An era came to an end on September 25th when Subway Restaurants finished phasing out their stamp coupons. Now, instead of stamps, in return for enduring the long line, paying for obscenely expensive subs and reeking of Subway for the rest of the day you get...nothing. No free cookies on Friday, no super value meal on Wednesday. Personally, I’ve been pissed at Subway since they switched from Pepsi to Coke, but really, this is ridiculous. Eat Fresh? Kiss my ass Jared.
Relief came on international front last week as Canada and Denmark agreed to sit down and talk about who possesses sovereignty over Hans Island in the Arctic. Tempers had been rising in both countries since Canada’s Defence Minister Bill Graham landed on the disputed island in July with Canadian Forces troops to plant a Canadian flag. In retaliation the Danes sent a warship to sail around the island for awhile and to erect a Danish flag on the island. “We put one up before but it blew down.” was their reasoning. World leaders were shocked and the US Military reportedly went to DEFCON 5 when they heard that the great military powers of Canada and Denmark were having a dispute, especially after hearing that at least two Canadian submarines were almost operational. “Thank God that’s over.” Was reportedly the reaction of Saddam Hussein from his jail cell upon hearing the news. Hans Island, by the way, is 1.3 square kilometres and is entirely uninhabited. Oh yeah. And the North Koreans are giving up their nuclear weapons program. Riiight.
Elections were held for the German Bundestag last Sunday, and no one seems to know who won. Both leading parties were considerably shy of the 307 needed for a majority. Negotiations have been on-going with other parties in attempts of establishing some sort of governing coalition, but the two major party leaders have going postal on each other all week, everyone refuses to even talk to the Left Party (successor of the old East German Communists), and one of the coalitions has been dubbed “The Jamaican Coalition.” Oh those crazy Germans. They’re not that good at this democracy stuff. Or at taking over the world.
Residents of Newark, New Jersey became mildly concerned last week when it was reported that three mice infected with the Bubonic Plague had gone missing from a University of Medicine and Dentistry laboratory, prompting University Officials to spring into action and do...absolutely nothing. According to them the mice posed a “scant” threat to the general public and besides, since they had already been missing for about two weeks, they were “probably already dead anyway.” Now, I have a great respect for the research community, don’t get me wrong. But in my opinion, it’s pretty stupid to handle test subjects so haphazardly that they go missing for two weeks without you noticing, especially when these subjects happen to be infected with the BUBONIC PLAGUE. Yeah, it only killed like 137 million people back in the day. No worries. Morons.
Speaking of incompetence, the Charlottetown Police asked the public to be on the lookout last week after a 12-gauge camouflaged shotgun went missing from the gun cabinet at the Charlottetown Canadian Tire. When? “Oh, sometime between the 10th and the 19th.” (Apparently Canadian Tire does not have the best shoplifting detection system). According to a report in the always non-biased and über-professional Guardian, there are only two people in the entire store that had access to the cabinet. Do you think these two people should be possible suspects? Of course not. “I think they just noticed it was missing.” Constable Gary Clow was quoted as saying. Hey went on to ask the public to keep an eye out for the gun. Thanks Gary. And sure, I’ll get right out there on the street tonight and do you job for you. Jerks.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#27)
Yes, its that time of year again. Time for tuition fees, student fees, sports fees, parking fees, admin fees, and residence fees. Time for new roommates, new friends, new classes, new profs and new things to piss you off. Time for togas and 2-4s and a good drink-on to forget about all the money and time that you don’t have. And of course, time for reading my column in The Cadre and then sending me e-mails about how much you hate me and my stupid opinions.
Well the geniuses in the email protest community have done it again. September 1st was deemed as "Stick it to Them" Day, which was, as I was told in about 3,086 e-mails, aimed at getting everyone to stop buying gas for a day, the theory being that if no one bought gas for an entire day, the big oil companies would freak out, collapse under pressure, and be forced to drop oil prices. Despite the fact that this scheme is fundamentally flawed, substantially delusional and that the people who conceived it are evidently complete idiots, the protest went off without a hitch. That is of course except the small fact that gas prices went up 36 cents that day. Wow, what awesome power those fearless email vigilantes wield. Morons.
It seems the NHL and the NHLPA finally got their asses in gear, signing a CBA after their bickering led to the cancellation of the 2004-05 NHL Season. Following the ratification of the agreement, teams around the NHL scrambled to sign new players from the massive pool of unrestricted free agents. Pittsburgh signed John LeClair, Mario Lemieux, Zigmund Palffy, Sidney Crosby and Sergei Gonchar, Edmonton signed Mike Peca and Chris Pronger, and Atlanta signed Bobby Holik, Marian Hossa and Greg de Vries. Meanwhile, continuing in their tradition of being very well-intentioned, yet also very stupid, the Toronto Maple Leafs signed Eric "Concussion" Lindros, who is about a headache and a half away from eating through a straw and Aki "The Pylon" Berg. Oh wait, this just in. Toronto has just signed Mariusz Czerkawski. Great. Whoever the hell that is.
On a brighter note, another one of our Canadian teams has had considerable success with signings in the off-season. The Ottawa Senators, have been able to sign Dany Heatley, the young phenom from Atlanta and have replaced Patrick "The Choker" Lalime with Dominik "The Dominator" Hasek, the only drawback of this, being, of course, that everyone hates the Ottawa Senators.
An era ended last week as Rainbow Valley closed its doors forever. There was extensive uproar from the public about turning the forty-acre park into nature trails for the National Park, but for me the closure is a more positive move. I was always kind of weirded out by The Witch’s Cave and the whiplash-inducing Bushwacker. And what the hell was up with that weird-looking robot fisherman from the "Dark Ride"? (Original name by the way). I will, however, miss harassing Mrs. Owl and asking why she already had a baby at the age of 14, or being yelled at by Rainbow Valley staff telling us we’re not supposed to get of the boats and walk around on the islands in the pond. Oh the joys of being a delinquent pubescent boy let loose at Rainbow Valley.
So, once again, welcome back to another (or perhaps first) year at the U of PEI. A particular welcome back to the worst-maintained, yet most-spirited building on campus. Yes, Marion Hall, who we had all thought had seen its last days as a residence, has proved us all wrong, and, back from the dead, will carry on the tradition of holding some of the loudest and most random parties this side of Tignish.
And so, as the year goes on, remember to work hard, and to have fun; to embrace the good times, learn from the bad, and whenever possible, to raise a glass in celebration of another semester in the company of friends.
Have a good one!
Well the geniuses in the email protest community have done it again. September 1st was deemed as "Stick it to Them" Day, which was, as I was told in about 3,086 e-mails, aimed at getting everyone to stop buying gas for a day, the theory being that if no one bought gas for an entire day, the big oil companies would freak out, collapse under pressure, and be forced to drop oil prices. Despite the fact that this scheme is fundamentally flawed, substantially delusional and that the people who conceived it are evidently complete idiots, the protest went off without a hitch. That is of course except the small fact that gas prices went up 36 cents that day. Wow, what awesome power those fearless email vigilantes wield. Morons.
It seems the NHL and the NHLPA finally got their asses in gear, signing a CBA after their bickering led to the cancellation of the 2004-05 NHL Season. Following the ratification of the agreement, teams around the NHL scrambled to sign new players from the massive pool of unrestricted free agents. Pittsburgh signed John LeClair, Mario Lemieux, Zigmund Palffy, Sidney Crosby and Sergei Gonchar, Edmonton signed Mike Peca and Chris Pronger, and Atlanta signed Bobby Holik, Marian Hossa and Greg de Vries. Meanwhile, continuing in their tradition of being very well-intentioned, yet also very stupid, the Toronto Maple Leafs signed Eric "Concussion" Lindros, who is about a headache and a half away from eating through a straw and Aki "The Pylon" Berg. Oh wait, this just in. Toronto has just signed Mariusz Czerkawski. Great. Whoever the hell that is.
On a brighter note, another one of our Canadian teams has had considerable success with signings in the off-season. The Ottawa Senators, have been able to sign Dany Heatley, the young phenom from Atlanta and have replaced Patrick "The Choker" Lalime with Dominik "The Dominator" Hasek, the only drawback of this, being, of course, that everyone hates the Ottawa Senators.
An era ended last week as Rainbow Valley closed its doors forever. There was extensive uproar from the public about turning the forty-acre park into nature trails for the National Park, but for me the closure is a more positive move. I was always kind of weirded out by The Witch’s Cave and the whiplash-inducing Bushwacker. And what the hell was up with that weird-looking robot fisherman from the "Dark Ride"? (Original name by the way). I will, however, miss harassing Mrs. Owl and asking why she already had a baby at the age of 14, or being yelled at by Rainbow Valley staff telling us we’re not supposed to get of the boats and walk around on the islands in the pond. Oh the joys of being a delinquent pubescent boy let loose at Rainbow Valley.
So, once again, welcome back to another (or perhaps first) year at the U of PEI. A particular welcome back to the worst-maintained, yet most-spirited building on campus. Yes, Marion Hall, who we had all thought had seen its last days as a residence, has proved us all wrong, and, back from the dead, will carry on the tradition of holding some of the loudest and most random parties this side of Tignish.
And so, as the year goes on, remember to work hard, and to have fun; to embrace the good times, learn from the bad, and whenever possible, to raise a glass in celebration of another semester in the company of friends.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
...And now for something completely different: What I Learned This Year at University (#26)
Well, this is it. The last Cadre of the 2004-05 school year. For some of you this will be an emotional moment as you ponder this, your final year here at UPEI and how it has compared to your first 4 (or 5. or 6. or 8.) years here. For others it will be an opportunity to look at the past year of challenges faced and victories won. Of highs and lows and in-betweens. For still others you will be thinking “Shut the hell up Ryan. I hate you.”
Point taken.
What I learned this year at UPEI:
- I learned this year that the sole duty of some workers in Kelley Building seems to be standing outside and smoking 7 out of 8 hours every day.
- That being incredibly stupid is an asset, especially if you happen to work for Magic 93.
- That climbing over buildings instead of walking around them, while a time-saver, is also probably not the best idea, and when drunk, is at least twice as hazardous.
- I learned through word-of-mouth that jumping through windows at the Legion is neither as enjoyable nor as rewarding as it may at first seem.
- I learned that Backstreet’s back and that puking is not restricted to the sick.
- That renovating a building can take longer than it does to build another one twice its size, and that the most important part of a renovation project is to ensure that noise and inconvenience always takes precedence over doing actual work.
- I learned that high school students are at least 10x stupider than when I was there. And they’re getting worse. I learned that I can come up with at least a dozen ways to stop them from throwing snowballs at restaurants. I learned that most of these were illegal.
- I learned that acting as a sledding ramp does not work and can be tremendously painful.
- That many students feel that getting to class on time is more important than crossing University Avenue at the crosswalk, like a sane individual.
- That only through ignorance do we hate. I hate the French language.
- I learned that as much as I often resented Moron’s when it was open, since it closed I now have a pain in my stomach telling me that something inside me has died. Either that or I have an ulcer.
- I learned this year that the UPEI Student Union is corrupt and full of power-hungry individuals who care about nothing more than screwing with the lives of all students. Either that or someone has an over-active imagination.
- I learned that raising awareness about pedestrian safety by pretending to get hit by a car and laying on University Avenue for half an hour and getting hauled off by an ambulance pisses people off.
- I learned that complaining about tuition, parking, George W. Bush, the weather, etc. pisses people off.
- I learned that using an ‘R’ with a little circle around it as a representation of your signature pisses people off.
- I learned that no matter how well-intentioned your actions, no matter how hard you try, someone somewhere will get pissed off at you for not doing enough. Or for doing too much.
- I learned that I no longer care.
- I learned that I can go to a class for 3 hours a week for 4 months and not learn a damn thing.
- That an all-nighter and some quality bullshit often yields the best papers. That hard work pays off later; sometimes, procrastination pays off now; always.
- That “It is better to do little well than a great deal badly.” (Socrates). While this may be true, I learned that I am much better at the latter.
- I learned that it won’t be the failed exams or that book you didn’t read or the 8:30 classes that we’ll remember, but rather, Trivia Wednesdays and Fajita Fridays. Those random friends you made on that Pub Crawl. Those idiot car-parkers they made fun of in The Cadre. The night class they cancelled because everyone was too drunk. That jerk that kept on shutting off the lights in the bathroom, the crush in your class, or the people that just made you smile, like that kid that jumped off the Library.
And so, with all we’ve learned, and as we leave our school for another year, perhaps this time forever, let us remember to embrace the good times, to learn from the bad, and whenever possible, to raise a glass in celebration of another year gone, another course earned, and another summer break in the company of friends.
Have a good one!
Point taken.
What I learned this year at UPEI:
- I learned this year that the sole duty of some workers in Kelley Building seems to be standing outside and smoking 7 out of 8 hours every day.
- That being incredibly stupid is an asset, especially if you happen to work for Magic 93.
- That climbing over buildings instead of walking around them, while a time-saver, is also probably not the best idea, and when drunk, is at least twice as hazardous.
- I learned through word-of-mouth that jumping through windows at the Legion is neither as enjoyable nor as rewarding as it may at first seem.
- I learned that Backstreet’s back and that puking is not restricted to the sick.
- That renovating a building can take longer than it does to build another one twice its size, and that the most important part of a renovation project is to ensure that noise and inconvenience always takes precedence over doing actual work.
- I learned that high school students are at least 10x stupider than when I was there. And they’re getting worse. I learned that I can come up with at least a dozen ways to stop them from throwing snowballs at restaurants. I learned that most of these were illegal.
- I learned that acting as a sledding ramp does not work and can be tremendously painful.
- That many students feel that getting to class on time is more important than crossing University Avenue at the crosswalk, like a sane individual.
- That only through ignorance do we hate. I hate the French language.
- I learned that as much as I often resented Moron’s when it was open, since it closed I now have a pain in my stomach telling me that something inside me has died. Either that or I have an ulcer.
- I learned this year that the UPEI Student Union is corrupt and full of power-hungry individuals who care about nothing more than screwing with the lives of all students. Either that or someone has an over-active imagination.
- I learned that raising awareness about pedestrian safety by pretending to get hit by a car and laying on University Avenue for half an hour and getting hauled off by an ambulance pisses people off.
- I learned that complaining about tuition, parking, George W. Bush, the weather, etc. pisses people off.
- I learned that using an ‘R’ with a little circle around it as a representation of your signature pisses people off.
- I learned that no matter how well-intentioned your actions, no matter how hard you try, someone somewhere will get pissed off at you for not doing enough. Or for doing too much.
- I learned that I no longer care.
- I learned that I can go to a class for 3 hours a week for 4 months and not learn a damn thing.
- That an all-nighter and some quality bullshit often yields the best papers. That hard work pays off later; sometimes, procrastination pays off now; always.
- That “It is better to do little well than a great deal badly.” (Socrates). While this may be true, I learned that I am much better at the latter.
- I learned that it won’t be the failed exams or that book you didn’t read or the 8:30 classes that we’ll remember, but rather, Trivia Wednesdays and Fajita Fridays. Those random friends you made on that Pub Crawl. Those idiot car-parkers they made fun of in The Cadre. The night class they cancelled because everyone was too drunk. That jerk that kept on shutting off the lights in the bathroom, the crush in your class, or the people that just made you smile, like that kid that jumped off the Library.
And so, with all we’ve learned, and as we leave our school for another year, perhaps this time forever, let us remember to embrace the good times, to learn from the bad, and whenever possible, to raise a glass in celebration of another year gone, another course earned, and another summer break in the company of friends.
Have a good one!
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
...And now for something completely different…The Rants of a University Student (#25)
Armed rebels seized control of President Askar Akayev’s Headquarters in Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan last week, raising international fear of instability in the region. As a university student concerned about such issues, let me be the first to say: “What the hell Kyrgyzstan?”
Spring has sprung here on PEI and us students are right into the books, finishing up term papers and studying for the infamous final exams. Right on cue, Daylight Savings Time will kick in next Sunday to take away an hour of sleep and to give us that extra little kick in the junk that us students need so badly at this time of year. And to help out all that much more, construction workers have jumped into high-gear, banging around metal on the roof of the Library and hurling large chunks of concrete from the top floor of Duffy, just as if they had saved their loudest projects especially for our exam studying time. Ok, sure, I know renovations have to be done on Duffy, especially given the asbestos and the leaks and all that, but do they really have to start dragging new trailers onto campus and making massive trenches of mud during our busiest and most important time of year? Seriously, you don’t want to start pissing off students that are short on sleep, deep in work and that have potent chemicals readily available.
A bus driver from Charlottetown Rural was suspended last week after refusing to drive a bus that he said was too full. Upon inspection by the Vice Principal, she decided that it was not too full, as there were only 56 students on a bus she said was designed to hold 72 students, so she suspended him. Ok, this is the first clue that she is, with all due respect, an idiot. Having spent around 4000 hours on school busses between Kindergarten and Grade 12, I’m pretty damn sure that there is no way in hell that 72 high school students, plus kit-bags, musical instruments, ghetto-blasters, etc. are going to fit in a 24-seat bus safely. Someone’s ass is gonna be on the floor. This policy of punishing bus drivers for being concerned about the safety of the bus they’re driving is a dumbass move. There is no way that some administrator, who obviously has no idea what the hell she’s talking about, should be telling an experienced driver to do something that could very well be unsafe, a driver, who by the way, they pay something like 50 bucks a day to be responsible for the lives of all the children on his bus.
Speaking of high school punks, the owners of the Noodle House came out last week saying that they are thinking of selling their business after mobs of students from area schools have started pummeling the side of their restaurant with snowballs. I was shocked, first of all, to hear that the Noodle House is not run by the Mafia, as I’ve been told for years, and secondly, that kids could be this stupid. I always wondered why we were never allowed to leave school grounds back in junior high, and now I realize it was because little pukes like these do stuff like that. Now, no offence to any of you who may have once graced the hallowed halls of Queen Charlotte or Colonel Gray, but you don’t see Souris punks pummeling the Blue Fin at lunch or kids out at Bluefield launching attacks on Bobby Clow’s. Snowballs are for throwing at the faces of friends and at girls that you have crushes on, not for terrorizing restaurants owned by immigrants. Honestly, get a life.
Well, my little heart was broken into a billion little pieces last week. Yeah, it’s true; Moron’s has closed its doors and no one seems to know when they’ll open again. Sure, many feel a great deal of angst towards the city bar, with its crap techno music and 50 Cent remixes and incredibly over-crowded dance floor. Having entered the premises about a month ago, I was confronted by one angry (and rather inebriated) such student who let me know how pissed off she was with the crowdedness, saying “I got a damn photo survey for your Cadre! How much does Myron’s suck!?!” And most of us would have to agree. We’ve all visited the less-than pristine bathrooms, seen the broken bottles, and experienced the occasional rough night and rougher morning that often accompany a trip to Moron’s. And we’ve all seen the fights. Hell, even I’ve been punched in the face a couple time, and I’m like the nicest guy in the history of ever. Perhaps the scariest thing I ever did was to try to survive a sober night at Myron’s while babysitting my ridiculously drunken friends. “No, no, leave her alo…no, put that down, that’s not yours…take that out of your mouth. Take it out. What the hell is she wearing? Frig it’s hot in here! And…oh my God what is that on the floor?”
