An era came to an end on September 25th when Subway Restaurants finished phasing out their stamp coupons. Now, instead of stamps, in return for enduring the long line, paying for obscenely expensive subs and reeking of Subway for the rest of the day you get...nothing. No free cookies on Friday, no super value meal on Wednesday. Personally, I’ve been pissed at Subway since they switched from Pepsi to Coke, but really, this is ridiculous. Eat Fresh? Kiss my ass Jared.
Relief came on international front last week as Canada and Denmark agreed to sit down and talk about who possesses sovereignty over Hans Island in the Arctic. Tempers had been rising in both countries since Canada’s Defence Minister Bill Graham landed on the disputed island in July with Canadian Forces troops to plant a Canadian flag. In retaliation the Danes sent a warship to sail around the island for awhile and to erect a Danish flag on the island. “We put one up before but it blew down.” was their reasoning. World leaders were shocked and the US Military reportedly went to DEFCON 5 when they heard that the great military powers of Canada and Denmark were having a dispute, especially after hearing that at least two Canadian submarines were almost operational. “Thank God that’s over.” Was reportedly the reaction of Saddam Hussein from his jail cell upon hearing the news. Hans Island, by the way, is 1.3 square kilometres and is entirely uninhabited. Oh yeah. And the North Koreans are giving up their nuclear weapons program. Riiight.
Elections were held for the German Bundestag last Sunday, and no one seems to know who won. Both leading parties were considerably shy of the 307 needed for a majority. Negotiations have been on-going with other parties in attempts of establishing some sort of governing coalition, but the two major party leaders have going postal on each other all week, everyone refuses to even talk to the Left Party (successor of the old East German Communists), and one of the coalitions has been dubbed “The Jamaican Coalition.” Oh those crazy Germans. They’re not that good at this democracy stuff. Or at taking over the world.
Residents of Newark, New Jersey became mildly concerned last week when it was reported that three mice infected with the Bubonic Plague had gone missing from a University of Medicine and Dentistry laboratory, prompting University Officials to spring into action and do...absolutely nothing. According to them the mice posed a “scant” threat to the general public and besides, since they had already been missing for about two weeks, they were “probably already dead anyway.” Now, I have a great respect for the research community, don’t get me wrong. But in my opinion, it’s pretty stupid to handle test subjects so haphazardly that they go missing for two weeks without you noticing, especially when these subjects happen to be infected with the BUBONIC PLAGUE. Yeah, it only killed like 137 million people back in the day. No worries. Morons.
Speaking of incompetence, the Charlottetown Police asked the public to be on the lookout last week after a 12-gauge camouflaged shotgun went missing from the gun cabinet at the Charlottetown Canadian Tire. When? “Oh, sometime between the 10th and the 19th.” (Apparently Canadian Tire does not have the best shoplifting detection system). According to a report in the always non-biased and über-professional Guardian, there are only two people in the entire store that had access to the cabinet. Do you think these two people should be possible suspects? Of course not. “I think they just noticed it was missing.” Constable Gary Clow was quoted as saying. Hey went on to ask the public to keep an eye out for the gun. Thanks Gary. And sure, I’ll get right out there on the street tonight and do you job for you. Jerks.
Have a good one!
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