Saturday, September 23, 2006
The Official Video of NSO 2006
The critics agree:
"This is the best thing i've ever seen."
-Maria
"I love Eugene ...I wish [Ryan] was like him all the time."
- Laur
"Your video made my day... It was awesome."
- Erica
Sunday, September 17, 2006
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#40)
Well, summer’s over. It’s again that time of year when you can feel the impending onslaught of the coming fall and winter. A time when the fresh scent of frost greets you in the morning, when school busses resume the transportation of young minds to and from their places of education and a time of year when, if you try camping in a tent, it feels like it’s about -367 degrees outside, and you are pretty sure that you are going to wake up dead. Unfortunately, camping last week, for me anyway, was not all that fun, as a few successive “welcome back” rounds of tequila at The Wave forced me to spend much of that night, and the balance of the following day, holding onto the floor for dear life. Oh it’s good to be back.
Now I don’t know who the came up with this brilliant plan, but someone apparently thought that it would be a good idea to wait through the entire four months of summer break so they could paint the Student Centre on the first day of school. Now I understand that there’s a lot of work to be done on campus in the summer, but perhaps it would make more sense to paint BEFORE 4,000 students return to campus. Oh, and paving the roads and pathways around campus on day one was definitely a good idea too. Not like it isn’t a huge inconvenience or an unflattering portrait of incompetence and disorganization to present to our students on the first day of school or anything. Speaking of pave and stuff, why the hell is it going to take $3.5 million and three months to re-design the Peter Pan corner? Now I know some engineering students may disagree with me here, but as far as I understand, all they really have to do is bulldoze some dirt around, put down some pave, and throw up some traffic lights. A million bucks, a couple 2-4s, and some friends and I could have that done by lunchtime tomorrow. And they’re only a million dollars over-budget. Even though they just started. Wonderful.
The elite forces of the Charlottetown City Police have once again displayed their superior abilities as a crime-fighting force. Now, I wouldn’t say that it would be incredibly stupid to deploy the entire City Police force for the Black Eyed Peas concert, especially given the ridiculous reactions of the citizens of the City. Maybe a little over-dramatic, but all-in-all, a pretty good precautionary measure. However, I would say that it would probably take a fairly severe bout of brain damage to come up with the brilliant plan of telling the whole world that, “Yeah, so our entire police force is going to be down at the CDP for 6 or 7 hours on September 3rd.” Good one. Idiots.
Of course the Dudley Do-Right antics of the City Police are matched only by the incredible ignorance of the residents of this city. When it was announced that the Black Eyed Peas would be at the CDP, the people of Charlottetown reacted with all the grace of an irate pack of rabid Balinese monkeys on crack cocaine. By the letters and horror-story scenarios sent to The Guardian, you would think that instead of a Black Eyed Peas concert, Charlottetown was playing host to a Hitler and the Third Reich tribute concert, complete with the 10th SS Panzer Division and live grenade launcher demonstrations aimed somewhere into the downtown core. One woman told the CBC that she was pissed that no one had come to ask her how she personally felt about the Black Eyed Peas coming to town. (“Well m’am,” someone should have told her, “no one really gives a shit.”) She continued, telling the CBC that this wasn’t just any old concert, “This concert is going to take 13 to 25 (year olds). A lot more alcohol, drugs, needles - whatever can take place at any concert.” Wow, what faith this society has in its young people. Yeah, those 13 year-old prostitots are definitely a huge threat to this city eh? And needles? When is the last time you saw heroine addicts scrambling in line to buy tickets to a concert? Pretty sure they’re saving up their cash for other things than Black Eyed Peas there dear. People need to lose a little bit of their anal retentiveness around here and calm the hell down. Maybe worry a little less about your pristine lawn, about your boat down at the yacht club, and whether or not we should have pop in cans, and worry a little more about whether criminals are going to break into your house while all the police are down at the CDP.
This was a busy summer for the airwaves on PEI, with a ton of changes in the realm of radio. Most notably were the end of the CHTN era and the beginning of Ocean and K-Rock. (By the way, if you are reading this and you are the new K-Rock 105.5 $10,000 Fugitive, you owe me.) With the popularity of the new stations however, there are some who can’t help but feel sorry for the old hapless and embattled Magic 93. They were there for years, pumping out the pop beats of a generation, and people are starting to miss, or at least feel sorry for Paul and Anne. I guess somewhere in everyone’s psyche there is a little twinge of guilt for switching over to a new station and some nostalgia of the Top 9 at 9 that pulls at our heart strings. Yeah? Well not mine. Paul and Anne and the whole Magic 93 fun bus can go straight to hell. I’ve had enough Great Lite Rock Hits to last four and a half lifetimes, and if I never hear a story about Paul Allen and his damn addiction to chocolate Easter bunnies again, it will be too soon. I don’t think anyone can understand how much I absolutely despise Magic 93. It took me roughly 3,800 hours of forced listenership on a School Bus and 12 years of Paula Cole and Shawn Colvin and Billie Myers to develop a hatred this severe. Good riddance I say. All the over-played songs that Magic killed are now avenged.
Can someone explain to me why parts of Brown's Court have been re-named Island Dale Estates? I’m not even sure what to say about this one. Sure, I can deal with the “Island” part of the name. Ok, so we’re on an island. Not all that original, but whatever. I can even overlook the “Dale” part. Mind you, by definition, a “dale” is a low-lying area or valley, and Brown’s Court happens to be on the top of the highest hill in Charlottetown, but whatever, I don’t care. Seriously though, “Estates”? Honestly. If I were asked to make a list of 4 billion words to describe Brown’s Court beginning with the most appropriate, all the way down to words that don’t even remotely relate to the premises, “Estate” wouldn’t even be among those 4 billion words. It is more likely that I would resort to words in Swahili and Mandarin Chinese before “Estate” would even cross my mind. This is, remember, the same area that prompted one of my friends, after seeing it on New Year’s Eve, to exclaim: “Oh my God. Brown’s Court is like Rwanda!” Of course, as I've said before, there are far fewer drunken idiots in Rwanda.
Have a good one!
Now I don’t know who the came up with this brilliant plan, but someone apparently thought that it would be a good idea to wait through the entire four months of summer break so they could paint the Student Centre on the first day of school. Now I understand that there’s a lot of work to be done on campus in the summer, but perhaps it would make more sense to paint BEFORE 4,000 students return to campus. Oh, and paving the roads and pathways around campus on day one was definitely a good idea too. Not like it isn’t a huge inconvenience or an unflattering portrait of incompetence and disorganization to present to our students on the first day of school or anything. Speaking of pave and stuff, why the hell is it going to take $3.5 million and three months to re-design the Peter Pan corner? Now I know some engineering students may disagree with me here, but as far as I understand, all they really have to do is bulldoze some dirt around, put down some pave, and throw up some traffic lights. A million bucks, a couple 2-4s, and some friends and I could have that done by lunchtime tomorrow. And they’re only a million dollars over-budget. Even though they just started. Wonderful.
The elite forces of the Charlottetown City Police have once again displayed their superior abilities as a crime-fighting force. Now, I wouldn’t say that it would be incredibly stupid to deploy the entire City Police force for the Black Eyed Peas concert, especially given the ridiculous reactions of the citizens of the City. Maybe a little over-dramatic, but all-in-all, a pretty good precautionary measure. However, I would say that it would probably take a fairly severe bout of brain damage to come up with the brilliant plan of telling the whole world that, “Yeah, so our entire police force is going to be down at the CDP for 6 or 7 hours on September 3rd.” Good one. Idiots.
Of course the Dudley Do-Right antics of the City Police are matched only by the incredible ignorance of the residents of this city. When it was announced that the Black Eyed Peas would be at the CDP, the people of Charlottetown reacted with all the grace of an irate pack of rabid Balinese monkeys on crack cocaine. By the letters and horror-story scenarios sent to The Guardian, you would think that instead of a Black Eyed Peas concert, Charlottetown was playing host to a Hitler and the Third Reich tribute concert, complete with the 10th SS Panzer Division and live grenade launcher demonstrations aimed somewhere into the downtown core. One woman told the CBC that she was pissed that no one had come to ask her how she personally felt about the Black Eyed Peas coming to town. (“Well m’am,” someone should have told her, “no one really gives a shit.”) She continued, telling the CBC that this wasn’t just any old concert, “This concert is going to take 13 to 25 (year olds). A lot more alcohol, drugs, needles - whatever can take place at any concert.” Wow, what faith this society has in its young people. Yeah, those 13 year-old prostitots are definitely a huge threat to this city eh? And needles? When is the last time you saw heroine addicts scrambling in line to buy tickets to a concert? Pretty sure they’re saving up their cash for other things than Black Eyed Peas there dear. People need to lose a little bit of their anal retentiveness around here and calm the hell down. Maybe worry a little less about your pristine lawn, about your boat down at the yacht club, and whether or not we should have pop in cans, and worry a little more about whether criminals are going to break into your house while all the police are down at the CDP.
This was a busy summer for the airwaves on PEI, with a ton of changes in the realm of radio. Most notably were the end of the CHTN era and the beginning of Ocean and K-Rock. (By the way, if you are reading this and you are the new K-Rock 105.5 $10,000 Fugitive, you owe me.) With the popularity of the new stations however, there are some who can’t help but feel sorry for the old hapless and embattled Magic 93. They were there for years, pumping out the pop beats of a generation, and people are starting to miss, or at least feel sorry for Paul and Anne. I guess somewhere in everyone’s psyche there is a little twinge of guilt for switching over to a new station and some nostalgia of the Top 9 at 9 that pulls at our heart strings. Yeah? Well not mine. Paul and Anne and the whole Magic 93 fun bus can go straight to hell. I’ve had enough Great Lite Rock Hits to last four and a half lifetimes, and if I never hear a story about Paul Allen and his damn addiction to chocolate Easter bunnies again, it will be too soon. I don’t think anyone can understand how much I absolutely despise Magic 93. It took me roughly 3,800 hours of forced listenership on a School Bus and 12 years of Paula Cole and Shawn Colvin and Billie Myers to develop a hatred this severe. Good riddance I say. All the over-played songs that Magic killed are now avenged.
Can someone explain to me why parts of Brown's Court have been re-named Island Dale Estates? I’m not even sure what to say about this one. Sure, I can deal with the “Island” part of the name. Ok, so we’re on an island. Not all that original, but whatever. I can even overlook the “Dale” part. Mind you, by definition, a “dale” is a low-lying area or valley, and Brown’s Court happens to be on the top of the highest hill in Charlottetown, but whatever, I don’t care. Seriously though, “Estates”? Honestly. If I were asked to make a list of 4 billion words to describe Brown’s Court beginning with the most appropriate, all the way down to words that don’t even remotely relate to the premises, “Estate” wouldn’t even be among those 4 billion words. It is more likely that I would resort to words in Swahili and Mandarin Chinese before “Estate” would even cross my mind. This is, remember, the same area that prompted one of my friends, after seeing it on New Year’s Eve, to exclaim: “Oh my God. Brown’s Court is like Rwanda!” Of course, as I've said before, there are far fewer drunken idiots in Rwanda.
Have a good one!
Monday, March 20, 2006
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#39)
Well, the unthinkable happened last week. Yes, Canadian Tire did what every Canadian has been wanting to do for the past 7 years: putting the Canadian Tire couple to death. Figuratively of course, the actors who played them are still alive, but for all intents and purposes Ted and Gloria have been put out of their suburban-minivan-complete-ratchet-set misery after terrorizing the airwaves for 7 years. 7 years? Wow, that’s not beating the life out of a marketing ploy or anything. I never really understood how any marketing agency could come up with such a lame attempt at selling off screwdrivers and pressure washers. It was always like those damn condescending infomercials where their trying to sell some new-fangled spaghetti strainer, but they first have to show a few morons using an old-fashioned strainer, flailing around like rabid zombies, throwing pasta and boiling water all over the place. Yeah, Ted’s idiot neighbor would always show up: “Ted, help me, I need to drill a hole. Ted, help me, I need to see better out of my windshield so I don’t die. Ted, help me, I’m an incompetent moron.” See this is why men hated Ted. While every other man in Canada was fixing problems with duct tape and baler twine and fixing their car’s engine with a hammer and a butter knife, Ted was always working at something with his new tools with his eerily happy family and his RV and his boat and his cottage and his ATVs. The man made Inspector Gadget look about as technically inclined as Michael Bolton. To add insult to injury, the punch-line endings to the commercials were always stupid and were never funny.
Ted: “Look at these new windshield wipers!”
Idiot Neighbor: “You really should shave your beard!”
Together: “Hahaha!"
Ted: “Look how clean my boat is!”
Idiot Neighbor: “Ted, why do you still camp in tents when you already own an RV and a cottage?”
Together: “Hahaha!”
Ted: “I just realigned my tires and braking system so we don’t crash into trees the next time we go on a family adventure!”
Idiot Neighbor: “Wow. I should borrow that for my car so we don’t drive into any trees either!”
Ted: “Too bad, you’ll have to get your own. Only at Canadian Tire!”
Together: “Hahaha!”
Ted: “No seriously. Get your own.”
The worst all-time commercial was when Ted was proving how rugged he was by packing for a day on the trail with his ATV, but his wife took off on it before he got the chance. I half expected him to turn to the camera: “New, from Canadian Tire, the long-range assault sniper rifle.” Where the hell did they get the money to buy all that shit anyway? I mean once they got started I’m sure their income in Canadian Tire money alone was comparable to the economy of an emerging Eastern European country, but unless Ted was robbing banks on the side (with the Motomaster Vault-O-Matic no doubt), I don’t see how he was making enough cash to support his wife, deadbeat son, a few cars, the cottage, RV, boat, ATVs, etc., not to mention spending upwards of $200,000 a month at Canadian Tire. Ahwell. Love them or hate them, Ted and Gloria are gone now, but they will live on in Canadian Television infamy, along the old Norwich Union couple, (“It’s Patrick! He took out life insurance!”) The Canadian Legal Will Kit, and Hal Johnson and Joanne MacLeod.
In keeping with recent events in the Middle East of late a Canadian, who works for a U.S.-based humanitarian agency, was kidnapped by extremists from the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine (PFLP) in the Gaza Strip last week. The 57-year-old Ottawa man was taken at gunpoint, held in a basement, and was forced by his captors to record video for the media. As they went through his belongings, however, the kidnappers found Adam Budzanowski’s Canadian passport, and were immediately disappointed. They had thought they had kidnapped an American and therefore had leverage to negotiate an end to Israel’s attack on a West Bank prison. Obviously disheartened at the discovery, the kidnappers made sure Mr. Budzanowski was Canadian by asking about stores near his home in Ottawa before exclaiming, “We love Canada!” “Which is a wonderful thing to hear when you have guns pointed at you.” Budzanowski said later. Yeah, I’ll bet. What a bunch of morons.
PFLP 1: “All we have to do is kidnap some Americans and Brits so we can stop the Israeli attack on that prison!”
PFLP 2: “Yeah, because kidnapping people in the Middle East has certainly forced them to stop bombing us in the past!”
Can you imagine them when they found out he was Canadian?
PFLP 1: “Canadian? SHIT! What do we do now?”
PFLP 2: “Well, we could stop kidnapping people and instead turn our focus to instilling democracy and…
Nan: SLAP! “Say you’re sorry.”
Apparently one of the kidnappers even gave Mr. Budzanowski his phone number before they released him in case he ever needed help with anything. “Say hello to Canada!” Yeah. I’ll get right on that. Moron.
This brings me to another issue; it was brought to my attention this past week that some people on campus hate me because I, and I quote “Hate Americans.” This, first of all, is not true. On the individual level, most Americans I know are great people. My sister and her family, as I’ve said before, are American, and obviously if I ever said I hated all Americans, by association they would be part of that group. Granted, I do hate the government that is now in power in the states, and I hate Dubya as someone who is grossly incompetent, incredibly stupid, and is not exactly the person I would want to leave in charge of a pair of sharp scissors, let alone the largest nuclear arsenal in the world. I realize as well that many people share this sentiment, including a great number of Americans. At the same time, there are also many Canadians that I hate, Kalan Porter, Steve Moore, Theory of a Deadman, Stephen Harper, but I would never even attempt to group all Canadians in to a similar group, and it’s the same thing for Americans. Sure, there are some Americans that I hate, but I am not stupid enough to group all 300 or so million of them into a single homogeneous group. Mr. Dressup was American for God’s sake. In fact, I would guess that I hate at least one person from every country in the world, but most of the 6 billion people on earth aren’t that bad. The ones I’ve met so far anyway.
I think a more accurate thing to say would be that I hate stupidity and incompetence, and I’m sure that we can find plenty of people that fit this description, on both sides of the border: George Bush, Bad Drivers, Paul Allen, Kenny G, Steroid Ben, Lucille Poulin, Ron Popeil, that guy who does those Yoplait commercials, the Ottawa Senators, the KKK, the Burger King king, the 2000 Flushes guy, Richard Simmons, Lou Bega, Jared from Subway, the entire cast of “Touched by an Angel,” the list goes on…
Have a good one!
Ted: “Look at these new windshield wipers!”
Idiot Neighbor: “You really should shave your beard!”
Together: “Hahaha!"
Ted: “Look how clean my boat is!”
Idiot Neighbor: “Ted, why do you still camp in tents when you already own an RV and a cottage?”
Together: “Hahaha!”
Ted: “I just realigned my tires and braking system so we don’t crash into trees the next time we go on a family adventure!”
Idiot Neighbor: “Wow. I should borrow that for my car so we don’t drive into any trees either!”
Ted: “Too bad, you’ll have to get your own. Only at Canadian Tire!”
Together: “Hahaha!”
Ted: “No seriously. Get your own.”
The worst all-time commercial was when Ted was proving how rugged he was by packing for a day on the trail with his ATV, but his wife took off on it before he got the chance. I half expected him to turn to the camera: “New, from Canadian Tire, the long-range assault sniper rifle.” Where the hell did they get the money to buy all that shit anyway? I mean once they got started I’m sure their income in Canadian Tire money alone was comparable to the economy of an emerging Eastern European country, but unless Ted was robbing banks on the side (with the Motomaster Vault-O-Matic no doubt), I don’t see how he was making enough cash to support his wife, deadbeat son, a few cars, the cottage, RV, boat, ATVs, etc., not to mention spending upwards of $200,000 a month at Canadian Tire. Ahwell. Love them or hate them, Ted and Gloria are gone now, but they will live on in Canadian Television infamy, along the old Norwich Union couple, (“It’s Patrick! He took out life insurance!”) The Canadian Legal Will Kit, and Hal Johnson and Joanne MacLeod.
In keeping with recent events in the Middle East of late a Canadian, who works for a U.S.-based humanitarian agency, was kidnapped by extremists from the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine (PFLP) in the Gaza Strip last week. The 57-year-old Ottawa man was taken at gunpoint, held in a basement, and was forced by his captors to record video for the media. As they went through his belongings, however, the kidnappers found Adam Budzanowski’s Canadian passport, and were immediately disappointed. They had thought they had kidnapped an American and therefore had leverage to negotiate an end to Israel’s attack on a West Bank prison. Obviously disheartened at the discovery, the kidnappers made sure Mr. Budzanowski was Canadian by asking about stores near his home in Ottawa before exclaiming, “We love Canada!” “Which is a wonderful thing to hear when you have guns pointed at you.” Budzanowski said later. Yeah, I’ll bet. What a bunch of morons.