Still though, I can’t help but thinking, if it weren’t for Moron’s, would there ever be the good old 2 a.m. Kent Street block parties? Where are we going to meet our long-lost buddies now if not in the line-up or on the stairs or in the bathrooms of Moron’s? Where are we going to get our pizza for pub-crawls? Where is everyone that’s back from school for Christmas or Thanksgiving going to meet up? We can’t just go straight to China Garden or Blossoms at 11:00 p.m. Velvet Underground? Sportspage? J.R.’s? Yeah, no thanks. Come on now. Love it or hate it, there’s a place in all of our hearts for Moron’s, a void that will not soon, or possibly ever be completely filled. Sigh. See you at the Wave!
Have a good one!
Spring has sprung here on PEI and us students are right into the books, finishing up term papers and studying for the infamous final exams. Right on cue, Daylight Savings Time will kick in next Sunday to take away an hour of sleep and to give us that extra little kick in the junk that us students need so badly at this time of year. And to help out all that much more, construction workers have jumped into high-gear, banging around metal on the roof of the Library and hurling large chunks of concrete from the top floor of Duffy, just as if they had saved their loudest projects especially for our exam studying time. Ok, sure, I know renovations have to be done on Duffy, especially given the asbestos and the leaks and all that, but do they really have to start dragging new trailers onto campus and making massive trenches of mud during our busiest and most important time of year? Seriously, you don’t want to start pissing off students that are short on sleep, deep in work and that have potent chemicals readily available.
A bus driver from Charlottetown Rural was suspended last week after refusing to drive a bus that he said was too full. Upon inspection by the Vice Principal, she decided that it was not too full, as there were only 56 students on a bus she said was designed to hold 72 students, so she suspended him. Ok, this is the first clue that she is, with all due respect, an idiot. Having spent around 4000 hours on school busses between Kindergarten and Grade 12, I’m pretty damn sure that there is no way in hell that 72 high school students, plus kit-bags, musical instruments, ghetto-blasters, etc. are going to fit in a 24-seat bus safely. Someone’s ass is gonna be on the floor. This policy of punishing bus drivers for being concerned about the safety of the bus they’re driving is a dumbass move. There is no way that some administrator, who obviously has no idea what the hell she’s talking about, should be telling an experienced driver to do something that could very well be unsafe, a driver, who by the way, they pay something like 50 bucks a day to be responsible for the lives of all the children on his bus.
Speaking of high school punks, the owners of the Noodle House came out last week saying that they are thinking of selling their business after mobs of students from area schools have started pummeling the side of their restaurant with snowballs. I was shocked, first of all, to hear that the Noodle House is not run by the Mafia, as I’ve been told for years, and secondly, that kids could be this stupid. I always wondered why we were never allowed to leave school grounds back in junior high, and now I realize it was because little pukes like these do stuff like that. Now, no offence to any of you who may have once graced the hallowed halls of Queen Charlotte or Colonel Gray, but you don’t see Souris punks pummeling the Blue Fin at lunch or kids out at Bluefield launching attacks on Bobby Clow’s. Snowballs are for throwing at the faces of friends and at girls that you have crushes on, not for terrorizing restaurants owned by immigrants. Honestly, get a life.
Well, my little heart was broken into a billion little pieces last week. Yeah, it’s true; Moron’s has closed its doors and no one seems to know when they’ll open again. Sure, many feel a great deal of angst towards the city bar, with its crap techno music and 50 Cent remixes and incredibly over-crowded dance floor. Having entered the premises about a month ago, I was confronted by one angry (and rather inebriated) such student who let me know how pissed off she was with the crowdedness, saying “I got a damn photo survey for your Cadre! How much does Myron’s suck!?!” And most of us would have to agree. We’ve all visited the less-than pristine bathrooms, seen the broken bottles, and experienced the occasional rough night and rougher morning that often accompany a trip to Moron’s. And we’ve all seen the fights. Hell, even I’ve been punched in the face a couple time, and I’m like the nicest guy in the history of ever. Perhaps the scariest thing I ever did was to try to survive a sober night at Myron’s while babysitting my ridiculously drunken friends. “No, no, leave her alo…no, put that down, that’s not yours…take that out of your mouth. Take it out. What the hell is she wearing? Frig it’s hot in here! And…oh my God what is that on the floor?”
Still though, I can’t help but thinking, if it weren’t for Moron’s, would there ever be the good old 2 a.m. Kent Street block parties? Where are we going to meet our long-lost buddies now if not in the line-up or on the stairs or in the bathrooms of Moron’s? Where are we going to get our pizza for pub-crawls? Where is everyone that’s back from school for Christmas or Thanksgiving going to meet up? We can’t just go straight to China Garden or Blossoms at 11:00 p.m. Velvet Underground? Sportspage? J.R.’s? Yeah, no thanks. Come on now. Love it or hate it, there’s a place in all of our hearts for Moron’s, a void that will not soon, or possibly ever be completely filled. Sigh. See you at the Wave!
Have a good one!
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
...And now for something completely different…The Rants of a University Student (#24)
Well top o’ the mornin’ to ya, and a Happy St. Patty’s Day. UPEI students flocked to the Wave in droves this past Thursday, filling it to capacity and showing their Irish pride in fine form. While the names of many student seemed to indicate that they were not, in fact, Irish, this did not seem to hinder them from celebrating in a traditional Irish fashion by singing, dancing, and drinking themselves into oblivion. The chugging of green beer led to many a drunken stupor, leaving a lasting effect here in campus, where at least one class was cut short due to “student extracurricular activity” and 8:30 Friday morning classes were sparsely attended, making for eerily empty classrooms.
Across the pond in Dublin, Ireland, the Irish celebrated St. Patty’s Day in a similar manner, starting off by getting a good drink-on in the morning, and ending off by having 714 people carted off to prison by dinnertime. The following day businesses reported that less then half their regular staff showed up for work, as the nation nursed a collective hangover. In what could very well be the understatement of the year, one pub manager described the crowd as being “Very, very, merry.”
In fact, with the violence and arrests that resulted from that “very merry” crowd, the entire day devoted to the drunken memory of Saint Patrick could have been a complete write-off, had it not been for the parades that had taken place during the day, with a special appearance by Boyzone star Keith Duffy. For those of you who do not recall Boyzone, they are the Irish boy-band that sang When the Going Gets Tough (The Tough Get Going), which, next to Mambo #5 and Who Let the Dogs Out, is quite possibly the worst song ever conceived by man. Boyzone were called “the most promising band of 1995” by a British music Magazine, which is quite a ringing endorsement, until you remember that the mainstream music scene in 1995 consisted of Cotton-Eyed Joe and The Macarena.
Unfortunately Boyzone’s most recent appearance in North America was in Phoenix, Arizona on July 31st, 1997, with no upcoming dates yet announced. But hardcore fans take solace in the fact that their US Fan Website states that “Once again, rumors of a summer USA visit are circulating the internet!” Cross your fingers!
A Newfoundland man who was convicted of driving under the influence last week blamed his inebriation on his consumption of liquor-filled chocolates, but for some reason the judge saw it necessary to penalize this candy-lover (and previously 3-time convicted drunk driver) for his victimless crime of having a sweet tooth. When stopped by the RCMP, his blood alcohol level was approximately double the legal limit, the accumulation of which, by my estimates, would have taken at least 168 liquor-filled chocolates, an amount of alcohol that would have left him feeling nauseous and disoriented, and an amount of chocolate, that by all estimates, would have left him feeling bloated and dead.
Well, a new chapter was added to Pat Binns and the Adventures of his $125,000,000 Deficit last week when the province decided to give $400,000 to Garden Province Meats after already blowing $275,000 in unsecured loans into the firm in September and helping buy $140,000 in new equipment. What is their friggin obsession with throwing money at bad business? When Polar Foods lost money despite making $150 million a year, the government insisted on stepping in and saving jobs, losing about $31 million in the process, and then putting 1,200 jobs in jeopardy anyway. But wait, good old Agriculture Minister Kevin MacAdam made a good point in backing up this government’s moves, saying “I feel bad, I really, really, really feel bad.” Wow Kevin, when you put it that way…
Newsflash! A news release out of Ottawa last week revealed, that among other things, people are not allowed to pack brass knuckles, nunchuks, tear gas, spear guns or gas torches in airline baggage. Well, why the hell not? I think they may be taking this terrorism stuff a bit too far. I mean how is having road flares or hatches or cricket bats in your carry-on baggage in any way detrimental to other passengers? Actually, who made up this list, and when was the last time some moron tried to get on a plane with this kind of stuff? Also, large quantities of homemade liquor-filled chocolates will no longer be permitted on any flights within Canada. Idiots. And listen. Those stupid “Jetsgone” jokes are not funny. Give it a rest.
Have a good one!
Across the pond in Dublin, Ireland, the Irish celebrated St. Patty’s Day in a similar manner, starting off by getting a good drink-on in the morning, and ending off by having 714 people carted off to prison by dinnertime. The following day businesses reported that less then half their regular staff showed up for work, as the nation nursed a collective hangover. In what could very well be the understatement of the year, one pub manager described the crowd as being “Very, very, merry.”
In fact, with the violence and arrests that resulted from that “very merry” crowd, the entire day devoted to the drunken memory of Saint Patrick could have been a complete write-off, had it not been for the parades that had taken place during the day, with a special appearance by Boyzone star Keith Duffy. For those of you who do not recall Boyzone, they are the Irish boy-band that sang When the Going Gets Tough (The Tough Get Going), which, next to Mambo #5 and Who Let the Dogs Out, is quite possibly the worst song ever conceived by man. Boyzone were called “the most promising band of 1995” by a British music Magazine, which is quite a ringing endorsement, until you remember that the mainstream music scene in 1995 consisted of Cotton-Eyed Joe and The Macarena.
Unfortunately Boyzone’s most recent appearance in North America was in Phoenix, Arizona on July 31st, 1997, with no upcoming dates yet announced. But hardcore fans take solace in the fact that their US Fan Website states that “Once again, rumors of a summer USA visit are circulating the internet!” Cross your fingers!
A Newfoundland man who was convicted of driving under the influence last week blamed his inebriation on his consumption of liquor-filled chocolates, but for some reason the judge saw it necessary to penalize this candy-lover (and previously 3-time convicted drunk driver) for his victimless crime of having a sweet tooth. When stopped by the RCMP, his blood alcohol level was approximately double the legal limit, the accumulation of which, by my estimates, would have taken at least 168 liquor-filled chocolates, an amount of alcohol that would have left him feeling nauseous and disoriented, and an amount of chocolate, that by all estimates, would have left him feeling bloated and dead.
Well, a new chapter was added to Pat Binns and the Adventures of his $125,000,000 Deficit last week when the province decided to give $400,000 to Garden Province Meats after already blowing $275,000 in unsecured loans into the firm in September and helping buy $140,000 in new equipment. What is their friggin obsession with throwing money at bad business? When Polar Foods lost money despite making $150 million a year, the government insisted on stepping in and saving jobs, losing about $31 million in the process, and then putting 1,200 jobs in jeopardy anyway. But wait, good old Agriculture Minister Kevin MacAdam made a good point in backing up this government’s moves, saying “I feel bad, I really, really, really feel bad.” Wow Kevin, when you put it that way…
Newsflash! A news release out of Ottawa last week revealed, that among other things, people are not allowed to pack brass knuckles, nunchuks, tear gas, spear guns or gas torches in airline baggage. Well, why the hell not? I think they may be taking this terrorism stuff a bit too far. I mean how is having road flares or hatches or cricket bats in your carry-on baggage in any way detrimental to other passengers? Actually, who made up this list, and when was the last time some moron tried to get on a plane with this kind of stuff? Also, large quantities of homemade liquor-filled chocolates will no longer be permitted on any flights within Canada. Idiots. And listen. Those stupid “Jetsgone” jokes are not funny. Give it a rest.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
…And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#23)
Well Paul Martin’s Liberals made a not-so decisive move recently, deciding to opt-out of the US Missile Defence System. Why the hell would they do that? Would it have something to do with the fact that the Chinese, with an army of 2.5 million people, are not exactly enthralled about the idea? Or maybe because it could spark an arms race which is nicely accented by the fact that North Korea has nuclear arms, are quitting disarmament talks, and are testing long-distance nukes? Not to mention that the American interceptor missiles, that is, the core function of the system, do not work. Some may see it as a drawback that the system, aimed at protecting the US against terrorists and ‘rogue states,’ costs billions of dollars and that will be worth absolute jack if terrorists are flying planes or carrying suitcase bombs.
Of course, there’s not a hell of a lot Canada’s military could do with a nuclear missile heading at us, other than to fling Sea King helicopters at them and hope they get in the way. But I honestly don’t see the need for a multi-billion dollar missile shield, especially in today’s world where the threat comes from terrorist factions, a threat, which in no way includes long-range ICBM capabilities. I’m not saying it’s a good idea to let the Canadian military to continue treading the line of mediocrity and uselessness, but seriously, no one’s gonna nuke us for minding our business, so why stir the water by pissing off all the crazies on the block?
Well, after months of negotiating and arguing and after a threatening resolution was passed by Charlottetown City Council, the NHL and NHLPA may have the issue that is going to force them to get something done. Yeah, that’s right, unless they get a deal done, Dominik Hasek is going to retire. Again. The 40-year-old Dominator made the threat last weekend while Gary Bettman was busy trying to sell the entire league off for a couple billion dollars and Bob Goodenow was off doing…well who the hell cares what he was doing. Hasek first retired in 2002 after winning the Stanley Cup with the Red Wings, but decided to return to the NHL after being charged in the Czech Republic for cross-checking a player in his local amateur league, sitting on him, and then hitting him in the back of the neck repeatedly with his stick. Hasek faced charges of up to $145 for his attack. Wow. That’s only $501,855 less than Bertuzzi got charged for hitting Moore. Poor Hasek. It’s a good thing he’s not Canadian or the NHL might have banned him from hockey too.
The protest ship The Farley Mowat belonging to the environmental group The Sea Shepard Conservation Society was detained by Transport Canada in Halifax last week after it was found that the ship was not environmentally sound for sea travel and that it did not meet oil pollution prevention standards. Calling the detainment political harassment, the captain left port with the Mowat on Friday en route to the Magdalene Islands to film the harp seal hunt. By Sunday, it was publicized that the Mowat, with 28 people from 10 countries on board, was stranded and taking on water in the Cabot Strait. It then had to be towed back to Halifax by the Canadian Coast Guard. At the cost of the taxpayer of course. This ridiculous story about a bunch of morons on the high seas is made even more idiotic by the fact that the group is represented by the always-suave Richard Dean Anderson of MacGyver. “MacGyver! The boat is sinking!” “Oh no! Quick, get me a fork, WD-40 and a cow!”
Legendary rapper and humanitarian 50 Cent has found his way back into the Much Music Top 30 Countdown this week with the romantically poignant ballad ‘Candy Shop.’ For those of you who have not heard it, a sampling of the poetic verse, seemingly directed at his one and only love, or at least his flavour of the week, reads “If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho.” and “In the hotel or in the back of the rental.” Listeners who are intellectually engaged and intrigued by the riveting lyrics, can visit 50’s website, which features a picture of him leveling an automatic rifle at the screen, which tastefully fires at the viewer as the page loads. Despite his gun-happy tendencies, I am rather quite amused by Mr. Cent’s attempts to prove how ‘gangsta’ he is, as I am with that of his good friend Lloyd Banks (author of the lyrically-rich ‘If You So Gangsta’). Some may think there is something wrong with promoting a lifestyle that results in the deaths of thousands of people every year, most notably among men within their own demographic, but hey, boys will be boys right?
Having said that, I am getting pretty sick of artists who insist on complaining all the time about how bad they have it and about how mentally strenuous it is to make millions of dollars for singing songs now and then. Does this not piss anyone else off? I mean J. Lo never shuts up about how real she is, i.e. ‘I’m Real,’ and ‘Jenny From the Block.’ I mean sure, she was born in the Bronx, but given the $1 billion insurance policy she took out on her own body, I doubt Jenny hangs around the block all that much anymore.
And who is this Lindsay Lohan character? I mean come on now, her voice is so digitally altered she may as well not sing at all and just dance around to an old remix of Cher or something. And talk about whiney. The very first single from her CD was Rumours, a song about how hard it is for her to deal with the overwhelming media attention everywhere she goes. Awwwww. Muffin. You know, if it’s so damn hard to deal with, then just shut the hell up and do something else. And not that I’m condemning your career direction or anything, but if you’re looking for an Amish-style peaceful life, dancing around in your underwear is not really the way to do it.
Have a good one!
Of course, there’s not a hell of a lot Canada’s military could do with a nuclear missile heading at us, other than to fling Sea King helicopters at them and hope they get in the way. But I honestly don’t see the need for a multi-billion dollar missile shield, especially in today’s world where the threat comes from terrorist factions, a threat, which in no way includes long-range ICBM capabilities. I’m not saying it’s a good idea to let the Canadian military to continue treading the line of mediocrity and uselessness, but seriously, no one’s gonna nuke us for minding our business, so why stir the water by pissing off all the crazies on the block?
Well, after months of negotiating and arguing and after a threatening resolution was passed by Charlottetown City Council, the NHL and NHLPA may have the issue that is going to force them to get something done. Yeah, that’s right, unless they get a deal done, Dominik Hasek is going to retire. Again. The 40-year-old Dominator made the threat last weekend while Gary Bettman was busy trying to sell the entire league off for a couple billion dollars and Bob Goodenow was off doing…well who the hell cares what he was doing. Hasek first retired in 2002 after winning the Stanley Cup with the Red Wings, but decided to return to the NHL after being charged in the Czech Republic for cross-checking a player in his local amateur league, sitting on him, and then hitting him in the back of the neck repeatedly with his stick. Hasek faced charges of up to $145 for his attack. Wow. That’s only $501,855 less than Bertuzzi got charged for hitting Moore. Poor Hasek. It’s a good thing he’s not Canadian or the NHL might have banned him from hockey too.
