car of Canadian Envoy
An American envoy of five armored Humvees opened fire on a Canadian diplomatic vehicle in Baghdad’s Green Zone last week. The US version of the story states that the Canadian vehicle, complete with Canadian flag, refused to stop when they repeatedly waved at it. Feeling threatened, “the American convoy vehicle defended itself by firing a three-round burst” at the front of the vehicle, “away from the passenger area.” The American government has stuck to this story despite the fact that the vehicle was driven by a Canadian soldier who was fully briefed and took a two-week course on the rules of the road in the Green Zone and that the Canadians were only going 20km an hour at the time of the incident. The official statement from the U.S. Military by Lt.-Col. Barry Johnson’s that “Clearly these warning shots weren’t aimed at the occupants,” seems questionable, as it is quite evident that a bullet did indeed pierce the passenger side of the vehicle, given the large bullet-shaped hole in the windshield. In contrast, on CNN, it was reported that unruly Canadians had tried to speed past the convoy. As reported in The Globe and Mail, in the minds of many in the Canadian Foreign Service, this has painted a picture of the U.S. soldiers as “trigger-happy Americans needlessly firing on a well-marked vehicle.” This is the second time in recent months that the conduct of American soldiers has been called into question by foreign diplomats. An Italian diplomat was killed when the vehicle he was driving in was shot at by American soldiers when, according to the U.S. Military investigation, it refused to slow down. What did the Italian investigation deem as the cause? The “stress and inexperience of the soldiers.” Surprise, surprise. While the American government has called the incident “regrettable,” they have not apologized for it. Niiice. Just once, the next time the Americans shoot down an Allied plane or drop bombs on their friends or shoot foreign service officials, I’d like to get Nan go make George say he’s sorry. Just once.
Nan: “Say you’re sorry.”
Bush: “It was regret…SLAP!
Nan: “Say you’re sorry.”
Bush: “We didn’t know that…SLAP!
Nan: “Say you’re sorry.”

3. Headline: Karate Experts to Fight Parrots
Yes, some Ninjas have been hired to fight any parrot that tries to mess up the 140 classic cars that are visiting Mount Cook in New Zealand this week. The 40 or so Karate experts will evidently take-on any Keas Parrot head-to-head if it tries to damage the vehicles with their sharp beaks. This may well be the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my life.
4. Headline: Child Groom of Wife, 37, Runs Away
In this story, an Atlanta-area 15-year-old boy ran away from his grandmother’s house, “without shoes, jacket or money,” just weeks before his 37-year-old wife was due to give birth to their baby. At hearing about his disappearance, the wife was reportedly “surprised and concerned.” Yeah. No shit.
5. Headline: Hussein’s Trial: New Judge, New Concerns
Well the Hussein trial took a bizarre turn last week, as a new judge, the third since the trial began on October 19th, kicked Saddam’s brother-in-law, Barzan al-Tikriti, out of the courtroom for yelling expletives at him. He then kicked out Barzan’s lawyer, and then when the other defence lawyers left in protest, he expelled all of them too. When he tried to appoint a new lawyer for Saddam, Hussein went berserk and had to be physically restrained as he protested this appointment, so the judge kicked him out too. No Saddam, no trial, court adjourned. This describes the events of only the third day that court has actually been in session since the trial began four months ago. Since then, seven people, SEVEN people, have been assassinated for their involvement in the trial. Let me ask one thing. Why the hell are we going through the song and dance of a trial for Saddam Hussein? This is the man that the Americans sought for decades, chasing him out of Kuwait, cleaning up his messes around the Middle East, and wringing their hands in fear about. Finally, old Bush Jr. decided to go in and find the old dictator. After killing tens of thousands of Iraqis in an effort to…well, free them, the Americans found Saddam under some Styrofoam brick. Did they shoot him then and there? Did they bomb the shit out of his hole and chalk him up as “collateral damage” as they did with the other 30,000 Iraqis that were killed in the process of finding that hole? Nope. He, of course, gets a fair trial. Riiight. Should we see if he’s actually guilty before mowing down 30,000 Iraqis to get to him? Guess not. And not only does he get a trial, he gets a farcical rendition of one, like he’s some kind of Middle Eastern Michael Jackson or something. Why? Does anyone think that the judge is going to be like: “Actually, we got the wrong guy. It was some guy in a Saddam suit the whole time. Turns out this Saddam Hussein actually runs a deli in suburban An Nasiriyah and helps bake cookies for the CWL.” CNN News: “…And the former Iraqi dictator has pledged to spend the rest of his life searching for the real Butcher of Baghdad.” No. They’re going to hang this man no matter who comes forward and speaks on his behalf, no matter how many lawyers and judges and witnesses get murdered in the process. And sure, I know we have to stand up for international justice and give him a fair trial and blah, blah, blah. But this isn’t a fair trial to begin with, and all this courtroom madness is doing is making Saddam seem a little more human and a little more like a martyr to the Islamic world. As I’ve said before, wouldn’t it have been a hell of a lot easier for American soldiers to treat Saddam like they did every other Iraqi they killed and just drop a grenade in his little hole? And Ka-boom! Abdullah’s your uncle.
Have a good one!