PFLP 1: “All we have to do is kidnap some Americans and Brits so we can stop the Israeli attack on that prison!”
PFLP 2: “Yeah, because kidnapping people in the Middle East has certainly forced them to stop bombing us in the past!”
Can you imagine them when they found out he was Canadian?
PFLP 1: “Canadian? SHIT! What do we do now?”
PFLP 2: “Well, we could stop kidnapping people and instead turn our focus to instilling democracy and…
Nan: SLAP! “Say you’re sorry.”
Apparently one of the kidnappers even gave Mr. Budzanowski his phone number before they released him in case he ever needed help with anything. “Say hello to Canada!” Yeah. I’ll get right on that. Moron.
This brings me to another issue; it was brought to my attention this past week that some people on campus hate me because I, and I quote “Hate Americans.” This, first of all, is not true. On the individual level, most Americans I know are great people. My sister and her family, as I’ve said before, are American, and obviously if I ever said I hated all Americans, by association they would be part of that group. Granted, I do hate the government that is now in power in the states, and I hate Dubya as someone who is grossly incompetent, incredibly stupid, and is not exactly the person I would want to leave in charge of a pair of sharp scissors, let alone the largest nuclear arsenal in the world. I realize as well that many people share this sentiment, including a great number of Americans. At the same time, there are also many Canadians that I hate, Kalan Porter, Steve Moore, Theory of a Deadman, Stephen Harper, but I would never even attempt to group all Canadians in to a similar group, and it’s the same thing for Americans. Sure, there are some Americans that I hate, but I am not stupid enough to group all 300 or so million of them into a single homogeneous group. Mr. Dressup was American for God’s sake. In fact, I would guess that I hate at least one person from every country in the world, but most of the 6 billion people on earth aren’t that bad. The ones I’ve met so far anyway.
I think a more accurate thing to say would be that I hate stupidity and incompetence, and I’m sure that we can find plenty of people that fit this description, on both sides of the border: George Bush, Bad Drivers, Paul Allen, Kenny G, Steroid Ben, Lucille Poulin, Ron Popeil, that guy who does those Yoplait commercials, the Ottawa Senators, the KKK, the Burger King king, the 2000 Flushes guy, Richard Simmons, Lou Bega, Jared from Subway, the entire cast of “Touched by an Angel,” the list goes on…
Have a good one!
Sunday, March 05, 2006
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#38)
What the hell are people doing with Christmas decorations still up? It’s March for God’s sake. And I don’t care if you leave your lights on your house all year because you’re a lazy ass, but holy shit, after mid-January maybe you could stop turning them on? I swear, like 75% of the houses on my street still have some sort of decorations on their house. And call it illogical, call it an overreaction, or maybe call it the sign of an impending massive stress-related heart attack, but I actually became physically angry when I saw the number of houses that still had wreaths on their doors. How hard is it to take down a damn wreath? So why have the citizens of Charlottetown become such a bunch of slack asses? Well, if I recall correctly, fifteen years ago the city asked people to leave their lights up to give Charlottetown “a more festive look” for the 1991 Canada Games. Evidently everyone took this as a license to throw as much random shit on their houses as possible, and to leave it up until the 5th of never, or at least until another Juan rips it off their house. That or until I go insane and start going door-to-door and punching people in the face.
Adding to a list of randoms, which include Pierce Brosnan and McIver, Paul McCartney has become the latest celebrity to crawl out on PEI ice floes in the dead of winter to yell at Canadians about seals and hunting and global warming or whatever. Islanders, in typical fashion, reacted by reading The Guardian to hear every detail of what he did, what he bought/ate/said/touched (“Then he went into Roots. Then he bought a sweater. It said ‘Canada’ on it.”), the same thing that happens every time Lucille Poulin or Steroid Ben or Prince What’s-his-face and his wife show up. Of course the average Joe Blow doesn’t give a rat’s ass whether he’s here for the seals or for a drink at the Legion. All they want to know was if their brother’s wife’s cousin’s daughter was working at Cow’s (which is right next to Roots) when he bought the sweater. Through this unique and complex “Oh yeah she’s related to my third cousin’s bus driver” scheme, I am convinced that an Islander has been involved in every major world event since the beginning of time including Noah’s Ark, the French Revolution, and the Kennedy assassination (Lee Harvey Oswald’s mother stayed at Blue Jay Cottages once.)
Following the visit to the Gulf of St. Lawrence, Paul and his wife, Heather, appeared on Larry King Live and faced off against Newfoundland (or New Finland according to Larry) Premier Danny Williams. The problem with that, first of all, is Sir Paul had no idea what the hell he was talking about and looked about as comfortable on TV as he would be during a rectal exam. His loudmouth wife, on the other hand, was far too preoccupied with not shutting up that she didn’t allow any time for oxygen or reasonable thought to make it through her brain. Oh ok, the money the sealers make is inconsequential? Yeah, maybe for you and your husband’s $1.5 billion bank account. What? You think the guys who spend their winters freezing their asses off walking around on the ice killing adorable little seals are just doing it for kicks? By the way, who the hell do you think is buying all these furs? I think you’d be hard-pressed to see anyone in this part of the world who can afford that extravagance, let alone one who would be stupid enough to wear that shit. It’s on the runways of Milan and Paris and London that you find the yield of this hunt, so maybe you should go home and talk to your pop-star friends rather than preach to bunch of Islanders and Newfies who don’t really care what your point is anyway. My favorite part of the whole trip was when dear old Lady McCartney scoffed at Prime Minister Harper because he didn’t meet with them because he had meetings all day. Imagine! Well excuse us. We’re sorry that the Prime Minister of our country doesn’t drop everything he’s doing every time some two-bit celebrity and washed up rocker climbs out on the ice to harass seal pups.
Now I know already that people will be pissed off that I seem to be erring on the side of the seal hunters, but that’s not exactly the case. I am not going to stand here and defend the act of beating the life out of a seal pup, God knows I wouldn’t have the heart for that kind of stuff, but I also think it would be a tad bit inaccurate to suggest that the hunters themselves are having a blast out there and are beating seals for the fun of it. For them, it’s money in the bank and food on the table. I don’t endorse the seal hunt or its methods in the same way that I don’t endorse factory farms or slaughterhouses. My issue is mainly with the celebrities who come from around the world where there are many problems of their own I’m sure they could be solving, yet insist on getting pictures with the cute furry white baby seals (which have been illegal to hunt since the 80’s). If you want to advocate for humane treatment of animals, fine, but I don’t see any of them mucking around pig farms or chicken factory farms bitching about the conditions or about how they kill the animals. Today there are 5.9 million seals out there, almost 3 times the number there was in the 70’s, and that in itself is wreaking havoc on the cod fishery, not to say that that is a justifiable means, but it’s a hell of a lot more compelling than the McCartney’s arguments against the hunt: “Because they’re cute, because it’s mean and the money doesn’t really matter.” Well if the money doesn’t matter, then shell out the $20 million these families need to survive on. That way you can have peace of mind and these hunters can stop spending the dead of winter freezing their asses off. Actually, why even piss on our rug when in Britain, seals are culled on a regular basis to stop them from destroying fishnets. Maybe, try fighting the hunt back home before coming over here and telling us how to run our own country. Ah well. Live and let die.
Well the Olympics are over, and other than Team Canada’s Chokefest on ice, Canada’s Olympic Team, all-in-all, came out in good standing, poised to have the strength to actually win the games in 2010. With the exception of Jeremy Wotherspoon and Chris Pronger, who may as well just not come home, Canada’s athletes kicked a lot of ass and defied the typical Canadian pessimistic expectations. Stephen Harper was so impressed with the athletes in Turin that he released a special statement specifically to the men and women who contributed to Canada’s record medal haul. The official statement read: “Congratulations to Team Canada in Turin.” Wow. No wonder everyone was so keen on getting this brainwave into office. Idiot.
Have a good one!
Adding to a list of randoms, which include Pierce Brosnan and McIver, Paul McCartney has become the latest celebrity to crawl out on PEI ice floes in the dead of winter to yell at Canadians about seals and hunting and global warming or whatever. Islanders, in typical fashion, reacted by reading The Guardian to hear every detail of what he did, what he bought/ate/said/touched (“Then he went into Roots. Then he bought a sweater. It said ‘Canada’ on it.”), the same thing that happens every time Lucille Poulin or Steroid Ben or Prince What’s-his-face and his wife show up. Of course the average Joe Blow doesn’t give a rat’s ass whether he’s here for the seals or for a drink at the Legion. All they want to know was if their brother’s wife’s cousin’s daughter was working at Cow’s (which is right next to Roots) when he bought the sweater. Through this unique and complex “Oh yeah she’s related to my third cousin’s bus driver” scheme, I am convinced that an Islander has been involved in every major world event since the beginning of time including Noah’s Ark, the French Revolution, and the Kennedy assassination (Lee Harvey Oswald’s mother stayed at Blue Jay Cottages once.)
Following the visit to the Gulf of St. Lawrence, Paul and his wife, Heather, appeared on Larry King Live and faced off against Newfoundland (or New Finland according to Larry) Premier Danny Williams. The problem with that, first of all, is Sir Paul had no idea what the hell he was talking about and looked about as comfortable on TV as he would be during a rectal exam. His loudmouth wife, on the other hand, was far too preoccupied with not shutting up that she didn’t allow any time for oxygen or reasonable thought to make it through her brain. Oh ok, the money the sealers make is inconsequential? Yeah, maybe for you and your husband’s $1.5 billion bank account. What? You think the guys who spend their winters freezing their asses off walking around on the ice killing adorable little seals are just doing it for kicks? By the way, who the hell do you think is buying all these furs? I think you’d be hard-pressed to see anyone in this part of the world who can afford that extravagance, let alone one who would be stupid enough to wear that shit. It’s on the runways of Milan and Paris and London that you find the yield of this hunt, so maybe you should go home and talk to your pop-star friends rather than preach to bunch of Islanders and Newfies who don’t really care what your point is anyway. My favorite part of the whole trip was when dear old Lady McCartney scoffed at Prime Minister Harper because he didn’t meet with them because he had meetings all day. Imagine! Well excuse us. We’re sorry that the Prime Minister of our country doesn’t drop everything he’s doing every time some two-bit celebrity and washed up rocker climbs out on the ice to harass seal pups.
Now I know already that people will be pissed off that I seem to be erring on the side of the seal hunters, but that’s not exactly the case. I am not going to stand here and defend the act of beating the life out of a seal pup, God knows I wouldn’t have the heart for that kind of stuff, but I also think it would be a tad bit inaccurate to suggest that the hunters themselves are having a blast out there and are beating seals for the fun of it. For them, it’s money in the bank and food on the table. I don’t endorse the seal hunt or its methods in the same way that I don’t endorse factory farms or slaughterhouses. My issue is mainly with the celebrities who come from around the world where there are many problems of their own I’m sure they could be solving, yet insist on getting pictures with the cute furry white baby seals (which have been illegal to hunt since the 80’s). If you want to advocate for humane treatment of animals, fine, but I don’t see any of them mucking around pig farms or chicken factory farms bitching about the conditions or about how they kill the animals. Today there are 5.9 million seals out there, almost 3 times the number there was in the 70’s, and that in itself is wreaking havoc on the cod fishery, not to say that that is a justifiable means, but it’s a hell of a lot more compelling than the McCartney’s arguments against the hunt: “Because they’re cute, because it’s mean and the money doesn’t really matter.” Well if the money doesn’t matter, then shell out the $20 million these families need to survive on. That way you can have peace of mind and these hunters can stop spending the dead of winter freezing their asses off. Actually, why even piss on our rug when in Britain, seals are culled on a regular basis to stop them from destroying fishnets. Maybe, try fighting the hunt back home before coming over here and telling us how to run our own country. Ah well. Live and let die.
Well the Olympics are over, and other than Team Canada’s Chokefest on ice, Canada’s Olympic Team, all-in-all, came out in good standing, poised to have the strength to actually win the games in 2010. With the exception of Jeremy Wotherspoon and Chris Pronger, who may as well just not come home, Canada’s athletes kicked a lot of ass and defied the typical Canadian pessimistic expectations. Stephen Harper was so impressed with the athletes in Turin that he released a special statement specifically to the men and women who contributed to Canada’s record medal haul. The official statement read: “Congratulations to Team Canada in Turin.” Wow. No wonder everyone was so keen on getting this brainwave into office. Idiot.
Have a good one!
Sunday, February 19, 2006
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#37)
How’s this for a morning line-up with Paul and Anne? Mariah Carey, Ryan Cabrerra, and Kalan Porter. I am not making this up. I don’t even know how the hell Mariah Carey is singing again. Didn’t her record company pay her off with like $8 million a few years ago to never record a CD for them again? Of course this is after she had went clinically insane, but still, her music remains as mediocre as it ever was. She has, however, apparently tried to educate herself in the ways of the world, a marked improvement I must say, and one made most evident by her comments after she had heard that King Hussad of Jordan had died. “I love Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes of our time.” Classic. And for God’s sake Paul, stop incessantly playing Nickelback’s 'Photograph'. Words cannot express my hatred for this song. I mean I’m used to you ruining good songs by playing them every 7 minutes, but this was a bad song to begin with, and if you keep playing it every morning at 9:07, I’m going to have to kick you in the nuts.
Eminem continues to play the role of a cutting edge musician, with his new song 'When I’m Gone'. This is a follow up to his earlier hits, such as the incredibly politically correct 'Christopher Reeve', the grammatically impeccable 'No one’s Iller than Me', and 'Shake That', whose video features naked Olsen Twin puppets, dancing prostitots, and that never-gets-old gag: Eminem puking on Michael Jackson. With linguistic talent second only to that contained in the legendary Chapter I album of The Moffatts, he continues his poetic prose with his newest song, skillfully creating a conversation between his daughter in the audience and himself from the stage:
Daughter: “Mommy’s wrists are bleeding.”
Eminem: “How’d you get to Sweden?”
Honest to God. You can’t just change the setting of the song just so it rhymes with “wrists are bleeding”. With the exception of Lou Bega and Remy Shand, Eminem is perhaps the worst singer in the history of mankind.
Well, perpetual whiner Steve Moore was back in the news again last week. Levying civil charges against Todd Bertuzzi for his infamous hit during a Colorado-Vancouver game. Ok, let’s set aside the fact that Bertuzzi has already been punished by the NHL, the IIHF and by the courts for his hit. Let’s set aside the fact that it happened years ago, the fact that Bertuzzi has said sorry, that the media has ripped his reputation apart and that he’s lost hundreds of thousands of dollars in lost salary because of Moore. Hello! Moore! It’s the Olympics! Bertuzzi is trying to win a gold medal for our country, so whatever problem you have with him, for God’s sake, wait until the games are over just so your selfish lust for an extended 15 minutes of fame doesn’t screw up our chances at defending our country’s legacy. You and your pain-in-ass antics owes us at least that much. Jerkass.
American defenceman Angela Ruggeiro criticized the Canadians Women’s Hockey team for “running up the score” against other teams after a 16-0 rout over the host Italian squad. “There was no need for that. They’re trying to pad their stats,” she said. And you know she’s right, Canada’s team should definitely stop scoring so many goals. Just score one or two and then skate around and toy with the other team for the remaining 40 minutes. In fact, everyone in the Olympics should stop being so damn competitive. It’s not like the point of the games is to do the best you can or to win or anything. If you get too far ahead in speed skating, slow down! You should let the other guy catch up so he doesn’t feel bad about himself. Or if you’re winning the biathlon just fall down once or twice or miss a few shots to even up the field a bit. Or, if you’re American snowboarder Lindsey Jacobellis and are way ahead in a race and you’re a sure bet for the gold medal, show off with a fancy jump, fall on your face, and let the Swiss win. When is the last time you saw an American intentionally slow down or impede their game because a wave of compassion and pity for their competitors swept over them? Never? Yeah that’s what I thought.
To use basketball as an example, you don’t exactly see the American Dream Team trying to ease it up a bit to keep the score close in Summer Olympics. Even against teams like Uruguay, Angola and Lithuania I seem to remember them actually trying to score as many points as possible against their opponents! Imagine! Ruggeiro, just because your country isn’t as good as another does not mean that they have to stop being good and wait for you to catch up. But of course, in their ultimate wisdom, the Americans went out against the Swedes in their next game and to show us Canadians what a great and compassionate team they are, refused to run up the score against Sweden, and, in a remarkable show of self-restraint, lost the game. Good show! Now that’s sportsmanship, keeping the score so close that you actually lose the game.
I’m sure at least some of you are thinking I shouldn’t be such a jerk to the loser Americans, you know, just like everyone else they trained for 4 years to get where they are now, only to see it all swept away by the underdog Swedes. Yeah, that’s too bad. Does anyone remember in Nagano in 1998 when American Sandra Whyte made fun of Danielle Goyette’s father, Henri-Paul, who had died two days before? How about at the last Olympics when American referee Stacey Livingston assessed 11 penalties against Canada, with only 4 against the US? No? Well I do. And how about in Salt Lake City when the Americans had a Canadian flag on the floor of their dressing room? How’s that for Olympic spirit? How’s that for sportsmanship? So do I feel bad for the American squad? No. Not one bit. They are still the same cheating losers they’ve always been.
Oh and Ruggeiro, way to go 0 for 2 in the shoot-out. Loser.
Have a good one!
Eminem continues to play the role of a cutting edge musician, with his new song 'When I’m Gone'. This is a follow up to his earlier hits, such as the incredibly politically correct 'Christopher Reeve', the grammatically impeccable 'No one’s Iller than Me', and 'Shake That', whose video features naked Olsen Twin puppets, dancing prostitots, and that never-gets-old gag: Eminem puking on Michael Jackson. With linguistic talent second only to that contained in the legendary Chapter I album of The Moffatts, he continues his poetic prose with his newest song, skillfully creating a conversation between his daughter in the audience and himself from the stage:
Daughter: “Mommy’s wrists are bleeding.”
Eminem: “How’d you get to Sweden?”
Honest to God. You can’t just change the setting of the song just so it rhymes with “wrists are bleeding”. With the exception of Lou Bega and Remy Shand, Eminem is perhaps the worst singer in the history of mankind.
Well, perpetual whiner Steve Moore was back in the news again last week. Levying civil charges against Todd Bertuzzi for his infamous hit during a Colorado-Vancouver game. Ok, let’s set aside the fact that Bertuzzi has already been punished by the NHL, the IIHF and by the courts for his hit. Let’s set aside the fact that it happened years ago, the fact that Bertuzzi has said sorry, that the media has ripped his reputation apart and that he’s lost hundreds of thousands of dollars in lost salary because of Moore. Hello! Moore! It’s the Olympics! Bertuzzi is trying to win a gold medal for our country, so whatever problem you have with him, for God’s sake, wait until the games are over just so your selfish lust for an extended 15 minutes of fame doesn’t screw up our chances at defending our country’s legacy. You and your pain-in-ass antics owes us at least that much. Jerkass.
American defenceman Angela Ruggeiro criticized the Canadians Women’s Hockey team for “running up the score” against other teams after a 16-0 rout over the host Italian squad. “There was no need for that. They’re trying to pad their stats,” she said. And you know she’s right, Canada’s team should definitely stop scoring so many goals. Just score one or two and then skate around and toy with the other team for the remaining 40 minutes. In fact, everyone in the Olympics should stop being so damn competitive. It’s not like the point of the games is to do the best you can or to win or anything. If you get too far ahead in speed skating, slow down! You should let the other guy catch up so he doesn’t feel bad about himself. Or if you’re winning the biathlon just fall down once or twice or miss a few shots to even up the field a bit. Or, if you’re American snowboarder Lindsey Jacobellis and are way ahead in a race and you’re a sure bet for the gold medal, show off with a fancy jump, fall on your face, and let the Swiss win. When is the last time you saw an American intentionally slow down or impede their game because a wave of compassion and pity for their competitors swept over them? Never? Yeah that’s what I thought.