The protest ship The Farley Mowat belonging to the environmental group The Sea Shepard Conservation Society was detained by Transport Canada in Halifax last week after it was found that the ship was not environmentally sound for sea travel and that it did not meet oil pollution prevention standards. Calling the detainment political harassment, the captain left port with the Mowat on Friday en route to the Magdalene Islands to film the harp seal hunt. By Sunday, it was publicized that the Mowat, with 28 people from 10 countries on board, was stranded and taking on water in the Cabot Strait. It then had to be towed back to Halifax by the Canadian Coast Guard. At the cost of the taxpayer of course. This ridiculous story about a bunch of morons on the high seas is made even more idiotic by the fact that the group is represented by the always-suave Richard Dean Anderson of MacGyver. “MacGyver! The boat is sinking!” “Oh no! Quick, get me a fork, WD-40 and a cow!”
Legendary rapper and humanitarian 50 Cent has found his way back into the Much Music Top 30 Countdown this week with the romantically poignant ballad ‘Candy Shop.’ For those of you who have not heard it, a sampling of the poetic verse, seemingly directed at his one and only love, or at least his flavour of the week, reads “If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho.” and “In the hotel or in the back of the rental.” Listeners who are intellectually engaged and intrigued by the riveting lyrics, can visit 50’s website, which features a picture of him leveling an automatic rifle at the screen, which tastefully fires at the viewer as the page loads. Despite his gun-happy tendencies, I am rather quite amused by Mr. Cent’s attempts to prove how ‘gangsta’ he is, as I am with that of his good friend Lloyd Banks (author of the lyrically-rich ‘If You So Gangsta’). Some may think there is something wrong with promoting a lifestyle that results in the deaths of thousands of people every year, most notably among men within their own demographic, but hey, boys will be boys right?
Having said that, I am getting pretty sick of artists who insist on complaining all the time about how bad they have it and about how mentally strenuous it is to make millions of dollars for singing songs now and then. Does this not piss anyone else off? I mean J. Lo never shuts up about how real she is, i.e. ‘I’m Real,’ and ‘Jenny From the Block.’ I mean sure, she was born in the Bronx, but given the $1 billion insurance policy she took out on her own body, I doubt Jenny hangs around the block all that much anymore.
And who is this Lindsay Lohan character? I mean come on now, her voice is so digitally altered she may as well not sing at all and just dance around to an old remix of Cher or something. And talk about whiney. The very first single from her CD was Rumours, a song about how hard it is for her to deal with the overwhelming media attention everywhere she goes. Awwwww. Muffin. You know, if it’s so damn hard to deal with, then just shut the hell up and do something else. And not that I’m condemning your career direction or anything, but if you’re looking for an Amish-style peaceful life, dancing around in your underwear is not really the way to do it.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#22)
Well, clap your hands for the dancing morons. Yes, good old Gary “I left my self-respect in my other pants” Bettman and Bob “My head is way up my ass” Goodenow could not save the NHL season. I mean, come on, here are two guys that don’t have enough combined brain cells firing to figure out that the game they’re destroying is the same one that employs them. Nice one brainwave. The players don’t really have a valid argument to stand on either, I mean sure it’d be nice to have a few more bucks to gas-up your Hummer now and then, but if there’s no hockey, forget salary caps, there’s no salary, period. Idiots.
It’s not like the average salary is below the poverty line anyway. No player in the NHL makes under $180,000 a year. Yeah, good luck making that with a BA in Political Studies. I don’t know how much hockey you watch, but Aki Berg made $1.4 million last year. Aki Berg! He’s like a friggin pylon on skates. Jaromir Jagr made 11.3, which, if anyone’s counting, is roughly 100 times what our Prime Minister makes. I think its time to sit down, shut the hell up, and make some damn concessions. It’s pretty hard to collect $11.3 million in pogey.
Steve Moore, the Colorado Avalanche hockey player that was hospitalized after Vancouver Canuck Todd Bertuzzi sent him to the ice with a cheap shot was back in the news last week filing civil charges against Bertuzzi and others within the Canucks organization. OK Moore, we get it, you got hurt real bad in a hockey game and you want someone to pay for it. You’d think though, after Bertuzzi was banned from the NHL and the IIHF, was forced to pay over half a million dollars in fines (more than Moore would make in and entire year), was demonized by the media and in tears, publicly apologized to Moore and asked to speak with him personally, that Moore would have the common decency to give him a break. But no. Moore decided it’d be much more manly of him to deny Bertuzzi a personal audience with him and instead heap civil charges of assault, battery and negligence on Bertuzzi. Let me just say something here: Newsflash! Hockey is not for wusses. I should know, as a self-proclaimed wuss, I do not play the sport. Steve Moore knew damnwell when he elbowed Canuck captain Marcus Naslund in the face, giving him a concussion, that retribution was owed. When he wouldn’t face Bertuzzi man-to-man in a fight, Bertuzzi took him down. Granted, he took him down in an illegal and vicious manner, which was uncalled for, but this isn’t Peewee, Moore knew the rules, both written and unwritten. Although I don’t think Bertuzzi should’ve hammered Moore to the ice, I also don’t think Moore, a player-for-hire from the AHL, should’ve elbowed Vancouver;s finesse player Naslund in the face, nor should he be portrayed by the media as some innocent angel while Bertuzzi gets compared to Hitler and bin Laden. Participants in NHL hockey agree to certain inherent risks just by playing the sport. Alex Mogilny broke his femur, Ace Bailey fractured his skull, Clint Malachuk had his throat cut by an errant skate, Norman Lévillé suffered brain damage, Howie Morenz, perhaps one of the best ever players in the league, died at the age of 34, 6 weeks after breaking his leg in a freak accident on the ice. I’m not saying that violence is justified, but injuries do happen, intentional or otherwise, and Moore was under no illusions when he laced up his skates. Like flying or jumping off libraries or driving into oncoming traffic, these are the realities and risks that are associated with sport.
I think it was Toronto star Ace Bailey that said, after Eddie Shack hit him, fracturing his skull and ending his career “That’s alright Eddie, It’s all a part of the game.” So yeah Moore, it sucks you got hurt, but crying won’t change that. Try and get on with your life, and maybe salvage some dignity in the process. After the lawsuit was announced, Marcus Naslund came out and told the media that this move was nothing more than a money-grab for Moore, saying, “he’s suing everyone because he wasn’t a good enough hockey player to make a lucrative earning in the NHL.” Since I can describe Moore’s character no better, I will leave it at that.
And finally, for all you die-hard lovesick Valentine’s Day people, a man from Los Angeles, California landed in Manitoba hospital last week suffering from severe frostbite after attempting to walk from North Dakota to Winnipeg to see his girlfriend. The two had met online and the love-stricken man was so intent on meeting her that he decided to sneak across the Canadian border on foot. When asked for comment he said that he was unaware of what the weather conditions would be like. Hmmmm. Western Canada in February. What are the chances this guy voted Bush?
Have a good one!
It’s not like the average salary is below the poverty line anyway. No player in the NHL makes under $180,000 a year. Yeah, good luck making that with a BA in Political Studies. I don’t know how much hockey you watch, but Aki Berg made $1.4 million last year. Aki Berg! He’s like a friggin pylon on skates. Jaromir Jagr made 11.3, which, if anyone’s counting, is roughly 100 times what our Prime Minister makes. I think its time to sit down, shut the hell up, and make some damn concessions. It’s pretty hard to collect $11.3 million in pogey.
Steve Moore, the Colorado Avalanche hockey player that was hospitalized after Vancouver Canuck Todd Bertuzzi sent him to the ice with a cheap shot was back in the news last week filing civil charges against Bertuzzi and others within the Canucks organization. OK Moore, we get it, you got hurt real bad in a hockey game and you want someone to pay for it. You’d think though, after Bertuzzi was banned from the NHL and the IIHF, was forced to pay over half a million dollars in fines (more than Moore would make in and entire year), was demonized by the media and in tears, publicly apologized to Moore and asked to speak with him personally, that Moore would have the common decency to give him a break. But no. Moore decided it’d be much more manly of him to deny Bertuzzi a personal audience with him and instead heap civil charges of assault, battery and negligence on Bertuzzi. Let me just say something here: Newsflash! Hockey is not for wusses. I should know, as a self-proclaimed wuss, I do not play the sport. Steve Moore knew damnwell when he elbowed Canuck captain Marcus Naslund in the face, giving him a concussion, that retribution was owed. When he wouldn’t face Bertuzzi man-to-man in a fight, Bertuzzi took him down. Granted, he took him down in an illegal and vicious manner, which was uncalled for, but this isn’t Peewee, Moore knew the rules, both written and unwritten. Although I don’t think Bertuzzi should’ve hammered Moore to the ice, I also don’t think Moore, a player-for-hire from the AHL, should’ve elbowed Vancouver;s finesse player Naslund in the face, nor should he be portrayed by the media as some innocent angel while Bertuzzi gets compared to Hitler and bin Laden. Participants in NHL hockey agree to certain inherent risks just by playing the sport. Alex Mogilny broke his femur, Ace Bailey fractured his skull, Clint Malachuk had his throat cut by an errant skate, Norman Lévillé suffered brain damage, Howie Morenz, perhaps one of the best ever players in the league, died at the age of 34, 6 weeks after breaking his leg in a freak accident on the ice. I’m not saying that violence is justified, but injuries do happen, intentional or otherwise, and Moore was under no illusions when he laced up his skates. Like flying or jumping off libraries or driving into oncoming traffic, these are the realities and risks that are associated with sport.
I think it was Toronto star Ace Bailey that said, after Eddie Shack hit him, fracturing his skull and ending his career “That’s alright Eddie, It’s all a part of the game.” So yeah Moore, it sucks you got hurt, but crying won’t change that. Try and get on with your life, and maybe salvage some dignity in the process. After the lawsuit was announced, Marcus Naslund came out and told the media that this move was nothing more than a money-grab for Moore, saying, “he’s suing everyone because he wasn’t a good enough hockey player to make a lucrative earning in the NHL.” Since I can describe Moore’s character no better, I will leave it at that.
And finally, for all you die-hard lovesick Valentine’s Day people, a man from Los Angeles, California landed in Manitoba hospital last week suffering from severe frostbite after attempting to walk from North Dakota to Winnipeg to see his girlfriend. The two had met online and the love-stricken man was so intent on meeting her that he decided to sneak across the Canadian border on foot. When asked for comment he said that he was unaware of what the weather conditions would be like. Hmmmm. Western Canada in February. What are the chances this guy voted Bush?
Have a good one!
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#21)
In a stunning ceremony last week, the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (North Korea) released official government policy stating that long-haired men are immoral and that long-hair goes against the spirit of socialism. A new public announcement campaign now runs commercials entitled: "Let us trim our hair in accordance with socialist lifestyle." Yes. Let us trim our hair you wacky communist bastardy. Apparently the enlightened totalitarian regime of North Korea has discovered, through legitimate scientific sources of course, that long hair consumes nutrients and deprives the brain of much-needed energy. Now, I’m no Science Student, in fact, the only thing that I remember from high school biology is that ducks are arachnids, (Just kidding. They’re molluscs.) but I’m pretty sure that hair is made up mostly of dead cells and that it takes very little ‘brain energy.’ But you know, this theory could go a long way to explain the mental deficiencies of people like Billy Ray Cyrus and Ozzy Osbourne and Kenny G. While I would more likely attribute Ozzy’s lack of brain activity to years of his ‘recreational activities’ and Kenny G’s to multiple school-yard beatings as a child, who am I to argue with the science geniuses of North Korea? Either way, I say those old commies can’t be all that bad. Maybe it’s time we shook hands and got over all this nonsense about nuclear warheads and human rights violations and adopt some of their ideas. Hell, maybe we too should outlaw men’s long hair in North America and see what we can do about getting Michael Bolton executed.
His majesty Ralph Klein of Alberta has approved an initiative that will give tax-breaks for people who join fitness centres in the province, saying: "I think it’s a wonderful idea because I happen to belong to a gym." Yeah right Ralph. Klein has up to now been an exceptional role model for others in his province and right across this country, most notably in tearing apart the health care system, belittling easterners and in wandering into homeless shelters in a drunken stupor and calling the men there out-of-work slobs. No word yet on if people will also be offered tax breaks for joining AA.
Lock the door! The Hazelbrook disposal site is on fire again! Just in case you thought that things like the Springfield tire fire on The Simpsons only happened on TV, The Guardian reported last week that the infamous garbage pit in Hazelbrook is, indeed, once again aflame. Before the fire was extinguished, it had burned through December and into January, but one man reportedly said that he had smelled smoke as early as summer 2004 and saw smoke in September but "figured it was just steam." The heart-stopping drama seized the community once again last week when one eye-witness confirmed that he had seen actual flames coming up from the pit. "I think that’s the first time they had real flames." Well congratulations. Next week - "Hazelbrook: Shallow Gene Pool or Tainted Water?" Morons.
It was like a very bad dream. "Studios are going to make another remake!...of Footloose!...starring Britney Spears!" I don’t know whether to kick off my Sunday shoes or to run into on-coming traffic. Now typically I would assume that movie producers would have the common decency to only re-create those movies that contained the semblance of a logical plot and would try to improve on the original casting by hiring capable actors. I mean you don’t see them planning a remake of Battlefield Earth with Clay Aiken. These plans for Footloose, however, do not seem to follow my logic. Spears would not know acting if it punched her in the face and a story about a community that outlaws dancing on the basis that it is morally and physically dangerous was not plausible in 1984 and is not plausible now. That is, unless you live in Hazelbrook (‘Home of Burning Garbage’).
I received quite a few comments last week saying that my remarks about a student who was injured after jumping off Robertson Library were insensitive and cruel. I tried to explain that in my humble opinion, that anyone who does stupid stuff deserves what they get. One of my friends then reminded me of a time we went sledding a few years back when a member of our group, intent on inspiring excitement, came up with the brilliant idea of laying down on the hill and creating a human ramp by placing a sled on an angle and resting it on his head. Slope and angles, however, were not his strong suit, and so when someone came barreling down the hill, they hit the human ramp, which was not-so-conveniently placed at a 90̊ angle, at great speed, hit the ramp and stopped dead, thus transferring all the inertia in to the human ramp, delivering crushing pain to his head. To add insult to injury, after writhing around in pain on the ground for awhile (he later found out that the collision had torn many of the muscles in his chest) the human ramp decided it was time to go, jumped in his car, slid through the ice on the driveway, and drove directly into the ditch. If memory serves me correct his name was Ryan Gallant. Oops.
Have a good one!
His majesty Ralph Klein of Alberta has approved an initiative that will give tax-breaks for people who join fitness centres in the province, saying: "I think it’s a wonderful idea because I happen to belong to a gym." Yeah right Ralph. Klein has up to now been an exceptional role model for others in his province and right across this country, most notably in tearing apart the health care system, belittling easterners and in wandering into homeless shelters in a drunken stupor and calling the men there out-of-work slobs. No word yet on if people will also be offered tax breaks for joining AA.
Lock the door! The Hazelbrook disposal site is on fire again! Just in case you thought that things like the Springfield tire fire on The Simpsons only happened on TV, The Guardian reported last week that the infamous garbage pit in Hazelbrook is, indeed, once again aflame. Before the fire was extinguished, it had burned through December and into January, but one man reportedly said that he had smelled smoke as early as summer 2004 and saw smoke in September but "figured it was just steam." The heart-stopping drama seized the community once again last week when one eye-witness confirmed that he had seen actual flames coming up from the pit. "I think that’s the first time they had real flames." Well congratulations. Next week - "Hazelbrook: Shallow Gene Pool or Tainted Water?" Morons.
It was like a very bad dream. "Studios are going to make another remake!...of Footloose!...starring Britney Spears!" I don’t know whether to kick off my Sunday shoes or to run into on-coming traffic. Now typically I would assume that movie producers would have the common decency to only re-create those movies that contained the semblance of a logical plot and would try to improve on the original casting by hiring capable actors. I mean you don’t see them planning a remake of Battlefield Earth with Clay Aiken. These plans for Footloose, however, do not seem to follow my logic. Spears would not know acting if it punched her in the face and a story about a community that outlaws dancing on the basis that it is morally and physically dangerous was not plausible in 1984 and is not plausible now. That is, unless you live in Hazelbrook (‘Home of Burning Garbage’).
I received quite a few comments last week saying that my remarks about a student who was injured after jumping off Robertson Library were insensitive and cruel. I tried to explain that in my humble opinion, that anyone who does stupid stuff deserves what they get. One of my friends then reminded me of a time we went sledding a few years back when a member of our group, intent on inspiring excitement, came up with the brilliant idea of laying down on the hill and creating a human ramp by placing a sled on an angle and resting it on his head. Slope and angles, however, were not his strong suit, and so when someone came barreling down the hill, they hit the human ramp, which was not-so-conveniently placed at a 90̊ angle, at great speed, hit the ramp and stopped dead, thus transferring all the inertia in to the human ramp, delivering crushing pain to his head. To add insult to injury, after writhing around in pain on the ground for awhile (he later found out that the collision had torn many of the muscles in his chest) the human ramp decided it was time to go, jumped in his car, slid through the ice on the driveway, and drove directly into the ditch. If memory serves me correct his name was Ryan Gallant. Oops.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#20)
It would seem that when snow starts falling from the sky here on PEI drivers everywhere randomly lapse into a collective state of dementia and irrationality, almost instantly forgetting how to operate a motor vehicle and how to perform the simplest of tasks, namely using a turn signal. It is my theory that with each 10 centimetres of snow, the average Island driver drops about 34 IQ points. Except for hockey Moms driving mini-vans and SUVs. They drop at least double that.
Speaking of which, why do non-students who use the Sports Centre and CARI facility get to park wherever the hell they want on campus? We students, who pay upwards of two left arms to come to UPEI and have to deal with the UPEI Parking Gestapo every damn day, and after paying $80 parking fees, are still not guaranteed parking places anywhere within the same time zone as our classes. A large reason for this is because the CARI facility and UPEI Administration figured it would be a good idea to take out a few existing parking lots and build a massive 300-space parking lot that goes, for the most part, unused, as it is closed off to students during the day. I would like to meet the brainwave who came up with this stellar idea. It wouldn’t even bother me that much if the CARI lot was put to good use, like maybe as a parking area for people that utilize the facility. But nooo. It seems that they would rather park along the road and in the no-parking areas in front of the Sports Centre, impeding traffic and taking away spots for students who have night courses.
Now, you would think that, given the near-orgasmic joy that Security seems to get out of towing student cars away, they would simply explode into psychotic fits of senseless euphoria at the sight of so many vehicles violating every known parking regulation at UPEI. So what do they do? Not a damn thing. Whether they are just making another coffee run to Tim Horton’s or are too busy not answering the phone, it seems that Security only gets their kicks out of penalizing people who least deserve it and can least afford it.
