Myron’s has certainly learned its lesson and has classed up the joint after being put out of business for six months this year. Not only has it performed the business-savvy maneuver of re-hiring the managers that took the whole place under to begin with, but it has also reverted to more tasteful entertainment, such as the Mr. Naturally Hard Body Pageant that will be going on over the next few weeks. Mr. Naturally Hard Body. Oh wow. Sounds like yet another reason to frequent the pristine sanitary premises of Moron’s. Now 17 year olds will become increasingly torn between feeding their heroine addictions at the Velvet or dancing the night away at the infamous Foam Parties at Myron’s, which in my opinion must be at least one of the top ten ways to catch the Chinese Chicken Flu.
Sylvester Stallone has heeded the calls of his tens of fans and has announced his intention to make another Rocky movie. Well thank god. That plotline has certainly not been beaten to death yet. The 59-year-old actor will once again return as Rocky Balboa, this time as a boxer reluctant to return to the ring. Well no kidding. When you’re pushing 60 you can only take so many cracks to the face before you’re laid-up in a hospital like one of the Lindros brothers. Stallone has said that Rocky will reluctantly return to the ring not to win, but only to compete. Well, what a great message for today’s geriatrics. “You can try all you want, but you sure as hell can’t win.” Good one Stallone. Idiot.
Here’s another brainwave from the wonderful City of Summerside. (Actual slogan: “Garden of the Gulf,” which wouldn’t be that bad of a slogan, except for the fact that the Gulf of St. Lawrence happens to be on PEI’s North Shore. “Hey morons! Other side!”). Yes, all-around genius and general pain in the ass Mayor Basil Stewart suggested last weekend during a meeting of Atlantic Mayors that we make a bid for the 2016 Olympics. Splendid. I wonder why no one has thought up this little jewel of ingenuity before. After a quick look at other potential bids I would have to say our major competitors would be Tokyo, New York, or New Delhi, not only because they actually have a hope in hell of actually effectively running Olympic-sized events and of being able to construct facilities and host a couple million people, but probably also because the combined population of these three cities is roughly 23,000 times that of Summerside.
But you know, when you’ve been mayor of a city like Summerside for 20-odd years, maybe you know a bit more about our region that some smart ass University student like me, so let’s consider his proposal for a minute. I mean Summerside already has a stellar ad campaign going that they could present to the IOC: “…downtown Summerside, bring the family, downtown Summerside, we need University…” and so on. Of course, if we did, by chance, win the Games of the XXXI Olympiad, Charlottetown could help out a lot by driving people around in our fleet of trolley busses. In fact, if the new residence is done by then we could probably even host some athletes right here on campus! We could hold darts and competitive shuffleboard events at the Legion, run track and field down at the CDP. Hell, we could even drag some benches up from the Soccer Field and let them use our existing beach volleyball facility. Plus I’m pretty sure the Engineering Department has a Ping Pong table we could probably borrow.
Now to raise the 10 or 12 billion we’d need to put on the Olympics: we’d likely have to organize a golf tournament or two and so we’d have to get the support of all PEI’s celebrities; Lori Kane, Brad Richards, Paul and Anne, Lucille Poulin, that lady who does that cooking show on Channel 10. If we’re really lucky, maybe we can get Steroid Ben to come race against a stock car again. And I’m sure those geniuses at Meteor Creek could probably throw together some kind of propane Olympic torch.
So I guess you were right Basil, we definitely could hold the Olympics, and you are definitely not the stupidest person I know. Now maybe if you and your city could get half a clue you could figure out that no one likes your stupid Lobster Carnival, and that we have about as much chance of bringing the Olympics to Atlantic Canada as you do in getting a University of Summerside. ZING!
Have a good one!
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