To use basketball as an example, you don’t exactly see the American Dream Team trying to ease it up a bit to keep the score close in Summer Olympics. Even against teams like Uruguay, Angola and Lithuania I seem to remember them actually trying to score as many points as possible against their opponents! Imagine! Ruggeiro, just because your country isn’t as good as another does not mean that they have to stop being good and wait for you to catch up. But of course, in their ultimate wisdom, the Americans went out against the Swedes in their next game and to show us Canadians what a great and compassionate team they are, refused to run up the score against Sweden, and, in a remarkable show of self-restraint, lost the game. Good show! Now that’s sportsmanship, keeping the score so close that you actually lose the game.
I’m sure at least some of you are thinking I shouldn’t be such a jerk to the loser Americans, you know, just like everyone else they trained for 4 years to get where they are now, only to see it all swept away by the underdog Swedes. Yeah, that’s too bad. Does anyone remember in Nagano in 1998 when American Sandra Whyte made fun of Danielle Goyette’s father, Henri-Paul, who had died two days before? How about at the last Olympics when American referee Stacey Livingston assessed 11 penalties against Canada, with only 4 against the US? No? Well I do. And how about in Salt Lake City when the Americans had a Canadian flag on the floor of their dressing room? How’s that for Olympic spirit? How’s that for sportsmanship? So do I feel bad for the American squad? No. Not one bit. They are still the same cheating losers they’ve always been.
Oh and Ruggeiro, way to go 0 for 2 in the shoot-out. Loser.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#36)
Well the attention of media from across Canada was attracted to UPEI last week as a developing issue on our campus, that could potentially affect every student at our University, caught the nation’s attention. Yes, for the first time in modern memory, UPEI actually closed school for an entire day. Despite this, the world kept turning, and elsewhere in the world other stories grabbed headlines as people got on with their lives following the long-fabled full-day UPEI cancellation. This is a comprehensive recap of other headlines from last week:
1. Headline: Man Killed After Stripping Naked
So apparently some guy, after driving his over the median into on-coming traffic and crashing his truck on the highway in Washington State, flew into a fit of rage, stripped off all his clothes and stood in the middle of the I-90, jumping up and down and waving at passing cars. After several minutes of this, in freezing temperatures no less, the 35-year-old was hit by a pick-up truck and died instantly. What the hell is wrong with people? Has our society devolved to the point whereby ripping off all your clothes and running into traffic is an acceptable expression of anger? Again, I wish the people who run across University Avenue in the middle of traffic and the cars that brake for them would learn from stories like this, but learning from this would of course require you not be a moron in the first place.
2. Headline: U.S. Fires On Car of Canadian Envoy
An American envoy of five armored Humvees opened fire on a Canadian diplomatic vehicle in Baghdad’s Green Zone last week. The US version of the story states that the Canadian vehicle, complete with Canadian flag, refused to stop when they repeatedly waved at it. Feeling threatened, “the American convoy vehicle defended itself by firing a three-round burst” at the front of the vehicle, “away from the passenger area.” The American government has stuck to this story despite the fact that the vehicle was driven by a Canadian soldier who was fully briefed and took a two-week course on the rules of the road in the Green Zone and that the Canadians were only going 20km an hour at the time of the incident. The official statement from the U.S. Military by Lt.-Col. Barry Johnson’s that “Clearly these warning shots weren’t aimed at the occupants,” seems questionable, as it is quite evident that a bullet did indeed pierce the passenger side of the vehicle, given the large bullet-shaped hole in the windshield. In contrast, on CNN, it was reported that unruly Canadians had tried to speed past the convoy. As reported in The Globe and Mail, in the minds of many in the Canadian Foreign Service, this has painted a picture of the U.S. soldiers as “trigger-happy Americans needlessly firing on a well-marked vehicle.” This is the second time in recent months that the conduct of American soldiers has been called into question by foreign diplomats. An Italian diplomat was killed when the vehicle he was driving in was shot at by American soldiers when, according to the U.S. Military investigation, it refused to slow down. What did the Italian investigation deem as the cause? The “stress and inexperience of the soldiers.” Surprise, surprise. While the American government has called the incident “regrettable,” they have not apologized for it. Niiice. Just once, the next time the Americans shoot down an Allied plane or drop bombs on their friends or shoot foreign service officials, I’d like to get Nan go make George say he’s sorry. Just once.
Nan: “Say you’re sorry.”
Bush: “It was regret…SLAP!
Nan: “Say you’re sorry.”
Bush: “We didn’t know that…SLAP!
Nan: “Say you’re sorry.”
3. Headline: Karate Experts to Fight Parrots
Yes, some Ninjas have been hired to fight any parrot that tries to mess up the 140 classic cars that are visiting Mount Cook in New Zealand this week. The 40 or so Karate experts will evidently take-on any Keas Parrot head-to-head if it tries to damage the vehicles with their sharp beaks. This may well be the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my life.
4. Headline: Child Groom of Wife, 37, Runs Away
In this story, an Atlanta-area 15-year-old boy ran away from his grandmother’s house, “without shoes, jacket or money,” just weeks before his 37-year-old wife was due to give birth to their baby. At hearing about his disappearance, the wife was reportedly “surprised and concerned.” Yeah. No shit.
5. Headline: Hussein’s Trial: New Judge, New Concerns
Well the Hussein trial took a bizarre turn last week, as a new judge, the third since the trial began on October 19th, kicked Saddam’s brother-in-law, Barzan al-Tikriti, out of the courtroom for yelling expletives at him. He then kicked out Barzan’s lawyer, and then when the other defence lawyers left in protest, he expelled all of them too. When he tried to appoint a new lawyer for Saddam, Hussein went berserk and had to be physically restrained as he protested this appointment, so the judge kicked him out too. No Saddam, no trial, court adjourned. This describes the events of only the third day that court has actually been in session since the trial began four months ago. Since then, seven people, SEVEN people, have been assassinated for their involvement in the trial. Let me ask one thing. Why the hell are we going through the song and dance of a trial for Saddam Hussein? This is the man that the Americans sought for decades, chasing him out of Kuwait, cleaning up his messes around the Middle East, and wringing their hands in fear about. Finally, old Bush Jr. decided to go in and find the old dictator. After killing tens of thousands of Iraqis in an effort to…well, free them, the Americans found Saddam under some Styrofoam brick. Did they shoot him then and there? Did they bomb the shit out of his hole and chalk him up as “collateral damage” as they did with the other 30,000 Iraqis that were killed in the process of finding that hole? Nope. He, of course, gets a fair trial. Riiight. Should we see if he’s actually guilty before mowing down 30,000 Iraqis to get to him? Guess not. And not only does he get a trial, he gets a farcical rendition of one, like he’s some kind of Middle Eastern Michael Jackson or something. Why? Does anyone think that the judge is going to be like: “Actually, we got the wrong guy. It was some guy in a Saddam suit the whole time. Turns out this Saddam Hussein actually runs a deli in suburban An Nasiriyah and helps bake cookies for the CWL.” CNN News: “…And the former Iraqi dictator has pledged to spend the rest of his life searching for the real Butcher of Baghdad.” No. They’re going to hang this man no matter who comes forward and speaks on his behalf, no matter how many lawyers and judges and witnesses get murdered in the process. And sure, I know we have to stand up for international justice and give him a fair trial and blah, blah, blah. But this isn’t a fair trial to begin with, and all this courtroom madness is doing is making Saddam seem a little more human and a little more like a martyr to the Islamic world. As I’ve said before, wouldn’t it have been a hell of a lot easier for American soldiers to treat Saddam like they did every other Iraqi they killed and just drop a grenade in his little hole? And Ka-boom! Abdullah’s your uncle.
Have a good one!
1. Headline: Man Killed After Stripping Naked
So apparently some guy, after driving his over the median into on-coming traffic and crashing his truck on the highway in Washington State, flew into a fit of rage, stripped off all his clothes and stood in the middle of the I-90, jumping up and down and waving at passing cars. After several minutes of this, in freezing temperatures no less, the 35-year-old was hit by a pick-up truck and died instantly. What the hell is wrong with people? Has our society devolved to the point whereby ripping off all your clothes and running into traffic is an acceptable expression of anger? Again, I wish the people who run across University Avenue in the middle of traffic and the cars that brake for them would learn from stories like this, but learning from this would of course require you not be a moron in the first place.
2. Headline: U.S. Fires On Car of Canadian Envoy
An American envoy of five armored Humvees opened fire on a Canadian diplomatic vehicle in Baghdad’s Green Zone last week. The US version of the story states that the Canadian vehicle, complete with Canadian flag, refused to stop when they repeatedly waved at it. Feeling threatened, “the American convoy vehicle defended itself by firing a three-round burst” at the front of the vehicle, “away from the passenger area.” The American government has stuck to this story despite the fact that the vehicle was driven by a Canadian soldier who was fully briefed and took a two-week course on the rules of the road in the Green Zone and that the Canadians were only going 20km an hour at the time of the incident. The official statement from the U.S. Military by Lt.-Col. Barry Johnson’s that “Clearly these warning shots weren’t aimed at the occupants,” seems questionable, as it is quite evident that a bullet did indeed pierce the passenger side of the vehicle, given the large bullet-shaped hole in the windshield. In contrast, on CNN, it was reported that unruly Canadians had tried to speed past the convoy. As reported in The Globe and Mail, in the minds of many in the Canadian Foreign Service, this has painted a picture of the U.S. soldiers as “trigger-happy Americans needlessly firing on a well-marked vehicle.” This is the second time in recent months that the conduct of American soldiers has been called into question by foreign diplomats. An Italian diplomat was killed when the vehicle he was driving in was shot at by American soldiers when, according to the U.S. Military investigation, it refused to slow down. What did the Italian investigation deem as the cause? The “stress and inexperience of the soldiers.” Surprise, surprise. While the American government has called the incident “regrettable,” they have not apologized for it. Niiice. Just once, the next time the Americans shoot down an Allied plane or drop bombs on their friends or shoot foreign service officials, I’d like to get Nan go make George say he’s sorry. Just once.
Nan: “Say you’re sorry.”
Bush: “It was regret…SLAP!
Nan: “Say you’re sorry.”
Bush: “We didn’t know that…SLAP!
Nan: “Say you’re sorry.”
3. Headline: Karate Experts to Fight Parrots
Yes, some Ninjas have been hired to fight any parrot that tries to mess up the 140 classic cars that are visiting Mount Cook in New Zealand this week. The 40 or so Karate experts will evidently take-on any Keas Parrot head-to-head if it tries to damage the vehicles with their sharp beaks. This may well be the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my life.
4. Headline: Child Groom of Wife, 37, Runs Away
In this story, an Atlanta-area 15-year-old boy ran away from his grandmother’s house, “without shoes, jacket or money,” just weeks before his 37-year-old wife was due to give birth to their baby. At hearing about his disappearance, the wife was reportedly “surprised and concerned.” Yeah. No shit.
5. Headline: Hussein’s Trial: New Judge, New Concerns
Well the Hussein trial took a bizarre turn last week, as a new judge, the third since the trial began on October 19th, kicked Saddam’s brother-in-law, Barzan al-Tikriti, out of the courtroom for yelling expletives at him. He then kicked out Barzan’s lawyer, and then when the other defence lawyers left in protest, he expelled all of them too. When he tried to appoint a new lawyer for Saddam, Hussein went berserk and had to be physically restrained as he protested this appointment, so the judge kicked him out too. No Saddam, no trial, court adjourned. This describes the events of only the third day that court has actually been in session since the trial began four months ago. Since then, seven people, SEVEN people, have been assassinated for their involvement in the trial. Let me ask one thing. Why the hell are we going through the song and dance of a trial for Saddam Hussein? This is the man that the Americans sought for decades, chasing him out of Kuwait, cleaning up his messes around the Middle East, and wringing their hands in fear about. Finally, old Bush Jr. decided to go in and find the old dictator. After killing tens of thousands of Iraqis in an effort to…well, free them, the Americans found Saddam under some Styrofoam brick. Did they shoot him then and there? Did they bomb the shit out of his hole and chalk him up as “collateral damage” as they did with the other 30,000 Iraqis that were killed in the process of finding that hole? Nope. He, of course, gets a fair trial. Riiight. Should we see if he’s actually guilty before mowing down 30,000 Iraqis to get to him? Guess not. And not only does he get a trial, he gets a farcical rendition of one, like he’s some kind of Middle Eastern Michael Jackson or something. Why? Does anyone think that the judge is going to be like: “Actually, we got the wrong guy. It was some guy in a Saddam suit the whole time. Turns out this Saddam Hussein actually runs a deli in suburban An Nasiriyah and helps bake cookies for the CWL.” CNN News: “…And the former Iraqi dictator has pledged to spend the rest of his life searching for the real Butcher of Baghdad.” No. They’re going to hang this man no matter who comes forward and speaks on his behalf, no matter how many lawyers and judges and witnesses get murdered in the process. And sure, I know we have to stand up for international justice and give him a fair trial and blah, blah, blah. But this isn’t a fair trial to begin with, and all this courtroom madness is doing is making Saddam seem a little more human and a little more like a martyr to the Islamic world. As I’ve said before, wouldn’t it have been a hell of a lot easier for American soldiers to treat Saddam like they did every other Iraqi they killed and just drop a grenade in his little hole? And Ka-boom! Abdullah’s your uncle.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
…And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#35)
If there is one thing in the world that pisses me off (and obviously, there are very few things that piss me off), it’s vandalism. This incredible angst just sort of crept up on me last week when I was told that people won’t live in downtown Charlottetown because they are scared of the graffiti down there. Now, admittedly, this is kind of stupid, and anyone who is scared of graffiti should be living in Stanley Bridge or something, but the fact remains that there is a disproportionate amount of graffiti downtown. People somehow find it necessary to scrawl stuff on walls to tell the world what is going on in their head. Why? Because nothing says ‘I love you’ like spray paint on a rock face along the Cobequid Pass? Because you’re Straight-Edge? OoOoOo. That’s special. Oh. You’re anti-establishment? Wonderful. You know what? No one cares. Plus, if you believe in something so strongly, you shouldn’t need the attention of the general public to be validated as a person. You should also possess the common sense to discern how truly useless graffiti is. Some random business guy is not going to walk down Queen Street on lunch and see "Down with the system!" or "Screw ‘The Man’" written on a wall and think "You know what? They are SO right! What a great idea!" and then quit their job and leave their wife and 2.5 kids in suburbia and go live in the woods and become a vegetarian and eat roots all day. So what’s the point? Keep your stupid opinions to yourself and if you want to complain about the world and share your ideas that no one cares about, write an article in a student newspaper or something.
Vandals have been busy all over this city in recent months, ripping cords out of ATM machines here on campus, kicking over gravestones, defacing election posters, trashing statues at churches, etc. etc. Over Christmas people even cut down lights at people’s houses and, in Nova Scotia, someone stole a lot-full of trees that a youth groups was selling for charity. What the hell is wrong with people? Like fine, if you want to rob banks, steal cars, jump off buildings, snort crack-cocaine all day, go ahead, whatever. It’s still damn stupid, but at least you’re getting money or high or adrenaline or some sort of rise out of it. Painting up a wall or kicking over gravestones? Frig right off. I’m generally not a big fan of capital punishment or prison torture, but these are definitely the types of people that we should bring it back for. And Paul Allen.
Speaking of capital punishment, the California government executed another death-row inmate last week. Now, I am not going to criticize the death penalty in the US, hell I’m not even going to point out that capital punishment is largely counter-productive. They’re an independent country, they can make their own laws, and God knows, judging by the number of high-intensity debates we had in Junior High about this issue that it will likely never be resolved anyway. I do, however, sort of balk at the idea of executing a 76-year-old man who is in a wheelchair and legally blind after he waited 23 years on death row. I mean, if the very point of capital punishment is to punish felons and have the families of victims placated, what is the point of having the families of victims wait around for 23 years and meanwhile spending money to keep some guy alive so you can kill him? In September, this old guy, Clarence Ray Allen, nearly died when his heart stopped, but prison officials were like: "Oh no you don’t!", revived him, and put him back in his cell. Niiice. That’s another four months of room and board to pay for, plus health costs for a 76-year-old blind guy in a wheel chair. This is almost as bad as the system that the Americans have set up in Iraq. Remember Abu Gharib prison? Yeah, the one where American soldiers were torturing Iraqi prisoners? Well it was back in the news last week when the Americans decided to make the prison a, and I quote: "highlight [of] the progress toward democratic governance and the rule of law, demonstrating the involvement of Iraq’s government in the effort to provide both security and justice for all Iraqis." Wow. That sounds like a pretty sweet plan. How did they do this? Well by releasing 500 prisoners of course! Were these prisoners found innocent? Nope. Had they served their full-term? Heck no! They just opened the gates and off they went. The prisoners who were released, 500 of a full 1300 releasees in an apparent American ‘catch & release’ program, were asked to renounce violence and to pledge to be "good citizens" in the new "democratic Iraq".
Guard: "Do you promise not to do anything BAD?"
(Prisoner nods head)
Guard: Now Abdul, are you SURE you won’t do anything bad again?"
(Prisoner shrugs)
Guard: (chuckles) "Oh ya little kidder. Get outta here."
I don’t know, it just seems a bit contradictory to me. People being imprisoned without charge? Executing seniors? Prisoners who, in any other situation would be referred to as potential terrorists, being spontaneously set free? Riiight.
So some idiot sent me an email the other day telling me that MSN is shutting down for good (they’re serious this time!) and that I had better damnwell send it to my entire contact list unless I wanted to be screwed royally. Here, word-for-word, is that email:
Hey it is Andy and john the directors of MSN, sorry for the interruption but msn is closing down. this is because too many inconsiderate people are taking up all the name (eg making up lots of different accounts for just one person), we only have 578 names left. If you would like to close your account, DO NOT SEND THIS MESSAGE ON. If you would like to keep your account, then SEND THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE ON YOUR CONTACT LIST. This is no joke, we will be shutting down the servers. Send it on, thanks. WHO EVER DOES NOT SEND THIS MESSEAGE, YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE CLOSED AND YOU WILL COST 10.00 A MONTH TO USE. SEND THIS TO EVERYONE ON YOUR CONTACT LIST. NOW YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO. PLEASE DO NOT FORWARD THIS or REPLAY. COPY THE WHOLE EMAIL. GO BACK TO YOUR INBOX AND CLICK ON NEW. AND PASTE
THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION
I am dead serious. Someone actually sent me this in fear of losing their MSN privileges. Listen there Andy and John, you idiots. Even if you are real people, do you think that people are going to believe that the entire MSN system is left in the hands of two dumbasses who can’t even spell words like ‘message’ and ‘reply’ and who don’t even have a simple grasp of the mechanics of the English language? Who the hell takes the time in their day to write this shit? There is absolutely no gratification to this, unless you’re the type of person that gets a rise out of having gullible idiots are sending this message on in perpetuity. Newsflash! You know those emails about some kid in Bolivia who got trampled by a herd of sheep and needs a billion dollars cash by this tomorrow or he’s done for? Yeah, didn’t happen. I mean I am impressed with the imaginative bullshit these people come up with, but even if there was some truth to any of these stories, sending an email to your contact list isn’t going to do a damn thing for them. It’s not going to propagate a miracle, it’s not going to force the Bolivian government to invest in Health Care or in better sheep fencing, and Bill Gates sure as hell is not going to give the kid a buck everytime some moron sends the email. Never mind that there is no accurate way of keeping track of how many times the email gets sent, it is just, plain and simple, a stupid idea.