Proof that PEI drivers do not have a monopoly in snow-induced stupidity, a UPEI student was hospitalized last week after jumping off the roof of Robertson Library into a pile of snow that just happened to be located over piles of concrete bricks. Nice one genius. In addition to losing a great deal of his dignity, this student came away from the jump/fall with a few broken vertebrae, thus requiring a plough to create a path in the middle of a storm so as to enable an ambulance to get to him. For once, I truly am sorry. I do feel your pain and hope that your recovery is a rapid and complete one. Just don’t expect to win any Brightness Awards for 2005.
Hold the phone! Jenny from the block wants a name change! No more J.Lo! Riiight. So you use your fame and fortune to shamelessly parade around in your own corpulence while insisting you’re still as ghetto as everyone else and then decide you don’t want people to call you by the nickname that you made up for yourself anymore? Listen dear: you’re about as ghetto as my family out in Rustico. Besides, hasn’t anyone ever told you that it’s not cool to make up nicknames for yourself? You may be able to push around your little husband Marc Anthony, but the general public is not at your mercy. When you swim in a talent pool as shallow as your own and when your 15 minutes as Jenny or J.Lo or Bennifer or whoever are quickly ticking away you should remember that the entertainment world is a fickle place. I would suggest that you stop ordering people around before they get tired of your antics. Sure, maybe they’ll stop calling you J.Lo; but instead they may start calling you what they’ve been calling good old Marc Anthony for years: Done.
The number one cause of migraines and road rage seems poised to rear its ugly head again. Yes, you guessed it: The Backstreet Boys have announced that they will release another album sometime this year. Does this not seem wrong to anyone else? First of all, nothing about these guys denotes anything “backstreet” and the oldest “boy” is now probably closer to his first pension cheque than to his brush with puberty. Now that their original hardcore fans are now pushing 30, I think a name change, if not death by packs of rabid wolves, would be the very least they could do to improve their image. It seems a more apt name for them would now be The Suburban White-Trash Middle-Aged Yuppies That Should’ve Been Put Out of Their Misery a Good Ten Years Ago.
Oh, but don’t get me wrong, if you have no problem letting 12 and 13 year old girls worship 48 year-old alcoholics, you’re entitled to your own opinion, just as long as you realize that I’m right and that your opinion is totally wrong. And I know I am going to get at least 94 emails saying, “Ryan, you idiot, the oldest Backstreet Boy is Kevin ‘Kevy-Kev’ Richardson and he was born on October 3rd, 1972 and he’s only 32 and he had green eyes and he loves Elton John and his favorite dessert is Reese’s Pieces Sundaes.” Yes. These types of people scare the hell out of me. Just don’t expect to see many people waiting in line for tickets other than prostitots and 26-year-old fans still living somewhere back in 1995. Well, them and Paul Allen.
Have a good one!
Speaking of which, why do non-students who use the Sports Centre and CARI facility get to park wherever the hell they want on campus? We students, who pay upwards of two left arms to come to UPEI and have to deal with the UPEI Parking Gestapo every damn day, and after paying $80 parking fees, are still not guaranteed parking places anywhere within the same time zone as our classes. A large reason for this is because the CARI facility and UPEI Administration figured it would be a good idea to take out a few existing parking lots and build a massive 300-space parking lot that goes, for the most part, unused, as it is closed off to students during the day. I would like to meet the brainwave who came up with this stellar idea. It wouldn’t even bother me that much if the CARI lot was put to good use, like maybe as a parking area for people that utilize the facility. But nooo. It seems that they would rather park along the road and in the no-parking areas in front of the Sports Centre, impeding traffic and taking away spots for students who have night courses.
Now, you would think that, given the near-orgasmic joy that Security seems to get out of towing student cars away, they would simply explode into psychotic fits of senseless euphoria at the sight of so many vehicles violating every known parking regulation at UPEI. So what do they do? Not a damn thing. Whether they are just making another coffee run to Tim Horton’s or are too busy not answering the phone, it seems that Security only gets their kicks out of penalizing people who least deserve it and can least afford it.
Proof that PEI drivers do not have a monopoly in snow-induced stupidity, a UPEI student was hospitalized last week after jumping off the roof of Robertson Library into a pile of snow that just happened to be located over piles of concrete bricks. Nice one genius. In addition to losing a great deal of his dignity, this student came away from the jump/fall with a few broken vertebrae, thus requiring a plough to create a path in the middle of a storm so as to enable an ambulance to get to him. For once, I truly am sorry. I do feel your pain and hope that your recovery is a rapid and complete one. Just don’t expect to win any Brightness Awards for 2005.
Hold the phone! Jenny from the block wants a name change! No more J.Lo! Riiight. So you use your fame and fortune to shamelessly parade around in your own corpulence while insisting you’re still as ghetto as everyone else and then decide you don’t want people to call you by the nickname that you made up for yourself anymore? Listen dear: you’re about as ghetto as my family out in Rustico. Besides, hasn’t anyone ever told you that it’s not cool to make up nicknames for yourself? You may be able to push around your little husband Marc Anthony, but the general public is not at your mercy. When you swim in a talent pool as shallow as your own and when your 15 minutes as Jenny or J.Lo or Bennifer or whoever are quickly ticking away you should remember that the entertainment world is a fickle place. I would suggest that you stop ordering people around before they get tired of your antics. Sure, maybe they’ll stop calling you J.Lo; but instead they may start calling you what they’ve been calling good old Marc Anthony for years: Done.
The number one cause of migraines and road rage seems poised to rear its ugly head again. Yes, you guessed it: The Backstreet Boys have announced that they will release another album sometime this year. Does this not seem wrong to anyone else? First of all, nothing about these guys denotes anything “backstreet” and the oldest “boy” is now probably closer to his first pension cheque than to his brush with puberty. Now that their original hardcore fans are now pushing 30, I think a name change, if not death by packs of rabid wolves, would be the very least they could do to improve their image. It seems a more apt name for them would now be The Suburban White-Trash Middle-Aged Yuppies That Should’ve Been Put Out of Their Misery a Good Ten Years Ago.
Oh, but don’t get me wrong, if you have no problem letting 12 and 13 year old girls worship 48 year-old alcoholics, you’re entitled to your own opinion, just as long as you realize that I’m right and that your opinion is totally wrong. And I know I am going to get at least 94 emails saying, “Ryan, you idiot, the oldest Backstreet Boy is Kevin ‘Kevy-Kev’ Richardson and he was born on October 3rd, 1972 and he’s only 32 and he had green eyes and he loves Elton John and his favorite dessert is Reese’s Pieces Sundaes.” Yes. These types of people scare the hell out of me. Just don’t expect to see many people waiting in line for tickets other than prostitots and 26-year-old fans still living somewhere back in 1995. Well, them and Paul Allen.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#19)
Well student loans are back in season and once again and university students are being told, among other things, that they make way too much money. Riiight. Tuition has quadrupled in the last decade and students are trying to get more money to pay for it? Damned students. Yes, you’re right, we students are dirty little monsters hoarding our piles of part-time employment money under our beds while we throw away their precious loans on any filthy pleasure that strikes our fancy, like food. God forbid. Since when is living near the poverty line “too much money?”
The seemingly impossible occurred this past week when UPEI Administration decided to cancel classes at UPEI first thing in the morning. Weird. It is usually customary to wait until everyone is at school already, and THEN cancel classes so that students will be able to experience driving in the worst possible conditions. There is a rumour on campus that in the event of the impending apocalypse, the cancellation announcements on Magic 93 would sound something like this: Paul Allen: (in his infinite wisdom) “The world has come to and end…Classes will continue as scheduled at UPEI.”
I was shocked to hear, that last week, for the first time in human history, that the Eastern School District was closed for the day while the Western District remained open. Back in my day I recall trudging through driving snow, following behind ploughs, even having the bus ditched once or twice, but we never just up and cancelled school for no damn reason. Meanwhile, over in the Western District, anything more than a slight breeze blowing the Canadian flag above TOSH would incite the declaration of a disaster area and close the entire Western District for days on end. Times have changed I guess. Take THAT Westisle. Punks.
Once again the British Royal family has shown that they are way ahead of the intellectual curve, as Prince Harry decided it would be a fantastic idea to dress up as a Nazi for a costume party. Good one Harry. Pursuant to his actions, the European Union is now considering banning Nazi symbols. What? Already? You think you’d give them a chance to redeem themselves. Or, and this is just a suggestion here, maybe they could’ve banned them back when the Nazis were tearing across Europe and systematically murdering 8 million people. But I mean, come on, that was 60 years ago right? I guess Prince Harry thinks we should just get over it already. Dumbass.
Well those in the upper echelons of the Bush administration celebrated their extended four years in the White House last week, re-iterating their lofty ideals of world peace and democracy by announcing that “America stands with the oppressed people on every continent, in Cuba and Burma and North Korea and Iran, and Zimbabwe.” Although Bush mentioned ‘every continent’ it is yet unclear what oppressed people he was talking about in North America. It is assumed he was not referring to the poverty stricken and destitute Americans who are still suffering from his first term in office. In his speech during his $40 million inauguration last Thursday, he also stated that “All those who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know: The United States will not ignore your oppression, or excuse your oppressors. When you stand for liberty, we stand with you.” Given the deaths of 100,000 Iraqi civilians since the beginning of “Operation Enduring Freedom,” the “oppressed” of the world are beginning to wonder if they really want the Americans standing with them. Never before has freedom been so aggressively forced on the “unfree” of the world.
Finally, Charlottetown City Council passed a resolution last week stating that the NHL and the NHLPA should get back to the bargaining table to resolve the current lockout. Oh no! Not the incredible power of the Charlottetown City Council! I can just imagine the meetings called after word reached both sides of the disputing factions, with Gary Bettman and Bob Goodenow wringing their hands in despair. “Oh no! We’ve pissed off Charlottetown,” and “Seeing as Charlottetown City Council has so much bearing on world events we’d better do what they say!” What can only be assumed to be a direct result of the Council meeting, negotiations re-opened soon after. Following this success, Charlottetown City Council now intends to tackle the issues of global terrorism and nuclear arms proliferation.
Have a good one!
The seemingly impossible occurred this past week when UPEI Administration decided to cancel classes at UPEI first thing in the morning. Weird. It is usually customary to wait until everyone is at school already, and THEN cancel classes so that students will be able to experience driving in the worst possible conditions. There is a rumour on campus that in the event of the impending apocalypse, the cancellation announcements on Magic 93 would sound something like this: Paul Allen: (in his infinite wisdom) “The world has come to and end…Classes will continue as scheduled at UPEI.”
I was shocked to hear, that last week, for the first time in human history, that the Eastern School District was closed for the day while the Western District remained open. Back in my day I recall trudging through driving snow, following behind ploughs, even having the bus ditched once or twice, but we never just up and cancelled school for no damn reason. Meanwhile, over in the Western District, anything more than a slight breeze blowing the Canadian flag above TOSH would incite the declaration of a disaster area and close the entire Western District for days on end. Times have changed I guess. Take THAT Westisle. Punks.
Once again the British Royal family has shown that they are way ahead of the intellectual curve, as Prince Harry decided it would be a fantastic idea to dress up as a Nazi for a costume party. Good one Harry. Pursuant to his actions, the European Union is now considering banning Nazi symbols. What? Already? You think you’d give them a chance to redeem themselves. Or, and this is just a suggestion here, maybe they could’ve banned them back when the Nazis were tearing across Europe and systematically murdering 8 million people. But I mean, come on, that was 60 years ago right? I guess Prince Harry thinks we should just get over it already. Dumbass.
Well those in the upper echelons of the Bush administration celebrated their extended four years in the White House last week, re-iterating their lofty ideals of world peace and democracy by announcing that “America stands with the oppressed people on every continent, in Cuba and Burma and North Korea and Iran, and Zimbabwe.” Although Bush mentioned ‘every continent’ it is yet unclear what oppressed people he was talking about in North America. It is assumed he was not referring to the poverty stricken and destitute Americans who are still suffering from his first term in office. In his speech during his $40 million inauguration last Thursday, he also stated that “All those who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know: The United States will not ignore your oppression, or excuse your oppressors. When you stand for liberty, we stand with you.” Given the deaths of 100,000 Iraqi civilians since the beginning of “Operation Enduring Freedom,” the “oppressed” of the world are beginning to wonder if they really want the Americans standing with them. Never before has freedom been so aggressively forced on the “unfree” of the world.
Finally, Charlottetown City Council passed a resolution last week stating that the NHL and the NHLPA should get back to the bargaining table to resolve the current lockout. Oh no! Not the incredible power of the Charlottetown City Council! I can just imagine the meetings called after word reached both sides of the disputing factions, with Gary Bettman and Bob Goodenow wringing their hands in despair. “Oh no! We’ve pissed off Charlottetown,” and “Seeing as Charlottetown City Council has so much bearing on world events we’d better do what they say!” What can only be assumed to be a direct result of the Council meeting, negotiations re-opened soon after. Following this success, Charlottetown City Council now intends to tackle the issues of global terrorism and nuclear arms proliferation.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#18)
So I think I’ve had just about as much as I can stand of people I don’t know and relatives I’ve never seen pretending that they care what is going on in my life. "How’s school going?" "Was Santa good to you?" Who the hell cares? Obviously you don’t know enough about me to formulate a half-sensible question, so don’t think I’ll be offended if you spare me your stupid-ass and redundant questions. Frig.
Well, the Russians certainly had their asses handed to them last week as Canada decimated those communist show-boaters in the final game of the IIHF World Junior Championships. Canada once again showed that while we may suck at a lot of other stuff (i.e. NBA basketball, running a military, Celine Dion, etc.), that we are still the world super-power when it comes to hockey. Canada dominated the opposition throughout the tournament out-scoring them 41-7 and capped the final game by demoralizing the Russians 6-1, winning for Canada its first World Juniors title in 8 years. "Eight years?" you say. "That doesn’t seem like much of a super-power to me." Well that may be true, if Canada did not also hold the Olympic, World Cup and World Champion titles now as well.
It was announced this past month that Tom Ridge, the first ever director of the Department of Homeland Security in the US, will be stepping down rather than sticking around for another kick at the can with the administration of Bush n’ friends. It has been said that Ridge’s most decisive accomplishment in the 3 years since he took the position was creating the Homeland Security Advisory System, a system that indicates, based on intelligence, what the level of threat is of a terrorist attack in the US. Wow. Good job Tommy! You may as well retire, few get to savour the glory of creating a national colour-coding scheme. And apparently it works. Not one foreign-sponsored terrorist attack has taken place on US soil since he took over the DHS. This could mean one of three things, 1) The "Elevated" (or "Yellow") level of Ridge’s precious scale means squat, 2) assigning pretty colours according to threat levels can truly unite the US, in fear if nothing else, or 3) bombing 3rd world countries into the Stone Age works.
Anne McRae showed up her counterpart Paul Allen last month by proving that he was not the only dumb ass on island radio. I swear, I could not make this up: "The temperature was minus 7 degrees this morning but has now apparently gone up...to minus 8." Niiice.
Alright, so 9/10ths of the people that live on this island are totally insane. I mean, driving around town on a regular day is bad enough with the lack of signal use, with seniors driving Queen Vics at .2 kph and high school punks revving souped-up Civics and Neons up and down the Ave. But try dumping 50+ cm. in the middle of Boxing Day and you’ll find the true meaning of semi-demonic morons. Inside the stores it went from bad to worse, and the peace and joy and love that people were preaching only the day before seemed to somehow get lost as they beat each other senseless with boxes to save 10% on wrapping paper and toaster ovens.
Well, in the midst of the recovery effort following the tsunami in Asia on December 26th, the world showed an out-pouring of support for the victims of the disaster, sending money and aid to the region by the billions. By last week foreign aid workers were scrounging the rubble, manning field hospitals and helping in any way they could in the stricken regions. I certainly salute the grand gestures of the western world over the past few weeks, but it also makes me wonder, where the hell do we go when the disaster’s over? Seriously, when CNN shuts off its cameras, how long will it take for us to stop caring? Last Friday, as the death toll in Asia was rising above 150,000, already notable news organizations...and the Guardian, were already turning to "more pressing" local issues. The front page Guardian, instead of pursuing the "old news" story of killer tsunamis, chose some guy in the Crick whose shed moved in a tidal surge and a picture of two guys in Stratford spraying hose water erratically on some outdoor rink. I mean come on, sure its hard to stay focussed on a disaster thousands of miles away when we could just as easily turn the page or switch the channel to Survivor, but this is a reality that millions of people live every day. I have heard many questions over the past week, "How can our government find $80 million to send to them when we have problems here?" "Why didn’t Asia just build a warning system?" It is an insult to compare shortfalls in healthcare or issues such as high tuition to the day-to-day lives of these people. And you’re saying, "Yeah, here goes Ryan again, that commie bleeding-heart liberal." But I am not just talking about the pain in Asia. I am talking about the people who lived in huts on those beaches before the waves hit. The people who weren’t even affected by the tsunami, and still have nothing. The millions of people in Africa who have died of AIDS, the thousands of people who will die today, who will die tomorrow and the next day of starvation and disease. What about Rwanda or Somalia? What about Sudan, where thousands have died in the past few months? How many people remember the earthquake in Bam, Iran in 2003 that killed 40,000 people? Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking the relief effort in Asia, nor would I trivialize an event as significant as September 11th, but thousands of people die needlessly every day. The out-pouring of aid in times of disaster seem oft more aimed at settling our guilt than actually fixing the problem. Getting off our asses to donate once every few years may placate out diluted conscience, but it doesn’t feed the hungry nor save the dying.
Well, the Russians certainly had their asses handed to them last week as Canada decimated those communist show-boaters in the final game of the IIHF World Junior Championships. Canada once again showed that while we may suck at a lot of other stuff (i.e. NBA basketball, running a military, Celine Dion, etc.), that we are still the world super-power when it comes to hockey. Canada dominated the opposition throughout the tournament out-scoring them 41-7 and capped the final game by demoralizing the Russians 6-1, winning for Canada its first World Juniors title in 8 years. "Eight years?" you say. "That doesn’t seem like much of a super-power to me." Well that may be true, if Canada did not also hold the Olympic, World Cup and World Champion titles now as well.
It was announced this past month that Tom Ridge, the first ever director of the Department of Homeland Security in the US, will be stepping down rather than sticking around for another kick at the can with the administration of Bush n’ friends. It has been said that Ridge’s most decisive accomplishment in the 3 years since he took the position was creating the Homeland Security Advisory System, a system that indicates, based on intelligence, what the level of threat is of a terrorist attack in the US. Wow. Good job Tommy! You may as well retire, few get to savour the glory of creating a national colour-coding scheme. And apparently it works. Not one foreign-sponsored terrorist attack has taken place on US soil since he took over the DHS. This could mean one of three things, 1) The "Elevated" (or "Yellow") level of Ridge’s precious scale means squat, 2) assigning pretty colours according to threat levels can truly unite the US, in fear if nothing else, or 3) bombing 3rd world countries into the Stone Age works.
