Well, it’s that time of the school year again, when midterms finish and finals appear as an impending, yet distant nightmare, and students turn from their studies to what they do best: drinking and making idiots of themselves. There is no better example of this than the behavior at last Friday’s Halloween Pub at The Wave. Among the sell-out crowd was Carlton Banks of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Body Break’s Hal Johnson and JoAnne McLeod, a disproportionate number of bumblebees and bowling pins, and at least two Shaun Coadys. Other than the Ron Burgundy wannabe who I saw throwing up quite violently, fun was had by all. I think the festive mood was best described by one student who, in the crowd, cheerily told Sponge Bob Square Pants “If you push me one more time I am going to smash in your face.” Nice.
The Guardian conducted a Web Poll last week asking Islanders if they thought a roundabout traffic circle or a ‘T’ intersection with traffic lights should be constructed at the Peter Pan intersection. Come on now. Installing a traffic circle anywhere in Charlottetown is like jumping off Robertson Library into snow banks, fun to watch, but also very very stupid. A traffic circle would cause many accidents, and within half a week would end up killing, by my estimates, everyone on PEI. You see, conducting a motor vehicle on a traffic circle requires that the driver a) has at least marginal motor vehicle operating capabilities, b) can merge with traffic, and c) uses a signal light, all of which Islanders have consistently indicated they are grossly incapable of. Having said that I’m sure everyone is just tickled pink with the idea of installing a tenth set of lights on University Avenue, but thankfully, a compelling solution dealing with this very problem was brought up in The Guardian just a few weeks ago. Some genius wrote in to tell Islanders that we should try to save energy by removing a bunch of stop signs from intersections around Charlottetown. That’s awesome! This is easily the smartest thing I have heard in years. We just rip up some stop signs and maybe some traffic lights downtown and suddenly no one has to stop anymore. I’m not exactly clear on how removing traffic controls is supposed to save energy, but who cares?
Gilles Duceppe of the Bloc Québéçois told the world last week that he thinks Québec should have its own army and spy service if it separates from Canada. “Do we need nuclear submarines? We say no. Maybe multifunctional boats to transport troops.” Multifunctional boats? Whoa. Critics agree that this proposed Québec military already sounds better than Canada’s current force. Duceppe continued to say that the Québec Army would be able to take over existing Canadian Forces bases. Hold the phone there Gilles. So, you’ll secede completely from Canada and be totally autonomous, except you want to still use the Canadian Dollar, Canadian Passports, and use our old Army Bases? Uh, can’t see it. If you leave, you’re gone. You don’t get our money or passports or NAFTA or our old Sea Kings. OK, maybe you can have the Sea Kings. A Québec Spy Service though? I can’t see that being all that successful. In my experience with Québec tourists they do not integrate all that well with local populations. Sure, many of them can speak impeccable English, and I’m sure spies could be trained to adopt local customs, but there’s something about the way they look at non-Quebeckers as if we bathe in our own feces that would blow their cover. Although Duceppe argued that a Québec Army would have no trouble recruiting, I again would have to disagree. Québec has lost every major war it has ever fought in, and ever since has bitched about joining with Canada in any international conflict, World War I, World War II, etc. It is worth noting that the Québecois are descendants of the French, and as was once said about their ancestors, “Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion,” is much the same for them. Check you stats Duceppe. I’ll bet your sovereigntists would be much happier sitting at home smoking cigarettes and complaining about Canada than running around spying on their cultural inferiors.
And finally the Notorious BIG released a song last week with some of his best rapper buddies and apparently is not at all discouraged by the fact that he still dead.
Have a good one!
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