Has anyone watched Family Feud in the past 7 or 8 years? That is the most obnoxious and seizure-inducing half-hour on television. It’s even worse than that stupid King Cole Cup of Cash draw. Are these people on crack? No matter what stupid answers these jerks come out with, the whole bunch of them go completely berserk, clapping their hands and shrieking. It’s like Tourette’s Syndrome on speed. "GOOD ANSWER! GOOD ANSWER!!!" No. No it wasn’t. You didn’t get shit. Shut the hell up. Where do they get these people? Unit 9? Utah? The Church of Scientology? And who the hell hired Al Borland as host? Yes, the infamous Richard Karn has replaced the massive Louie Anderson, a man whose voice could stun and kill a deaf ox at 50 yards, as host. Of course Karn isn’t much of an improvement. I think his only qualification was the fact that he was also a fat aging white guy. If my grandmother didn’t enjoy the show so much, I think I’d have to fly down to L.A. and punch Karn in the face. Him and the Golden Girls. And listen Dick; it’s SUR-vey, not SHUR-vey. Moron.
And finally, election time has come and gone in Canada once again. Well yippee-ay-oh-kay-eh. I am writing this before most people have cast their ballots, so obviously I can’t say for definite sure who our Prime Minister is as you are reading this, but my guess, judging by the "shoot ourselves in the face" campaign strategy of the Liberals, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that good old Stephen Harper is at the helm. And not that this scares me all that much, per se, it’s just that his stupidity during the campaign kinda weirded me out a bit. We need to give seniors tons of money because "seniors fought for us in two world wars for us…" Well Stevie, this is partly true, but seeing as there are only four guys alive in Canada that were actually enrolled in the military during World War I, I wouldn’t try to go ride that World War I wave too much. Sigh.
Have a good one!
Vandals have been busy all over this city in recent months, ripping cords out of ATM machines here on campus, kicking over gravestones, defacing election posters, trashing statues at churches, etc. etc. Over Christmas people even cut down lights at people’s houses and, in Nova Scotia, someone stole a lot-full of trees that a youth groups was selling for charity. What the hell is wrong with people? Like fine, if you want to rob banks, steal cars, jump off buildings, snort crack-cocaine all day, go ahead, whatever. It’s still damn stupid, but at least you’re getting money or high or adrenaline or some sort of rise out of it. Painting up a wall or kicking over gravestones? Frig right off. I’m generally not a big fan of capital punishment or prison torture, but these are definitely the types of people that we should bring it back for. And Paul Allen.
Speaking of capital punishment, the California government executed another death-row inmate last week. Now, I am not going to criticize the death penalty in the US, hell I’m not even going to point out that capital punishment is largely counter-productive. They’re an independent country, they can make their own laws, and God knows, judging by the number of high-intensity debates we had in Junior High about this issue that it will likely never be resolved anyway. I do, however, sort of balk at the idea of executing a 76-year-old man who is in a wheelchair and legally blind after he waited 23 years on death row. I mean, if the very point of capital punishment is to punish felons and have the families of victims placated, what is the point of having the families of victims wait around for 23 years and meanwhile spending money to keep some guy alive so you can kill him? In September, this old guy, Clarence Ray Allen, nearly died when his heart stopped, but prison officials were like: "Oh no you don’t!", revived him, and put him back in his cell. Niiice. That’s another four months of room and board to pay for, plus health costs for a 76-year-old blind guy in a wheel chair. This is almost as bad as the system that the Americans have set up in Iraq. Remember Abu Gharib prison? Yeah, the one where American soldiers were torturing Iraqi prisoners? Well it was back in the news last week when the Americans decided to make the prison a, and I quote: "highlight [of] the progress toward democratic governance and the rule of law, demonstrating the involvement of Iraq’s government in the effort to provide both security and justice for all Iraqis." Wow. That sounds like a pretty sweet plan. How did they do this? Well by releasing 500 prisoners of course! Were these prisoners found innocent? Nope. Had they served their full-term? Heck no! They just opened the gates and off they went. The prisoners who were released, 500 of a full 1300 releasees in an apparent American ‘catch & release’ program, were asked to renounce violence and to pledge to be "good citizens" in the new "democratic Iraq".
Guard: "Do you promise not to do anything BAD?"
(Prisoner nods head)
Guard: Now Abdul, are you SURE you won’t do anything bad again?"
(Prisoner shrugs)
Guard: (chuckles) "Oh ya little kidder. Get outta here."
I don’t know, it just seems a bit contradictory to me. People being imprisoned without charge? Executing seniors? Prisoners who, in any other situation would be referred to as potential terrorists, being spontaneously set free? Riiight.
So some idiot sent me an email the other day telling me that MSN is shutting down for good (they’re serious this time!) and that I had better damnwell send it to my entire contact list unless I wanted to be screwed royally. Here, word-for-word, is that email:
Hey it is Andy and john the directors of MSN, sorry for the interruption but msn is closing down. this is because too many inconsiderate people are taking up all the name (eg making up lots of different accounts for just one person), we only have 578 names left. If you would like to close your account, DO NOT SEND THIS MESSAGE ON. If you would like to keep your account, then SEND THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE ON YOUR CONTACT LIST. This is no joke, we will be shutting down the servers. Send it on, thanks. WHO EVER DOES NOT SEND THIS MESSEAGE, YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE CLOSED AND YOU WILL COST 10.00 A MONTH TO USE. SEND THIS TO EVERYONE ON YOUR CONTACT LIST. NOW YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO. PLEASE DO NOT FORWARD THIS or REPLAY. COPY THE WHOLE EMAIL. GO BACK TO YOUR INBOX AND CLICK ON NEW. AND PASTE
THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION
I am dead serious. Someone actually sent me this in fear of losing their MSN privileges. Listen there Andy and John, you idiots. Even if you are real people, do you think that people are going to believe that the entire MSN system is left in the hands of two dumbasses who can’t even spell words like ‘message’ and ‘reply’ and who don’t even have a simple grasp of the mechanics of the English language? Who the hell takes the time in their day to write this shit? There is absolutely no gratification to this, unless you’re the type of person that gets a rise out of having gullible idiots are sending this message on in perpetuity. Newsflash! You know those emails about some kid in Bolivia who got trampled by a herd of sheep and needs a billion dollars cash by this tomorrow or he’s done for? Yeah, didn’t happen. I mean I am impressed with the imaginative bullshit these people come up with, but even if there was some truth to any of these stories, sending an email to your contact list isn’t going to do a damn thing for them. It’s not going to propagate a miracle, it’s not going to force the Bolivian government to invest in Health Care or in better sheep fencing, and Bill Gates sure as hell is not going to give the kid a buck everytime some moron sends the email. Never mind that there is no accurate way of keeping track of how many times the email gets sent, it is just, plain and simple, a stupid idea.
Has anyone watched Family Feud in the past 7 or 8 years? That is the most obnoxious and seizure-inducing half-hour on television. It’s even worse than that stupid King Cole Cup of Cash draw. Are these people on crack? No matter what stupid answers these jerks come out with, the whole bunch of them go completely berserk, clapping their hands and shrieking. It’s like Tourette’s Syndrome on speed. "GOOD ANSWER! GOOD ANSWER!!!" No. No it wasn’t. You didn’t get shit. Shut the hell up. Where do they get these people? Unit 9? Utah? The Church of Scientology? And who the hell hired Al Borland as host? Yes, the infamous Richard Karn has replaced the massive Louie Anderson, a man whose voice could stun and kill a deaf ox at 50 yards, as host. Of course Karn isn’t much of an improvement. I think his only qualification was the fact that he was also a fat aging white guy. If my grandmother didn’t enjoy the show so much, I think I’d have to fly down to L.A. and punch Karn in the face. Him and the Golden Girls. And listen Dick; it’s SUR-vey, not SHUR-vey. Moron.
And finally, election time has come and gone in Canada once again. Well yippee-ay-oh-kay-eh. I am writing this before most people have cast their ballots, so obviously I can’t say for definite sure who our Prime Minister is as you are reading this, but my guess, judging by the "shoot ourselves in the face" campaign strategy of the Liberals, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that good old Stephen Harper is at the helm. And not that this scares me all that much, per se, it’s just that his stupidity during the campaign kinda weirded me out a bit. We need to give seniors tons of money because "seniors fought for us in two world wars for us…" Well Stevie, this is partly true, but seeing as there are only four guys alive in Canada that were actually enrolled in the military during World War I, I wouldn’t try to go ride that World War I wave too much. Sigh.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#34)
Well, the New Year came in with a bang this year, particularly for those of you who happen to live in the general area surrounding Brown’s Court and Queen Street. For anyone who was not present that evening, I think a friend of mine described it best when he said “Oh my God. Brown’s Court is like Rwanda!” This was almost entirely true, except for the fact that Rwanda is not filled with drunken idiots. Yes, the large hordes of youth who chose to ring in the New Year by hanging around Brown’s clearly drank responsibly, as indicated by the hundreds of broken beer bottles on the ground the next morning, and to act in a civilized and mature manner, insomuch as ripping the door off building 17, throwing a mattress in the hallway and somehow causing a ceiling leak can be considered as mature and responsible behavior. As always, the wonderful long arm of the law, personified by the elite Charlottetown Police Department, acted valiantly in controlling the situation as the officers in the sole squad car on the scene opted to stay in their car and do absolutely nothing. Wonderful.
Christmastime on PEI was once again a joyous occasion, a time for love and joy and trees and turkeys and for relatives to tell you how bad they had it when they were kids. I heard some Baby-Boomer going on about it the week before Christmas: “Kids today get the Gameboys and the iPods and those cell phones. We only got oranges and socks. And we were damn happy to get it.” Well aren’t you all just paragons of virtue and unfettered selflessness? How can my generation ever possibly meet the impossibly high standards of your oh-so-wonderful and possibly greatest generation of all time? Give it a rest. We don’t care about your damn oranges. It sort of loses its’ quaintness after you whine about it for 40 or 50 years. Hey, at least you didn’t have to fight and die for your own freedom like the two generations did before you. And at least your parent’s generation didn’t totally screw you over by depleting pension plans and social programs to the point that there was no money left by the time you got to retiring age even though you had to pay for it through the nose for your entire career like we’re going to have to do. Phht. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Other than whining, the other great Canadian Christmas tradition continued this year. The World Juniors, were held in Vancouver, as Canada beat the snot out of every team they faced, with only 6 goals scored against them.
Of course all of this could not have been done without the gracious aid of the American coaching staff, who, when tied with Canada late in the third thought “I know! We can pull our goalie!” Uh huh. Good one. Canada of course scored an empty netter, clinching first place and a bye to the semis. Even though the US needed the win, it was still probably the stupidest move in modern sport as a) their goalie was by far the best US player on the ice, and b) they were playing Canada, the World Cup, Olympic, and World Junior Champions, who, believe it or not, are pretty good at scoring on a net that has no goalie in it. No wait, I take that back. The stupidest move in sports was during last year’s semi final in the World Juniors, when the US was losing 4-2 to Russia, and, (surprise, surprise) pulled their goalie. Russia scored two empty-netters, and then after the Americans had the sense to put him back in, the Russians scored on the powerplay with one second left. Final score: USA 2 - Russia 7. God Bless America.
This year’s series culminated in a 5-0 Canadian win over the Soviets, who before the game predicted that mother Russia would “dominate” Canada. Riiight. The Russians were pretty peeved that a goal they scored went uncalled because no one saw it, with their coach arguing that they would’ve probably won had it been called. Um no. Then it would’ve been 5-1. Idiots. Some people felt that Russia was cheated in the non-call and that it could’ve changed the game, but for myself, I consider it payback for the 2003 Gold Medal game that we lost, where the Russian netminder hit the net off its moorings with 10 seconds to go in the game, a move that should have resulted in a penalty shot for Canada. Of course the Russians and Canadians put this all behind them, shook hands after the game, and drank Smirnoff and beer late into the night while making fun of the goalie pull-happy Americans.
Well I was informed after my last rant that some people were offended by my attack on the efforts of the Charlottetown Transit busses to decorate for the holidays. In that article I commented that the trolley-busses looked ridiculous by saying, and I quote “Ding ding! Here comes the shit-mobile.” Well, I am sorry for anyone that offended, but that is exactly what the bus looked like. I was not attempting any sort of attack on the bus system as a whole, indeed I am well aware that Charlottetown needs a transit system, I know the schedule is getting better, and that more and more people are using it. Hell, I wasn’t even all that pissed off when the first time I tried to get on the bus that it drove right past me. Jerks. My question is more me wanting to know why the hell we had to get busses that look like trolleys. For once, could we please just get something normal? Not something named after Anne or Confederation or potatoes or any of that nonsense, nothing to do with history or heritage or tradition: just normal damn busses. It would be more environmentally friendly, they wouldn’t have to use pine benches for god’s sake, and we could actually ride them with a bit of dignity. For some reason, one model that has been decided on for our fair city is one that is supposed to look like trolleys from 1608. What in the hell? 1608? This has absolutely no historical basis in Charlottetown. First of all, I’m pretty sure we didn’t have a mass transit system in 1608, seeing as our first transit system was developed in, yes, you guessed it, 2005. Secondly 1608 is about the same time that Samuel Champlain founded a little village called Quebec, while Black Plague and scurvy is still killing off the Brits, and John Smith is getting his ass saved by Pocahontas. Seeing as nothing was established anywhere near Charlottetown for another 111 years, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say we didn’t have a fleet of trolleys messing about the forest in 1608. Maybe a few Co-op cabs, but that’s about it.
Have a good one!
Christmastime on PEI was once again a joyous occasion, a time for love and joy and trees and turkeys and for relatives to tell you how bad they had it when they were kids. I heard some Baby-Boomer going on about it the week before Christmas: “Kids today get the Gameboys and the iPods and those cell phones. We only got oranges and socks. And we were damn happy to get it.” Well aren’t you all just paragons of virtue and unfettered selflessness? How can my generation ever possibly meet the impossibly high standards of your oh-so-wonderful and possibly greatest generation of all time? Give it a rest. We don’t care about your damn oranges. It sort of loses its’ quaintness after you whine about it for 40 or 50 years. Hey, at least you didn’t have to fight and die for your own freedom like the two generations did before you. And at least your parent’s generation didn’t totally screw you over by depleting pension plans and social programs to the point that there was no money left by the time you got to retiring age even though you had to pay for it through the nose for your entire career like we’re going to have to do. Phht. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Other than whining, the other great Canadian Christmas tradition continued this year. The World Juniors, were held in Vancouver, as Canada beat the snot out of every team they faced, with only 6 goals scored against them.
Of course all of this could not have been done without the gracious aid of the American coaching staff, who, when tied with Canada late in the third thought “I know! We can pull our goalie!” Uh huh. Good one. Canada of course scored an empty netter, clinching first place and a bye to the semis. Even though the US needed the win, it was still probably the stupidest move in modern sport as a) their goalie was by far the best US player on the ice, and b) they were playing Canada, the World Cup, Olympic, and World Junior Champions, who, believe it or not, are pretty good at scoring on a net that has no goalie in it. No wait, I take that back. The stupidest move in sports was during last year’s semi final in the World Juniors, when the US was losing 4-2 to Russia, and, (surprise, surprise) pulled their goalie. Russia scored two empty-netters, and then after the Americans had the sense to put him back in, the Russians scored on the powerplay with one second left. Final score: USA 2 - Russia 7. God Bless America.
This year’s series culminated in a 5-0 Canadian win over the Soviets, who before the game predicted that mother Russia would “dominate” Canada. Riiight. The Russians were pretty peeved that a goal they scored went uncalled because no one saw it, with their coach arguing that they would’ve probably won had it been called. Um no. Then it would’ve been 5-1. Idiots. Some people felt that Russia was cheated in the non-call and that it could’ve changed the game, but for myself, I consider it payback for the 2003 Gold Medal game that we lost, where the Russian netminder hit the net off its moorings with 10 seconds to go in the game, a move that should have resulted in a penalty shot for Canada. Of course the Russians and Canadians put this all behind them, shook hands after the game, and drank Smirnoff and beer late into the night while making fun of the goalie pull-happy Americans.
Well I was informed after my last rant that some people were offended by my attack on the efforts of the Charlottetown Transit busses to decorate for the holidays. In that article I commented that the trolley-busses looked ridiculous by saying, and I quote “Ding ding! Here comes the shit-mobile.” Well, I am sorry for anyone that offended, but that is exactly what the bus looked like. I was not attempting any sort of attack on the bus system as a whole, indeed I am well aware that Charlottetown needs a transit system, I know the schedule is getting better, and that more and more people are using it. Hell, I wasn’t even all that pissed off when the first time I tried to get on the bus that it drove right past me. Jerks. My question is more me wanting to know why the hell we had to get busses that look like trolleys. For once, could we please just get something normal? Not something named after Anne or Confederation or potatoes or any of that nonsense, nothing to do with history or heritage or tradition: just normal damn busses. It would be more environmentally friendly, they wouldn’t have to use pine benches for god’s sake, and we could actually ride them with a bit of dignity. For some reason, one model that has been decided on for our fair city is one that is supposed to look like trolleys from 1608. What in the hell? 1608? This has absolutely no historical basis in Charlottetown. First of all, I’m pretty sure we didn’t have a mass transit system in 1608, seeing as our first transit system was developed in, yes, you guessed it, 2005. Secondly 1608 is about the same time that Samuel Champlain founded a little village called Quebec, while Black Plague and scurvy is still killing off the Brits, and John Smith is getting his ass saved by Pocahontas. Seeing as nothing was established anywhere near Charlottetown for another 111 years, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say we didn’t have a fleet of trolleys messing about the forest in 1608. Maybe a few Co-op cabs, but that’s about it.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#33)
Ah yes. Christmas season on PEI. Snow is in the air, our anally retentive Province has opened the doors for shopping on Sunday, and our beautiful trolley-busses are sporting festive holidays boughs. Ding-ding! All aboard the shit-mobile! Meanwhile, amidst our piles of final assignments and exams and papers and labs, us students are left to ponder how big of an explosion we would have to concoct before they cancelled the remainder of classes and delayed exams for 30 or 40 years. There’s a somewhat joyous concept to consider over the festive season. By the way, just for curiosity’s sake, how damn long does it take to build a friggin Nutri-Science Building anyway? Like holy slack-ass construction Batman!