Anne McRae showed up her counterpart Paul Allen last month by proving that he was not the only dumb ass on island radio. I swear, I could not make this up: "The temperature was minus 7 degrees this morning but has now apparently gone up...to minus 8." Niiice.
Alright, so 9/10ths of the people that live on this island are totally insane. I mean, driving around town on a regular day is bad enough with the lack of signal use, with seniors driving Queen Vics at .2 kph and high school punks revving souped-up Civics and Neons up and down the Ave. But try dumping 50+ cm. in the middle of Boxing Day and you’ll find the true meaning of semi-demonic morons. Inside the stores it went from bad to worse, and the peace and joy and love that people were preaching only the day before seemed to somehow get lost as they beat each other senseless with boxes to save 10% on wrapping paper and toaster ovens.
Well, in the midst of the recovery effort following the tsunami in Asia on December 26th, the world showed an out-pouring of support for the victims of the disaster, sending money and aid to the region by the billions. By last week foreign aid workers were scrounging the rubble, manning field hospitals and helping in any way they could in the stricken regions. I certainly salute the grand gestures of the western world over the past few weeks, but it also makes me wonder, where the hell do we go when the disaster’s over? Seriously, when CNN shuts off its cameras, how long will it take for us to stop caring? Last Friday, as the death toll in Asia was rising above 150,000, already notable news organizations...and the Guardian, were already turning to "more pressing" local issues. The front page Guardian, instead of pursuing the "old news" story of killer tsunamis, chose some guy in the Crick whose shed moved in a tidal surge and a picture of two guys in Stratford spraying hose water erratically on some outdoor rink. I mean come on, sure its hard to stay focussed on a disaster thousands of miles away when we could just as easily turn the page or switch the channel to Survivor, but this is a reality that millions of people live every day. I have heard many questions over the past week, "How can our government find $80 million to send to them when we have problems here?" "Why didn’t Asia just build a warning system?" It is an insult to compare shortfalls in healthcare or issues such as high tuition to the day-to-day lives of these people. And you’re saying, "Yeah, here goes Ryan again, that commie bleeding-heart liberal." But I am not just talking about the pain in Asia. I am talking about the people who lived in huts on those beaches before the waves hit. The people who weren’t even affected by the tsunami, and still have nothing. The millions of people in Africa who have died of AIDS, the thousands of people who will die today, who will die tomorrow and the next day of starvation and disease. What about Rwanda or Somalia? What about Sudan, where thousands have died in the past few months? How many people remember the earthquake in Bam, Iran in 2003 that killed 40,000 people? Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking the relief effort in Asia, nor would I trivialize an event as significant as September 11th, but thousands of people die needlessly every day. The out-pouring of aid in times of disaster seem oft more aimed at settling our guilt than actually fixing the problem. Getting off our asses to donate once every few years may placate out diluted conscience, but it doesn’t feed the hungry nor save the dying.
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#17)
Well, it’s that time of year again. When the sight of snow turns the thoughts of young children to what they’ll be getting for Christmas (or Hannukah). When the smell of an evergreen tree reminds grandparents of holidays of old. When the crisp morning air is broken by students asking why the hell someone built a damn fence down the middle of campus. Ah yes, final exams and term paper time at UPEI a sure sign of the holiday season, when a young student’s fancy turns from booze to books, and from partying to considering calling up someone in Bulgaria to see how much it would cost to hire an old Soviet bomber to carpet-bomb the University ($964,000).
Who needs the NHL? Ron Artest showed last week that the NBA player can incite an impromptu riot just as well as any Tie Domi or Theo Fleury. Hell, he went one step further and took the fighting to the fans. You know, someone should’ve done that years ago. They’re paying big bucks for those games and Artest made them feel like part of the show. Bravo Ronny. A full-season suspension? Phht. Amateur. If he was Tie Domi he’d only get a game misconduct and a pay raise. If he was Kobe Bryant he’d get off scot-free.
Did anyone hear about the Halifax woman that flipped out after the snow storm a few weeks ago? She barged in at a news conference at the Legislative Buildings and went on for a good five minutes in front of the camera about how Nova Scotia power has no business letting the power go out for more than 24 hours and should make sure that towers don’t fall down during storms. You know what random crazy woman? You’re right. After all it’s their fault when we get hit with unseasonal storms with 50-odd centimetres of snow and a nice blast of wind. We may as well start firing road crews for letting snow fall on the road and arresting those stupid air traffic controllers for grounding flights when the wind is too strong. Assholes. Frig, while we’re at it, why not take Peter Coade and Boomer out back and shoot them. It’s all their fault anyway. It’s probably also their fault that you have six kids under the age of twelve and have to deal with them all day and that you didn’t get prepared when they called for the storm right? Listen lady, you live in Nova Scotia, snow falls, power goes out. Get a life.
Well, from what I have heard and seen over the past few weeks, apparently some people do not appreciate the "anti-Americanism" in my articles. Well that’s interesting, because I do not recall any anti-Americanism in any of my past articles. Come on now. I have never said anything that would suggest that Americans are bad people that would steal candy from children or kick adorable kittens or fly halfway around the world to bomb other countries...oh wait. Seriously though, I have never said that I hated the United States of America. In fact, my sister and her family live in the U.S. and I have no reason to believe that they are any less human than...um...Paul Allen.
Now what you may have read was something where I may have criticized the government of the United States, or took exception to the actions that the U.S. administration has taken in the past, oh, let’s say, four years. Although many of you may be unfamiliar with differing perspectives, or even unaware that they exist, these, may I point out, are not "anti-American" comments. They are simply an expression of my views dealing with the U.S. political system. As this is an editorial, I would assume, perhaps wrongly so, that the average reader would take my opinion with a grain of salt, and realize that perhaps I am not trying to be an objective reporter when I say things like: "[Bush is a] right-wing nutjob behind a hugeass nuclear arsenal," or when I jokingly suggest that he should eat more pretzels. It may surprise you, but I do not, in fact hate President Bush. In fact, I do not even know the man. I do, however, think he is the biggest moron to ever walk the face of the earth, let alone occupy the Oval Office. So no, I do not hate George W. Bush, and no, I do not hate the American people, but I do have concern for the political system in the United States, and believe it or not, being a Political Studies student, I am not just some idiot ranting my opinions by any means necessary. Ok, maybe I am, but that being said, this is a student media open to all student opinions and views. The fact that I choose to use it should neither make me the target of unbridled hate and criticism, nor should it discourage others from expressing themselves through their own submissions, opinionated or otherwise, to this paper.
Have a good one!
Who needs the NHL? Ron Artest showed last week that the NBA player can incite an impromptu riot just as well as any Tie Domi or Theo Fleury. Hell, he went one step further and took the fighting to the fans. You know, someone should’ve done that years ago. They’re paying big bucks for those games and Artest made them feel like part of the show. Bravo Ronny. A full-season suspension? Phht. Amateur. If he was Tie Domi he’d only get a game misconduct and a pay raise. If he was Kobe Bryant he’d get off scot-free.
Did anyone hear about the Halifax woman that flipped out after the snow storm a few weeks ago? She barged in at a news conference at the Legislative Buildings and went on for a good five minutes in front of the camera about how Nova Scotia power has no business letting the power go out for more than 24 hours and should make sure that towers don’t fall down during storms. You know what random crazy woman? You’re right. After all it’s their fault when we get hit with unseasonal storms with 50-odd centimetres of snow and a nice blast of wind. We may as well start firing road crews for letting snow fall on the road and arresting those stupid air traffic controllers for grounding flights when the wind is too strong. Assholes. Frig, while we’re at it, why not take Peter Coade and Boomer out back and shoot them. It’s all their fault anyway. It’s probably also their fault that you have six kids under the age of twelve and have to deal with them all day and that you didn’t get prepared when they called for the storm right? Listen lady, you live in Nova Scotia, snow falls, power goes out. Get a life.
Well, from what I have heard and seen over the past few weeks, apparently some people do not appreciate the "anti-Americanism" in my articles. Well that’s interesting, because I do not recall any anti-Americanism in any of my past articles. Come on now. I have never said anything that would suggest that Americans are bad people that would steal candy from children or kick adorable kittens or fly halfway around the world to bomb other countries...oh wait. Seriously though, I have never said that I hated the United States of America. In fact, my sister and her family live in the U.S. and I have no reason to believe that they are any less human than...um...Paul Allen.
Now what you may have read was something where I may have criticized the government of the United States, or took exception to the actions that the U.S. administration has taken in the past, oh, let’s say, four years. Although many of you may be unfamiliar with differing perspectives, or even unaware that they exist, these, may I point out, are not "anti-American" comments. They are simply an expression of my views dealing with the U.S. political system. As this is an editorial, I would assume, perhaps wrongly so, that the average reader would take my opinion with a grain of salt, and realize that perhaps I am not trying to be an objective reporter when I say things like: "[Bush is a] right-wing nutjob behind a hugeass nuclear arsenal," or when I jokingly suggest that he should eat more pretzels. It may surprise you, but I do not, in fact hate President Bush. In fact, I do not even know the man. I do, however, think he is the biggest moron to ever walk the face of the earth, let alone occupy the Oval Office. So no, I do not hate George W. Bush, and no, I do not hate the American people, but I do have concern for the political system in the United States, and believe it or not, being a Political Studies student, I am not just some idiot ranting my opinions by any means necessary. Ok, maybe I am, but that being said, this is a student media open to all student opinions and views. The fact that I choose to use it should neither make me the target of unbridled hate and criticism, nor should it discourage others from expressing themselves through their own submissions, opinionated or otherwise, to this paper.
Have a good one!
Friday, November 19, 2004
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#16)
Well the shorts certainly came off Boomer in a hurry this week. Yes, the hellish winds of mid-fall have arrived and soon enough it will be minus 43 billion here on campus and our walk from class to class will once again become a death race between buildings. And Halifax was ripped apart by wind and 45 centimetres of snow on Sunday. Oh joy oh joy, oh bliss oh bliss.
But not all news is depressing here on P.E.I. Oh no, some of it is just downright stupid. Last week good old Binns decided to sue the federal government. Wonderful. Yeah I know, I was excited too, because we certainly have ample resources to waste on a lengthy legal battle with the federal government. Hey Binns! Were you not part of Mulroney’s federal government when they changed the law so that seiners could come that close anyway? Either way, regardless if you’re on the side of big business and the seiners or if you’re on the wharf getting your head bashed in by the Souris SWAT brigade, my guess is the herring will all be gone anyway by the time old Binnsy and the feds get their acts in gear anyway.
All points bulletin: a man robbed Swiss Chalet/Harvey’s last week with a knife. City Police have warned citizens to be on the look-out for the suspect. So head’s up everyone, we are looking for a man who was wearing “baggy pants with paint on them”. They could have been, and we don’t want to make any assumptions here, sweat pants. So you or anyone you know has pants that fit this description, contact Crime Stoppers immediately. Honestly, we know we don’t have the brightest cops on the block, but do they have to prove it every damn week? Paint covered sweat pants? Frig. A good 75% of my Dad’s clothing is covered in paint or dirt or grime of some kind. I mean I’ll ask him, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t hold up a restaurant last week.
On a list Popular Science released last week, it was stated that testing polluted water in Newfoundland’s St. John’s harbour is a bad job. No really? I love how scientists do these studies to tell us things like this. Newsflash! Drinking paint thinner can reduce brain cells. Attention! Shooting yourself in the head greatly reduces your life expectancy rate. They also rated the position of “Iraqi archaeologist” as one of the worst jobs in science. Idiots.
According to conflicting reports last week Yasser Arafat passed away, then lapsed in to a coma, made a full recovery and then died again. Officials do not now expect his condition to worsen. George W. Bush, in his typical statesman form, extended condolences to the Palestinian nation by telling the world that we are better off without him. Wow Dubya, I didn’t know you could be so sensitive. Sure, Arafat may have made some questionable moves and had some nasty habits, but it used to be you’d wait until the man was in the friggin ground before you start pissing on his grave.
Magic 93 has certainly classed up their prize give-aways. Where ordinary stations over across only give out like concert tickets or trips or something, now during Paul and Anne’s birthday trivia in the morning they give away, wait for it........silk scarves. Yes, I am not joking. Silk scarves. Is this supposed to make me want to stay tuned to listen to Clay Aiken all day? I mean unless I was Liberace (or I guess Clay Aiken), I see no way in which I could get even remotely excited about a silk scarf. I mean seriously, Paul must get up every morning and think, “Hey, how can I make myself that much more of a dumb ass today?”
Who the hell decided it was a good idea to form a trailer park beside Duffy? Seriously, can we not come up with a better system during renovations than moving the Biology Department into a mobile home? Now Schurman’s have decided to throw a bunch of trailers back there with ‘Private Property’ signs on the side. Private Property? Whose? Last time I checked Irving doesn’t own our campus. You know what, Mr. Irving Big Corporation Guy? You can’t just drop stuff on my campus and call it ‘Private Property’. And if you have a problem with that, you can move your G.D. trailer to wherever the hell you brought it from. If I want to walk up to your trailer, knock on the door, walk in and grab a cup of coffee, I will damnwell do so. And that folks, is my prerogative.
Have a good one!
But not all news is depressing here on P.E.I. Oh no, some of it is just downright stupid. Last week good old Binns decided to sue the federal government. Wonderful. Yeah I know, I was excited too, because we certainly have ample resources to waste on a lengthy legal battle with the federal government. Hey Binns! Were you not part of Mulroney’s federal government when they changed the law so that seiners could come that close anyway? Either way, regardless if you’re on the side of big business and the seiners or if you’re on the wharf getting your head bashed in by the Souris SWAT brigade, my guess is the herring will all be gone anyway by the time old Binnsy and the feds get their acts in gear anyway.
All points bulletin: a man robbed Swiss Chalet/Harvey’s last week with a knife. City Police have warned citizens to be on the look-out for the suspect. So head’s up everyone, we are looking for a man who was wearing “baggy pants with paint on them”. They could have been, and we don’t want to make any assumptions here, sweat pants. So you or anyone you know has pants that fit this description, contact Crime Stoppers immediately. Honestly, we know we don’t have the brightest cops on the block, but do they have to prove it every damn week? Paint covered sweat pants? Frig. A good 75% of my Dad’s clothing is covered in paint or dirt or grime of some kind. I mean I’ll ask him, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t hold up a restaurant last week.
On a list Popular Science released last week, it was stated that testing polluted water in Newfoundland’s St. John’s harbour is a bad job. No really? I love how scientists do these studies to tell us things like this. Newsflash! Drinking paint thinner can reduce brain cells. Attention! Shooting yourself in the head greatly reduces your life expectancy rate. They also rated the position of “Iraqi archaeologist” as one of the worst jobs in science. Idiots.
According to conflicting reports last week Yasser Arafat passed away, then lapsed in to a coma, made a full recovery and then died again. Officials do not now expect his condition to worsen. George W. Bush, in his typical statesman form, extended condolences to the Palestinian nation by telling the world that we are better off without him. Wow Dubya, I didn’t know you could be so sensitive. Sure, Arafat may have made some questionable moves and had some nasty habits, but it used to be you’d wait until the man was in the friggin ground before you start pissing on his grave.
Magic 93 has certainly classed up their prize give-aways. Where ordinary stations over across only give out like concert tickets or trips or something, now during Paul and Anne’s birthday trivia in the morning they give away, wait for it........silk scarves. Yes, I am not joking. Silk scarves. Is this supposed to make me want to stay tuned to listen to Clay Aiken all day? I mean unless I was Liberace (or I guess Clay Aiken), I see no way in which I could get even remotely excited about a silk scarf. I mean seriously, Paul must get up every morning and think, “Hey, how can I make myself that much more of a dumb ass today?”
Who the hell decided it was a good idea to form a trailer park beside Duffy? Seriously, can we not come up with a better system during renovations than moving the Biology Department into a mobile home? Now Schurman’s have decided to throw a bunch of trailers back there with ‘Private Property’ signs on the side. Private Property? Whose? Last time I checked Irving doesn’t own our campus. You know what, Mr. Irving Big Corporation Guy? You can’t just drop stuff on my campus and call it ‘Private Property’. And if you have a problem with that, you can move your G.D. trailer to wherever the hell you brought it from. If I want to walk up to your trailer, knock on the door, walk in and grab a cup of coffee, I will damnwell do so. And that folks, is my prerogative.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#15)
Well they've done it again. Americans have proven that there is no stereotyping when it comes to selecting a President of the United States. In fact, anyone can be re-elected nowadays, even if they're a total dumb ass with no concept of democratic rights and who wouldn't know a grammatically-correct sentence if it slapped him in the face.
Yes, my good friend Dubya has been re-instated as the commander and chief of the most powerful nation on the face of the earth. Does this not scare anyone else? Well yes, of course it does. Israel and Russia were the only countries looking forward to his re-election. Hmmm... I wonder why.
This is a man who in his first four years has thrown his military all over the world, destroyed the U.S. economy beyond recognition and who is partially responsible for the deaths of tens of thousands of people. The only thing different about this term is that this time he knows that he'll never have to face the electorate again. That's a comforting thought, isn't it? Well, the quasi-democratic federation of Russia thinks so.
Well, either way I guess it's four more years of this right-wing nutjob behind a huge-ass nuclear arsenal. Personally, I'm cheering for another pretzel.
Results aside, what the hell is wrong with that electoral system? Hint: When designing a voting system in any conventional democratic society, there should not have to be legal intervention every damn time there's an election. I mean come on, even Belarus couldn't screw it up this bad. There are 50 states and 50 voting systems, each with their own unique problems. Wonderful. Here's an idea. Forget punching cards and computerized voting and all that crap: mark an 'X'. People who cannot read and who cannot merge in traffic can even mark an 'X', hell, I bet even Bush could do that.
Downtown Charlottetown. Make it your own. Riiight. Here's an interesting note about downtown Charlottetown. Can someone tell me why the Confederation Court Mall closes at 5:30 on the weekend? I mean the Charlottetown Mall is bad enough with its' prostitots and teenage rent-a-cops and Shaun Desmond wannabes, but 5:30? Come on. And yes, I know, Charlottetown is a great place to raise your kids and grow a garden and blah blah blah, but if I don't happen to be one of the people that goes to bed at 7:30 on the weekend, then how the hell am I supposed "make Charlottetown my own"? Jerks. I know, I sang the praises of our fair city just a few weeks ago, but those commercials are driving me nuts. And don't get me started on those parking kiosks.
Usher, could you please tell me what the hell a Boo is? Because your damn song with Alicia Keys is driving me insane. The kind of insanity that sends me into random fits of rage while I'm driving. And Britney, do you even know what a "prerogative" is? Can you spell it? Yeah, didn't think so. Your prerogative is to shut the hell up. Pop quiz
Lloyd Banks: Spot the subordinate clause in this phrase: "...fresh out the gutter, too smooth to stutter, the cig a melt a brother like two scoops of butter." Forget that. What the hell does that mean?
Simple Plan is getting ridiculous with their frigging tortured soul ballads Honestly guys, what were these terribly traumatic events and oppressive obstacles that you had to overcome as four white guys growing up in the middle class suburbs of Montréal? Daddy wouldn't buy you a new car and you had to go to parties in a wood-paneled station wagon? Awwww, muffin. Magic 93 is killing me.
Well, other than the trailer park forming on campus-south and the random things that I choose to complain about, not all is bad here at UPEI, nor all across this great country of ours for that matter. We have one reason to thank for this, and that is the sacrifice of hundreds of thousands of Canadian soldiers who fought and gave their lives, and continue to do so on a daily basis, to ensure that out freedom and ideals are protected. So for all you punks that I overheard this week complaining that you didn't want to wear a poppy because it was "dirty" or because you didn't want to pierce a hole in your precious jacket, suck it up and show your appreciation for the men and women who gave up their right to enjoy their youth and to an education so that someday we would be able to partake in those same benefits.
Lest we forget.
Have a good one!
Yes, my good friend Dubya has been re-instated as the commander and chief of the most powerful nation on the face of the earth. Does this not scare anyone else? Well yes, of course it does. Israel and Russia were the only countries looking forward to his re-election. Hmmm... I wonder why.
This is a man who in his first four years has thrown his military all over the world, destroyed the U.S. economy beyond recognition and who is partially responsible for the deaths of tens of thousands of people. The only thing different about this term is that this time he knows that he'll never have to face the electorate again. That's a comforting thought, isn't it? Well, the quasi-democratic federation of Russia thinks so.
Well, either way I guess it's four more years of this right-wing nutjob behind a huge-ass nuclear arsenal. Personally, I'm cheering for another pretzel.
Results aside, what the hell is wrong with that electoral system? Hint: When designing a voting system in any conventional democratic society, there should not have to be legal intervention every damn time there's an election. I mean come on, even Belarus couldn't screw it up this bad. There are 50 states and 50 voting systems, each with their own unique problems. Wonderful. Here's an idea. Forget punching cards and computerized voting and all that crap: mark an 'X'. People who cannot read and who cannot merge in traffic can even mark an 'X', hell, I bet even Bush could do that.
Downtown Charlottetown. Make it your own. Riiight. Here's an interesting note about downtown Charlottetown. Can someone tell me why the Confederation Court Mall closes at 5:30 on the weekend? I mean the Charlottetown Mall is bad enough with its' prostitots and teenage rent-a-cops and Shaun Desmond wannabes, but 5:30? Come on. And yes, I know, Charlottetown is a great place to raise your kids and grow a garden and blah blah blah, but if I don't happen to be one of the people that goes to bed at 7:30 on the weekend, then how the hell am I supposed "make Charlottetown my own"? Jerks. I know, I sang the praises of our fair city just a few weeks ago, but those commercials are driving me nuts. And don't get me started on those parking kiosks.
Usher, could you please tell me what the hell a Boo is? Because your damn song with Alicia Keys is driving me insane. The kind of insanity that sends me into random fits of rage while I'm driving. And Britney, do you even know what a "prerogative" is? Can you spell it? Yeah, didn't think so. Your prerogative is to shut the hell up. Pop quiz
Lloyd Banks: Spot the subordinate clause in this phrase: "...fresh out the gutter, too smooth to stutter, the cig a melt a brother like two scoops of butter." Forget that. What the hell does that mean?
Simple Plan is getting ridiculous with their frigging tortured soul ballads Honestly guys, what were these terribly traumatic events and oppressive obstacles that you had to overcome as four white guys growing up in the middle class suburbs of Montréal? Daddy wouldn't buy you a new car and you had to go to parties in a wood-paneled station wagon? Awwww, muffin. Magic 93 is killing me.
Well, other than the trailer park forming on campus-south and the random things that I choose to complain about, not all is bad here at UPEI, nor all across this great country of ours for that matter. We have one reason to thank for this, and that is the sacrifice of hundreds of thousands of Canadian soldiers who fought and gave their lives, and continue to do so on a daily basis, to ensure that out freedom and ideals are protected. So for all you punks that I overheard this week complaining that you didn't want to wear a poppy because it was "dirty" or because you didn't want to pierce a hole in your precious jacket, suck it up and show your appreciation for the men and women who gave up their right to enjoy their youth and to an education so that someday we would be able to partake in those same benefits.
Lest we forget.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#14)
You may find it hard to believe, but something pissed me off this week. Subway has gone over to the dark side, switching from Pepsi to Coke. I am not an emotional person per se, but that one near put me over the edge. I don’t ask for much in life, and call me a corporate whore if you will, but honestly, is a glass of Pepsi with my sub too much to ask? Sigh. I think mid-term stress may be getting to me.
Prince Edward Island has once again proven itself to be the seat of intelligent thought. As reported in The Guardian last week, two businessmen were forced to duck for cover when pellets from a hunter’s gun in an adjoining field began hitting the side of their place of business. City councilor Bruce Garrity said that this was “pretty serious.” No way Bruce, really? Do you really think that the fact that people firing off shotguns in populated areas and having fragments flying across the Sherwood Road and hitting business complexes is really a problem? Noooo. The worst part is, city police Const. Gary Clow stated that the hunter was hunting LEGALLY. Yes, in the city of Charlottetown it is apparently entirely legal for a hunter to fire weapons that could consequently impede and seriously deter the driving ability of passing cars. Does this not seem a bit weird? That because someone wants to shoot at ducks, you could be driving along and shotgun fire could hit your car and that is a-ok with the Charlottetown Police? This isn’t Baghdad you know. This story was almost as bad as the one in The Guardian last week about the guy who won’t get his picture taken for his license because he believes that digital photo databases are the work of Satan.
God bless those BoSox. Now if we can forget the goats and Bill Buckner and keep that damn Steve Bartmann out of Fenway Park, they should be alright. The idiots of the week? A-Rod for whacking a baseball out of Bronson Arroyo’s glove and Houston GM Phil Garner for benching Roger Clemens in Game 6 of the NLCS.
So finally, after the deaths of over 15,000 Iraqis and the tearing apart of their country by the American-led “coalition” in search of non-existent weapons of mass-destruction, Saddam Hussein is finally set to stand trial. I don’t understand this. It doesn’t make sense that civilian homes continue to be indiscriminately bombed, killing thousands of people just going about their daily business and then Saddam gets a fair trial. It has always been my policy that if you’re gonna drag your country into a foreign war killing thousands of civilians and losing eleven hundred of your own troops in the process, when you finally do find the dictator that you tore apart the country trying to get to, that you may as well pick up whatever Styrofoam brick he may be hiding under, drop a grenade in, and badda boom badda bing, game over. But of course, don’t blame any of this on old Dubya. This week he was quoted as saying in a meeting before the war began “Oh, no, we’re not going to have any casualties.”
In Hussein’s trial, they can’t really charge him with possession of WMDs, for obvious reasons, but he will be charged with the gassing of ethnic Kurds and for the invasion of Kuwait. Using illegal weapons and invading countries for their oil resources? Wow. That doesn’t sound familiar at all.
Well everyone in Canada had a collective conniption fit last week when they found out that Don Cherry had made it onto CBC’s final top ten list on The Greatest Canadian, to which he responded “I love it when we get those left-wingers going.” Smooth Don, smooth. In fact the entire top 100 was an odd mix. Numbers 1 through 17 were all white men and only six women made it into the top 50. The white male parade was ended at number 18, not by a Canadian woman who has made relevant difference in the world like Louise Arbour (#97) or Emily Murphy (#74), but rather, by Shania Twain. There was not even a hint of any ethnicity until Tecumseh, a native-Canadian who helped repel American attacks in 1812, weighed in at # 37. This, however, is not an example of the media blatantly ignoring ethnic groups or women; this list wasn’t even made up by the CBC. The candidates were nominated and voted on BY CANADIANS. So everyone that was freaking out were really just a bunch of hypocrites. This vote is perhaps little more than a sad narrative to our own opinions and lack of knowledge as to what a “great Canadian” is. I have no idea how Pamela Anderson trumps Glenn Gould or Roberta Bondar nor how Nellie McClung, the woman who fought for woman’s rights and the franchise to vote, was bested by Stompin’ Tom Connors. I don’t even know how Brian Mulroney, Bret Hart or William Shatner made it to the list at all. On a brighter note, Mr. Dressup did make it to the list in 36th spot, well ahead of former Prime Ministers Sir Wilfred Laurier, Jean Chrétien and John Diefenbaker.
I think residents of the new Brown’s Court apartments may wish to re-consider their habit of crossing University Avenue wherever the hell they feel like it. I mean sure, pedestrians have the right of way in most situations, but when I am in a 1000 pound vehicle that’s doing about 80, the laws of physics kind of specify that the car has a fairly good advantage, especially when drivers cannot see students sprinting between vehicles. Is it really that difficult to get up 45 seconds earlier in the morning so that you have time to walk to the crosswalk at the lights? That crosswalk, by the way, was put in place a few years back after a student was hit by a car and killed. Do we have to wait until that happens again before we stop being dumb asses?
According to several media outlets, the days of the US Ambassador to Canada, Paul Celucci, are numbered. Celucci has become an out-spoken diplomat in Ottawa, criticizing Canada for not going to war in Iraq, complaining about Canada’s lack of help after September 11th, disapproving Canadian review of policy on marijuana laws and deriding indecision about the proposed missile defence program. Let me be the first to say: Get out of my face Paul. He apparently didn’t get the memo that ambassadors are supposed to be diplomats, not liaisons with political agendas; not many people really gave a damn with what he has to say about stuff that he doesn’t understand anyway. Celucci, a former governor, will likely run for the Senate after leaving the US Embassy in Ottawa. Good luck and good riddance Paul. They deserve you.
Myron’s has declared Wednesday night Holland College Night. Say what? I mean I wouldn’t be caught dead down at Moron’s on a Wednesday anyway, but why a Holland College night? So what if they don’t have their own bar? Neither do those poor students at the Academy of Learning and Compu College. Where the hell are they supposed to drink? Out on the street? Those jerks. Well they can keep their damn Discrimination Wednesdays to themselves, I’ll keep my trivia with Matt and Lenny thanks.
Finally, our sports editor landed in some hot water and became the target of the ire of the entire UPEI Field Hockey team after writing an article that they perceived as portraying their sport in a negative light. As an employee of The Cadre, I feel it is my duty to stand up in his time of need and say: “You’re on your own man.” I have my own controversies to deal with, and pissing off a bunch of girls with big sticks is not my idea of a good time. Now I hear they want you to come out to a practice to see what you’re made of. Lucky you. Shave your legs and strap on those cleats man. You better wear a cup too.
Have a good one!
Prince Edward Island has once again proven itself to be the seat of intelligent thought. As reported in The Guardian last week, two businessmen were forced to duck for cover when pellets from a hunter’s gun in an adjoining field began hitting the side of their place of business. City councilor Bruce Garrity said that this was “pretty serious.” No way Bruce, really? Do you really think that the fact that people firing off shotguns in populated areas and having fragments flying across the Sherwood Road and hitting business complexes is really a problem? Noooo. The worst part is, city police Const. Gary Clow stated that the hunter was hunting LEGALLY. Yes, in the city of Charlottetown it is apparently entirely legal for a hunter to fire weapons that could consequently impede and seriously deter the driving ability of passing cars. Does this not seem a bit weird? That because someone wants to shoot at ducks, you could be driving along and shotgun fire could hit your car and that is a-ok with the Charlottetown Police? This isn’t Baghdad you know. This story was almost as bad as the one in The Guardian last week about the guy who won’t get his picture taken for his license because he believes that digital photo databases are the work of Satan.
God bless those BoSox. Now if we can forget the goats and Bill Buckner and keep that damn Steve Bartmann out of Fenway Park, they should be alright. The idiots of the week? A-Rod for whacking a baseball out of Bronson Arroyo’s glove and Houston GM Phil Garner for benching Roger Clemens in Game 6 of the NLCS.
So finally, after the deaths of over 15,000 Iraqis and the tearing apart of their country by the American-led “coalition” in search of non-existent weapons of mass-destruction, Saddam Hussein is finally set to stand trial. I don’t understand this. It doesn’t make sense that civilian homes continue to be indiscriminately bombed, killing thousands of people just going about their daily business and then Saddam gets a fair trial. It has always been my policy that if you’re gonna drag your country into a foreign war killing thousands of civilians and losing eleven hundred of your own troops in the process, when you finally do find the dictator that you tore apart the country trying to get to, that you may as well pick up whatever Styrofoam brick he may be hiding under, drop a grenade in, and badda boom badda bing, game over. But of course, don’t blame any of this on old Dubya. This week he was quoted as saying in a meeting before the war began “Oh, no, we’re not going to have any casualties.”
In Hussein’s trial, they can’t really charge him with possession of WMDs, for obvious reasons, but he will be charged with the gassing of ethnic Kurds and for the invasion of Kuwait. Using illegal weapons and invading countries for their oil resources? Wow. That doesn’t sound familiar at all.
Well everyone in Canada had a collective conniption fit last week when they found out that Don Cherry had made it onto CBC’s final top ten list on The Greatest Canadian, to which he responded “I love it when we get those left-wingers going.” Smooth Don, smooth. In fact the entire top 100 was an odd mix. Numbers 1 through 17 were all white men and only six women made it into the top 50. The white male parade was ended at number 18, not by a Canadian woman who has made relevant difference in the world like Louise Arbour (#97) or Emily Murphy (#74), but rather, by Shania Twain. There was not even a hint of any ethnicity until Tecumseh, a native-Canadian who helped repel American attacks in 1812, weighed in at # 37. This, however, is not an example of the media blatantly ignoring ethnic groups or women; this list wasn’t even made up by the CBC. The candidates were nominated and voted on BY CANADIANS. So everyone that was freaking out were really just a bunch of hypocrites. This vote is perhaps little more than a sad narrative to our own opinions and lack of knowledge as to what a “great Canadian” is. I have no idea how Pamela Anderson trumps Glenn Gould or Roberta Bondar nor how Nellie McClung, the woman who fought for woman’s rights and the franchise to vote, was bested by Stompin’ Tom Connors. I don’t even know how Brian Mulroney, Bret Hart or William Shatner made it to the list at all. On a brighter note, Mr. Dressup did make it to the list in 36th spot, well ahead of former Prime Ministers Sir Wilfred Laurier, Jean Chrétien and John Diefenbaker.
I think residents of the new Brown’s Court apartments may wish to re-consider their habit of crossing University Avenue wherever the hell they feel like it. I mean sure, pedestrians have the right of way in most situations, but when I am in a 1000 pound vehicle that’s doing about 80, the laws of physics kind of specify that the car has a fairly good advantage, especially when drivers cannot see students sprinting between vehicles. Is it really that difficult to get up 45 seconds earlier in the morning so that you have time to walk to the crosswalk at the lights? That crosswalk, by the way, was put in place a few years back after a student was hit by a car and killed. Do we have to wait until that happens again before we stop being dumb asses?
According to several media outlets, the days of the US Ambassador to Canada, Paul Celucci, are numbered. Celucci has become an out-spoken diplomat in Ottawa, criticizing Canada for not going to war in Iraq, complaining about Canada’s lack of help after September 11th, disapproving Canadian review of policy on marijuana laws and deriding indecision about the proposed missile defence program. Let me be the first to say: Get out of my face Paul. He apparently didn’t get the memo that ambassadors are supposed to be diplomats, not liaisons with political agendas; not many people really gave a damn with what he has to say about stuff that he doesn’t understand anyway. Celucci, a former governor, will likely run for the Senate after leaving the US Embassy in Ottawa. Good luck and good riddance Paul. They deserve you.
Myron’s has declared Wednesday night Holland College Night. Say what? I mean I wouldn’t be caught dead down at Moron’s on a Wednesday anyway, but why a Holland College night? So what if they don’t have their own bar? Neither do those poor students at the Academy of Learning and Compu College. Where the hell are they supposed to drink? Out on the street? Those jerks. Well they can keep their damn Discrimination Wednesdays to themselves, I’ll keep my trivia with Matt and Lenny thanks.
Finally, our sports editor landed in some hot water and became the target of the ire of the entire UPEI Field Hockey team after writing an article that they perceived as portraying their sport in a negative light. As an employee of The Cadre, I feel it is my duty to stand up in his time of need and say: “You’re on your own man.” I have my own controversies to deal with, and pissing off a bunch of girls with big sticks is not my idea of a good time. Now I hear they want you to come out to a practice to see what you’re made of. Lucky you. Shave your legs and strap on those cleats man. You better wear a cup too.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#13)
Well the journalistic geniuses at Magic 93 have done it again, using the cunning news reporting technique of ignoring whatever the hell it is that’s going on in the world, and pretending that Jumbo Movie Trivia and Paul Alan’s social life are the most important things on earth. This past Thursday, when every other self-respecting media organization was reporting the crash of a cargo plane in Halifax and the deaths of seven crewmembers, Paul was telling some incredibly amusing anecdote about his life, a life that is perpetually fascinating, being as it is that of a radio broadcaster. The crash issue was ignored completely, and the only time I heard anyone mention anything about an airplane was when Paul, again recounting moments from his über-exciting life, talked about how he had watched Lost on TV the night before. But who am I to judge? How can I expect Magic 93 to report every single little story? This is the same radio station that on September 11th disregarded the small little detail that terrorists were flying passenger jets into random buildings. To their credit however, they did report that: “Um…apparently flights are delayed or something…for some reason…Back to our incessant replaying of N*SYNC and Britney Spears right after this.”
Your prayers have been answered. Yes, sources tell me that now available for sale are, yes, you guessed it, PEI Rocket Thongs. Wicked. Now, does no one else see a problem with this? Perhaps something to do with ethics or morals or something? Now we all know that there are several people who follow the Rocket around to all their games and, dare I say, idolize the guys that play for them, and I mean, who wouldn’t, you know, with their to-die-for pick-up lines. (“Hey, you wanna be famous?) But I certainly don’t think that the marketing team of our friendly local sports team should be playing into this. Personally, correct me if I’m wrong, but the last time I checked, the objectification of women, specifically those under the age of 16, was not a commonly accepted business practice. But hey, those Rockets are good boys, I hear they’re always very well behaved and humble and are never confrontational, even when they’re drinking. (Not that I’m suggesting that they drink or anything) Nooooo. (Insert thick sarcasm here)
Just a random thought: does anyone know why the hell there is a meat market on University Avenue called the Queen Street Meat Market? That does not make any damn sense.