Well, on Monday Islanders had their chance to vote for a system of Proportional Representation. Did they go for it? Well, It’s Sunday evening, so my opinion is purely speculative, but my guess is: No. Part of the reason for this is because no one knows what the hell is going on, another being that old Patty Binns, a man with the foresight of a carrot, raised the bar of democracy to 60%, presumably to protect us poor voters from being represented by any party other than his own. Of course he doesn’t even have to do a damn thing if it passes anyway. But the main reason it didn’t pass, of course, is because Islanders just don’t like change. “Well yeah, no shit Ryan.” That’s why no one knows how to sort their garbage yet and why we didn’t get a 911 system until 2000. Islanders cherish their backwards and antiquated voting process: you go to the polls, you cast your ballot, your get your pint of rum and you go home. This opinion has been enunciated clearly in the letters to the editor in The Guardian over the past few weeks. These morons would have you believe that the proposed system is equivalent to that of Communist China, which is like comparing my 89-year-old grandmother to 50 Cent. Mind you, the proposed system was likely the stupidest version of Proportional Representation I have ever seen, but the fact remains that somewhere along the line we are going to need electoral change here on PEI. For example, while the rest of the country is going nuts about the Sponsorship Scandal, freaking out that the Liberals gave money and jobs to their friends, Islanders are sitting around thinking: “Yeah...on PEI, that’s called good politics.” Still, some argue that Political Patronage is a thing of the past here on the Island. Oh sure. And if you believe that I have a Little Christo’s Factory and some Polar Food stock to sell you. I’m sure it’s not coincidence that after Catherine Callbeck won a landslide in 1993 that my road was paved for the first time since 1961, nor is it by mere happenstance that every damn mailbox on our road has been blown to shit by Conservative plow operators since Binns took over in ‘96. Binnsy, by the way, has decided to stick around to run in the next Provincial election. Well good. I was wondering who was going to continue funding ridiculous business ventures and driving our economy into the ground. Ahwell. In the era of the quasi-democratic 60%+1, you get what you ask for. Or at least what Binns tells you to ask for.
Have a good one!
Well, on Monday Islanders had their chance to vote for a system of Proportional Representation. Did they go for it? Well, It’s Sunday evening, so my opinion is purely speculative, but my guess is: No. Part of the reason for this is because no one knows what the hell is going on, another being that old Patty Binns, a man with the foresight of a carrot, raised the bar of democracy to 60%, presumably to protect us poor voters from being represented by any party other than his own. Of course he doesn’t even have to do a damn thing if it passes anyway. But the main reason it didn’t pass, of course, is because Islanders just don’t like change. “Well yeah, no shit Ryan.” That’s why no one knows how to sort their garbage yet and why we didn’t get a 911 system until 2000. Islanders cherish their backwards and antiquated voting process: you go to the polls, you cast your ballot, your get your pint of rum and you go home. This opinion has been enunciated clearly in the letters to the editor in The Guardian over the past few weeks. These morons would have you believe that the proposed system is equivalent to that of Communist China, which is like comparing my 89-year-old grandmother to 50 Cent. Mind you, the proposed system was likely the stupidest version of Proportional Representation I have ever seen, but the fact remains that somewhere along the line we are going to need electoral change here on PEI. For example, while the rest of the country is going nuts about the Sponsorship Scandal, freaking out that the Liberals gave money and jobs to their friends, Islanders are sitting around thinking: “Yeah...on PEI, that’s called good politics.” Still, some argue that Political Patronage is a thing of the past here on the Island. Oh sure. And if you believe that I have a Little Christo’s Factory and some Polar Food stock to sell you. I’m sure it’s not coincidence that after Catherine Callbeck won a landslide in 1993 that my road was paved for the first time since 1961, nor is it by mere happenstance that every damn mailbox on our road has been blown to shit by Conservative plow operators since Binns took over in ‘96. Binnsy, by the way, has decided to stick around to run in the next Provincial election. Well good. I was wondering who was going to continue funding ridiculous business ventures and driving our economy into the ground. Ahwell. In the era of the quasi-democratic 60%+1, you get what you ask for. Or at least what Binns tells you to ask for.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#32)
Well, good old Air Canada has decided to discontinue serving complimentary snacks on their flights. Fine! Keep your damn sesame snacks. It’s not enough that we have to pay $200 to get off this damn island on those Dash 8 Puddle Jumpers, (which, by the way, are not the best plane to fly, take-off, or land in, during rain, wind, snow, or basically in any flight that the plane has to actually leave the ground) but now I get to starve in-flight too. This whole flying experience pisses me off. It doesn’t make it any better that flight attendants talk to me as if I was a 3 year old with ADD and smiles, while her eyes suggest that they would much rather stab me with a fork than get me another water. And when flights are over, no one ever seems to be in any kind of rush to get off the damn plane. Suddenly seemingly simple tasks, such as picking up a briefcase and walking, take the average air traveler upwards of 4 and a half months. (The wait was so long on a recent flight that a friend and I took the time to compose an entire song entitled “Pick up your shit, and get off the plane.”) Of course, I guess it’s not only Air Canada that has recently “sucked ass” in its customer service. CanJet, in addition to allowing 3.4 square inches for legroom, also provides perhaps the most unprofessional flight crews in the industry and aircraft that are about as comfortable as a refurbished Soviet bomber.
The al-Qaeda came out last week to justify bombings last summer (which is stupid to try to justify to your average mentally sane person in the first place) by telling the world that one of the most severe enemies of Islam is, you guessed it, Queen Elizabeth II. Yes, Osama has apparently fingered Queen Elizabeth as one of the “severest enemies of Islam.” Yep. An 80 year old woman is a “severe threat” to the entire Islamic community. I think I speak for everyone when I say: “You are out of your mind.” What the hell has she done to Islam? I’m pretty sure all she does is drive around and wave at people. The Queen is about as much of a threat to Islam as Lamb Chops is. And she’s dead.
Yay! Ricky Martin is back! Wonderful. Does anyone else give a crap? I thought we were done of this nonsense. And the ridiculously obnoxious pop/dance is really improved by the incredibly imaginative lyrics of this genius: “Shake your bon-bon, Shake your bon-bon, Shake your bon-bon, Up in the Himalayas, C’mon I wanna lay ya.” The complex videos with that moronic hack Enrique macking it up with famous teenage girls are pretty classy too. “You can run, you can hide but you can't escape my love”? Stalker much? Real healthy there freakshow. Frig off.
Canadians came out and celebrated Remembrance Day this past week in honour of veterans who have fought for our country in conflicts around the world. I am always touched by the thunderous applause for the increasingly aging and increasing small number of veterans as they march through Charlottetown. Sadly, this year also marked the first time that there were no World War I veterans at Ottawa’s Remembrance Day ceremonies. Not only is this a shocking reality check to see that the young men who fought and won at Vimy and Passchendaele and the Somme are all but gone, but it is also a compelling reminder of why it is important for us to remember those heroes who gave much of themselves for us.
Apparently, however, some people are dumbasses about the whole Remembrance Day thing. Myron’s, as a shining example for ethical businesses everywhere, deemed it tasteful to erect a display in their window complete with GI Joe action figures in US Marines combat gear and with Desert Storm camo. One of the figures was in police riot gear. What the hell is he supposed to represent? The Souris Wharf conflict? I’m sorry, I know people think that it’s the thought that counts and all that crap, but I take the remembrance of fallen Canadians very seriously, and I don’t think it is something to be taken lightly or to make fun of. Veterans didn’t fight and die for their contribution to our country to be trivialized and no one has the right to disrespect their honour.
Lest we forget.
Have a good one!
The al-Qaeda came out last week to justify bombings last summer (which is stupid to try to justify to your average mentally sane person in the first place) by telling the world that one of the most severe enemies of Islam is, you guessed it, Queen Elizabeth II. Yes, Osama has apparently fingered Queen Elizabeth as one of the “severest enemies of Islam.” Yep. An 80 year old woman is a “severe threat” to the entire Islamic community. I think I speak for everyone when I say: “You are out of your mind.” What the hell has she done to Islam? I’m pretty sure all she does is drive around and wave at people. The Queen is about as much of a threat to Islam as Lamb Chops is. And she’s dead.
Yay! Ricky Martin is back! Wonderful. Does anyone else give a crap? I thought we were done of this nonsense. And the ridiculously obnoxious pop/dance is really improved by the incredibly imaginative lyrics of this genius: “Shake your bon-bon, Shake your bon-bon, Shake your bon-bon, Up in the Himalayas, C’mon I wanna lay ya.” The complex videos with that moronic hack Enrique macking it up with famous teenage girls are pretty classy too. “You can run, you can hide but you can't escape my love”? Stalker much? Real healthy there freakshow. Frig off.
Canadians came out and celebrated Remembrance Day this past week in honour of veterans who have fought for our country in conflicts around the world. I am always touched by the thunderous applause for the increasingly aging and increasing small number of veterans as they march through Charlottetown. Sadly, this year also marked the first time that there were no World War I veterans at Ottawa’s Remembrance Day ceremonies. Not only is this a shocking reality check to see that the young men who fought and won at Vimy and Passchendaele and the Somme are all but gone, but it is also a compelling reminder of why it is important for us to remember those heroes who gave much of themselves for us.
Apparently, however, some people are dumbasses about the whole Remembrance Day thing. Myron’s, as a shining example for ethical businesses everywhere, deemed it tasteful to erect a display in their window complete with GI Joe action figures in US Marines combat gear and with Desert Storm camo. One of the figures was in police riot gear. What the hell is he supposed to represent? The Souris Wharf conflict? I’m sorry, I know people think that it’s the thought that counts and all that crap, but I take the remembrance of fallen Canadians very seriously, and I don’t think it is something to be taken lightly or to make fun of. Veterans didn’t fight and die for their contribution to our country to be trivialized and no one has the right to disrespect their honour.
Lest we forget.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#31)
Well, it’s that time of the school year again, when midterms finish and finals appear as an impending, yet distant nightmare, and students turn from their studies to what they do best: drinking and making idiots of themselves. There is no better example of this than the behavior at last Friday’s Halloween Pub at The Wave. Among the sell-out crowd was Carlton Banks of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Body Break’s Hal Johnson and JoAnne McLeod, a disproportionate number of bumblebees and bowling pins, and at least two Shaun Coadys. Other than the Ron Burgundy wannabe who I saw throwing up quite violently, fun was had by all. I think the festive mood was best described by one student who, in the crowd, cheerily told Sponge Bob Square Pants “If you push me one more time I am going to smash in your face.” Nice.
The Guardian conducted a Web Poll last week asking Islanders if they thought a roundabout traffic circle or a ‘T’ intersection with traffic lights should be constructed at the Peter Pan intersection. Come on now. Installing a traffic circle anywhere in Charlottetown is like jumping off Robertson Library into snow banks, fun to watch, but also very very stupid. A traffic circle would cause many accidents, and within half a week would end up killing, by my estimates, everyone on PEI. You see, conducting a motor vehicle on a traffic circle requires that the driver a) has at least marginal motor vehicle operating capabilities, b) can merge with traffic, and c) uses a signal light, all of which Islanders have consistently indicated they are grossly incapable of. Having said that I’m sure everyone is just tickled pink with the idea of installing a tenth set of lights on University Avenue, but thankfully, a compelling solution dealing with this very problem was brought up in The Guardian just a few weeks ago. Some genius wrote in to tell Islanders that we should try to save energy by removing a bunch of stop signs from intersections around Charlottetown. That’s awesome! This is easily the smartest thing I have heard in years. We just rip up some stop signs and maybe some traffic lights downtown and suddenly no one has to stop anymore. I’m not exactly clear on how removing traffic controls is supposed to save energy, but who cares?
Gilles Duceppe of the Bloc Québéçois told the world last week that he thinks Québec should have its own army and spy service if it separates from Canada. “Do we need nuclear submarines? We say no. Maybe multifunctional boats to transport troops.” Multifunctional boats? Whoa. Critics agree that this proposed Québec military already sounds better than Canada’s current force. Duceppe continued to say that the Québec Army would be able to take over existing Canadian Forces bases. Hold the phone there Gilles. So, you’ll secede completely from Canada and be totally autonomous, except you want to still use the Canadian Dollar, Canadian Passports, and use our old Army Bases? Uh, can’t see it. If you leave, you’re gone. You don’t get our money or passports or NAFTA or our old Sea Kings. OK, maybe you can have the Sea Kings. A Québec Spy Service though? I can’t see that being all that successful. In my experience with Québec tourists they do not integrate all that well with local populations. Sure, many of them can speak impeccable English, and I’m sure spies could be trained to adopt local customs, but there’s something about the way they look at non-Quebeckers as if we bathe in our own feces that would blow their cover. Although Duceppe argued that a Québec Army would have no trouble recruiting, I again would have to disagree. Québec has lost every major war it has ever fought in, and ever since has bitched about joining with Canada in any international conflict, World War I, World War II, etc. It is worth noting that the Québecois are descendants of the French, and as was once said about their ancestors, “Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion,” is much the same for them. Check you stats Duceppe. I’ll bet your sovereigntists would be much happier sitting at home smoking cigarettes and complaining about Canada than running around spying on their cultural inferiors.
And finally the Notorious BIG released a song last week with some of his best rapper buddies and apparently is not at all discouraged by the fact that he still dead.
Have a good one!
The Guardian conducted a Web Poll last week asking Islanders if they thought a roundabout traffic circle or a ‘T’ intersection with traffic lights should be constructed at the Peter Pan intersection. Come on now. Installing a traffic circle anywhere in Charlottetown is like jumping off Robertson Library into snow banks, fun to watch, but also very very stupid. A traffic circle would cause many accidents, and within half a week would end up killing, by my estimates, everyone on PEI. You see, conducting a motor vehicle on a traffic circle requires that the driver a) has at least marginal motor vehicle operating capabilities, b) can merge with traffic, and c) uses a signal light, all of which Islanders have consistently indicated they are grossly incapable of. Having said that I’m sure everyone is just tickled pink with the idea of installing a tenth set of lights on University Avenue, but thankfully, a compelling solution dealing with this very problem was brought up in The Guardian just a few weeks ago. Some genius wrote in to tell Islanders that we should try to save energy by removing a bunch of stop signs from intersections around Charlottetown. That’s awesome! This is easily the smartest thing I have heard in years. We just rip up some stop signs and maybe some traffic lights downtown and suddenly no one has to stop anymore. I’m not exactly clear on how removing traffic controls is supposed to save energy, but who cares?
Gilles Duceppe of the Bloc Québéçois told the world last week that he thinks Québec should have its own army and spy service if it separates from Canada. “Do we need nuclear submarines? We say no. Maybe multifunctional boats to transport troops.” Multifunctional boats? Whoa. Critics agree that this proposed Québec military already sounds better than Canada’s current force. Duceppe continued to say that the Québec Army would be able to take over existing Canadian Forces bases. Hold the phone there Gilles. So, you’ll secede completely from Canada and be totally autonomous, except you want to still use the Canadian Dollar, Canadian Passports, and use our old Army Bases? Uh, can’t see it. If you leave, you’re gone. You don’t get our money or passports or NAFTA or our old Sea Kings. OK, maybe you can have the Sea Kings. A Québec Spy Service though? I can’t see that being all that successful. In my experience with Québec tourists they do not integrate all that well with local populations. Sure, many of them can speak impeccable English, and I’m sure spies could be trained to adopt local customs, but there’s something about the way they look at non-Quebeckers as if we bathe in our own feces that would blow their cover. Although Duceppe argued that a Québec Army would have no trouble recruiting, I again would have to disagree. Québec has lost every major war it has ever fought in, and ever since has bitched about joining with Canada in any international conflict, World War I, World War II, etc. It is worth noting that the Québecois are descendants of the French, and as was once said about their ancestors, “Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion,” is much the same for them. Check you stats Duceppe. I’ll bet your sovereigntists would be much happier sitting at home smoking cigarettes and complaining about Canada than running around spying on their cultural inferiors.
And finally the Notorious BIG released a song last week with some of his best rapper buddies and apparently is not at all discouraged by the fact that he still dead.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#30)
Myron’s has certainly learned its lesson and has classed up the joint after being put out of business for six months this year. Not only has it performed the business-savvy maneuver of re-hiring the managers that took the whole place under to begin with, but it has also reverted to more tasteful entertainment, such as the Mr. Naturally Hard Body Pageant that will be going on over the next few weeks. Mr. Naturally Hard Body. Oh wow. Sounds like yet another reason to frequent the pristine sanitary premises of Moron’s. Now 17 year olds will become increasingly torn between feeding their heroine addictions at the Velvet or dancing the night away at the infamous Foam Parties at Myron’s, which in my opinion must be at least one of the top ten ways to catch the Chinese Chicken Flu.
Sylvester Stallone has heeded the calls of his tens of fans and has announced his intention to make another Rocky movie. Well thank god. That plotline has certainly not been beaten to death yet. The 59-year-old actor will once again return as Rocky Balboa, this time as a boxer reluctant to return to the ring. Well no kidding. When you’re pushing 60 you can only take so many cracks to the face before you’re laid-up in a hospital like one of the Lindros brothers. Stallone has said that Rocky will reluctantly return to the ring not to win, but only to compete. Well, what a great message for today’s geriatrics. “You can try all you want, but you sure as hell can’t win.” Good one Stallone. Idiot.
Here’s another brainwave from the wonderful City of Summerside. (Actual slogan: “Garden of the Gulf,” which wouldn’t be that bad of a slogan, except for the fact that the Gulf of St. Lawrence happens to be on PEI’s North Shore. “Hey morons! Other side!”). Yes, all-around genius and general pain in the ass Mayor Basil Stewart suggested last weekend during a meeting of Atlantic Mayors that we make a bid for the 2016 Olympics. Splendid. I wonder why no one has thought up this little jewel of ingenuity before. After a quick look at other potential bids I would have to say our major competitors would be Tokyo, New York, or New Delhi, not only because they actually have a hope in hell of actually effectively running Olympic-sized events and of being able to construct facilities and host a couple million people, but probably also because the combined population of these three cities is roughly 23,000 times that of Summerside.
But you know, when you’ve been mayor of a city like Summerside for 20-odd years, maybe you know a bit more about our region that some smart ass University student like me, so let’s consider his proposal for a minute. I mean Summerside already has a stellar ad campaign going that they could present to the IOC: “…downtown Summerside, bring the family, downtown Summerside, we need University…” and so on. Of course, if we did, by chance, win the Games of the XXXI Olympiad, Charlottetown could help out a lot by driving people around in our fleet of trolley busses. In fact, if the new residence is done by then we could probably even host some athletes right here on campus! We could hold darts and competitive shuffleboard events at the Legion, run track and field down at the CDP. Hell, we could even drag some benches up from the Soccer Field and let them use our existing beach volleyball facility. Plus I’m pretty sure the Engineering Department has a Ping Pong table we could probably borrow.
Now to raise the 10 or 12 billion we’d need to put on the Olympics: we’d likely have to organize a golf tournament or two and so we’d have to get the support of all PEI’s celebrities; Lori Kane, Brad Richards, Paul and Anne, Lucille Poulin, that lady who does that cooking show on Channel 10. If we’re really lucky, maybe we can get Steroid Ben to come race against a stock car again. And I’m sure those geniuses at Meteor Creek could probably throw together some kind of propane Olympic torch.
So I guess you were right Basil, we definitely could hold the Olympics, and you are definitely not the stupidest person I know. Now maybe if you and your city could get half a clue you could figure out that no one likes your stupid Lobster Carnival, and that we have about as much chance of bringing the Olympics to Atlantic Canada as you do in getting a University of Summerside. ZING!
Have a good one!
Sylvester Stallone has heeded the calls of his tens of fans and has announced his intention to make another Rocky movie. Well thank god. That plotline has certainly not been beaten to death yet. The 59-year-old actor will once again return as Rocky Balboa, this time as a boxer reluctant to return to the ring. Well no kidding. When you’re pushing 60 you can only take so many cracks to the face before you’re laid-up in a hospital like one of the Lindros brothers. Stallone has said that Rocky will reluctantly return to the ring not to win, but only to compete. Well, what a great message for today’s geriatrics. “You can try all you want, but you sure as hell can’t win.” Good one Stallone. Idiot.