The CDP was torn down this week. In a few months a so-called “racino” will rise from the rubble of the historic building, creating a new place for Grandpa to go bet on the ponies and now, through the innovation of our wonderful government, will also have the option of gambling away his pension cheques on VLT machines. Now I’m not sure how many people, but it was Binns’ government that initially placed restrictions on how many VLTs could be in operation on the island, but I guess now they have reason to believe that VLTs provide great benefit to the community and the social fabric of PEI as well as contributing to the vibrant horseracing industry. Yeah? Bullshit. Either that or dreams of dollar signs danced in their heads. I hate to break it to the people involved, but horseracing is not struggling because we don’t have fancy racinos or VLTs or multi-million-dollar purses, it’s struggling because no one gives a rat’s ass about horseracing, save, of course, for four or five old men and the people that go to the Gold Cup and Saucer Race every year. All the VLTs in the world won’t change that.
Last year, the provincial government decided to give a million dollars to the horseracing industry to increase purse sizes and to spark interest. What did that do? Not a damn thing. (At the same time, government announced that it was cutting $750,000 in funding that had been promised to UPEI, due to “budgetary constraints.”) Now they want to increase the number of VLTs to increase revenue, a move made on the whim of racing industry lobbyists and the Atlantic Lottery Corporation. This is an irrational decision that will indisputably lead to an augmentation of the number of problem gamblers on the island. These same problems contribute to many social problems; broken families, chronic debt, increases in crime, and in comparison to other jurisdictions, numbers suggest that this problem alone will directly cause two suicides a year on PEI. Now does that sound like a government with its priorities in order? Money and gambling ahead of education and societal well being? I mean I’m sure we would all like our roads paved now and then, but when it comes to public policy, the ends do not always justify the means, especially when the means include cheapened morals, rising crime rates and death. I don’t know, again maybe it’s just me, but when a private corporation tells my government to jump, I’d rather hear them say “Piss off” than ask “How high?”
Reality TV pisses me off. Number one, it is not reality. Reality is me sitting here on my ass writing papers and studying and getting 3 hours of sleep. Flying around the world for free and eating bull testicles and cleaning other people’s houses is not. And trading wives? Yeah, we already invented that. It’s called BIGAMY. Don’t even get me started on The Apprentice. If “the Donald” wants to wear his hair à la rabid baboon, that’s fine by me. Go right ahead, hire people, fire people, I don’t care. But why on national television? And who watches this? I’m sorry, but is there not something possibly more meaningful that we could be doing with our lives? I’m sick of Jeff Probst and William Hung and Vanilla Ice and Sass Jordan and Mark Cuban and Joe Rogan and Swans and Idols and Bachelors and all those friggin idiots. Here’s a reality show for you, it’s called a reality check, and instead of spending millions being idiots and eating bugs and jumping off buildings and shit, you give the money to charities. Maybe do a show called Survivor: Hurricane Jeanne in Haiti, or Food Factor in Ethiopia or Who Wants to Win an AIDs Vaccine? in Zimbabwe. Seriously, can our society be that self involved that we’d rather watch Simon crush the dreams of some tone-deaf high-schooler than see people live to see tomorrow? Apparently so.
Finally, on par with D-Day and Christmas, this week marks the 128th anniversary of the first shipment of 857 bushels of wheat from Manitoba to eastern Canada. God bless those western Canadian jerks.
Have a good one!
Your prayers have been answered. Yes, sources tell me that now available for sale are, yes, you guessed it, PEI Rocket Thongs. Wicked. Now, does no one else see a problem with this? Perhaps something to do with ethics or morals or something? Now we all know that there are several people who follow the Rocket around to all their games and, dare I say, idolize the guys that play for them, and I mean, who wouldn’t, you know, with their to-die-for pick-up lines. (“Hey, you wanna be famous?) But I certainly don’t think that the marketing team of our friendly local sports team should be playing into this. Personally, correct me if I’m wrong, but the last time I checked, the objectification of women, specifically those under the age of 16, was not a commonly accepted business practice. But hey, those Rockets are good boys, I hear they’re always very well behaved and humble and are never confrontational, even when they’re drinking. (Not that I’m suggesting that they drink or anything) Nooooo. (Insert thick sarcasm here)
Just a random thought: does anyone know why the hell there is a meat market on University Avenue called the Queen Street Meat Market? That does not make any damn sense.
The CDP was torn down this week. In a few months a so-called “racino” will rise from the rubble of the historic building, creating a new place for Grandpa to go bet on the ponies and now, through the innovation of our wonderful government, will also have the option of gambling away his pension cheques on VLT machines. Now I’m not sure how many people, but it was Binns’ government that initially placed restrictions on how many VLTs could be in operation on the island, but I guess now they have reason to believe that VLTs provide great benefit to the community and the social fabric of PEI as well as contributing to the vibrant horseracing industry. Yeah? Bullshit. Either that or dreams of dollar signs danced in their heads. I hate to break it to the people involved, but horseracing is not struggling because we don’t have fancy racinos or VLTs or multi-million-dollar purses, it’s struggling because no one gives a rat’s ass about horseracing, save, of course, for four or five old men and the people that go to the Gold Cup and Saucer Race every year. All the VLTs in the world won’t change that.
Last year, the provincial government decided to give a million dollars to the horseracing industry to increase purse sizes and to spark interest. What did that do? Not a damn thing. (At the same time, government announced that it was cutting $750,000 in funding that had been promised to UPEI, due to “budgetary constraints.”) Now they want to increase the number of VLTs to increase revenue, a move made on the whim of racing industry lobbyists and the Atlantic Lottery Corporation. This is an irrational decision that will indisputably lead to an augmentation of the number of problem gamblers on the island. These same problems contribute to many social problems; broken families, chronic debt, increases in crime, and in comparison to other jurisdictions, numbers suggest that this problem alone will directly cause two suicides a year on PEI. Now does that sound like a government with its priorities in order? Money and gambling ahead of education and societal well being? I mean I’m sure we would all like our roads paved now and then, but when it comes to public policy, the ends do not always justify the means, especially when the means include cheapened morals, rising crime rates and death. I don’t know, again maybe it’s just me, but when a private corporation tells my government to jump, I’d rather hear them say “Piss off” than ask “How high?”
Reality TV pisses me off. Number one, it is not reality. Reality is me sitting here on my ass writing papers and studying and getting 3 hours of sleep. Flying around the world for free and eating bull testicles and cleaning other people’s houses is not. And trading wives? Yeah, we already invented that. It’s called BIGAMY. Don’t even get me started on The Apprentice. If “the Donald” wants to wear his hair à la rabid baboon, that’s fine by me. Go right ahead, hire people, fire people, I don’t care. But why on national television? And who watches this? I’m sorry, but is there not something possibly more meaningful that we could be doing with our lives? I’m sick of Jeff Probst and William Hung and Vanilla Ice and Sass Jordan and Mark Cuban and Joe Rogan and Swans and Idols and Bachelors and all those friggin idiots. Here’s a reality show for you, it’s called a reality check, and instead of spending millions being idiots and eating bugs and jumping off buildings and shit, you give the money to charities. Maybe do a show called Survivor: Hurricane Jeanne in Haiti, or Food Factor in Ethiopia or Who Wants to Win an AIDs Vaccine? in Zimbabwe. Seriously, can our society be that self involved that we’d rather watch Simon crush the dreams of some tone-deaf high-schooler than see people live to see tomorrow? Apparently so.
Finally, on par with D-Day and Christmas, this week marks the 128th anniversary of the first shipment of 857 bushels of wheat from Manitoba to eastern Canada. God bless those western Canadian jerks.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#12)
It was this week in 1977 that the Amazing Psychic Romark, through a public display of his incredible psychic power, attempted to drive a car blindfolded and would have been completely successful, had he not smashed into a parked police van. Idiot.
The Guardian reported this week that the Summerside man who barricaded himself in his house last August in an armed standoff with police was finally sentenced last week. For those of you who are from away or who don’t watch Live at 5, Summerside police went to the man’s house, whose name is, I am not making this up, Robert McRoberts, to speak with him regarding his failure to pay child support. The 51-year-old man came out onto his patio and told the deputy chief of police that he wasn’t coming out unless he came out “boots first.” I guess “boots first” is a bad thing, as that comment kicked off a 39-hour armed standoff and resulted in the evacuation of the entire residential area. So, basically, police went to McRoberts’ house to get him out of his house, and when said he didn’t want to come out of his house, they waited around his house with guns until they could force him out of his house. I guess McRoberts has the last laugh on this one however. His punishment for telling police he didn’t want to come out of his house? Nine months of house arrest. Chalk up another one for the fine individuals of the Summerside PD.
Well the Canadian Navy showed off our submarines’ incredible stealth and superior technology to the international community last week by… stranding one out off the coast of Ireland without power for a few days. Now I know what you’re thinking: “We have submarines?” Yes, astonishingly enough, we do. But only four. Plus they’re 24-year-old diesel subs, and are “technically” not “operational”; so don’t freak out too much. Now you’re thinking: “Hey, the Canadian Navy must be smart, spending what little money it does have on old subs that haven’t been used in decades.” I agree. Thumbs up to the Canadian Forces. Helicopters that don’t go up, submarines that don’t go down, and now thanks to those good old Brits, new and improved subs that also spontaneously burst into flame and kill the people that work on them. So Osama? Saddam? Who cares? Between being killed by our own equipment and our allies dropping bombs on us, who needs enemies?
Evidently the accuracy of my articles needs improvement. I was told in a letter fired off by a student last week that some of the points in my last article were incorrect. Well, let me the first to say: shut up. No no, just kidding, don’t get out the pitchforks just yet. Let me first defend myself by saying that most of my research consists of making things up. So the journalistic integrity of my articles amount to somewhere around jack, and as such, you can trust the info in them about as much as you can trust a George W. Bush speech or your average Fox News broadcast. May I remind you that this is the same reporter that spent an entire afternoon exploring thirty-odd bathrooms on campus so I could critique them, and who once advocated that we sell Quebec to the United States.
Having said that, I also have a problem with some stuff getting printed up in The Cadre. In the last issue, one of my counterparts, who I will not identify, other than to say that he’s a reporter and his name is Jon Smith (AKA “Hey! Isn’t that the name of the guy from ‘Pocahontas’?”) wrote an article criticizing UPEI and the city of Charlottetown. Who the hell does this guy think he is? I mean, sure, I’ve done my fair share of criticizing, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna sit here and let some yahoo tell me that my UPEI is not ‘a GREAT small university’. Jerk. Anyone who knows anything knows that this is the best university in the Western hemisphere, and with the exception of Bluefield, is quite possibly the best school in the world. I rue the day that I have to trade the hallowed halls of the W.A. Murphy Student Centre for the corridors of some cold, impersonal graduate school and my professors and classmates who know me, for a bunch of uppity mainlanders. (Kidding. Put the pitchforks down. Or whatever it is that you mainlanders use for angry mobs.) I’ve been here three friggin’ years, and as I’m sure many of you can say, I’ve walked this campus on a -50° day. I’ve spent 15 hours straight in Kelley computer lab during the term paper rush, I’ve slept in Society Lounges, gone on my share of Pub Crawls and I live for Fajita Day. Hell, I’ve even ventured into the Music Building once or twice. Being a UPEI student, I think it’s awesome that the biggest problem we can find to complain about on a consistent basis is parking (or lack thereof) and those security jerks. I think it’s awesome that Cathy and Terri in the cafeteria know how I like my breakfast and that a good number of Accounting/Student Services/Library staff know pretty much every student by name. Now if that is not “a GREAT small university”, than I don’t know what the hell is. SMU or X or Dal or anyone else can shove it.
Now as far as his comments go about Charlottetown, I’m inclined to partially agree. But where else in the world do people still go nuts for Hootie and the Blowfish? And where else do old people have nothing better to talk about than whether or not Boomer is still wearing his shorts? Whether counted to its’ credit or to its’ faults, the most exciting thing to happen in Charlottetown, other than ‘Juan’ or ‘White Juan’ or whatever, was when some guy who called himself Loki 7 tried to blow up the Legislature, and even he failed miserably. (Coincidentally, Loki himself used to teach math at Bluefield.)
I guess this city hasn’t really been the same since they cancelled Compass and bulldozed “the house that Christmas threw up on” to build that new Shopper’s, but hey, we’ve still have Civic Nation in the BK parking lot, and who can resist the repulsive charm of a crowded night at Myron’s? Who doesn’t adore listening to Paul Alan and Anne MacCrae every morning on Magic 93? No wait. I hate them.
So what if our mass-transit system consists of a single bus? Or that there are only two or three possible answers to “what are you doing tonight”? And so what if the most famous people around here either play hockey, used to star on Soup to Nuts or have tried to blow up major buildings? Charlottetown, for now, is our city. Anyone who has taken over the downtown core on a Pub Crawl or has made their way down Kent Street 2:30 on a Sunday morning knows this. And, well, a couple years down the road we’ll all be off to the bigger and better, in some big city, foreign country or Tignish, so we might as well quit the complaining and party it up at Brown’s and cruise the Ave. while we can.
Take that Jon.
Happy Thanksgiving.
The Guardian reported this week that the Summerside man who barricaded himself in his house last August in an armed standoff with police was finally sentenced last week. For those of you who are from away or who don’t watch Live at 5, Summerside police went to the man’s house, whose name is, I am not making this up, Robert McRoberts, to speak with him regarding his failure to pay child support. The 51-year-old man came out onto his patio and told the deputy chief of police that he wasn’t coming out unless he came out “boots first.” I guess “boots first” is a bad thing, as that comment kicked off a 39-hour armed standoff and resulted in the evacuation of the entire residential area. So, basically, police went to McRoberts’ house to get him out of his house, and when said he didn’t want to come out of his house, they waited around his house with guns until they could force him out of his house. I guess McRoberts has the last laugh on this one however. His punishment for telling police he didn’t want to come out of his house? Nine months of house arrest. Chalk up another one for the fine individuals of the Summerside PD.
Well the Canadian Navy showed off our submarines’ incredible stealth and superior technology to the international community last week by… stranding one out off the coast of Ireland without power for a few days. Now I know what you’re thinking: “We have submarines?” Yes, astonishingly enough, we do. But only four. Plus they’re 24-year-old diesel subs, and are “technically” not “operational”; so don’t freak out too much. Now you’re thinking: “Hey, the Canadian Navy must be smart, spending what little money it does have on old subs that haven’t been used in decades.” I agree. Thumbs up to the Canadian Forces. Helicopters that don’t go up, submarines that don’t go down, and now thanks to those good old Brits, new and improved subs that also spontaneously burst into flame and kill the people that work on them. So Osama? Saddam? Who cares? Between being killed by our own equipment and our allies dropping bombs on us, who needs enemies?
Evidently the accuracy of my articles needs improvement. I was told in a letter fired off by a student last week that some of the points in my last article were incorrect. Well, let me the first to say: shut up. No no, just kidding, don’t get out the pitchforks just yet. Let me first defend myself by saying that most of my research consists of making things up. So the journalistic integrity of my articles amount to somewhere around jack, and as such, you can trust the info in them about as much as you can trust a George W. Bush speech or your average Fox News broadcast. May I remind you that this is the same reporter that spent an entire afternoon exploring thirty-odd bathrooms on campus so I could critique them, and who once advocated that we sell Quebec to the United States.
Having said that, I also have a problem with some stuff getting printed up in The Cadre. In the last issue, one of my counterparts, who I will not identify, other than to say that he’s a reporter and his name is Jon Smith (AKA “Hey! Isn’t that the name of the guy from ‘Pocahontas’?”) wrote an article criticizing UPEI and the city of Charlottetown. Who the hell does this guy think he is? I mean, sure, I’ve done my fair share of criticizing, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna sit here and let some yahoo tell me that my UPEI is not ‘a GREAT small university’. Jerk. Anyone who knows anything knows that this is the best university in the Western hemisphere, and with the exception of Bluefield, is quite possibly the best school in the world. I rue the day that I have to trade the hallowed halls of the W.A. Murphy Student Centre for the corridors of some cold, impersonal graduate school and my professors and classmates who know me, for a bunch of uppity mainlanders. (Kidding. Put the pitchforks down. Or whatever it is that you mainlanders use for angry mobs.) I’ve been here three friggin’ years, and as I’m sure many of you can say, I’ve walked this campus on a -50° day. I’ve spent 15 hours straight in Kelley computer lab during the term paper rush, I’ve slept in Society Lounges, gone on my share of Pub Crawls and I live for Fajita Day. Hell, I’ve even ventured into the Music Building once or twice. Being a UPEI student, I think it’s awesome that the biggest problem we can find to complain about on a consistent basis is parking (or lack thereof) and those security jerks. I think it’s awesome that Cathy and Terri in the cafeteria know how I like my breakfast and that a good number of Accounting/Student Services/Library staff know pretty much every student by name. Now if that is not “a GREAT small university”, than I don’t know what the hell is. SMU or X or Dal or anyone else can shove it.
Now as far as his comments go about Charlottetown, I’m inclined to partially agree. But where else in the world do people still go nuts for Hootie and the Blowfish? And where else do old people have nothing better to talk about than whether or not Boomer is still wearing his shorts? Whether counted to its’ credit or to its’ faults, the most exciting thing to happen in Charlottetown, other than ‘Juan’ or ‘White Juan’ or whatever, was when some guy who called himself Loki 7 tried to blow up the Legislature, and even he failed miserably. (Coincidentally, Loki himself used to teach math at Bluefield.)
I guess this city hasn’t really been the same since they cancelled Compass and bulldozed “the house that Christmas threw up on” to build that new Shopper’s, but hey, we’ve still have Civic Nation in the BK parking lot, and who can resist the repulsive charm of a crowded night at Myron’s? Who doesn’t adore listening to Paul Alan and Anne MacCrae every morning on Magic 93? No wait. I hate them.
So what if our mass-transit system consists of a single bus? Or that there are only two or three possible answers to “what are you doing tonight”? And so what if the most famous people around here either play hockey, used to star on Soup to Nuts or have tried to blow up major buildings? Charlottetown, for now, is our city. Anyone who has taken over the downtown core on a Pub Crawl or has made their way down Kent Street 2:30 on a Sunday morning knows this. And, well, a couple years down the road we’ll all be off to the bigger and better, in some big city, foreign country or Tignish, so we might as well quit the complaining and party it up at Brown’s and cruise the Ave. while we can.
Take that Jon.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#11)
Well it appears as though the UPEI custodial staff were busy again this summer, once again putting up an incredible amount of signs, in attempts of aiding students in their everyday activities. If you’ve been in any bathrooms on campus, chances are you’ve already noticed the brilliant “Press slowly OR paper towel will JAM!” sign on every last paper towel dispenser. Sadly, the “In an effort to curb another outbreak of SARS, wash your hands” sign has been retired, but has been aptly replaced by a “Flush after use” sign on some of the toilets on campus. Just in case you happen to forget exactly how they operate.
That was quite a friggin summer wasn’t it? Yeah right. We had like what? Three beach days? Sweet. And now we’re back for another year on the coldest campus on the face of the earth. Not to mention home of the most intolerant and unforgiving security personnel this side of Beijing. Parking the old Saturn outside the gym at in the morning just ain’t what it used to be. And even after having paid a whole friggin dollar for an hour on the wonderful new parking meters, there was the good old security van that we all know and love at 8:55, two minutes after the time ran out, ticketing my ass once again. The worst part is though that my Dad recently got one of those new Canadian Forces veteran license plates put on the car. Who tickets a veteran? Honestly. Yeah yeah, I know, we’re all tired of people complaining about parking and security in ‘The Cadre’ and stuff, but I mean come on, this is a man that fought in some far-off country so that we could park wherever we damnwell pleased. Not so that some half-pint security guard could drive around in a cute little mini van and charge me $10 for two minutes of parking. What the hell is this world coming to anyway?
So yeah, a pretty crazy summer all around. The United States Judicial System broke with tradition and decided to actually send a celebrity to jail. Granted, it was just Martha Stewart. Yeah, that’s what we need to do, send the real menacing bastards to prison. Forget O.J. and Kobe and Wacko Jacko. They're just murderers, rapists and child molesters. But Martha, oh man, she screwed with their money. OoOoOoOo. Man were they caked at her. I guess money just ranks a little bit higher on the priority list than a real justice system.
And what about that American jerk-off that dropped the bombs on the Canadian soldiers a few years back? Do you know what sort of decisive punishment he received to make an example of soldiers like him that disobey direct orders and drops payloads of explosives on allied soldiers that flew half-way around the world to fight the US “War on Terror”? They took half of his salary away for two months. Wow. You punks better watch out! Next time you ‘accidentally’ kill a bunch of Canadians maybe we’ll take three quarters of your pay. That’s right. Don’t screw with us.
Let me put this in prospective for a minute here. Todd Bertuzzi was suspended for an undeterminable amount of time from playing NHL hockey and was fined the equivalent of $501,926.23 for his cheap shot on that Moore kid from Colorado, not to mention of course the media being at his throat for months. Major Harry Schmidt of the 183rd Illinois Air National Guard however, lost $5700.00 off his pay for dropping bombs on Canadian soldiers on a training course after being ordered NOT to drop anything and to get the hell out of there. Oh but sure, Bertuzzi’s hit was dirty and Moore wasn’t expecting a cheap shot from behind. Yeah well I doubt that the Canadian troops were really expecting a USAF plane to drop a couple 225 kg. bombs on them. Oh the poor pilot though, he must’ve got lost in the moment. Yeah, well we don’t accept that as an excuse for Bertuzzi, so why should it for Schmidt? Funny that the NHL would have a more comprehensive and suitable justice system than the American Armed Forces.
And finally, again following a totally logical story line, this week marks the 102nd anniversary of the Rocky Mountain Development Company striking oil in Alberta. Well, isn’t that special. If that doesn’t call for a Bud Light, I don’t know what does. Have a good week, keep your stick on the ice and keep flushing those damn toilets.
Have a good one!
That was quite a friggin summer wasn’t it? Yeah right. We had like what? Three beach days? Sweet. And now we’re back for another year on the coldest campus on the face of the earth. Not to mention home of the most intolerant and unforgiving security personnel this side of Beijing. Parking the old Saturn outside the gym at in the morning just ain’t what it used to be. And even after having paid a whole friggin dollar for an hour on the wonderful new parking meters, there was the good old security van that we all know and love at 8:55, two minutes after the time ran out, ticketing my ass once again. The worst part is though that my Dad recently got one of those new Canadian Forces veteran license plates put on the car. Who tickets a veteran? Honestly. Yeah yeah, I know, we’re all tired of people complaining about parking and security in ‘The Cadre’ and stuff, but I mean come on, this is a man that fought in some far-off country so that we could park wherever we damnwell pleased. Not so that some half-pint security guard could drive around in a cute little mini van and charge me $10 for two minutes of parking. What the hell is this world coming to anyway?
So yeah, a pretty crazy summer all around. The United States Judicial System broke with tradition and decided to actually send a celebrity to jail. Granted, it was just Martha Stewart. Yeah, that’s what we need to do, send the real menacing bastards to prison. Forget O.J. and Kobe and Wacko Jacko. They're just murderers, rapists and child molesters. But Martha, oh man, she screwed with their money. OoOoOoOo. Man were they caked at her. I guess money just ranks a little bit higher on the priority list than a real justice system.
And what about that American jerk-off that dropped the bombs on the Canadian soldiers a few years back? Do you know what sort of decisive punishment he received to make an example of soldiers like him that disobey direct orders and drops payloads of explosives on allied soldiers that flew half-way around the world to fight the US “War on Terror”? They took half of his salary away for two months. Wow. You punks better watch out! Next time you ‘accidentally’ kill a bunch of Canadians maybe we’ll take three quarters of your pay. That’s right. Don’t screw with us.
Let me put this in prospective for a minute here. Todd Bertuzzi was suspended for an undeterminable amount of time from playing NHL hockey and was fined the equivalent of $501,926.23 for his cheap shot on that Moore kid from Colorado, not to mention of course the media being at his throat for months. Major Harry Schmidt of the 183rd Illinois Air National Guard however, lost $5700.00 off his pay for dropping bombs on Canadian soldiers on a training course after being ordered NOT to drop anything and to get the hell out of there. Oh but sure, Bertuzzi’s hit was dirty and Moore wasn’t expecting a cheap shot from behind. Yeah well I doubt that the Canadian troops were really expecting a USAF plane to drop a couple 225 kg. bombs on them. Oh the poor pilot though, he must’ve got lost in the moment. Yeah, well we don’t accept that as an excuse for Bertuzzi, so why should it for Schmidt? Funny that the NHL would have a more comprehensive and suitable justice system than the American Armed Forces.
And finally, again following a totally logical story line, this week marks the 102nd anniversary of the Rocky Mountain Development Company striking oil in Alberta. Well, isn’t that special. If that doesn’t call for a Bud Light, I don’t know what does. Have a good week, keep your stick on the ice and keep flushing those damn toilets.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
...And now for something completely different: A University Student's Guide to Drinking (#10)
(by Ryan Gallant and Adam Carragher)
...And suddenly, it’s that time of year again. Students, either out of celebration, sheer desperation, or just as an escape from the inevitable final exams, flock to the doors of their faithful pubs to meet with friends, to talk quietly (albeit incoherently) over a few drinks, or to drink to the point that they forget who they are, what they have been doing for the past few hours, and why they are making out with some random person in an abandoned alley adjacent to Myron’s. Whether you enjoy the occasional drink yourself, or would rather just watch other people make idiots of themselves, drinking is an integral part of a university student’s life, a way for the late-paper depressed and the final exam-stressed student to kick off his or her proverbial boots and to have a good time. Given our extensive experience in this particular field, we, Adam Carragher and Ryan Gallant, the authors that brought you such infamous articles as ‘The Bathroom Edition I & II’, have decided to write an article on alcohol and it’s effects on the average member of the UPEI student body. I think that Homer Simpson put it best when he declared, "Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems." And so to this, our wonderful friend, our despised enemy, we highlight the great things it has done, and the idiots that it brings out.
1) The Emotional Drunk: This is your average recent break-up, the lost dog or the failed course. This could be someone you’ve never spoken to in your life, but someone who, through the influence of alcohol, feels compelled to share his/her life story with you, a story most certainly racked with tragedy and with helpful doses of nostalgia. Contrary to what you may believe, this is when this person is the most honest. Most of what any emotional drunk says is the honest-to-God truth. Warning: It is not permissible to use these revelations against them on Monday. Just listen up and take notes. How to deal: A hug or a pat on the back and a sincere "Everything will be alright" usually does the trick. If you want, they can often use a shoulder to cry on as well.
2) The Socialite: He/she is everybody’s best friend. They could have been in one of your classes back in high school, or maybe you went to camp with them back when you were 7, but you are now their long lost buddy. Everyone gets a handshake (though anything other than a high five is often too elaborate for those inebriated), a hug, or even a kiss. Bathroom conversation, usually taboo (in the men’s washroom anyway), suddenly becomes a grand show of comradery. "Hey! You’re my neighbour’s friend from Biology 101's cousin!" "HEY! No I’m not! But who cares?!" High fives all around. These people make everyone’s night that much better, either by their stumbling around like a moron down Kent Street or around Brown’s Court with no known destination, other than to the next new best friend that they’re about to meet. How to deal: Just smile and nod, and let them have their fun.
3) The False Start: This is a trooper. Someone who has fought the battle well, but has ultimately lost. This is your typical chugger, someone who does not know the meaning of the phrase "cut off." For a minute there, this person is king of the world, running the race and winning. They’re social and interesting, perhaps a bit overambitious in terms of intake, but they seem alright. And then suddenly, it’s K.O., flat on their face and out for the night. By the time they wake up, often in a flower bed or a pizza box, everyone’s gone home, the party’s over, and the pounding of the previous night’s music has taken up residence in their head. Perhaps it was exclusive only to Bluefield, but these are the people who were found half in and half out of the tent, often with parts of their sneakers burnt, or was the guy who always wound up in the middle of some farmer’s field, missing some key articles of clothing. How to deal: Clothe the naked, feed the hungry. Shave an eyebrow? Optional.
4) Ten Feet Tall and Bullet-Proof (T.F.T.B.P.): Ever hear that song "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better?" Yeah, well so did this one, and they actually think that it applies directly to them. They can dance better, run faster and fight tougher than anyone on earth. They are obviously drop dead sexy and 10x more charming when they’re drunk, a fact that they enjoy showing off by throwing snowballs at cops or by telling hilarious jokes, often recounting the same ones 10-12 consecutive times. How to deal: They are the best there has ever been or ever will be at anything and everything in the world. Don’t bother telling them any different. They will not believe you.
And finally:
5) The Horny Bastard: This is your ass-grabber and the cheesy pick-up line user. They may have had a crush on you for awhile, or perhaps their alcohol-induced state has just changed their perception. They think you’re hot, and they don’t mind telling you this. Perhaps normally the shy and subdued type, this person often loses many of their inhibitions, with varying results. They often have interesting stories to hear about themselves the next day. How to deal: Tell them you’re not interested. Unless of course you are. If all else fails, a good punch in the face or a kick to the groin usually goes a long way to bringing them back to reality.
And so, as we leave our school for another year, perhaps this time forever, let us remember to embrace the good times, to learn from the bad, and whenever possible, to raise a glass in celebration of another year gone, another course earned, and another summer break in the company of friends.
Drink Responsibly.
Have a good one!
...And suddenly, it’s that time of year again. Students, either out of celebration, sheer desperation, or just as an escape from the inevitable final exams, flock to the doors of their faithful pubs to meet with friends, to talk quietly (albeit incoherently) over a few drinks, or to drink to the point that they forget who they are, what they have been doing for the past few hours, and why they are making out with some random person in an abandoned alley adjacent to Myron’s. Whether you enjoy the occasional drink yourself, or would rather just watch other people make idiots of themselves, drinking is an integral part of a university student’s life, a way for the late-paper depressed and the final exam-stressed student to kick off his or her proverbial boots and to have a good time. Given our extensive experience in this particular field, we, Adam Carragher and Ryan Gallant, the authors that brought you such infamous articles as ‘The Bathroom Edition I & II’, have decided to write an article on alcohol and it’s effects on the average member of the UPEI student body. I think that Homer Simpson put it best when he declared, "Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems." And so to this, our wonderful friend, our despised enemy, we highlight the great things it has done, and the idiots that it brings out.
1) The Emotional Drunk: This is your average recent break-up, the lost dog or the failed course. This could be someone you’ve never spoken to in your life, but someone who, through the influence of alcohol, feels compelled to share his/her life story with you, a story most certainly racked with tragedy and with helpful doses of nostalgia. Contrary to what you may believe, this is when this person is the most honest. Most of what any emotional drunk says is the honest-to-God truth. Warning: It is not permissible to use these revelations against them on Monday. Just listen up and take notes. How to deal: A hug or a pat on the back and a sincere "Everything will be alright" usually does the trick. If you want, they can often use a shoulder to cry on as well.
2) The Socialite: He/she is everybody’s best friend. They could have been in one of your classes back in high school, or maybe you went to camp with them back when you were 7, but you are now their long lost buddy. Everyone gets a handshake (though anything other than a high five is often too elaborate for those inebriated), a hug, or even a kiss. Bathroom conversation, usually taboo (in the men’s washroom anyway), suddenly becomes a grand show of comradery. "Hey! You’re my neighbour’s friend from Biology 101's cousin!" "HEY! No I’m not! But who cares?!" High fives all around. These people make everyone’s night that much better, either by their stumbling around like a moron down Kent Street or around Brown’s Court with no known destination, other than to the next new best friend that they’re about to meet. How to deal: Just smile and nod, and let them have their fun.
3) The False Start: This is a trooper. Someone who has fought the battle well, but has ultimately lost. This is your typical chugger, someone who does not know the meaning of the phrase "cut off." For a minute there, this person is king of the world, running the race and winning. They’re social and interesting, perhaps a bit overambitious in terms of intake, but they seem alright. And then suddenly, it’s K.O., flat on their face and out for the night. By the time they wake up, often in a flower bed or a pizza box, everyone’s gone home, the party’s over, and the pounding of the previous night’s music has taken up residence in their head. Perhaps it was exclusive only to Bluefield, but these are the people who were found half in and half out of the tent, often with parts of their sneakers burnt, or was the guy who always wound up in the middle of some farmer’s field, missing some key articles of clothing. How to deal: Clothe the naked, feed the hungry. Shave an eyebrow? Optional.
4) Ten Feet Tall and Bullet-Proof (T.F.T.B.P.): Ever hear that song "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better?" Yeah, well so did this one, and they actually think that it applies directly to them. They can dance better, run faster and fight tougher than anyone on earth. They are obviously drop dead sexy and 10x more charming when they’re drunk, a fact that they enjoy showing off by throwing snowballs at cops or by telling hilarious jokes, often recounting the same ones 10-12 consecutive times. How to deal: They are the best there has ever been or ever will be at anything and everything in the world. Don’t bother telling them any different. They will not believe you.
And finally:
5) The Horny Bastard: This is your ass-grabber and the cheesy pick-up line user. They may have had a crush on you for awhile, or perhaps their alcohol-induced state has just changed their perception. They think you’re hot, and they don’t mind telling you this. Perhaps normally the shy and subdued type, this person often loses many of their inhibitions, with varying results. They often have interesting stories to hear about themselves the next day. How to deal: Tell them you’re not interested. Unless of course you are. If all else fails, a good punch in the face or a kick to the groin usually goes a long way to bringing them back to reality.
And so, as we leave our school for another year, perhaps this time forever, let us remember to embrace the good times, to learn from the bad, and whenever possible, to raise a glass in celebration of another year gone, another course earned, and another summer break in the company of friends.
Drink Responsibly.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#08)
Oh look. It’s spring! The birds are ‘chirping’ and the leaves are budding. Hold on a sec there Boomer. Uh, no they’re not. I don’t know why the Weather Network insists on calling it spring, but personally, three feet of snow in my back yard and minus a billion degree weather does not constitute hauling out the lawn chairs and the old slip-and-slide. As a popular PEI joke puts it, we have 4 unconventional seasons, Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Construction. I’m no groundhog, but my bet is on a few more weeks of the former.
Todd Bertuzzi. Sigh. Really now, how many people in the media actually knew who he was before he hit Steve Moore? Forget that he’s an awesome hockey player and an all-around nice guy, I guess it takes a cheap hit nowadays to get any attention.
And what the hell is Regis Philbin doing flipping out about this? He’s probably never seen a hockey game in his life, he certainly never paid attention or talked about hockey before, and I doubt that he bothered to do some background research on the game or on Bertuzzi before he land basted him on his show. Listen Reg you don’t know what you’re talking about. Do us all a favor and stick to what you know, namely being an idiot and giving money away. CNN jumped on the bandwagon too, taking a break from spewing out propaganda to take a hit at Bertuzzi "The Goon." That’s the thing though, he’s not a goon. He’s a leading scorer in the NHL. He’s been an All-Star the last three years running. Sure, he’s 245 pounds and you don’t want that riding your back onto the ice, but the fact is, he made one bad decision in attempts to avenge Moore’s hit on Canuck’s captain Marcus Naslund. He deserves the suspension he got, but that does not automatically make him Adolf Hitler. One of the women on The View went as far as to compare what Bertuzzi did to Moore to the Vietnam War. THE VIETNAM WAR. Yeah. Pretty much the same thing. Three million dead versus a hockey players cracked bone. Wow. That’s not insensitive towards the people of Vietnam now is it? The View is stupider than I thought. And for all of you that are wondering, with all the over-blown reports of a "ruined life" and "near-death," Moore is expected to be back in his skate
Todd Bertuzzi. Sigh. Really now, how many people in the media actually knew who he was before he hit Steve Moore? Forget that he’s an awesome hockey player and an all-around nice guy, I guess it takes a cheap hit nowadays to get any attention.
And what the hell is Regis Philbin doing flipping out about this? He’s probably never seen a hockey game in his life, he certainly never paid attention or talked about hockey before, and I doubt that he bothered to do some background research on the game or on Bertuzzi before he land basted him on his show. Listen Reg you don’t know what you’re talking about. Do us all a favor and stick to what you know, namely being an idiot and giving money away. CNN jumped on the bandwagon too, taking a break from spewing out propaganda to take a hit at Bertuzzi "The Goon." That’s the thing though, he’s not a goon. He’s a leading scorer in the NHL. He’s been an All-Star the last three years running. Sure, he’s 245 pounds and you don’t want that riding your back onto the ice, but the fact is, he made one bad decision in attempts to avenge Moore’s hit on Canuck’s captain Marcus Naslund. He deserves the suspension he got, but that does not automatically make him Adolf Hitler. One of the women on The View went as far as to compare what Bertuzzi did to Moore to the Vietnam War. THE VIETNAM WAR. Yeah. Pretty much the same thing. Three million dead versus a hockey players cracked bone. Wow. That’s not insensitive towards the people of Vietnam now is it? The View is stupider than I thought. And for all of you that are wondering, with all the over-blown reports of a "ruined life" and "near-death," Moore is expected to be back in his skate
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