Here’s another brainwave from the wonderful City of Summerside. (Actual slogan: “Garden of the Gulf,” which wouldn’t be that bad of a slogan, except for the fact that the Gulf of St. Lawrence happens to be on PEI’s North Shore. “Hey morons! Other side!”). Yes, all-around genius and general pain in the ass Mayor Basil Stewart suggested last weekend during a meeting of Atlantic Mayors that we make a bid for the 2016 Olympics. Splendid. I wonder why no one has thought up this little jewel of ingenuity before. After a quick look at other potential bids I would have to say our major competitors would be Tokyo, New York, or New Delhi, not only because they actually have a hope in hell of actually effectively running Olympic-sized events and of being able to construct facilities and host a couple million people, but probably also because the combined population of these three cities is roughly 23,000 times that of Summerside.
But you know, when you’ve been mayor of a city like Summerside for 20-odd years, maybe you know a bit more about our region that some smart ass University student like me, so let’s consider his proposal for a minute. I mean Summerside already has a stellar ad campaign going that they could present to the IOC: “…downtown Summerside, bring the family, downtown Summerside, we need University…” and so on. Of course, if we did, by chance, win the Games of the XXXI Olympiad, Charlottetown could help out a lot by driving people around in our fleet of trolley busses. In fact, if the new residence is done by then we could probably even host some athletes right here on campus! We could hold darts and competitive shuffleboard events at the Legion, run track and field down at the CDP. Hell, we could even drag some benches up from the Soccer Field and let them use our existing beach volleyball facility. Plus I’m pretty sure the Engineering Department has a Ping Pong table we could probably borrow.
Now to raise the 10 or 12 billion we’d need to put on the Olympics: we’d likely have to organize a golf tournament or two and so we’d have to get the support of all PEI’s celebrities; Lori Kane, Brad Richards, Paul and Anne, Lucille Poulin, that lady who does that cooking show on Channel 10. If we’re really lucky, maybe we can get Steroid Ben to come race against a stock car again. And I’m sure those geniuses at Meteor Creek could probably throw together some kind of propane Olympic torch.
So I guess you were right Basil, we definitely could hold the Olympics, and you are definitely not the stupidest person I know. Now maybe if you and your city could get half a clue you could figure out that no one likes your stupid Lobster Carnival, and that we have about as much chance of bringing the Olympics to Atlantic Canada as you do in getting a University of Summerside. ZING!
Have a good one!
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#29)
Do the Pussycat Dolls not piss anyone else off? “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me? Don’t cha? Don’t cha?” Uh, no. Not really. Shut up. That’s actually quite disturbing. And gifted lyricist 50 Cent is once again back on the charts with the remix of ‘Outta Control’ with Mobb Deep (From the poetically entitled album “The Massacre”). Mr. Cent discusses in this song his difficulties with alcohol and vice (“…drink till the burn is gone, hit the dancefloor like a scene from soft porn…”) and shows how tough he is by threatening violence and displaying his fearlessness (…I'm known for Gat poppin’, when I got problems, I don't run, I just gun you all up…”), but at the end of the day, he emphasizes his belief in strong parental and family values (“…But we ain't come here to start no drama, we just lookin’ for our future baby mamas…”) Wonderful. Who the hell is this guy? I mean, I’m sorry, but I still do not understand how someone lacking core essentials, such as the ability to communicate in a spoken language or to string together words to form complete, coherent sentences, can somehow be recognized as a great rapper. I mean listen to k-os or Kanye or Kyprios or even Will Smith for god’s sake, and you can at least piece together the point they’re trying to convey. 50 Cent seems intent on focusing on three key issues 1. Gettin’ hoes up in da club, 2. Living in da hood, and 3. Shooting bruthas, doing drugs, and just being a general asshole. Not since Vanilla Ice (“…quick to the point to the point no faking, I'm cooking MC's like a pound of bacon…”) have posers pulled off an attempt at rap, or at art in general, so badly. Well I be hatin’ 50 Cent, that shit is whack. In da club. Word.
Ah yes, Week 6 at UPEI. You can see the desperation on the faces of every student you pass in the hallway. Oh sure, everyone still smiles at each other and greets them with the generic “What’s up?” (Usually the greeter does not give a damn what’s up and just has nothing better to say.) But if you look into our eyes you can tell that each and every one of us is quite literally well on our way to clinical insanity, if not there already. First years, who were only weeks ago blissfully ignorant and aimlessly wandering around campus without a care in the world have now caught a glimpse of what it is to be a University student, and as mid-terms approach, are scared shitless. They now run from class to class eyes wide open in fear, hair unkempt, and papers flying everywhere. Second and third years, who by now accustomed to their collective impending doom are either burrowed away in some yellow cubicle, studying obsessively, or are sitting around laughing it up with friends, knowing all the while that they should be studying, or, at the very least, researching for that 20 page paper due at 4:00. Fourth year students march across campus with a certain purpose, as if they are very important people and are headed to do something very important, like address the United Nations or assassinate Osama bin Laden or something. But they too meet those they pass with an uneasy half smile and a vacant look on their face that tells you that inside they are shitting their proverbial pants. They are haunted by the notion that this year really matters, that every waking moment should be spent studying, that these upcoming exams will determine whether they will get into med school or law school or in a corner office somewhere or if they will end up a hopeless loser or a bum on the street, or even worse, like Paul Allen or something. Of course when we find ourselves freaking about school this much, we should all remember that the life of a University student is not all that bad, that soon we will be paying mortgages and sitting in some office or cubicle 8 hours a day and going to parent-teacher interviews and driving mini-vans and drinking Diet Pepsi. Life is full of tests and challenges and all that nonsense, so try not to freak out too much about that next paper or lab or mid-term. It will all be ok. Of course Science students are by now thinking “Ryan, you are the stupidest person I know. If I do not pass my exam I will die.” Well maybe you should stop wasting your time reading the damn Cadre then. Moron.
Have a good one!
Ah yes, Week 6 at UPEI. You can see the desperation on the faces of every student you pass in the hallway. Oh sure, everyone still smiles at each other and greets them with the generic “What’s up?” (Usually the greeter does not give a damn what’s up and just has nothing better to say.) But if you look into our eyes you can tell that each and every one of us is quite literally well on our way to clinical insanity, if not there already. First years, who were only weeks ago blissfully ignorant and aimlessly wandering around campus without a care in the world have now caught a glimpse of what it is to be a University student, and as mid-terms approach, are scared shitless. They now run from class to class eyes wide open in fear, hair unkempt, and papers flying everywhere. Second and third years, who by now accustomed to their collective impending doom are either burrowed away in some yellow cubicle, studying obsessively, or are sitting around laughing it up with friends, knowing all the while that they should be studying, or, at the very least, researching for that 20 page paper due at 4:00. Fourth year students march across campus with a certain purpose, as if they are very important people and are headed to do something very important, like address the United Nations or assassinate Osama bin Laden or something. But they too meet those they pass with an uneasy half smile and a vacant look on their face that tells you that inside they are shitting their proverbial pants. They are haunted by the notion that this year really matters, that every waking moment should be spent studying, that these upcoming exams will determine whether they will get into med school or law school or in a corner office somewhere or if they will end up a hopeless loser or a bum on the street, or even worse, like Paul Allen or something. Of course when we find ourselves freaking about school this much, we should all remember that the life of a University student is not all that bad, that soon we will be paying mortgages and sitting in some office or cubicle 8 hours a day and going to parent-teacher interviews and driving mini-vans and drinking Diet Pepsi. Life is full of tests and challenges and all that nonsense, so try not to freak out too much about that next paper or lab or mid-term. It will all be ok. Of course Science students are by now thinking “Ryan, you are the stupidest person I know. If I do not pass my exam I will die.” Well maybe you should stop wasting your time reading the damn Cadre then. Moron.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#28)
An era came to an end on September 25th when Subway Restaurants finished phasing out their stamp coupons. Now, instead of stamps, in return for enduring the long line, paying for obscenely expensive subs and reeking of Subway for the rest of the day you get...nothing. No free cookies on Friday, no super value meal on Wednesday. Personally, I’ve been pissed at Subway since they switched from Pepsi to Coke, but really, this is ridiculous. Eat Fresh? Kiss my ass Jared.
Relief came on international front last week as Canada and Denmark agreed to sit down and talk about who possesses sovereignty over Hans Island in the Arctic. Tempers had been rising in both countries since Canada’s Defence Minister Bill Graham landed on the disputed island in July with Canadian Forces troops to plant a Canadian flag. In retaliation the Danes sent a warship to sail around the island for awhile and to erect a Danish flag on the island. “We put one up before but it blew down.” was their reasoning. World leaders were shocked and the US Military reportedly went to DEFCON 5 when they heard that the great military powers of Canada and Denmark were having a dispute, especially after hearing that at least two Canadian submarines were almost operational. “Thank God that’s over.” Was reportedly the reaction of Saddam Hussein from his jail cell upon hearing the news. Hans Island, by the way, is 1.3 square kilometres and is entirely uninhabited. Oh yeah. And the North Koreans are giving up their nuclear weapons program. Riiight.
Elections were held for the German Bundestag last Sunday, and no one seems to know who won. Both leading parties were considerably shy of the 307 needed for a majority. Negotiations have been on-going with other parties in attempts of establishing some sort of governing coalition, but the two major party leaders have going postal on each other all week, everyone refuses to even talk to the Left Party (successor of the old East German Communists), and one of the coalitions has been dubbed “The Jamaican Coalition.” Oh those crazy Germans. They’re not that good at this democracy stuff. Or at taking over the world.
Residents of Newark, New Jersey became mildly concerned last week when it was reported that three mice infected with the Bubonic Plague had gone missing from a University of Medicine and Dentistry laboratory, prompting University Officials to spring into action and do...absolutely nothing. According to them the mice posed a “scant” threat to the general public and besides, since they had already been missing for about two weeks, they were “probably already dead anyway.” Now, I have a great respect for the research community, don’t get me wrong. But in my opinion, it’s pretty stupid to handle test subjects so haphazardly that they go missing for two weeks without you noticing, especially when these subjects happen to be infected with the BUBONIC PLAGUE. Yeah, it only killed like 137 million people back in the day. No worries. Morons.
Speaking of incompetence, the Charlottetown Police asked the public to be on the lookout last week after a 12-gauge camouflaged shotgun went missing from the gun cabinet at the Charlottetown Canadian Tire. When? “Oh, sometime between the 10th and the 19th.” (Apparently Canadian Tire does not have the best shoplifting detection system). According to a report in the always non-biased and über-professional Guardian, there are only two people in the entire store that had access to the cabinet. Do you think these two people should be possible suspects? Of course not. “I think they just noticed it was missing.” Constable Gary Clow was quoted as saying. Hey went on to ask the public to keep an eye out for the gun. Thanks Gary. And sure, I’ll get right out there on the street tonight and do you job for you. Jerks.
Have a good one!
Relief came on international front last week as Canada and Denmark agreed to sit down and talk about who possesses sovereignty over Hans Island in the Arctic. Tempers had been rising in both countries since Canada’s Defence Minister Bill Graham landed on the disputed island in July with Canadian Forces troops to plant a Canadian flag. In retaliation the Danes sent a warship to sail around the island for awhile and to erect a Danish flag on the island. “We put one up before but it blew down.” was their reasoning. World leaders were shocked and the US Military reportedly went to DEFCON 5 when they heard that the great military powers of Canada and Denmark were having a dispute, especially after hearing that at least two Canadian submarines were almost operational. “Thank God that’s over.” Was reportedly the reaction of Saddam Hussein from his jail cell upon hearing the news. Hans Island, by the way, is 1.3 square kilometres and is entirely uninhabited. Oh yeah. And the North Koreans are giving up their nuclear weapons program. Riiight.
Elections were held for the German Bundestag last Sunday, and no one seems to know who won. Both leading parties were considerably shy of the 307 needed for a majority. Negotiations have been on-going with other parties in attempts of establishing some sort of governing coalition, but the two major party leaders have going postal on each other all week, everyone refuses to even talk to the Left Party (successor of the old East German Communists), and one of the coalitions has been dubbed “The Jamaican Coalition.” Oh those crazy Germans. They’re not that good at this democracy stuff. Or at taking over the world.
Residents of Newark, New Jersey became mildly concerned last week when it was reported that three mice infected with the Bubonic Plague had gone missing from a University of Medicine and Dentistry laboratory, prompting University Officials to spring into action and do...absolutely nothing. According to them the mice posed a “scant” threat to the general public and besides, since they had already been missing for about two weeks, they were “probably already dead anyway.” Now, I have a great respect for the research community, don’t get me wrong. But in my opinion, it’s pretty stupid to handle test subjects so haphazardly that they go missing for two weeks without you noticing, especially when these subjects happen to be infected with the BUBONIC PLAGUE. Yeah, it only killed like 137 million people back in the day. No worries. Morons.
Speaking of incompetence, the Charlottetown Police asked the public to be on the lookout last week after a 12-gauge camouflaged shotgun went missing from the gun cabinet at the Charlottetown Canadian Tire. When? “Oh, sometime between the 10th and the 19th.” (Apparently Canadian Tire does not have the best shoplifting detection system). According to a report in the always non-biased and über-professional Guardian, there are only two people in the entire store that had access to the cabinet. Do you think these two people should be possible suspects? Of course not. “I think they just noticed it was missing.” Constable Gary Clow was quoted as saying. Hey went on to ask the public to keep an eye out for the gun. Thanks Gary. And sure, I’ll get right out there on the street tonight and do you job for you. Jerks.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#27)
Yes, its that time of year again. Time for tuition fees, student fees, sports fees, parking fees, admin fees, and residence fees. Time for new roommates, new friends, new classes, new profs and new things to piss you off. Time for togas and 2-4s and a good drink-on to forget about all the money and time that you don’t have. And of course, time for reading my column in The Cadre and then sending me e-mails about how much you hate me and my stupid opinions.
Well the geniuses in the email protest community have done it again. September 1st was deemed as "Stick it to Them" Day, which was, as I was told in about 3,086 e-mails, aimed at getting everyone to stop buying gas for a day, the theory being that if no one bought gas for an entire day, the big oil companies would freak out, collapse under pressure, and be forced to drop oil prices. Despite the fact that this scheme is fundamentally flawed, substantially delusional and that the people who conceived it are evidently complete idiots, the protest went off without a hitch. That is of course except the small fact that gas prices went up 36 cents that day. Wow, what awesome power those fearless email vigilantes wield. Morons.
It seems the NHL and the NHLPA finally got their asses in gear, signing a CBA after their bickering led to the cancellation of the 2004-05 NHL Season. Following the ratification of the agreement, teams around the NHL scrambled to sign new players from the massive pool of unrestricted free agents. Pittsburgh signed John LeClair, Mario Lemieux, Zigmund Palffy, Sidney Crosby and Sergei Gonchar, Edmonton signed Mike Peca and Chris Pronger, and Atlanta signed Bobby Holik, Marian Hossa and Greg de Vries. Meanwhile, continuing in their tradition of being very well-intentioned, yet also very stupid, the Toronto Maple Leafs signed Eric "Concussion" Lindros, who is about a headache and a half away from eating through a straw and Aki "The Pylon" Berg. Oh wait, this just in. Toronto has just signed Mariusz Czerkawski. Great. Whoever the hell that is.
On a brighter note, another one of our Canadian teams has had considerable success with signings in the off-season. The Ottawa Senators, have been able to sign Dany Heatley, the young phenom from Atlanta and have replaced Patrick "The Choker" Lalime with Dominik "The Dominator" Hasek, the only drawback of this, being, of course, that everyone hates the Ottawa Senators.
An era ended last week as Rainbow Valley closed its doors forever. There was extensive uproar from the public about turning the forty-acre park into nature trails for the National Park, but for me the closure is a more positive move. I was always kind of weirded out by The Witch’s Cave and the whiplash-inducing Bushwacker. And what the hell was up with that weird-looking robot fisherman from the "Dark Ride"? (Original name by the way). I will, however, miss harassing Mrs. Owl and asking why she already had a baby at the age of 14, or being yelled at by Rainbow Valley staff telling us we’re not supposed to get of the boats and walk around on the islands in the pond. Oh the joys of being a delinquent pubescent boy let loose at Rainbow Valley.
So, once again, welcome back to another (or perhaps first) year at the U of PEI. A particular welcome back to the worst-maintained, yet most-spirited building on campus. Yes, Marion Hall, who we had all thought had seen its last days as a residence, has proved us all wrong, and, back from the dead, will carry on the tradition of holding some of the loudest and most random parties this side of Tignish.
And so, as the year goes on, remember to work hard, and to have fun; to embrace the good times, learn from the bad, and whenever possible, to raise a glass in celebration of another semester in the company of friends.
Have a good one!
Well the geniuses in the email protest community have done it again. September 1st was deemed as "Stick it to Them" Day, which was, as I was told in about 3,086 e-mails, aimed at getting everyone to stop buying gas for a day, the theory being that if no one bought gas for an entire day, the big oil companies would freak out, collapse under pressure, and be forced to drop oil prices. Despite the fact that this scheme is fundamentally flawed, substantially delusional and that the people who conceived it are evidently complete idiots, the protest went off without a hitch. That is of course except the small fact that gas prices went up 36 cents that day. Wow, what awesome power those fearless email vigilantes wield. Morons.
It seems the NHL and the NHLPA finally got their asses in gear, signing a CBA after their bickering led to the cancellation of the 2004-05 NHL Season. Following the ratification of the agreement, teams around the NHL scrambled to sign new players from the massive pool of unrestricted free agents. Pittsburgh signed John LeClair, Mario Lemieux, Zigmund Palffy, Sidney Crosby and Sergei Gonchar, Edmonton signed Mike Peca and Chris Pronger, and Atlanta signed Bobby Holik, Marian Hossa and Greg de Vries. Meanwhile, continuing in their tradition of being very well-intentioned, yet also very stupid, the Toronto Maple Leafs signed Eric "Concussion" Lindros, who is about a headache and a half away from eating through a straw and Aki "The Pylon" Berg. Oh wait, this just in. Toronto has just signed Mariusz Czerkawski. Great. Whoever the hell that is.
On a brighter note, another one of our Canadian teams has had considerable success with signings in the off-season. The Ottawa Senators, have been able to sign Dany Heatley, the young phenom from Atlanta and have replaced Patrick "The Choker" Lalime with Dominik "The Dominator" Hasek, the only drawback of this, being, of course, that everyone hates the Ottawa Senators.
An era ended last week as Rainbow Valley closed its doors forever. There was extensive uproar from the public about turning the forty-acre park into nature trails for the National Park, but for me the closure is a more positive move. I was always kind of weirded out by The Witch’s Cave and the whiplash-inducing Bushwacker. And what the hell was up with that weird-looking robot fisherman from the "Dark Ride"? (Original name by the way). I will, however, miss harassing Mrs. Owl and asking why she already had a baby at the age of 14, or being yelled at by Rainbow Valley staff telling us we’re not supposed to get of the boats and walk around on the islands in the pond. Oh the joys of being a delinquent pubescent boy let loose at Rainbow Valley.
So, once again, welcome back to another (or perhaps first) year at the U of PEI. A particular welcome back to the worst-maintained, yet most-spirited building on campus. Yes, Marion Hall, who we had all thought had seen its last days as a residence, has proved us all wrong, and, back from the dead, will carry on the tradition of holding some of the loudest and most random parties this side of Tignish.
And so, as the year goes on, remember to work hard, and to have fun; to embrace the good times, learn from the bad, and whenever possible, to raise a glass in celebration of another semester in the company of friends.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
...And now for something completely different: What I Learned This Year at University (#26)
Well, this is it. The last Cadre of the 2004-05 school year. For some of you this will be an emotional moment as you ponder this, your final year here at UPEI and how it has compared to your first 4 (or 5. or 6. or 8.) years here. For others it will be an opportunity to look at the past year of challenges faced and victories won. Of highs and lows and in-betweens. For still others you will be thinking “Shut the hell up Ryan. I hate you.”
Point taken.
What I learned this year at UPEI:
- I learned this year that the sole duty of some workers in Kelley Building seems to be standing outside and smoking 7 out of 8 hours every day.
- That being incredibly stupid is an asset, especially if you happen to work for Magic 93.
- That climbing over buildings instead of walking around them, while a time-saver, is also probably not the best idea, and when drunk, is at least twice as hazardous.
- I learned through word-of-mouth that jumping through windows at the Legion is neither as enjoyable nor as rewarding as it may at first seem.
- I learned that Backstreet’s back and that puking is not restricted to the sick.
- That renovating a building can take longer than it does to build another one twice its size, and that the most important part of a renovation project is to ensure that noise and inconvenience always takes precedence over doing actual work.
- I learned that high school students are at least 10x stupider than when I was there. And they’re getting worse. I learned that I can come up with at least a dozen ways to stop them from throwing snowballs at restaurants. I learned that most of these were illegal.
- I learned that acting as a sledding ramp does not work and can be tremendously painful.
- That many students feel that getting to class on time is more important than crossing University Avenue at the crosswalk, like a sane individual.
- That only through ignorance do we hate. I hate the French language.
- I learned that as much as I often resented Moron’s when it was open, since it closed I now have a pain in my stomach telling me that something inside me has died. Either that or I have an ulcer.
- I learned this year that the UPEI Student Union is corrupt and full of power-hungry individuals who care about nothing more than screwing with the lives of all students. Either that or someone has an over-active imagination.
- I learned that raising awareness about pedestrian safety by pretending to get hit by a car and laying on University Avenue for half an hour and getting hauled off by an ambulance pisses people off.
- I learned that complaining about tuition, parking, George W. Bush, the weather, etc. pisses people off.
- I learned that using an ‘R’ with a little circle around it as a representation of your signature pisses people off.
- I learned that no matter how well-intentioned your actions, no matter how hard you try, someone somewhere will get pissed off at you for not doing enough. Or for doing too much.
- I learned that I no longer care.
- I learned that I can go to a class for 3 hours a week for 4 months and not learn a damn thing.
- That an all-nighter and some quality bullshit often yields the best papers. That hard work pays off later; sometimes, procrastination pays off now; always.
- That “It is better to do little well than a great deal badly.” (Socrates). While this may be true, I learned that I am much better at the latter.
- I learned that it won’t be the failed exams or that book you didn’t read or the 8:30 classes that we’ll remember, but rather, Trivia Wednesdays and Fajita Fridays. Those random friends you made on that Pub Crawl. Those idiot car-parkers they made fun of in The Cadre. The night class they cancelled because everyone was too drunk. That jerk that kept on shutting off the lights in the bathroom, the crush in your class, or the people that just made you smile, like that kid that jumped off the Library.
And so, with all we’ve learned, and as we leave our school for another year, perhaps this time forever, let us remember to embrace the good times, to learn from the bad, and whenever possible, to raise a glass in celebration of another year gone, another course earned, and another summer break in the company of friends.
Have a good one!
Point taken.
What I learned this year at UPEI:
- I learned this year that the sole duty of some workers in Kelley Building seems to be standing outside and smoking 7 out of 8 hours every day.
- That being incredibly stupid is an asset, especially if you happen to work for Magic 93.
- That climbing over buildings instead of walking around them, while a time-saver, is also probably not the best idea, and when drunk, is at least twice as hazardous.
- I learned through word-of-mouth that jumping through windows at the Legion is neither as enjoyable nor as rewarding as it may at first seem.
- I learned that Backstreet’s back and that puking is not restricted to the sick.
- That renovating a building can take longer than it does to build another one twice its size, and that the most important part of a renovation project is to ensure that noise and inconvenience always takes precedence over doing actual work.
- I learned that high school students are at least 10x stupider than when I was there. And they’re getting worse. I learned that I can come up with at least a dozen ways to stop them from throwing snowballs at restaurants. I learned that most of these were illegal.
- I learned that acting as a sledding ramp does not work and can be tremendously painful.
- That many students feel that getting to class on time is more important than crossing University Avenue at the crosswalk, like a sane individual.
- That only through ignorance do we hate. I hate the French language.
- I learned that as much as I often resented Moron’s when it was open, since it closed I now have a pain in my stomach telling me that something inside me has died. Either that or I have an ulcer.
- I learned this year that the UPEI Student Union is corrupt and full of power-hungry individuals who care about nothing more than screwing with the lives of all students. Either that or someone has an over-active imagination.
- I learned that raising awareness about pedestrian safety by pretending to get hit by a car and laying on University Avenue for half an hour and getting hauled off by an ambulance pisses people off.
- I learned that complaining about tuition, parking, George W. Bush, the weather, etc. pisses people off.
- I learned that using an ‘R’ with a little circle around it as a representation of your signature pisses people off.
- I learned that no matter how well-intentioned your actions, no matter how hard you try, someone somewhere will get pissed off at you for not doing enough. Or for doing too much.
- I learned that I no longer care.
- I learned that I can go to a class for 3 hours a week for 4 months and not learn a damn thing.
- That an all-nighter and some quality bullshit often yields the best papers. That hard work pays off later; sometimes, procrastination pays off now; always.
- That “It is better to do little well than a great deal badly.” (Socrates). While this may be true, I learned that I am much better at the latter.
- I learned that it won’t be the failed exams or that book you didn’t read or the 8:30 classes that we’ll remember, but rather, Trivia Wednesdays and Fajita Fridays. Those random friends you made on that Pub Crawl. Those idiot car-parkers they made fun of in The Cadre. The night class they cancelled because everyone was too drunk. That jerk that kept on shutting off the lights in the bathroom, the crush in your class, or the people that just made you smile, like that kid that jumped off the Library.
And so, with all we’ve learned, and as we leave our school for another year, perhaps this time forever, let us remember to embrace the good times, to learn from the bad, and whenever possible, to raise a glass in celebration of another year gone, another course earned, and another summer break in the company of friends.
Have a good one!
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
...And now for something completely different…The Rants of a University Student (#25)
Armed rebels seized control of President Askar Akayev’s Headquarters in Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan last week, raising international fear of instability in the region. As a university student concerned about such issues, let me be the first to say: “What the hell Kyrgyzstan?”
Spring has sprung here on PEI and us students are right into the books, finishing up term papers and studying for the infamous final exams. Right on cue, Daylight Savings Time will kick in next Sunday to take away an hour of sleep and to give us that extra little kick in the junk that us students need so badly at this time of year. And to help out all that much more, construction workers have jumped into high-gear, banging around metal on the roof of the Library and hurling large chunks of concrete from the top floor of Duffy, just as if they had saved their loudest projects especially for our exam studying time. Ok, sure, I know renovations have to be done on Duffy, especially given the asbestos and the leaks and all that, but do they really have to start dragging new trailers onto campus and making massive trenches of mud during our busiest and most important time of year? Seriously, you don’t want to start pissing off students that are short on sleep, deep in work and that have potent chemicals readily available.
A bus driver from Charlottetown Rural was suspended last week after refusing to drive a bus that he said was too full. Upon inspection by the Vice Principal, she decided that it was not too full, as there were only 56 students on a bus she said was designed to hold 72 students, so she suspended him. Ok, this is the first clue that she is, with all due respect, an idiot. Having spent around 4000 hours on school busses between Kindergarten and Grade 12, I’m pretty damn sure that there is no way in hell that 72 high school students, plus kit-bags, musical instruments, ghetto-blasters, etc. are going to fit in a 24-seat bus safely. Someone’s ass is gonna be on the floor. This policy of punishing bus drivers for being concerned about the safety of the bus they’re driving is a dumbass move. There is no way that some administrator, who obviously has no idea what the hell she’s talking about, should be telling an experienced driver to do something that could very well be unsafe, a driver, who by the way, they pay something like 50 bucks a day to be responsible for the lives of all the children on his bus.
Speaking of high school punks, the owners of the Noodle House came out last week saying that they are thinking of selling their business after mobs of students from area schools have started pummeling the side of their restaurant with snowballs. I was shocked, first of all, to hear that the Noodle House is not run by the Mafia, as I’ve been told for years, and secondly, that kids could be this stupid. I always wondered why we were never allowed to leave school grounds back in junior high, and now I realize it was because little pukes like these do stuff like that. Now, no offence to any of you who may have once graced the hallowed halls of Queen Charlotte or Colonel Gray, but you don’t see Souris punks pummeling the Blue Fin at lunch or kids out at Bluefield launching attacks on Bobby Clow’s. Snowballs are for throwing at the faces of friends and at girls that you have crushes on, not for terrorizing restaurants owned by immigrants. Honestly, get a life.
Well, my little heart was broken into a billion little pieces last week. Yeah, it’s true; Moron’s has closed its doors and no one seems to know when they’ll open again. Sure, many feel a great deal of angst towards the city bar, with its crap techno music and 50 Cent remixes and incredibly over-crowded dance floor. Having entered the premises about a month ago, I was confronted by one angry (and rather inebriated) such student who let me know how pissed off she was with the crowdedness, saying “I got a damn photo survey for your Cadre! How much does Myron’s suck!?!” And most of us would have to agree. We’ve all visited the less-than pristine bathrooms, seen the broken bottles, and experienced the occasional rough night and rougher morning that often accompany a trip to Moron’s. And we’ve all seen the fights. Hell, even I’ve been punched in the face a couple time, and I’m like the nicest guy in the history of ever. Perhaps the scariest thing I ever did was to try to survive a sober night at Myron’s while babysitting my ridiculously drunken friends. “No, no, leave her alo…no, put that down, that’s not yours…take that out of your mouth. Take it out. What the hell is she wearing? Frig it’s hot in here! And…oh my God what is that on the floor?”
Still though, I can’t help but thinking, if it weren’t for Moron’s, would there ever be the good old 2 a.m. Kent Street block parties? Where are we going to meet our long-lost buddies now if not in the line-up or on the stairs or in the bathrooms of Moron’s? Where are we going to get our pizza for pub-crawls? Where is everyone that’s back from school for Christmas or Thanksgiving going to meet up? We can’t just go straight to China Garden or Blossoms at 11:00 p.m. Velvet Underground? Sportspage? J.R.’s? Yeah, no thanks. Come on now. Love it or hate it, there’s a place in all of our hearts for Moron’s, a void that will not soon, or possibly ever be completely filled. Sigh. See you at the Wave!
Have a good one!
Spring has sprung here on PEI and us students are right into the books, finishing up term papers and studying for the infamous final exams. Right on cue, Daylight Savings Time will kick in next Sunday to take away an hour of sleep and to give us that extra little kick in the junk that us students need so badly at this time of year. And to help out all that much more, construction workers have jumped into high-gear, banging around metal on the roof of the Library and hurling large chunks of concrete from the top floor of Duffy, just as if they had saved their loudest projects especially for our exam studying time. Ok, sure, I know renovations have to be done on Duffy, especially given the asbestos and the leaks and all that, but do they really have to start dragging new trailers onto campus and making massive trenches of mud during our busiest and most important time of year? Seriously, you don’t want to start pissing off students that are short on sleep, deep in work and that have potent chemicals readily available.
A bus driver from Charlottetown Rural was suspended last week after refusing to drive a bus that he said was too full. Upon inspection by the Vice Principal, she decided that it was not too full, as there were only 56 students on a bus she said was designed to hold 72 students, so she suspended him. Ok, this is the first clue that she is, with all due respect, an idiot. Having spent around 4000 hours on school busses between Kindergarten and Grade 12, I’m pretty damn sure that there is no way in hell that 72 high school students, plus kit-bags, musical instruments, ghetto-blasters, etc. are going to fit in a 24-seat bus safely. Someone’s ass is gonna be on the floor. This policy of punishing bus drivers for being concerned about the safety of the bus they’re driving is a dumbass move. There is no way that some administrator, who obviously has no idea what the hell she’s talking about, should be telling an experienced driver to do something that could very well be unsafe, a driver, who by the way, they pay something like 50 bucks a day to be responsible for the lives of all the children on his bus.
Speaking of high school punks, the owners of the Noodle House came out last week saying that they are thinking of selling their business after mobs of students from area schools have started pummeling the side of their restaurant with snowballs. I was shocked, first of all, to hear that the Noodle House is not run by the Mafia, as I’ve been told for years, and secondly, that kids could be this stupid. I always wondered why we were never allowed to leave school grounds back in junior high, and now I realize it was because little pukes like these do stuff like that. Now, no offence to any of you who may have once graced the hallowed halls of Queen Charlotte or Colonel Gray, but you don’t see Souris punks pummeling the Blue Fin at lunch or kids out at Bluefield launching attacks on Bobby Clow’s. Snowballs are for throwing at the faces of friends and at girls that you have crushes on, not for terrorizing restaurants owned by immigrants. Honestly, get a life.
Well, my little heart was broken into a billion little pieces last week. Yeah, it’s true; Moron’s has closed its doors and no one seems to know when they’ll open again. Sure, many feel a great deal of angst towards the city bar, with its crap techno music and 50 Cent remixes and incredibly over-crowded dance floor. Having entered the premises about a month ago, I was confronted by one angry (and rather inebriated) such student who let me know how pissed off she was with the crowdedness, saying “I got a damn photo survey for your Cadre! How much does Myron’s suck!?!” And most of us would have to agree. We’ve all visited the less-than pristine bathrooms, seen the broken bottles, and experienced the occasional rough night and rougher morning that often accompany a trip to Moron’s. And we’ve all seen the fights. Hell, even I’ve been punched in the face a couple time, and I’m like the nicest guy in the history of ever. Perhaps the scariest thing I ever did was to try to survive a sober night at Myron’s while babysitting my ridiculously drunken friends. “No, no, leave her alo…no, put that down, that’s not yours…take that out of your mouth. Take it out. What the hell is she wearing? Frig it’s hot in here! And…oh my God what is that on the floor?”
Still though, I can’t help but thinking, if it weren’t for Moron’s, would there ever be the good old 2 a.m. Kent Street block parties? Where are we going to meet our long-lost buddies now if not in the line-up or on the stairs or in the bathrooms of Moron’s? Where are we going to get our pizza for pub-crawls? Where is everyone that’s back from school for Christmas or Thanksgiving going to meet up? We can’t just go straight to China Garden or Blossoms at 11:00 p.m. Velvet Underground? Sportspage? J.R.’s? Yeah, no thanks. Come on now. Love it or hate it, there’s a place in all of our hearts for Moron’s, a void that will not soon, or possibly ever be completely filled. Sigh. See you at the Wave!
Have a good one!
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
...And now for something completely different…The Rants of a University Student (#24)
Well top o’ the mornin’ to ya, and a Happy St. Patty’s Day. UPEI students flocked to the Wave in droves this past Thursday, filling it to capacity and showing their Irish pride in fine form. While the names of many student seemed to indicate that they were not, in fact, Irish, this did not seem to hinder them from celebrating in a traditional Irish fashion by singing, dancing, and drinking themselves into oblivion. The chugging of green beer led to many a drunken stupor, leaving a lasting effect here in campus, where at least one class was cut short due to “student extracurricular activity” and 8:30 Friday morning classes were sparsely attended, making for eerily empty classrooms.
Across the pond in Dublin, Ireland, the Irish celebrated St. Patty’s Day in a similar manner, starting off by getting a good drink-on in the morning, and ending off by having 714 people carted off to prison by dinnertime. The following day businesses reported that less then half their regular staff showed up for work, as the nation nursed a collective hangover. In what could very well be the understatement of the year, one pub manager described the crowd as being “Very, very, merry.”
In fact, with the violence and arrests that resulted from that “very merry” crowd, the entire day devoted to the drunken memory of Saint Patrick could have been a complete write-off, had it not been for the parades that had taken place during the day, with a special appearance by Boyzone star Keith Duffy. For those of you who do not recall Boyzone, they are the Irish boy-band that sang When the Going Gets Tough (The Tough Get Going), which, next to Mambo #5 and Who Let the Dogs Out, is quite possibly the worst song ever conceived by man. Boyzone were called “the most promising band of 1995” by a British music Magazine, which is quite a ringing endorsement, until you remember that the mainstream music scene in 1995 consisted of Cotton-Eyed Joe and The Macarena.
Unfortunately Boyzone’s most recent appearance in North America was in Phoenix, Arizona on July 31st, 1997, with no upcoming dates yet announced. But hardcore fans take solace in the fact that their US Fan Website states that “Once again, rumors of a summer USA visit are circulating the internet!” Cross your fingers!
A Newfoundland man who was convicted of driving under the influence last week blamed his inebriation on his consumption of liquor-filled chocolates, but for some reason the judge saw it necessary to penalize this candy-lover (and previously 3-time convicted drunk driver) for his victimless crime of having a sweet tooth. When stopped by the RCMP, his blood alcohol level was approximately double the legal limit, the accumulation of which, by my estimates, would have taken at least 168 liquor-filled chocolates, an amount of alcohol that would have left him feeling nauseous and disoriented, and an amount of chocolate, that by all estimates, would have left him feeling bloated and dead.
Well, a new chapter was added to Pat Binns and the Adventures of his $125,000,000 Deficit last week when the province decided to give $400,000 to Garden Province Meats after already blowing $275,000 in unsecured loans into the firm in September and helping buy $140,000 in new equipment. What is their friggin obsession with throwing money at bad business? When Polar Foods lost money despite making $150 million a year, the government insisted on stepping in and saving jobs, losing about $31 million in the process, and then putting 1,200 jobs in jeopardy anyway. But wait, good old Agriculture Minister Kevin MacAdam made a good point in backing up this government’s moves, saying “I feel bad, I really, really, really feel bad.” Wow Kevin, when you put it that way…
Newsflash! A news release out of Ottawa last week revealed, that among other things, people are not allowed to pack brass knuckles, nunchuks, tear gas, spear guns or gas torches in airline baggage. Well, why the hell not? I think they may be taking this terrorism stuff a bit too far. I mean how is having road flares or hatches or cricket bats in your carry-on baggage in any way detrimental to other passengers? Actually, who made up this list, and when was the last time some moron tried to get on a plane with this kind of stuff? Also, large quantities of homemade liquor-filled chocolates will no longer be permitted on any flights within Canada. Idiots. And listen. Those stupid “Jetsgone” jokes are not funny. Give it a rest.
Have a good one!
Across the pond in Dublin, Ireland, the Irish celebrated St. Patty’s Day in a similar manner, starting off by getting a good drink-on in the morning, and ending off by having 714 people carted off to prison by dinnertime. The following day businesses reported that less then half their regular staff showed up for work, as the nation nursed a collective hangover. In what could very well be the understatement of the year, one pub manager described the crowd as being “Very, very, merry.”
In fact, with the violence and arrests that resulted from that “very merry” crowd, the entire day devoted to the drunken memory of Saint Patrick could have been a complete write-off, had it not been for the parades that had taken place during the day, with a special appearance by Boyzone star Keith Duffy. For those of you who do not recall Boyzone, they are the Irish boy-band that sang When the Going Gets Tough (The Tough Get Going), which, next to Mambo #5 and Who Let the Dogs Out, is quite possibly the worst song ever conceived by man. Boyzone were called “the most promising band of 1995” by a British music Magazine, which is quite a ringing endorsement, until you remember that the mainstream music scene in 1995 consisted of Cotton-Eyed Joe and The Macarena.
Unfortunately Boyzone’s most recent appearance in North America was in Phoenix, Arizona on July 31st, 1997, with no upcoming dates yet announced. But hardcore fans take solace in the fact that their US Fan Website states that “Once again, rumors of a summer USA visit are circulating the internet!” Cross your fingers!
A Newfoundland man who was convicted of driving under the influence last week blamed his inebriation on his consumption of liquor-filled chocolates, but for some reason the judge saw it necessary to penalize this candy-lover (and previously 3-time convicted drunk driver) for his victimless crime of having a sweet tooth. When stopped by the RCMP, his blood alcohol level was approximately double the legal limit, the accumulation of which, by my estimates, would have taken at least 168 liquor-filled chocolates, an amount of alcohol that would have left him feeling nauseous and disoriented, and an amount of chocolate, that by all estimates, would have left him feeling bloated and dead.
Well, a new chapter was added to Pat Binns and the Adventures of his $125,000,000 Deficit last week when the province decided to give $400,000 to Garden Province Meats after already blowing $275,000 in unsecured loans into the firm in September and helping buy $140,000 in new equipment. What is their friggin obsession with throwing money at bad business? When Polar Foods lost money despite making $150 million a year, the government insisted on stepping in and saving jobs, losing about $31 million in the process, and then putting 1,200 jobs in jeopardy anyway. But wait, good old Agriculture Minister Kevin MacAdam made a good point in backing up this government’s moves, saying “I feel bad, I really, really, really feel bad.” Wow Kevin, when you put it that way…
Newsflash! A news release out of Ottawa last week revealed, that among other things, people are not allowed to pack brass knuckles, nunchuks, tear gas, spear guns or gas torches in airline baggage. Well, why the hell not? I think they may be taking this terrorism stuff a bit too far. I mean how is having road flares or hatches or cricket bats in your carry-on baggage in any way detrimental to other passengers? Actually, who made up this list, and when was the last time some moron tried to get on a plane with this kind of stuff? Also, large quantities of homemade liquor-filled chocolates will no longer be permitted on any flights within Canada. Idiots. And listen. Those stupid “Jetsgone” jokes are not funny. Give it a rest.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
…And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#23)
Well Paul Martin’s Liberals made a not-so decisive move recently, deciding to opt-out of the US Missile Defence System. Why the hell would they do that? Would it have something to do with the fact that the Chinese, with an army of 2.5 million people, are not exactly enthralled about the idea? Or maybe because it could spark an arms race which is nicely accented by the fact that North Korea has nuclear arms, are quitting disarmament talks, and are testing long-distance nukes? Not to mention that the American interceptor missiles, that is, the core function of the system, do not work. Some may see it as a drawback that the system, aimed at protecting the US against terrorists and ‘rogue states,’ costs billions of dollars and that will be worth absolute jack if terrorists are flying planes or carrying suitcase bombs.
Of course, there’s not a hell of a lot Canada’s military could do with a nuclear missile heading at us, other than to fling Sea King helicopters at them and hope they get in the way. But I honestly don’t see the need for a multi-billion dollar missile shield, especially in today’s world where the threat comes from terrorist factions, a threat, which in no way includes long-range ICBM capabilities. I’m not saying it’s a good idea to let the Canadian military to continue treading the line of mediocrity and uselessness, but seriously, no one’s gonna nuke us for minding our business, so why stir the water by pissing off all the crazies on the block?
Well, after months of negotiating and arguing and after a threatening resolution was passed by Charlottetown City Council, the NHL and NHLPA may have the issue that is going to force them to get something done. Yeah, that’s right, unless they get a deal done, Dominik Hasek is going to retire. Again. The 40-year-old Dominator made the threat last weekend while Gary Bettman was busy trying to sell the entire league off for a couple billion dollars and Bob Goodenow was off doing…well who the hell cares what he was doing. Hasek first retired in 2002 after winning the Stanley Cup with the Red Wings, but decided to return to the NHL after being charged in the Czech Republic for cross-checking a player in his local amateur league, sitting on him, and then hitting him in the back of the neck repeatedly with his stick. Hasek faced charges of up to $145 for his attack. Wow. That’s only $501,855 less than Bertuzzi got charged for hitting Moore. Poor Hasek. It’s a good thing he’s not Canadian or the NHL might have banned him from hockey too.
The protest ship The Farley Mowat belonging to the environmental group The Sea Shepard Conservation Society was detained by Transport Canada in Halifax last week after it was found that the ship was not environmentally sound for sea travel and that it did not meet oil pollution prevention standards. Calling the detainment political harassment, the captain left port with the Mowat on Friday en route to the Magdalene Islands to film the harp seal hunt. By Sunday, it was publicized that the Mowat, with 28 people from 10 countries on board, was stranded and taking on water in the Cabot Strait. It then had to be towed back to Halifax by the Canadian Coast Guard. At the cost of the taxpayer of course. This ridiculous story about a bunch of morons on the high seas is made even more idiotic by the fact that the group is represented by the always-suave Richard Dean Anderson of MacGyver. “MacGyver! The boat is sinking!” “Oh no! Quick, get me a fork, WD-40 and a cow!”
Legendary rapper and humanitarian 50 Cent has found his way back into the Much Music Top 30 Countdown this week with the romantically poignant ballad ‘Candy Shop.’ For those of you who have not heard it, a sampling of the poetic verse, seemingly directed at his one and only love, or at least his flavour of the week, reads “If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho.” and “In the hotel or in the back of the rental.” Listeners who are intellectually engaged and intrigued by the riveting lyrics, can visit 50’s website, which features a picture of him leveling an automatic rifle at the screen, which tastefully fires at the viewer as the page loads. Despite his gun-happy tendencies, I am rather quite amused by Mr. Cent’s attempts to prove how ‘gangsta’ he is, as I am with that of his good friend Lloyd Banks (author of the lyrically-rich ‘If You So Gangsta’). Some may think there is something wrong with promoting a lifestyle that results in the deaths of thousands of people every year, most notably among men within their own demographic, but hey, boys will be boys right?
Having said that, I am getting pretty sick of artists who insist on complaining all the time about how bad they have it and about how mentally strenuous it is to make millions of dollars for singing songs now and then. Does this not piss anyone else off? I mean J. Lo never shuts up about how real she is, i.e. ‘I’m Real,’ and ‘Jenny From the Block.’ I mean sure, she was born in the Bronx, but given the $1 billion insurance policy she took out on her own body, I doubt Jenny hangs around the block all that much anymore.
And who is this Lindsay Lohan character? I mean come on now, her voice is so digitally altered she may as well not sing at all and just dance around to an old remix of Cher or something. And talk about whiney. The very first single from her CD was Rumours, a song about how hard it is for her to deal with the overwhelming media attention everywhere she goes. Awwwww. Muffin. You know, if it’s so damn hard to deal with, then just shut the hell up and do something else. And not that I’m condemning your career direction or anything, but if you’re looking for an Amish-style peaceful life, dancing around in your underwear is not really the way to do it.
Have a good one!
Of course, there’s not a hell of a lot Canada’s military could do with a nuclear missile heading at us, other than to fling Sea King helicopters at them and hope they get in the way. But I honestly don’t see the need for a multi-billion dollar missile shield, especially in today’s world where the threat comes from terrorist factions, a threat, which in no way includes long-range ICBM capabilities. I’m not saying it’s a good idea to let the Canadian military to continue treading the line of mediocrity and uselessness, but seriously, no one’s gonna nuke us for minding our business, so why stir the water by pissing off all the crazies on the block?
Well, after months of negotiating and arguing and after a threatening resolution was passed by Charlottetown City Council, the NHL and NHLPA may have the issue that is going to force them to get something done. Yeah, that’s right, unless they get a deal done, Dominik Hasek is going to retire. Again. The 40-year-old Dominator made the threat last weekend while Gary Bettman was busy trying to sell the entire league off for a couple billion dollars and Bob Goodenow was off doing…well who the hell cares what he was doing. Hasek first retired in 2002 after winning the Stanley Cup with the Red Wings, but decided to return to the NHL after being charged in the Czech Republic for cross-checking a player in his local amateur league, sitting on him, and then hitting him in the back of the neck repeatedly with his stick. Hasek faced charges of up to $145 for his attack. Wow. That’s only $501,855 less than Bertuzzi got charged for hitting Moore. Poor Hasek. It’s a good thing he’s not Canadian or the NHL might have banned him from hockey too.
The protest ship The Farley Mowat belonging to the environmental group The Sea Shepard Conservation Society was detained by Transport Canada in Halifax last week after it was found that the ship was not environmentally sound for sea travel and that it did not meet oil pollution prevention standards. Calling the detainment political harassment, the captain left port with the Mowat on Friday en route to the Magdalene Islands to film the harp seal hunt. By Sunday, it was publicized that the Mowat, with 28 people from 10 countries on board, was stranded and taking on water in the Cabot Strait. It then had to be towed back to Halifax by the Canadian Coast Guard. At the cost of the taxpayer of course. This ridiculous story about a bunch of morons on the high seas is made even more idiotic by the fact that the group is represented by the always-suave Richard Dean Anderson of MacGyver. “MacGyver! The boat is sinking!” “Oh no! Quick, get me a fork, WD-40 and a cow!”
Legendary rapper and humanitarian 50 Cent has found his way back into the Much Music Top 30 Countdown this week with the romantically poignant ballad ‘Candy Shop.’ For those of you who have not heard it, a sampling of the poetic verse, seemingly directed at his one and only love, or at least his flavour of the week, reads “If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho.” and “In the hotel or in the back of the rental.” Listeners who are intellectually engaged and intrigued by the riveting lyrics, can visit 50’s website, which features a picture of him leveling an automatic rifle at the screen, which tastefully fires at the viewer as the page loads. Despite his gun-happy tendencies, I am rather quite amused by Mr. Cent’s attempts to prove how ‘gangsta’ he is, as I am with that of his good friend Lloyd Banks (author of the lyrically-rich ‘If You So Gangsta’). Some may think there is something wrong with promoting a lifestyle that results in the deaths of thousands of people every year, most notably among men within their own demographic, but hey, boys will be boys right?
Having said that, I am getting pretty sick of artists who insist on complaining all the time about how bad they have it and about how mentally strenuous it is to make millions of dollars for singing songs now and then. Does this not piss anyone else off? I mean J. Lo never shuts up about how real she is, i.e. ‘I’m Real,’ and ‘Jenny From the Block.’ I mean sure, she was born in the Bronx, but given the $1 billion insurance policy she took out on her own body, I doubt Jenny hangs around the block all that much anymore.
And who is this Lindsay Lohan character? I mean come on now, her voice is so digitally altered she may as well not sing at all and just dance around to an old remix of Cher or something. And talk about whiney. The very first single from her CD was Rumours, a song about how hard it is for her to deal with the overwhelming media attention everywhere she goes. Awwwww. Muffin. You know, if it’s so damn hard to deal with, then just shut the hell up and do something else. And not that I’m condemning your career direction or anything, but if you’re looking for an Amish-style peaceful life, dancing around in your underwear is not really the way to do it.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
...And now for something completely different: The Rants of a University Student (#22)
Well, clap your hands for the dancing morons. Yes, good old Gary “I left my self-respect in my other pants” Bettman and Bob “My head is way up my ass” Goodenow could not save the NHL season. I mean, come on, here are two guys that don’t have enough combined brain cells firing to figure out that the game they’re destroying is the same one that employs them. Nice one brainwave. The players don’t really have a valid argument to stand on either, I mean sure it’d be nice to have a few more bucks to gas-up your Hummer now and then, but if there’s no hockey, forget salary caps, there’s no salary, period. Idiots.
It’s not like the average salary is below the poverty line anyway. No player in the NHL makes under $180,000 a year. Yeah, good luck making that with a BA in Political Studies. I don’t know how much hockey you watch, but Aki Berg made $1.4 million last year. Aki Berg! He’s like a friggin pylon on skates. Jaromir Jagr made 11.3, which, if anyone’s counting, is roughly 100 times what our Prime Minister makes. I think its time to sit down, shut the hell up, and make some damn concessions. It’s pretty hard to collect $11.3 million in pogey.
Steve Moore, the Colorado Avalanche hockey player that was hospitalized after Vancouver Canuck Todd Bertuzzi sent him to the ice with a cheap shot was back in the news last week filing civil charges against Bertuzzi and others within the Canucks organization. OK Moore, we get it, you got hurt real bad in a hockey game and you want someone to pay for it. You’d think though, after Bertuzzi was banned from the NHL and the IIHF, was forced to pay over half a million dollars in fines (more than Moore would make in and entire year), was demonized by the media and in tears, publicly apologized to Moore and asked to speak with him personally, that Moore would have the common decency to give him a break. But no. Moore decided it’d be much more manly of him to deny Bertuzzi a personal audience with him and instead heap civil charges of assault, battery and negligence on Bertuzzi. Let me just say something here: Newsflash! Hockey is not for wusses. I should know, as a self-proclaimed wuss, I do not play the sport. Steve Moore knew damnwell when he elbowed Canuck captain Marcus Naslund in the face, giving him a concussion, that retribution was owed. When he wouldn’t face Bertuzzi man-to-man in a fight, Bertuzzi took him down. Granted, he took him down in an illegal and vicious manner, which was uncalled for, but this isn’t Peewee, Moore knew the rules, both written and unwritten. Although I don’t think Bertuzzi should’ve hammered Moore to the ice, I also don’t think Moore, a player-for-hire from the AHL, should’ve elbowed Vancouver;s finesse player Naslund in the face, nor should he be portrayed by the media as some innocent angel while Bertuzzi gets compared to Hitler and bin Laden. Participants in NHL hockey agree to certain inherent risks just by playing the sport. Alex Mogilny broke his femur, Ace Bailey fractured his skull, Clint Malachuk had his throat cut by an errant skate, Norman Lévillé suffered brain damage, Howie Morenz, perhaps one of the best ever players in the league, died at the age of 34, 6 weeks after breaking his leg in a freak accident on the ice. I’m not saying that violence is justified, but injuries do happen, intentional or otherwise, and Moore was under no illusions when he laced up his skates. Like flying or jumping off libraries or driving into oncoming traffic, these are the realities and risks that are associated with sport.
I think it was Toronto star Ace Bailey that said, after Eddie Shack hit him, fracturing his skull and ending his career “That’s alright Eddie, It’s all a part of the game.” So yeah Moore, it sucks you got hurt, but crying won’t change that. Try and get on with your life, and maybe salvage some dignity in the process. After the lawsuit was announced, Marcus Naslund came out and told the media that this move was nothing more than a money-grab for Moore, saying, “he’s suing everyone because he wasn’t a good enough hockey player to make a lucrative earning in the NHL.” Since I can describe Moore’s character no better, I will leave it at that.
And finally, for all you die-hard lovesick Valentine’s Day people, a man from Los Angeles, California landed in Manitoba hospital last week suffering from severe frostbite after attempting to walk from North Dakota to Winnipeg to see his girlfriend. The two had met online and the love-stricken man was so intent on meeting her that he decided to sneak across the Canadian border on foot. When asked for comment he said that he was unaware of what the weather conditions would be like. Hmmmm. Western Canada in February. What are the chances this guy voted Bush?
Have a good one!
It’s not like the average salary is below the poverty line anyway. No player in the NHL makes under $180,000 a year. Yeah, good luck making that with a BA in Political Studies. I don’t know how much hockey you watch, but Aki Berg made $1.4 million last year. Aki Berg! He’s like a friggin pylon on skates. Jaromir Jagr made 11.3, which, if anyone’s counting, is roughly 100 times what our Prime Minister makes. I think its time to sit down, shut the hell up, and make some damn concessions. It’s pretty hard to collect $11.3 million in pogey.
Steve Moore, the Colorado Avalanche hockey player that was hospitalized after Vancouver Canuck Todd Bertuzzi sent him to the ice with a cheap shot was back in the news last week filing civil charges against Bertuzzi and others within the Canucks organization. OK Moore, we get it, you got hurt real bad in a hockey game and you want someone to pay for it. You’d think though, after Bertuzzi was banned from the NHL and the IIHF, was forced to pay over half a million dollars in fines (more than Moore would make in and entire year), was demonized by the media and in tears, publicly apologized to Moore and asked to speak with him personally, that Moore would have the common decency to give him a break. But no. Moore decided it’d be much more manly of him to deny Bertuzzi a personal audience with him and instead heap civil charges of assault, battery and negligence on Bertuzzi. Let me just say something here: Newsflash! Hockey is not for wusses. I should know, as a self-proclaimed wuss, I do not play the sport. Steve Moore knew damnwell when he elbowed Canuck captain Marcus Naslund in the face, giving him a concussion, that retribution was owed. When he wouldn’t face Bertuzzi man-to-man in a fight, Bertuzzi took him down. Granted, he took him down in an illegal and vicious manner, which was uncalled for, but this isn’t Peewee, Moore knew the rules, both written and unwritten. Although I don’t think Bertuzzi should’ve hammered Moore to the ice, I also don’t think Moore, a player-for-hire from the AHL, should’ve elbowed Vancouver;s finesse player Naslund in the face, nor should he be portrayed by the media as some innocent angel while Bertuzzi gets compared to Hitler and bin Laden. Participants in NHL hockey agree to certain inherent risks just by playing the sport. Alex Mogilny broke his femur, Ace Bailey fractured his skull, Clint Malachuk had his throat cut by an errant skate, Norman Lévillé suffered brain damage, Howie Morenz, perhaps one of the best ever players in the league, died at the age of 34, 6 weeks after breaking his leg in a freak accident on the ice. I’m not saying that violence is justified, but injuries do happen, intentional or otherwise, and Moore was under no illusions when he laced up his skates. Like flying or jumping off libraries or driving into oncoming traffic, these are the realities and risks that are associated with sport.
I think it was Toronto star Ace Bailey that said, after Eddie Shack hit him, fracturing his skull and ending his career “That’s alright Eddie, It’s all a part of the game.” So yeah Moore, it sucks you got hurt, but crying won’t change that. Try and get on with your life, and maybe salvage some dignity in the process. After the lawsuit was announced, Marcus Naslund came out and told the media that this move was nothing more than a money-grab for Moore, saying, “he’s suing everyone because he wasn’t a good enough hockey player to make a lucrative earning in the NHL.” Since I can describe Moore’s character no better, I will leave it at that.
And finally, for all you die-hard lovesick Valentine’s Day people, a man from Los Angeles, California landed in Manitoba hospital last week suffering from severe frostbite after attempting to walk from North Dakota to Winnipeg to see his girlfriend. The two had met online and the love-stricken man was so intent on meeting her that he decided to sneak across the Canadian border on foot. When asked for comment he said that he was unaware of what the weather conditions would be like. Hmmmm. Western Canada in February. What are the chances this guy voted Bush?
Have a good one!
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